- Member Since 30th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Nov 1st, 2021
Mister E
Eclectic observer of the odd, and the esoteric.
Mister E
Joined 30th Jul, 2014 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I find this story hilarious. I would love for him to meet a vegetarian human at some point.
That last line... What.
5436635 A paraphrase of Lauren Bacall to Humphrey Bogart in "To Have and to Have Not" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MheNUWyROv8 I expect they'll be a lot of that since I'm writing a noir story. Just Like the song "Unforgivable" was a paraphrasing of the real song "Unforgettable" by Irving Gorden, which was sung by Nat King Cole.
You could have had the tail pretend he was a bad tail, but I liked him being the distraction.
this chapter felt very short.
Okay, first things first: It has taken me far too much time to get around to finally read this chapter.
It was glorious! I LOVE Johnny's character! His sarcastic comments. Brilliant!
And your pacing is fantastic. It's not smooth, as a detectives work is never smooth. It's not slow, as a detective can't afford to slow down.
It's not too fast as a detective can't afford to overlook things either. It's wonderfully erratic BUT without it getting tiresome it is JUST right. It varies depending on the situation and depending on his current state of mind. (Which is probably the reason why I can immerse myself so well in your story)
I as reader am smoothly put into his (horse)shoes find myself repeatedly and refreshingly amused by his reactions and comments to the things I experience through his eyes.
That's actually something I just realised now. I've been wondering since chapter one, what it was about the way you're telling this story, that makes it so... detective-story'y. It's the constant change of pace and the unique and sarcastic way those detective-characters are coping with it.
Also you've created an absolutely hilarious dynamic with him constantly being put under Celly's and Luna's antics.
If it's only half as much fun writing this as it is reading it, then you're in quite the enviable position :twilight:
5576080 Thanks for your kind words OZ. I used to/ still do watch a lot of old black and white movies. My fav's were the detective and gangster stories. Bogart, Cagney, Edward G. Robinson, the old radio serials like The Shadow, and of course the recent noir movies like Sin City, and the sequel. Noir movies can't really be watched as if they were ordinary flicks. Everything is purposely exaggerated. More art than film. I eat 'em up. Next chapter is halfway done, expect a big surprise. Speaking of surprises, check out my latest blog for some art on another upcoming story I'm working on. I think it will catch you off guard...
Wow! What suspense, I'm all shaky! Another great chapter. There's nothing more to say.
Defintely worth the wait. That chapter was awesome.
You refined the protagonists further and advanced in the story at the same time.
Also introducing this hight-tech facility and hinting that it may have a few dark secrets is adding tremendously to the immediate suspense of the story.
I said it before and I repeat it. Your story telling is incredible. It's so immersive, it's always a pleasure to read.
The best part was the reference to Carmen Sandiego.
Everything else is rather mediocre. The prologue is a plot-dump, meant to explain just where and how Whinnyeapolis - henceforth called the "city", in quotations - fits into the canon. We learned more about the origin of pistols in the first chapter than we did about the protagonist, Johnny. Do we really need to know how the "city" came to be: is it required reading that's meant to enhance our enjoyment of the story? I was hyped to hear that the "city" was Luna's first official seat of governance (that wasn't tied to her sister's throne, like a dog on a leash), but that was just another thing to help justify the noir setting by making it eternally night-time, and through some convoluted magic-science, speed up time for some reason.
I'm not saying details are bad, but when you're serving garnish with a side of entrée, you're doing something wrong. The story fell flat where it couldn't afford to: at the very beginning. A good hook is necessary, which is often-times why it takes so much time and effort to start a story. Saying that it "gets better later" is a cop-out, I feel, to get people to keep reading even if they don't want to.
All that (and the occasional grammatical slip) aside, it's a damn good story. A bit of a mess, but I genuinely like the setting and the characters. Johnny is...well, his "spidey sense" lie detector ability screams "Mary Sue", and I think it would be more of a hindrance to a genre that prides itself on mystery and intrigue. But he's got a mouth on him, and what's more, he has the finesse to not constantly spew wise-cracks. I'm looking at you, Peter Parker.
I stopped reading about the time when you were introducing Ori in earnest. I thought to myself: "Flicker, is this just going to be another exposition dump?" Sure as shit in an outhouse.
I can't really offer you any ideas on how to fix it because, in my opinion, the list is extensive enough to warrant a re-write. The first thing you need to worry about is being interesting, and unless the fanon-canon dichotomy is your cup of tea, this is not. If it's important to you that the "city" could, hypothetically, exist in MLP:FiM canon, then relegate everything that isn't important now to later chapters.
Edit: The author's note isn't very inspiring. Put simply, nobody improves by being perfect.
)
I'm not trying to get you to quit. (Emphasis, enough?
I'm just sharing my thoughts on the story in what I hope is a clever and sardonic manner. Take it with a grain of salt - or a whole shaker, if you're feeling peckish.
5933719 Part of the issue was that it was originally going to be a one chapter one shot, but then several of my readers kept encouraging me to keep going. And you are correct in that trying to make it a novel length story, it could use a rewrite. When it was only a one shot, I felt the exposition dump was necessary to give people the sense of background and to set the mood that I wanted quickly. Several of the ideas set in that first chapter required pretty big suspensions of disbelief, which work for a short piece, but are hard to maintain logically for a longer story. Several times I considered putting it on hiatus until I could go back and retool everything, but once I invest 'x' amount of words in something I feel compelled to have it reach it's conclusion.
I want to say that as soon as I finish my other novel length project, I will come back and overhaul this one from the beginning. I WANT to say that, but odds are that I will have something else in the works, and it will keep being put off. I did eventually manage to go back and clean up DFR, all 140k+ words of it, so at some point Sin Whinny will receive the same treatment. Until then I will do my best to make what's left of the story, (about half), as interesting and compelling as possible for all the readers that are still following it.
Also, no worries about me quitting. If you know of BleedingRaindrops, then you know just what a truly vicious critic can be. I weathered her storm concerning another story, and put her comments to good use. This was because what she had to say was both accurate, and meant to be taken not as an attack, but as a way to help me improve my writing.
Comments like yours and hers can olny help to focus my attention on areas where I am lacking. In a field where every word you write is a representation of who you are, pride really does come before a fall. And anyone not willing to listen to the people who take the time to read what you have written will invariably embarrass themselves.
(Ah, that was a rather long winded way of saying 'thank you'.)
Moonlight and together we look at the spectacle before us
If this is a crossover of Sin City, then you should mark it as one.
7005565 Merely a pun on the name. Although several themes in both are similar. (And I am a fan of both movies). I also included many homages to other noir movies from the past including 'To Have and to Have Not', 'The Maltese Falcon', and 'The Third Man'.
I think a steampunk story should get a Sci-Fi tag. I'm not sure though.
7184608 That is a valid point! Tags upgraded.
humans cant eat hay i hope that this one was intended from you
Now they just need to hold out long enough for either Luna or Celestia to make it and deal with the big guy. That should be easy! Right...?
What am I saying. They're going to have an epic fight with the robot army, Ebon may die. Then our Hero will make a noble sacrifice to deal with the giant robot. Right as he does so Celestia and Luna will arrive to witness it. Afterwards, their intervention will save Johnny and he will wake up in the hospital to one (or all) of the many girls he's saved over the story asleep at his bedside.
Just what I think of course.
7380802 I like the way you think.
However I think Johnny is all out of saving throws at this point. Also, since I just can't help myself from giving hints, Johnny and his friends still don't know the BIG picture. Although there were several hints in previous chapters about it. 
And as for Luna... well... you'll see.
You were spot on about one thing for sure. And that is there's about to be a big fight. Johnny has no magic runes to power up with. He's not very good with magic without them, and his living armor can't get close to that giant metal pony without succumbing to it's weakness to harmonics. Add to that it's protected in a shield that destroys anything it comes in contact with. Oh, and then there's those 500 cyber ponies to deal with.
Right about now I'd imagine Johnny misses his simple missing pony/Maretease Phoenix case...
So... Luna basically rules Treno from FF9? I can dig it.
Shadow is either Luna or her daughter.
I like it so far. It's not perfect but I like it. My favorite part is the writing itself. A lot of stories I've been reading lately turn me off simply because the writing isn't intimate enough. It's like I'm reading a textbook or something. This on the other hand is different. The writing is full of life and makes everything else a lot more enjoyable.
On the bad side, I feel like some of the stuff moved a bit too quickly. He went from being "private investigator in dangerous city" to almost a superhero very quickly. I also think that the characters seemed to change quickly and even though this is the first chapter and I don't know them well yet, it feels like the characters were out of character sometimes. My last complaint for now is using "buck" in place of "fuck". Its just a pet peeve of mine. It takes some of the seriousness away from it and breaks immersion a bit.
Still, I really like the story so far and its a lot better than the other garbage I've been trying to read lately.
This will be the last package I ever send your ass!
It's been six months and still no word, I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters, I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect...
Lol, sorry, I just couldn't resist!
I'm beginning to become very confused as to why this story didn't have thousands of views. It's certainly good enough so far.
When you say "star dust" do you mean base elements like Carbon, Hydrogen, Nitrogen, Oxygen, Phosphorus, and sulfur? The elements that make up most life on earth? All except hydrogen formed by nuclear fusion inside a star?
I'll admit, some of the stuff from the first couple chapters was a bit shaky, I even considered stopping once or twice. But every chapter since then has been even better than the last. Your writing style has improved greatly, the story had good flow, and there are many elements at play that all keep me on the edge of my seat without being overwhelmed. Truly a very good read so far.
It's spelled "sergeant". Unless it's the name of someone or somewhere. At first I thought it was just his name, but you used it as a title.
That was great.
So that makes four mares that aren't the sisters with interest, to outright desires towards Johnny. Gonna be quite an interesting series of headaches to manage all this! By this point I'm invested and can't wait to see how things turn out. Should be loads of fun, even if there are lots more explosions that happen as a result!
Ooo, good action, good drama, the story is getting better and better!