Luna had gotten her wish. An entire city to rule as she saw fit. It was Celestia’s test. A test to see if she had truly reformed. A test to see what kind of ruler she could be. She quickly found out. Welcome to Luna's city of eternal night.
Page generated in 0.019 seconds
Total duration
1,011 users online
2,119,878 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I find this story hilarious. I would love for him to meet a vegetarian human at some point.
The best part was the reference to Carmen Sandiego.
Everything else is rather mediocre. The prologue is a plot-dump, meant to explain just where and how Whinnyeapolis - henceforth called the "city", in quotations - fits into the canon. We learned more about the origin of pistols in the first chapter than we did about the protagonist, Johnny. Do we really need to know how the "city" came to be: is it required reading that's meant to enhance our enjoyment of the story? I was hyped to hear that the "city" was Luna's first official seat of governance (that wasn't tied to her sister's throne, like a dog on a leash), but that was just another thing to help justify the noir setting by making it eternally night-time, and through some convoluted magic-science, speed up time for some reason.
I'm not saying details are bad, but when you're serving garnish with a side of entrée, you're doing something wrong. The story fell flat where it couldn't afford to: at the very beginning. A good hook is necessary, which is often-times why it takes so much time and effort to start a story. Saying that it "gets better later" is a cop-out, I feel, to get people to keep reading even if they don't want to.
All that (and the occasional grammatical slip) aside, it's a damn good story. A bit of a mess, but I genuinely like the setting and the characters. Johnny is...well, his "spidey sense" lie detector ability screams "Mary Sue", and I think it would be more of a hindrance to a genre that prides itself on mystery and intrigue. But he's got a mouth on him, and what's more, he has the finesse to not constantly spew wise-cracks. I'm looking at you, Peter Parker.
I stopped reading about the time when you were introducing Ori in earnest. I thought to myself: "Flicker, is this just going to be another exposition dump?" Sure as shit in an outhouse.
I can't really offer you any ideas on how to fix it because, in my opinion, the list is extensive enough to warrant a re-write. The first thing you need to worry about is being interesting, and unless the fanon-canon dichotomy is your cup of tea, this is not. If it's important to you that the "city" could, hypothetically, exist in MLP:FiM canon, then relegate everything that isn't important now to later chapters.
Edit: The author's note isn't very inspiring. Put simply, nobody improves by being perfect.
I'm not trying to get you to quit. (Emphasis, enough? )
I'm just sharing my thoughts on the story in what I hope is a clever and sardonic manner. Take it with a grain of salt - or a whole shaker, if you're feeling peckish.
humans cant eat hay i hope that this one was intended from you
I like it so far. It's not perfect but I like it. My favorite part is the writing itself. A lot of stories I've been reading lately turn me off simply because the writing isn't intimate enough. It's like I'm reading a textbook or something. This on the other hand is different. The writing is full of life and makes everything else a lot more enjoyable.
On the bad side, I feel like some of the stuff moved a bit too quickly. He went from being "private investigator in dangerous city" to almost a superhero very quickly. I also think that the characters seemed to change quickly and even though this is the first chapter and I don't know them well yet, it feels like the characters were out of character sometimes. My last complaint for now is using "buck" in place of "fuck". Its just a pet peeve of mine. It takes some of the seriousness away from it and breaks immersion a bit.
Still, I really like the story so far and its a lot better than the other garbage I've been trying to read lately.