She crossed her fore hooves and dawned an un approving face as the form of a stallion sized purple dragon entered through her bedroom door, panting and wheezing as he tried to catch his breath.
Forehooves should be one word, like forearms is; unapproving is one word; and stallion-sized should be hyphenated as such.
"No I don't. I told you, I don't have feelings for her anymore. She's my friend," Spike tried to explain.
There should be a comma after the no. Then again, I'm a bit of a comma whore and am deeply in love with the Oxford comma, so take that bit with a grain of salt.
"Ooooooooooh! Dam him! He always knows how to push all my right buttons!"
There should be something denoting this as a thought (such as apostrophes instead of quotation marks or the use of italics), not spoken dialogue. Also, damn is the word you're looking for.
Sweetie tilted her head.
"You promise?"
Spike made a cross gesture over his heart.
"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."
Bit of personal preference here: Lines 1 and 2, as well as 3 and 4, should be paired with each other to indicate they're related. As it is, it feels stilted.
He coiled his long, thin tongue around her own organ, pulling on it and stroking it like a tongue hug.
MY MIND JUMPED INTO THE GUTTER AND NOW IT WON'T COME BACK OUT.
"Don't be stupid, Spike! She's giving you the green light. Stop being such a filly and dragon up!"
Again, there should be something indicating that this is a thought.
"MOM! Get out of my room!" Sweetie blurted, her face ablaze from a mix of embarrassment and left over arousal.
Leftover would be the correct word here.
"So, uh…dose that make the cut for most embarrassing moment in your life or what? Cuz it sure wins the vote for me…heh heh…"
Does. Also, cuz is the lazy bastard's way of typing 'cause, which is still slang, mind you.
She was about to tackle her dragon boyfriend, when Spike Jumped off the bed and started stretching his back.
Jumped shouldn't be capitalized.
"You still owe me for being late. Ya know a lot of boys would give their left hoof to take me out, yet I spend seventy two percent of my time getting stood up by you."
Ya know, should have a comma after it.
"Anything! Just name it and it's yours!" He stated, dropping to his knees.
No complaints here, just brownie points for the correct use of it's.
"You're going to take me to lunch, and not that noodle hut you love so much. A nice restaurant. Aaaaaand…you're not going to be late again. I don't care what Rarity has you doing. When it's time to see me, you better drop what your doing and come running into my hooves."
This is odd: You use the correct you're at the start of the sentence, but you use the wrong one in the last sentence.
Spike answered by standing fast and picking Sweetie up in a tender hug, to which Sweetie almost melted.
Standing fast feels really awkward here. I'd suggest using 'quickly standing' or some other variant.
It was one of the manny things she loved about him.
Many.
A grey teen earth pony watched from around a corner as a stallion sized dragon and a white unicorn stepped out into the sunlight. She pushed her designer glasses up to the bridge of her muzzle, scowling at the pony she hated most.
Again, stallion-sized. Also, 'hated the most' feels a lot less clunky here.
And off all that wasn't bad enough, she was loved by all who knew her, and now she had a boyfriend.
If, not off.
Now don't get me wrong: All of that has nothing to do with the quality of the narrative. In fact, I'm really liking this story so far: I'm a sucker for a good romance story. Instead, it shows of the need for a proofreader.
All in all, I'm really looking forward to reading more of this. I might read the next chapter in a little while, but it's 1:35 in the morning here and my eyelids are feeling heavy.
Hmmm, my favourite ship, I'll see where this goes. Honestly, I'm surprised that Rarity and Spike would still have a good relationship as friends after he got over her. She's been very cruel to him at times.
Just a reminder, when you have something on dialogue, aka in quotations, and are saying something that would be in quotations within the quotations then you use apostrophes as a substitute for quotation marks. It was a fun read, but there were a lot of little errors.
For the record, before I start reading, her name is Sweetie Belle, as in the feminine french word for "beautiful".
5178841 really I didn't know that. Intresting
Lance blazer
Forehooves should be one word, like forearms is; unapproving is one word; and stallion-sized should be hyphenated as such.
There should be a comma after the no. Then again, I'm a bit of a comma whore and am deeply in love with the Oxford comma, so take that bit with a grain of salt.
There should be something denoting this as a thought (such as apostrophes instead of quotation marks or the use of italics), not spoken dialogue. Also, damn is the word you're looking for.
Bit of personal preference here: Lines 1 and 2, as well as 3 and 4, should be paired with each other to indicate they're related. As it is, it feels stilted.
MY MIND JUMPED INTO THE GUTTER AND NOW IT WON'T COME BACK OUT.
Again, there should be something indicating that this is a thought.
Leftover would be the correct word here.
Does. Also, cuz is the lazy bastard's way of typing 'cause, which is still slang, mind you.
Jumped shouldn't be capitalized.
Ya know, should have a comma after it.
No complaints here, just brownie points for the correct use of it's.
This is odd: You use the correct you're at the start of the sentence, but you use the wrong one in the last sentence.
Standing fast feels really awkward here. I'd suggest using 'quickly standing' or some other variant.
Many.
Again, stallion-sized. Also, 'hated the most' feels a lot less clunky here.
If, not off.
Now don't get me wrong: All of that has nothing to do with the quality of the narrative. In fact, I'm really liking this story so far: I'm a sucker for a good romance story. Instead, it shows of the need for a proofreader.
All in all, I'm really looking forward to reading more of this. I might read the next chapter in a little while, but it's 1:35 in the morning here and my eyelids are feeling heavy.
Good grief. A couple of minutes into the first chapter, and I already feel like bitchslapping that annoying whiny cunt.
It's Cookie Crumbles, Sweetie Belle's mom.
Hmmm, my favourite ship, I'll see where this goes.
Honestly, I'm surprised that Rarity and Spike would still have a good relationship as friends after he got over her. She's been very cruel to him at times.
at the beginning, that was a great poem
Just a reminder, when you have something on dialogue, aka in quotations, and are saying something that would be in quotations within the quotations then you use apostrophes as a substitute for quotation marks. It was a fun read, but there were a lot of little errors.