• Published 15th May 2012
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The Equestrian School of Hackercraft and Villainy - benxlabs

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Chapter 1: School

Chapter One: School

“Um...miss...this is all just a big misunderstanding...we didn’t touch your pies!” Iron Hoof backed away from the enraged unicorn. Shortly after she had awakened, she discovered her most prized possessions, her pies, had gone missing. Being one of those bad-flank western rednecks, she immediately leaped to conclusions. Or maybe not. All they knew was that she was mad, and she was mad at him. Maybe it was because he was the biggest. Did she consider him a brute? Was he really that menacing looking? No. He probably wasn’t. But, alas, that didn’t really matter, as the crazed psycho-girl was still advancing. Yep. There was no stopping her. That was just too bad for him.

“Ah’ll say it once, and ah’ll say it again. Where. Are. Mah. Pies?!” The Pink-ish purple unicorn was getting more and more threatening every moment. Iron Hoof would have punched a hole in her face minutes ago if it weren’t for the fact that she was a girl. Now don’t get him wrong, it wasn’t because he was sexist, it was just that...well...eh...he supposed he was being sexist. He raised his hoof, and socked her in her pretty little face. Or tried to at least. He looked around, momentarily confused. She was just in front of him a moment ago!

Suddenly, a wicked push from the behind, sent him toppling forward. Please don’t smack into the wall! Please don’t smack into the wall! he thought desperately. That would be very embarrassing. But, as fate would have it, he smacked into the wall. He slid to the ground, face first. After muttering a few incoherent curses, he slowly got back on his hooves. He eyed the unicorn up and down. She was tougher than she looked. He tensed his muscles. He wouldn’t go easy on her this time. Then he thought: I wasn’t even going easy on her last time. What makes you think you’ll do any better this time? He mentally told his conscience to shut up and not ruin his moment.

Once again, he tensed his muscles. He narrowed his eyes. His opponent, the unicorn, just tossed her hair haughtily. She beckoned to him with her hoof, as if taunting him. It was too much. He charged. Suddenly, he felt a jab above his ear. A pressure point? He thought. Then he fell to the ground, unconscious. Akihiro walked over to the unicorn. “I must apologize for the boorish antics of my...impulsive friend. You are not injured, I presume?” Peach blinked a few times. Then she looked down. “Woah, nelly! You’re a small thing, aren’t ya? And who taught you how to talk? You’re a pony, not one of them robots, ya know!” Akihiro frowned. “Do my linguistic habits disturb you? That’s strange.” He closed his eyes and thought for a few moments.

“Don’t ya suppose we should er...wake up your little-I mean big friend, over here?” Peach prodded Iron Hoof’s sleeping form a few times. “Ah mean, he doesn’t snore, does he?” Before her words could even register, a sonic boom of a snore emitted from Iron’s sleeping form. Both Akihiro and Peach simultaneously dropped to the floor, clutching their ears in agony. “Ah can’t take it anymore! Mah ears are bleedin’!” She cried. “The frequency and volume of this sonance could be qualified as a sonic attack.” Observed Akihiro. Peach glared at him. “Do ya always act like this?”


Akihiro, Iron, and Peach were sitting in a circle. Shortly after Iron’s...snooze-fest, Akihiro had manipulated a few more pressure points as to wake up Iron Hoof. Akihiro then continued to persuade them to make a temporary truce, or at least stop trying to kill each other long enough for them to have a productive conversation. Of course, in his intelligent jargon, they didn’t quite get the point. Although it had pained him to do so, he resorted to explaining in “Layman’s Terms”. Much to the annoyance of Iron and Peach.

After a short period of swapping stories, they realized that they had all been captured by the same pony. Akihiro then noted that they were airborne. “I conducted a series of tests on the pressurization level and temperature. Judging from the slight vibrations and slight rocking, it would be safe to assume that we are aboard some kind of aircraft at about 41000 feet. The aircraft has been slowing in speed and altitude, so we seem to be approaching our destination.” Peach coughed, then said: “So...what do ya reckon we do about our little situation here?” Iron Hoof spoke up. “See those crates over there? We could hide in them, then when our captors come in, we jump out and ambush them.” Peach interrupted again. “That’s all fine and dandy, but how the hay are we supposed to get those crates open? They’re all welded shut, tight as canned peaches!” Iron Hoof grinned. “That...won’t be a problem.”

And it wasn’t a problem. Iron Hoof’s immense strength easily broke open the crates. Akihiro’s nimble hooves were able to put the crates back together just as they were. The ambush was ready. Suddenly,a jolt sent everything in the room flying. Including them. With the added weight of a pony inside, the crates gained enough inertia to smash into the wall. Already fragile from Iron Hoof’s beating, they broke. The three ponies then collapsed in a pile of wood shavings. One of the walls suddenly lowered. Sunlight streamed in, blinding them. Squinting, Peach saw 7 ponies enter. One pony, the leader it seemed, marched down the center. The other 6 split into two lines of 3 ponies each, and marched on both sides. The parade stopped in front of the exhausted protagonists. The leader spoke. “Get up. It’s time for school.”


And so they were inducted into the Equestrian School of Hackercraft and Villainy. The events of the first day...were rather interesting to say the least.

“What the hay?” Peach Blossom was the first to speak. They were “dropped off” shortly after their recapture. Apparently, the school was located in dragon territory, thus the need for aerial transport. Travel by land would surely awaken the hibernating dragons. Legend has it, the Twilight’s faithful assistant Spike was once challenged to jump into the volcano located in this region. The school was located under this volcano.

Usually, a volcano is a very bad place for a school to be located. however, this was not a usual school. The school used the heat of the volcano to produce geothermal power, and thus avoided detection by the national power grid. Even Akihiro had to admit, it was pretty clever. It might even be worth his time to...borrow some of that power.

Now, Akihiro, Peach, and Iron found themselves in the main antechamber of the school, surrounded by hundreds of other children. Akihiro took in his surroundings. The room was quite impressive, and was amazingly large for a underground room. It was also remarkably well lit. Clearly, the volcano provided more than enough energy to power the school. But that was obvious.

Just then, an ominous rumble caused a wave of uneasiness to sweep over the assembled crowd. Abruptly, a portion of the marble flooring lowered. Conversation erupted among the captive ponies. Then, just as abruptly, that portion of the floor rose back up. However, this time a stallion was riding upon it. He appeared to be in his prime, about 30 or 40. He was fit, but not so much as a body builder. His eyes gleamed like daggers, betraying a cold intellect. The floor-ivator thing continued to rise, until it became something like a podium.

The stallion smiled. It was the smile of a wolf. “Welcome, fillies. I am Nelio Maximillius, your new headmaster. But you can just call me Dr. Maximillius.” He raised his hooves in greeting. A colt called out: “We’re not fillies, you bag of bones!” Nelio narrowed his eyes. He shrugged and nodded his head at something in the shadows.

Before the insolent colt could say another word, he dropped to the floor. Someone in the crowd screamed as a puddle of blood spread around the body.

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