LUNCH HORROR
Rainbow Dash's POV
It was lunch time and I was sitting with Twilight,Fluttershy,Sunset Shimmer,Rarity,Pinkie Pie, and Apple Jack. (Yeah it takes place after the events of EG)
"So Twilight what happened at the principles office?" I ask.
"Well Celestia told me to give a tour of the school for four new kids." She said
"So wanna tell us their names?" I was curious who they were.
"I'll tell you guys later, right now let's eat some lunch." She then started playing with her hair then started eating.
We all ate until the lights went out. "HEY who turned off the lights!!!
{Five Minutes Ago}
Foxy's POV
"All right now before we go in let's get the song Freddy uses." I found a computer and found the song.
"Hmmm that's strange."
"What is?" Chica walks to the computer. When she got there she got a confused look on her.
"The name's changed."
"Ummm does it matter?"
"Guess not."
Rarity's POV
When the lights went out I didn't know what to do. Panic or be confused. Everything was silent until I heard music (Add FNAF theme here, music that would be a jingle or something. I looked around and trust me it was dark, I saw two brown eyes flickering on and off. I heard a deep voice of laughter.
Red glowing eyes at the counter and one red eye near us.....WAIT WHAT.
"AHHHH MONSTER MONSTER!!!"
Everyone else was screaming when thunder lit the room to show a tall person with a eye patch, in a red jacket kinda for pirates,and a hook for its right hand.The eyes went away and it was pitch black again until a spotlight show a person with brown hair in a yellow suit hold a microphone with its knees to its chest. The person had no eyes, it didn't move, the only thing we all heard was a child's laughter.
The lights went back on, but I wished they were off. What all of us saw were eyeless yellow bear heads with its mouth open like it was dead.
The lights the flicked on and off again and again until I saw Rainbow Dash beating some on up. I got up and ran to her.
"Rainbow Dash what are you doing!!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
I got Rainbow to stop, she went back to her seat I walked up to the stranger and said. "Are you okay?"
"Does it look like I'm okay?!?"
I saw a shirtless teenage boy with scars on his body,blood near his mouth and eyes, he had one normal eye and the other eye was pure white.
" FOXY, Rainbow were you even looking at who you were hitting?!." Twilight ran up to him with a worried look on her.
"Im FINE, I just need to clean the blood..." He was looking at me with confusion.
"Why attack me though, I wanted a life where I don't get avoided by everyone.
I was he being avoided for... Foxy turned around and walked to the double doors and left.
RD's POV
"Foxy wait!" I could see Twilight veing worried for him.
"I'm going to the boy's restroom."
"Geez...." I feel guilty now.
TO BE CONTINUED
"Does it look like I'm okay?" XD XD XD XD THIS STORY ROCKS
Let me stop you right there. You should not need to color code the quotes. It should be obvious from the dialogue going on who's talking. Either by giving them each a specific accent, or tone of voice, or even just putting 'X said' after each piece of dialogue, you should NEVER have to resort to color-coding text.
Yeah,we don't need another 'Five Nights at Freddies' story, thanks.
I've seen at least ten.
Okay review time! First, don't color each character, because it may look like you are disorganized. Second make each chapter at least 1,000 words, because most short story's don't get popular and it looks like you rush things. other than that 7/10, could use work but it will keep me reading because this is a rare fic. (as of right now)
You need to separate author's notes from your actual story description. And using colors for POV switches is very, very lazy unless it's a specific gimmick. Your chapters are incredibly short as well, shorter than even James Patterson's.
</nitpicking>
5190477 This.
5184957 Spoilers!
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Like the other guys said color codeing is a lasy way of telling the audiance who is saying what. But that least of this story problems one of the biggest problems of this story you give us no form descreption of anything be it the charecters or the scenery. Another problem is that if we do a little math here we find out that you have made Foxy atleast 27 (Even older if you think the theory that anametronic are in fact vengful spirits of children) and you this is one thing you can not argue with me you wanna know because chica stated that Foxy got the scar in 1987.
And your telling me that no one has raised an eyebrow at the man with the eyepatch and hook for a hand (this could been so easy all you have to was have someone ask Foxy why he has those hell not even that insted of this whole stupid chapter being about there scareing every one at school you could have them enter the cafeteria and have Foxy hear people talk about eyepatch and hook) whis why we proof read so we can fix problem like this.
Also the chapters are barely a chapter long ther is much empty space wich you could have used to descibe the scenery charecters or god forbid develop the relationship between the charecters.
The entire time I was reading this chapter, all I could say was 'fucking idiots'. Seriously why would they do that? YOU ARE NOT THE DAZZLINGS YOU CAN'T MAKE IT WORK!
GOOD, BUT FREDDY EYES, THE MARCH
I had a stroke reading that.
Thanks, Rarirare.
Also
Foxy is an overrated shit
Jus' sayin.
He didn't do the Bite, Freddy did.
And I'm noticing a certain lack of Bonnie in this...
I have a shitload of evidence why Foxy didn't do the Bite and Freddy did.
Ring me up sometime.
5190537
If you're trying to prove a point, at the very least spell things correctly.
Five Nights at Freddy's not Freddies.
Freddies = Multiple of Freddie
And I've seen plenty of smut fanfics
Sooo....
Why ain't you yelling at them?
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is...
Let people write what they want.