David "The Hurricane" Schneider is a human living in Equestria. He earned his nickname by being ejected into Equestria during one of its worst hurricanes in centuries.
That being said, I do still feel it has it's flaws. In some places, it feels a bit rushed, like when he was running to the field, How did he get out there as fast as he did? Hurricane is a masseuse, not a track runner. At the very least, it should be emphasized just how far up Spits was if she was falling at the speeds that were being described.
Furthermore, when writing, you typically don't want to use numbers themselves, so instead of
Hell, I’ve had 2 clients in the space of 2 days
try
Hell, I’ve had two clients in the space of two days
And even that could be changed to
Hell, I've had a client a day for the past couple days
just to make it seem a little less repetitive.
I'm not the greatest review giver, but those were the two main issues that I had been having with reading this...
As I said, I am greatly enjoying this, and I very much look forward to more, but I recommend working on those.
RD being a stick in the mud rule follower? In what dimension? The Nuremberg Defense wouldn't work here. Heck, Dust would have gone for it if Dash didn't. Was Spits running a "Diamond" Drill or a "Solo" drill. If latter, would explination why no pony saw her fall until last minute.
I must say, I am thoroughly enjoying this.
That being said, I do still feel it has it's flaws. In some places, it feels a bit rushed, like when he was running to the field, How did he get out there as fast as he did? Hurricane is a masseuse, not a track runner. At the very least, it should be emphasized just how far up Spits was if she was falling at the speeds that were being described.
Furthermore, when writing, you typically don't want to use numbers themselves, so instead of
try
And even that could be changed to
just to make it seem a little less repetitive.
I'm not the greatest review giver, but those were the two main issues that I had been having with reading this...
As I said, I am greatly enjoying this, and I very much look forward to more, but I recommend working on those.
So, David and Spitfire are now going to be official. Sweet. I just hope get overwhelmed by the '15 minutes of fame' he is about to receive.
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Thanks for the tips and I'm glad you're enjoying the story!
......*take a big breath...*look at the clock and date* Sunday...that fast?
.....*keep reading*...
Someones life is in danger. fuck the chain of command!
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131002145936/mlp/images/e/e5/Spit_take.png
your mom reads your story!? holy shit dude.
Does this mean he'll have to dissapoint and break the hearts of the other team mares? Not to mention his customers in Ponyville?
RD being a stick in the mud rule follower? In what dimension? The Nuremberg Defense wouldn't work here. Heck, Dust would have gone for it if Dash didn't. Was Spits running a "Diamond" Drill or a "Solo" drill. If latter, would explination why no pony saw her fall until last minute.