• Published 15th May 2012
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The Equestrian School of Hackercraft and Villainy - benxlabs

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Prologue: Agility

Prologue: Agility

Peach Blossom did not want anything to do with peaches, nor blossoms for that matter. Although most ponies in Ponyville had cutie marks related to their names, she was different. She had been raised on a Peach Farm, and now she wanted out. She was more interested in climbing the trees and jumping houses than picking peaches and selling them. Her real interests were jewels, money, and more jewels. She loved those things. They were just so shiny and perfect! Unfortunately, working on this Celestia-Damned farm would not help her obtain her precious gems. So, like any respectable pony, she ran away.

She tried to ration out her food, but her peach tarts and peach juice ran out within a week. This was bad. She was now in Baltimare City, with no money, no food, and no way to survive. The aroma of fresh baked pie shook her out of her stupor. Following the delicious scent, she arrived at the Baltimare Bakery. The smells were too much. She crawled through an open window and dropped noiselessly into the kitchen. Moving silently, she made her way into the oven room. Her mouth watered as she imagined the delicious tastes that would soon be filling her mouth. Ripping a used Peach tin in half, she used the sharp edge to sever the power cable. The machine immediately let out a protesting hum, and shut down. A few minutes later, the baked goods were hers. Leaping with joy, Peach Blossom forgot to check for laser trip beams. The moment she took a step, the entire facility started blaring with alarms. “Intruder Alert. Intruder Alert. Entering Lockdown. Entering Lockdown.” The previously friendly looking bakery had lost all of its warmth. All exits were blocked by titanium-tungsten alloy blast barriers. Swarms of Nightmare Tech drones were swarming in, tazers blazing.

This was bad. She closed her eyes and concentrated. The bots charged. She jumped, and using the sticky leftover pie filling, clung to the ceiling. The drones were not so lucky, and found themselves helplessly stuck to the wall by the very pies they were supposed to protect. Whistling, she casually hopped out the door, the entire bakery’s inventory of pies in tow. Heist success. That wasn’t so hard, was it? She was actually quite good at this.


“INTRUDER ALERT! All systems lockdown. Contain the intruder.” Geez. The Baltimare City Fund was such a penny pincher! She had only stolen what, 50 million dollars worth of diamonds, rubies, gems, and assorted crystals? Was that really something to get so worked up about? Okay, she admitted to herself. Maybe she was just being a little greedy. Just a little. After her successful hit on the bakery, she had continued to advance her skills, becoming one of the most renowned thieves in all of Equestria. And she knew it. After a few years on the run, she decided it was time to go for the big one. The Baltimare City Fund thought it was so indestructible, with its fancy security drones and laser tripwires. She would show them just how pathetic they were. But first, she would have to get out of here alive.

Throwing a thermal detonator, she camouflaged her heat signature and position from the drones. Pssht. Sun Enterprises wasn’t so tough. Then the security guards arrived. “Halt! You are under arrest under violation of the law! Drop your weapons and surrender!” She snorted. “Do y’all see any weapons on me? The only thing you could consider a weapon is mah pie!” As she spoke, she launched 3 peach pies, brimming to the top with sticky syrup. 3 down, 1 to go. This one seemed to be the Captain of the Guard, as he was smarter than the rest. He quickly took out a radio and barked something she couldn’t make out into it. She rushed forward, swaying side to side. When he was in range, she took out a peach muffin with extra peach frosting. He didn’t stand a chance. As she dashed forward, she swore she heard a female voice exclaim: “Muffins!” But she didn’t look back. She had to get out.

Alarms still blaring, she took out several more squads of security personnel using nothing but food items alone. She was almost out. Just a little bit further. Then she realized the exit was locked. Everything was locked down. Buck it! Lucky for her, she always brought her mother’s secret recipe. Momma Peachie’s Extra Spicy Peach Hot Sauce! Like her mother had always said: “It’ll burn through anything, up to 9 inches of titanium-tungsten alloy! Ripping off the cap of the indiscreet bottle, she splashed the contents of the bottle onto a nearby window. With a sizzle, the scalding hot contents got to work on the blast gate.

Casually hopping out the window, she took out a can of Peach Whipped Cream and emptied the can onto the ground below, creating a soft cushion to pad her landing. Bouncing off of it like a trampoline, she flew through the air, chuckling as she went. I could get used to this!, she thought to herself. With 50 million dollars worth of precious stones slung across her back, she made her escape. The next day, she saw that thousands of Wanted Posters had been posted throughout the city, all of them pointing to a “Mysterious Mare who used food items as their weapon of choice. Caution Advised. Do not approach alone.” The reward for her capture was a startling amount. 60 million? She didn’t even take that much!

She snorted. Ah well. Not like she could do anything about it. Over the next few years, Peach Blossom became one of the most notorious thieves ever known to ponykind. One day, she was in the middle of a “visit” to Sun Enterprises HQ. Before we get into that story however, you probably want to hear this story.

Shortly after Mane 6 and their friend disappeared because of one of Twilight’s magic experiments, Equestria soon fell into chaos. All of the land fell into anarchy. You would think that Discord would have taken advantage of the chaos, but he remained remarkably quiet. He even gave Celestia the idea to reform government. Instead of a monarchy, as Equestria had always had, she decided to create an oligarchy. However, there will always be casualties of war. The chaos had influenced Princess Luna negatively, re-creating the evil being Nightmare Moon. However, now that she had matured, she had more control over her own behavior. And because of this newfound discipline, she was able to ward off the majority of the evil thoughts planted in her mind by her form. That is not to say that she didn’t enjoy the occasional evil prank though.

However, jealous of her sister’s newfound power, she created her own company, Nightmare Technology. It proved just as successful as her shinier counterpart. Now, instead of anarchy, Equestria is locked in a civil war. Day against night. Sun Enterprises versus Nightmare Technology. Those who didn’t choose a side were forced to go into hiding, hoping for the mane 6 to return with their friend, and once again bring peace to the land. After all, they had defeated Discord’s third uprising without a hitch.

Now that that story is over, we can resume our current story.

Peach Blossom had been raised on a farm that was sponsored by Nightmare Technologies. She had been taught to resent Celestia and all those who were associated with her. However, being the “rebellious, ungrateful little brat” she had been, she didn’t give a buck about Nightmare Tech or Sun Enterprises. Who cared? They could fight each other to death and she wouldn’t care. All the more riches for her.

All the same, she decided to hit Sun Enterprises first. The compound itself was not so hard to get into. All she needed were a few conventional lock picks and a bottle of Momma Peachie’s hot sauce. Inside the building was a different story, however. DNA cannons, cryo-foam dispensers, drones, and assorted guards blocked the way to the treasury. She grit her teeth. This was going to be close. Way too close. Those DNA cannons would blast anything that it wasn’t programmed to recognize with a painful neurotoxin that would paralyze the target for just long enough for the guards to arrive and capture the unfortunate victim.

Suddenly, a guard walked past. Excellent. Perhaps she could get past the cannons after all. As the unsuspecting guard turned the corner, he was met with a barrage of pies and was quickly incapacitated. Now, using the limp form of the guard, she dashed across the hallway blocking each neuroblast with the guard’s body. She realized she could’ve just used a pie tin to reflect the blasts. Oh well. Too late now. Besides, this was more fun. The cryo-foam dispensers would probably prove to be a bigger problem, however.

This part of the hallway was completely empty, because the dispensers would shoot anything that moved. She thought. First, she needed to see the speed and accuracy of these dispensers. Reaching into her pack, she pulled out another pie tin. Using it like frisbee, she tossed it down the hallway. Just as she suspected, blasters popped out of the formerly seamless walls and sealed the pie tin inside a cube of impenetrable, ice cold foam. Yikes. After a few more pie tin throws, she decided that she had mastered the trajectory of the cannons. Galloping forward, she jumped into the air, twisting as she saw the cannons jump out of their cradles. As the next barrage launched, she slid, using her own momentum to propel herself across the smooth floor. She gave herself a hoof on the back as a reward for getting past such a tough obstacle. The treasury was just ahead. Checking the blueprints that she had swiped a few days ago, she confirmed there were no more traps. Just drones and guards. Excellent. She snuck forward, completely silent. As patrolling drones turned the corner, she decapitated them all with a single tin. She loved her job. When more drones and guards came to investigate the commotion, they found themselves stuck fast to the floor by some kind of peach jam. She laughed in their faces as she brushed rudely past them. That was too easy. The treasury obviously had a keypad. Buck. She was no good at these dag-nabbed fancy gadgets. Oh well. Some hot sauce should do it. And do it, the hot sauce did. Stepping through the gaping hole, still sizzling at the edges, she entered the treasury. Such riches! Almost crying with joy, she started filling her pillowcase with as much as she could, and then some. She started out the vault when a mare suddenly dropped in front of her. Great. Was this another guard? No. She wasn’t wearing a uniform. Another thief then?

“What do you want?” she asked irritably. The mare, probably a yankee, bared her teeth. “Oh, nothing much. Just you and everything you’re carrying.” She tensed. Then she felt a painful jolt of electricity course through her body. The last thing she saw before unconsciousness took her was the mysterious mare laughing.

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