The Chronicles of Ponyville high school: Razor's story

by Broneyofnoel

Epilogue....Sweet Songs....Information of Story #2

The Day before the end of School

Sweetie Belle sat at her piano, she held a note book up with her magic, and she started to sing....

(Listen)

"'m so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

I would give the very breath from my chest

To give you all the things that my mind couldn't bear

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have...all of me

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face, it haunts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice, it's chased away

All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

I love to walk away and pull myself out of the rain

But I can't leave without you

I love to live without the constant fear and endless doubt

But I can't live without you

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have...all of me

All of me

All of me

All..."

Rarity sat outside the door listening to her sister, she....did she write that song, it was so beautiful, so emotional, so....loving.

"Sweetie Belle, that was beautiful." Raritybarged in once she was done.

Sweetie just looked out the window, letting a few tears go down her cheeks.

The song was hers, she had written it, and she had sung it, and she had sung it for Razor.

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Hey guys, the new story is getting moderated, so, I'll post a link soon!

Comments

[Deltakilo]

i could go on about the rushing and the spelling errors but everyone and their mother has mentioned those already. so ill focus on what i believe are the bigger problems

I was really interested in where this was going at first. a story about a pony who cuts himself to deal with his hardships, finds friends at all that good stuff. I was even willing to ignore the flaws because i wanted to see what would happen next

But then everypony... died it really felt like it came the *YAY* out of nowhere and the the story went from an interesting concept, to a typical deathfic. the story description says that "he (Razor) hangs out with the mares, he cares for them, helps them with their problems " but the problems are Appleboom and Scootloo dying and are only known to Sweetie Belle after Razor himself dies. Why do they die in the first place? especially when it was so abrupt. It just didn't fit the context of the the story

Razor cutting himself only becomes a plot point once and is never treated like a problem or a key part in the story, its just something he does. and although the part where Sweetie Belle uses it to cope is good tearjerking materiel, it stills feels forced. And then there are the many other good plot points that don't go anywhere, like the journal thing, I was expecting some really good conflict opportunity, only to have it become irrelevant at the end, or the when Luna tells him that he can talk to Sweetie Belle one last time, it never happens even when the timing is perfect

Also some things are really over the top and/or didnt make sense, like why is it when the bully punches Razor, he needs to go to the hospital and almost dies, why is the coach the only one who wanted to know who almost killed this 14 year old, why does everyone forget about it when he when he uses the special power that no one knows about

In my opinion you wasted a perfectly good plot, one that really had potential. I recommend that you rewrite this, make it longer, flesh out the high school stuff, show some real friend-shipping, make realistic problems with creative solutions, put some heart into it

I would love to see this done well and i hope you take the time to give it the care it needs to be a truly inspiring story. Heck I'd be willing to help if you ask

Also a word of advise: the key to romance is to make it a suspenseful emotional roller coaster

[Broneyofnoel]

628246

Most problems that you mentioned are being put to use in the second story

[Qussar]

The concept was way way waaay too good for it to be like this ,the ending is great kudos for that
But the story? Too rushed , i didn't feel anything while reading it, no joy no sadness no happiness no compassion, and seriusly in all this story he only cut up himself badly once ,the way the story began i expected much more than this... Much much more , you disappoint but thumbs up anyway