David "The Hurricane" Schneider is a human living in Equestria. He earned his nickname by being ejected into Equestria during one of its worst hurricanes in centuries.
I think there could be a bit more description in what's going on, specifically in a part like when Rainbow thought she should leave. Like, show how Hurricane felt guilty about how it seemed like she felt.
Another thing, this occurred again:
“I get it, now will you 2 knock it off!” Dash yelled.
Remember, unless using it as a time type deal (i.e "we leave in 10 minutes) you want to write out the number. Like, you wouldn't write "Would you 3 come with me" you would write "Would you three come with me." Another acceptable place to use numbers would be if there was a number in the location, i.e "67th street" (first thing that came to mind).
Still liking the story, good luck with your stuff :)
I think there could be a bit more description in what's going on, specifically in a part like when Rainbow thought she should leave. Like, show how Hurricane felt guilty about how it seemed like she felt.
Another thing, this occurred again:
Remember, unless using it as a time type deal (i.e "we leave in 10 minutes) you want to write out the number. Like, you wouldn't write "Would you 3 come with me" you would write "Would you three come with me." Another acceptable place to use numbers would be if there was a number in the location, i.e "67th street" (first thing that came to mind).
Still liking the story, good luck with your stuff :)
5455098
Thanks for that.
5455102 No problem, I want to help as much as I can, and hopefully I'm not coming off as mean![:pinkiesad2:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiesad2.png)
5455111
No way dude! It's totally ok!
"and she wanted meet her parents" / "and she wanted ME TO Meer her parents"
Ok, now I’m super confused. PFC? That’s not consistent with Navy ranks. Why does he get a Navy rank and she get something else?
9160521
I don't think Wonderbolts are Navy. More like Air Force, which is weird.