Finding the Parole Officer
"Why did you come here?" a great booming voice said, in a slightly relaxed manner, as if trying to keep everything calm and collected.
"Wanna know the truth?" I said. "I really have no fucking clue."
Luna had brought us into the mayor's office to have a little 'chat'. Luna was slumped against the wall without a care in the world. Celestia sat us down at the desk as she took Mayor Mare's seat.
Princess Celestia looked mildly surprised at the colorful word that was put in that very closely resembled a type of apple farming. She straightened her posture and then asked the question again, in a louder voice.
"I can cover for him." Elizabeth said, "We came here for...eh...um..."
"I'm a scientist back at my world." I finished.
"That too," she said.
"...And?" continued Celestia.
"Pretty much just means that I built something to go to other dimensions away from my world. Remember those dark clouds?" Celestia nodded. "Alright, good. Well, every time one of us came into this world, there was one dark cloud for each person. I've been trying to fix those ones that have circled around for some time now. How many did you see?"
"Six."
"Well, okay, this dude here is named Taylor, sweet-cheeks over there is Elizabeth, and I'm Tal. Taylor and I first came here through the work of my portal, but it very nearly blew up on us. We arrived in this same world, but on a small hill as a pony, like you. Wait, did you say six? Taylor and I came here twice, that’s four, and Liz came here once. That’s five. Are you sure there were six?"
"Yes. Who else did you bring?"
"...fuck..."
I buried my face into my hands, as Taylor sat there with an awkward gawk, the one reserved for the kid who needed to lock the house door, but didn't, and now has a burglar in their house.
Elizabeth was silently laughing - y'know, the facial movements, no sound. - until the princess and the two boys stared daggers at her.
I gave a loud whistle to beckon my dog. He zipped around the corner into the office we were in. Celestia jumped about a foot before quickly settling down.
"You like? When I said I was a scientist, I didn't lie. This is TalOS, or K-9. He can tell us who exactly is here. K-9, activate video screen."
The screen showed a familiar police officer falling down branches.
"Ah, SHITE! It's Alec!" said I. Taylor and I all knew too well what this guy was doing in our house. Elizabeth was just staring.
"Do you know this guy?" said Elizabeth quizzically,
"Know him? He's Tal's parole officer. Remember that time where he built a soda rocket? He overdid it, and was tried as an adult, so Ethan here is pretty much his babysitter." said Taylor.
"While he stands and stares, what did his soda rocket do?"
"Leveled some guys house. It was Old Man Jack's house, so don't worry. Good was done."
At this point, I was standing with my jaw to the floor.
"Tal, do you realize what danger you may have put my country in?"
"...Yes Princess..." I felt really childish and dumb for saying that, but what else do you do when you freak?
At this point, Taylor and Elizabeth had quietly moved to the back of the room, and left me to deal with an alicorn.
The pain I felt, was a mixture of self-consciousness of realizing you liked a little girl's show, and a feeling of hurting something indirectly. Pretty much a bit of pure masculinity drain and some failure.
I straightened myself and attempted to readjust my backpack strap. Only to realize that I left it at Twilight's house. I looked into Celestia's eyes for the first time since I said Shite.
It was a face of pure authority, and a face that spoke what would happen if I didn't comply with whatever she said. This face will forever be burned into my mind.
"You will find this stallion, Alec, and bring him back here. After you bring him back, you are going back to your world, and you will never come back."
Shite. It doesn't pain me as much as it did back then, but having your dreams and hopes crushed in two sentences really sucks. Ever have the ability to buy an ice cream cone that was going out of stock forever, but not being able to? That there is my feelings right now.
"Celestia, I promise I will bring him back. But to be frank with you, I really don't have a clue on getting back."
"How did you know my name?"
At this point, Taylor and Elizabeth were attempting an escape from the room, but Luna put her hoof across the door. I was standing there like your parent accused you of watching porn, after catching you in the act.
"I said, how did you know my name? By your 'performance' out there, I don't think you know anything about this world you just got into."
"...fine. I'm going to tell you. Back in our world, this world is actually a little girl's TV show. Where Twilight Sparkle and friends learn about friendship and magic. You're a side character, and the three of us are obsessed teenagers who have zero social life. Our fanbase calls themselves Bronies, and we write fanfiction, music, and art about this. I got here because I knew how, and the three of us are the only Bronies to ever even look here with their own eyes. Alec isn't a brony, nor does he even have a daughter who watches the show. He's never even heard of it before. I've asked his wife. Now if you let me and my friends go get Alec, that would be great."
As Celestia and Luna stood in shock, Luna's hoof was easily moved out of the way as we walked out the door. Slamming it behind us, I proceeded to kick a paint bucket across the room, splashing a couple ponies with neon green paint. I punched a hole in the drywall to see Celestia's still paralyzed face, and I continued to punch more walls until there was a fine line between the other wall and the door. My two companions did nothing to console me as I grabbed my laptop and snapped it in half, and pitch it at a unicorn, who grabbed it with magic just in time. Grabbing the curtains in an attempt to rip them failed, and as I was stopped by my lack of destruction on the curtains, I laid down on the stage and cried. The paint covered ponies already left, and the unicorn whom I nearly injured with my laptop walked off in disgust. Twilight slowly walked towards me and sat down next to me.
In just hours, I have gained the respect of an entire town, and then lost it. The remaining ponies had either left or stayed to watch what happened. I didn't know what to think, but I sure as hell knew what not to think. I didn't think badly of Celestia for threatening to banish me, and I didn't think badly of anypony leaving the town hall because of me, and I was sure as hell not judging my parole officer for bumbling in here to screw up everything.
Feeling very self-conscious, I sat back up and quickly scooted behind the curtains. Twilight proceeded (man, I use that word a lot, don’t I) to scoot towards me until she was behind the curtains as well. We heard many ponies clop out of the town hall, until we were sure there were none left. Peeking from under the curtain, I saw Celestia, Luna, Elizabeth, and Taylor having a discussion. I’m pretty sure it was about me, and I took a mental note to pay for the drywall repairs later.
“You know, talking to a friend about your problems helps. I read about it in a book.”
I slowly turned my head up and to the right to see a lavender colored unicorn a little too close to me. In a, ‘best best friend’ kind of way. I’m pretty sure I’ve only gained the trust of Twilight and Fluttershy, and Pinkie trusts everyone, but I’m not sure about Rarity.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I quickly snapped out of my thoughts and back into reality to examine Twilight’s face. It was one of those ‘dumb pity’ faces. You know, that face where the guy is trying to help you cope, but instead, he goes on about something that isn’t what’s making you feel bad. Same face for either one, but you see it differently.
“I don’t know Twi. A lot of things happened in that room that were kind of weird and extravagant. Besides, we have a mission to do.” I wiped my eyes and stood up. My laptop was pretty messed up, being broken in half and all, and I wasn't too proud of myself for doing that to my precious computer. My backpack, on the other hand, was in pristine condition. I packed up my laptop and put on my backpack, ready for anything.
“What would that mission be?”
“We’re not the only three that came here.”
“What do you mean? I only saw you three. Who else did you bring?”
“Well, my portal to here, isn’t exactly the most private and most protected thing in the world. The only thing that was guarding it was my door, and that was left open. The fourth dude is my parole officer.” Seeing the shocked face on Twilight, I continued. “No no no, I didn’t commit a crime. I just blew a hole through a neighbor’s wall with a bottle rocket. Nothing too big. Except, y'know, leveling an entire house with a bottle rocket.”
“Oh, okay. Where is this fourth human?”
“After my long rampage, I’d say almost near the clearing near Fluttershy's cottage."
We just kind of stood there for a second. I pushed my hands through my hair, something I never did before. I never was cool enough to do it, but now I realize it was a stress reliever of some sort. It doesn't work, I'll tell you what. As my hands went through my hair I noticed how much more art style they borrowed from the show.
Twilight put on her saddle bags, and then nervously adjusted them right after adjusting them. I don't think I need to tell you, but this mare will adjust everything to perfection when she's nervous. She looked at me with shining eyes, not eyes for romance, but ones that just shined. Like, normal shiny. Everything is too fucking shiny here.
I was always one for romance, now that we're on the subject, and always a huge blundering idiot that attempted to pick up every girl I met. Huh..."huge blundering idiot"...I can really sum up the last couple of days with that set of adjectives and a noun. I just want to say right off the bat that I'm not a misanthropist. I love humanity. If it wasn't for humanity, I wouldn't have nearly the amount of education to build that portal. If it wasn't for humanity, I wouldn't exist. Humanity sucks at time, but after all, isn't human race the most dominant? Except over ants, of course. There's a ton of ants for each person. Just a bit of self-awareness and we're fucked.
"Towel, are you okay?"
"It's Tal. Tah, Ale. Tal. And no, I'm not okay. I just pissed off your two high rulers with words that could send this world into chaos, and these couple of days haven't been too fine. As you may have known, or not, we bashed Fluttershy over the head for 'self-defense', and just opened up a portal to this world that my peers - Heh, yeah right, - would probably use to get here. Soon after that the entropy levels of this place would skyrocket, and probably rain down chocolate milk, and then eventually implode."
"...a pretty bad day, right?"
"Like you wouldn't freaking believe. We have to go now, before Celestia says something I don't want to hear." I said that with the same kind of voice a death row inmate would say.
"Wait!" said a voice, "Celestia wants to talk to you! She wants a compromise!"
"Okay, Elizabeth, what kind of compromise? The one in cheesy action flicks where 'die, or go to jail' kind of deal, or an actual kind of deal?"
"I'm pretty sure it's the actual thing Tal." said Taylor.
"ugh...fine. I'll go in and make her a deal." "Hopefully my deal making skills are up to par after a long time of use. That reminds me of the time-"
"Shut it, Tal. We can talk about Keith all day long when we're fetching your parole officer." Wise words from Taylor, apparently.
~~~
As Elizabeth sat down in the office, overhearing everything that went down, she looked outside the door. Hundreds of shocked ponies stared at the door waiting for a sign that something may happen other than arguing. Elizabeth gave them a shrug, and the other ponies stared at her. Luna noticed the shrug and then closed the door, with eyes staring icicles into her face.
She turned around to see K-9 showing the picture of a parole officer wandering around through the forest, mouthing something like "What the fuck" over and over. The details Elizabeth relayed to me during this writing is really fuzzy up until I started pitching my fit. Elizabeth was trying really hard to show some sort of expression other than sadness and laughter. I've had that combo before, it sucks. It's like when the coffin at the funeral just rolls off while the pastor dude is praying, and everyone stops crying for a second and laughs, and then realizes it's their husband. Celestia was pretty darn shocked, and the drywall punch woke her to her senses.
"What in the name of Equestria is wrong with that human?" She turned to face Elizabeth.
"It's called a 'mental disorder'. We have a huge variety of them back on Earth."
"We have some like that, but not as bad as that. Are you sure Mayor Mare gave him permission?"
"Truth is stranger than fiction, I guess." said Taylor.
The two of them had their chairs balanced against the wall in a way you would see a 'cool dude' at school kick his chair back. Celestia was looking over the table with her hooves on either side of the desk. Luna was still leaning against the wall.
Waiting for the opportunity to let in a word, Luna said, "I don't know. He looks like my kind of guy."
"You can't date aliens from another dimension who threw paint across the town hall, punched holes in drywall, and apparently brought in other aliens as well. That's bestiality."
"Hold the telegram, sister. I am not dating any alien...soon." She lurched forward with the hooves in a fashion you would see from a ghost story teller at a campfire.
"While he sorts his issues with Twilight, I want you two...sane individuals to go get him to make a deal. I promise no harm will be done to him, or you two, or anyone else. As long as you cooperate.
Luna lifted up her hoof from the door and stood up on all four legs now. Speaking of which, Elizabeth never mentioned, but a pony standing on hind legs leaning back into a wall, isn't really a pretty sight, at least to my eyes.
~~~
"You want what?!"
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I have no other way of getting you back there."
"I'm the best of my effing kind in science, and I could whip up anything in a week, but a friggen portal without the tools I have back home?! You're out of your mind! I need those tools!"
"I'm sure we'll have them if you need them."
"What do you have if I try to run away? I mean, you've seen what I did to your drywall -oh shit. I'm going to fix that later.- and other things, so I'm pretty damn sure you aren't trusting me with the smallest chore here."
"You are, in fact, completely right." She said with a smile.
"Oh no, not another parole officer. I mean, geez, it's been nice staying with Fluttershy and Twilight, but I'm not sure I can take that in stride if they're my officers."
"Not Fluttershy, she doesn't really want to cooperate with you, of course, but she's fine with Elizabeth. Also, if you build the portal back, I won't have you tried for assault."
"Gee, thanks. Sigh... Alright, fine. You win. I'll build the portal as fast as possible. But, in this world with varied laws of physics, it's going to take a lot longer than the years of school slacking off it took me to make the blueprints for the original portal."
"Good. Twilight will be leading the trek up the mountains to rescue Alec. Since he looks to be much older than you three, I'll personally watch over him. If any problem is to occur between you three, I'll take the measures needed. But, I'm sure you'll be just fine, living in a house of something you have wanted for a long time?"
"Alright, I'll explain the rest of the brony stuff later. For now, I'm going to put this on record. Twilight is not a 'thing', and I'll make sure nothing blows up on my watch. We need a mutual trust for this compromise to work, mmkay? I, Tal, promise not to blow anything up, have prolonged exposure with any pony that isn't related to me in a professional relationship, and spend a fair amount of time per day on the portal back home."
"We have a deal then?"
"What's your part of the deal?"
"To be honest with you, you should be in a jail cell right now..."
"Alright fine. Just promise not to throw me in jail until I go home."
Celestia sighed for a brief moment, knowing full well she might have to catch me in the act of leveling a house with a bottle rocket, and stuck out her hoof. I, in the most awkward way known to man, took her hoof and shook it.
"Alright, Taylor, Elizabeth, let's go find our dude."
~~~
As you may know, this is a book. And like all good books, they must have a good end. I call bullshit. The last book of Harry Potter had the most bullshit of endings. That book was fucking awesome, and no one mentioned the seventh ending. The thing you really need, is a good middle, for plot, start, so people read, and a wrap up. Not a 'good' end, but a wrapped up one. Just make sure everything is neat under a bow, dotted 'i's and crossed 't's and all that stuff. I have noticed, over the pages printed from my typewriter, that my companions always proof check and review, that I may or may not have mentioned all of the secret pockets in my backpack. For example, I have a pocket with a figurine of my two friends, and my dog. I keep these three to keep me on track, to realize what my goal is. Another pocket has a chocolate bar that grows back, but doesn't taste very good. Another one even has a...wait...you didn't get to that part of the story yet, did you? Huh, that's a couple chapters away, but it'll come soon, I promise.
One of the aforementioned secret pockets also included beef jerky. It would have been much easier to say I had a pocket with beef jerky in it, but I needed to finish up this ink ribbon before I used the next one. This beef jerky was more like dried bacon strips, but it was sure damn good.
The five of us, Twilight, Me, Taylor, Elizabeth, and K-9 were all with me. Certainly not the last of us in a desolated plant zombie future, like I dreamed of, but certainly the group I would probably bring to go to the grocery store with, or paintball, or perhaps find a parole officer of some sort in the woods.
It was soon too easy to realize how close he was to the clearing of the woods, and in about fifteen minutes we found him. Which was a shame, because my beef jerky/dried bacon wasn't properly put to use. Along the way on our adventure, Elizabeth tripped over a branch, five sodas were consumed, and K-9 ate a squirrel. All in all, pretty normal. Seeing Alec stumble around like an idiot was pure happiness for me, as he looked more confused than the time where I went on a Boy Scout camping trip, parents leaving me without a cell phone, no Scouts to be around. It was later revealed I was a day early, and I had to survive on the squirrel's scraps. Confusion and scraps abound, either way, I loved seeing him stumble towards us.
"How did I know you three would be--holy shit a colored horse."
"That's usually the conversation I would expect from someone who hasn't watched the My Little Pony thing..." says the human girl.
"My Little Pony? Holy shit."
"I thought you didn't watch that?" questioned Taylor.
"Nope, I heard of it, but I made sure I would never watch the show, let alone set foot in it."
Twilight had yet to make herself known that not only was she not a horse, but she talked too. Showing off to aliens seemed like the best idea at the time to her.
"I think Twilight wants to talk to you." said me.
"Hello there, Alec."
"Holy shit they talk now. This is what I get for not retiring. Lying about their fucking 401k I swear to God. I should've quit."
"Would you like some fresh spring water, or a hay sandwich? Tal brought this phenomenal thing the other day, It's called coke, it was made with carbonated water and special syrup. It had quite an impact on my magic capabilities. It was like--"
"Holy shit. A science-y horse. A chatterbox, at that."
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No Sleep.
2829157
Sleep is for pussies.
2829157 I am usually like a pot head when I am exhausted. So no sleep!