DR-Fluffy
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Great story. Looking forward to more.
Oh, this will be good.
looks very promising
well commonwealth is bad news.....
Never and I mean never say that. That is a good way for the great god Murphy to screw your life over six ways to Sunday.
“Ah guess that makes since”
^sense
Judging by Rainbows reaction she was going to want imminent answers,
^immediate answers,
Shortly after my arrival I stumbled into a battle between the two sides, and almost getting myself kill.
^killed.
Her superiors all when by their rank and usually were not too friendly when speaking to subordinate.
^subordinates.
Davis was her squad’s medic like her he wore
^medic. Like her
The MK-2 Recon Armor was lighter and reduced armor on the joints allowed for quicker movants.
^and had ^to allow for ^movements.
It was perfected for someone like Davis who may need to get to the injured quickly.
^was perfect for
While Twilight was classified as support which mostly
^support,
“If they don’t it would mean we were not fighting human, but some kind of unfeeling monsters.”
^dont, it would ^humans, but
“Not scared of ghost are you?”
^ghosts
6348834 thanks for pointing those out
6350911 Sure thing. This story is definitely a great read. Heck, I've already put it on my tracking list.
YOU HAVE MY INTEREST WHETHER THAT'S GOOD OR BAD IS FOR YOU TO DECIDE.
also not bad just don't pull a she's dead/brought the war with her ok
6783254 I don't plan to but just so I'm clear what do you mean by brought the war with her
6783288 I just don't want to see another " BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD" load of shit. where it goes from happy to blood ,war,death, and the true monster are us. thing that for some reason is extremely popular in this type of story
6783306 No I don't plan on anything like that...but then again...No, no I think we're good.
This is good chapter can't wait for the next chapter.
whats with the tubes of blue shit i get the feeling twilights dying of something and that stuff is the only thing stopping it
So I guess Twilight is suffering a severe case of PTSD and the blue liquid is a temporary fix for that. Right?
ANYWAYS I LOVED THE CHAPTER I SURLY HOPE FOR MORE IN THE FUTURE
So I take it that Twilight will be badass in this story?
themarysue.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/rick.png
6871796 some people you just can't take along.
Thanks for the catch.
We hath found that thine story is quite good, english could use a little work, but good nonetheless
6928388 Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm working on improving my writing but its slow going. It doesn't help when I do dumb stuff and rush the ending like I did with this chapter.
I really need to go back over this chapter and fix a lot of stuff.
6929212 Tis alright, We still understood what thou intended to write. We cannot wait for more
I like this version of Twilight. While she has combat experience, she's friendlier and not an overpowered psycho like Scorch215's Twilight.
7016600 yeah, while I think combat would change Twilight at her core she would still be Twilight.
7016632 Suppose so...
Never instead of ever
Notice instead of notices
Way should be why
7016768 I have been over this chapter I don't know how many times and yet I still didn't see that lol Thanks
Needs proofreading badly. It is a mess.
Tenses to fix, typos, capitalization...
Cadences should have activated her mirror five minutes ago.”
“I’m sorry Spike but I have no Idea how the portal with react with dragon physiology.
“It ok Spike, I’ll take the train with you to the Crystal Empire.”
Rarity shouted Twilight froze in place; slowly she turned her head to face Rarity.
Rarity said as she used her magic to pulled a crown from her bag, it was golden with five jagged points each with a red ruby
Princess Cadence set upon her throne while Prince Shining Armor and Princess Celestia set on either side of her.
The portal rippled as something flow out impacting the ground
Celestia ask until her eye fell upon the object.
He grab the crown with his magic, bringing it to his face, wide-eyed look of dread crossed his face, as he turn to the princesses.
etc.
Dropped here...
Well... That was something. Kind of feeling conflicting though, but overall, good chapter.
7106456 Its kind of funny because, after I posted the newest chapter I decided it was a good time to go back of the old chapters and reedit them. I had chosen the leave that chapter for last thinking it wasn't that bad off, as I had someone edit it for me when I first uploaded it. Oh the Irony.
7106476 Conflicted how?
7016600 it wasnt the combat that changed twilight in scorches story it was the month of torture that broke her
7106525 I'm not sure. I just feel that way. Maybe because of what Twilight's going through, and that being back home, things aren't really working out for her, somewhat. I mean, none of them really knows what's going through her head, understandable. But they seem to... I don't know. Maybe I'm just overanalysing this all too seriously? But, I'm kind of worried for Twilight, that's all.
7106456 Man you were not kidding, I just did a quick pass over the Chapter and it was worse that I though. I forgot how long it's been since I last went over it...which may be never. Anyways If you dropped the story due to that I think I got about 80% of them (I hope) in that pass, so if you want to give it another try it should flow better now.
Luna, Twilight just returned after 10 years for her. You do not wait a day or two to ask if you can search through their mind with nothing off limits
I love your story. I'm looking forward to your next chapter
It has promise, but still has room to improve. The biggest offenders are actually easy to fix. First, Applejack recognizes her way too easily. Other than her hair and eyes, Twilight is completely different. I recommend extending this, having AJ feel like she knows this person. Maybe have her say how she missed them. Also, I would have Pinkie recognize her, as she's the most observant of the Mane 6, but that's just me.
Second, I hate that you have the reunion between Twilight and Spike happen 'off-screen'. It would have been nice to actually see that.
Anyway, this looks like it might be good. Let's see where this goes.
7126108 Reading over this chapter again is like looking back in time to when I first joined the fandom, and oh my is it cringe worthy. You make a good point about Applejack, and over all this chapter is just too short. The first two chapter I need to, more or less, rewrite and chapter 3 and 4 need to be touched up. But that's what happens when you write a long story when you are still a developing writer; when you get to that next step you look back and ask your self "What was I thinking?"
As for the second point, they didn't reunion more that Twilight walked passed and Spike saw her, but still I see your point.
NO! It will always do more harm to not bringing something like that up.
So far, it's good. It could use some work in the first two chapters, as you've noted after my first post, but it has much promise, and there have been noticeable improvements in the last couple chapters. The most glaring issue is that the ponies reactions to Twilight are quite unrealistic. There's no confusion or fear, only familiar indifference as if they've seen humans before.
7128160
That's more to due with Equus being a multi species world, so there is a level of recognition. That and gossip travels like wild fire.
Anyway, thanks for the comment I'm glad your enjoying it.
7128370 Sure, they're a multi-racial society, but they also share a world with violent and dangerous races. At least some ponies would still be at least a little wary. Even the ones that didn't show any fear or mistrust would at least be curious. It's the lack of reaction that's unrealistic, not just that they aren't scared of her.
Also, I'm always glad to help out, giving advice when I can. Especially when the author has potential. The main reason I've gotten as good as I am, and the reason I'm improving as quickly, is because of reader input and advice, so why not pay it forward. Just don't expect much advice on grammar. I may be better then I was, but it's still my weakest point.
im not sure what to make of the end. PTSD? not sure also FIRST FUCKING COMMENT..... sorry
Twilight seems to have a mix of PTSD and some other mental issues, however, We are not a psychiatrist, so We cannot be sure. Excellent chapter though
Nice update! Apparently, Twilight is in a bit more of a predicament than previously thought. Onwards!
So she's a drug addict?
awesome chapter, I just found this story today and I already love it! Keep up the good work!
A vast improvement. Much more believable reactions from everyone, and we actually see Spike and Twilight.
Again, a noticeable improvement. Not as much was changed this chapter, but not as much needed changed. Now I'm just looking forward to more new chapters.