In the beginning
Chapter 1
A/N: First I would like to say that I am by no means a hater but quite the opposite. I just thought it would be neat to see how a PoE (Pony on Earth) would play out if a hater got a hold of a pony instead of a Brony. Anyways, as said by DJ BRON3, on with the chapter!
“So this is how it all ends…” Rainbow Dash thought to her as the gun was pointed between her sobbing eyes. Her forelegs tied off in opposite directions as her back two were weighted down so much she could not feel their presence. The pure exhaustion from the months of torture disabled her ability to fly. All she could do now was waiting, just a little longer. The metallic sheen of the pistol gleamed into her eye slightly as the single bulb above shone down on her. The menacing look of the dark, almost unrecognizable, figure standing in front of her paralyzed her very being and immediately annihilated all thoughts of a possible way of escape, thoughts of a savior appearing, thoughts of hope… There she was; Hung in midair. She was unable to muster up enough energy to even try to escape. The thought of it all finally ending was…soothing. She could not think of anything else but how good she would feel after this, if there was a place to go after she died. The man standing over her noticed a smile come to her muzzle.
“So you finally accept the fact that no one wants you here. No one will love you. Ever,” He hissed to the rainbow-maned mare. “Well I won’t make you wait for the inevitable.”
The man smirked knowing that he is going to kill the very thing that Bronies everywhere loved so dearly. His warped brain then sent the nerves in his trigger finger the signal to end it. The trigger was then pulled. The bullet sprung into the chamber of the pistol. The hammer swung and smacked the end of the bullet. A spark was thus created. The ignition of the gunpowder began. The expanding heat from the chemical reaction caused the projectile to burst forth from the barrel faster than Dash could ever fly.
This is how it all ends…
Wait? What’s that!? IS THAT-wait. Why am I at this part? Why would I start here? I’m sorry; I should have started at the beginning. Let me first explain why Dashie is here in the first place…
Ponyville: 6 months earlier:
"I’ve done it!!” Twilight ecstatically announced to her assistant. “I have finally discovered the final component of the spell for interplanetary transport! I’ve always dreamed of visiting space after my first time stargazing.”
After her parents took a notice to the little stargazer’s interest in space, they gave her her first telescope, which only fueled her desires. She began mapping the stars and their many constellations, reading all she could on the subject, and even to this day still has dreams of her visit to these planets and discovering a new form of life.
“Life…” she thought of the word constantly. She would have something new to study. She could analyze all their cultures, languages, and technologies that she might of never heard of. The word also plagued her thoughts. What if she found a race of beings that have no sense of morality? No sense of justice? No sense of remorse? What if she found a life form bent on seeking and destroying everything that they didn’t consider ‘normal’?
She pushed the thought out of her head. “What are the odds of that?” She said to herself.
“What are the odds of what?” asked a certain purple scaled dragon as he tuned back in. “Oh it’s nothing, never mind.” she said to her curious counterpart.
“Whatever,” said Spike as he waved a claw in the air and worked his way to the kitchen.
Later that week:
“Everypony here?” Twilight asked her friends.
“Here!” Pinkie blurted out as she was bouncing from her excitement and unlimited reserves of energy.
“Here, darling,” Said Rarity.
“Ah’m here,” Exclaimed Applejack.
“H-here…” Fluttershy said nervously.
…
“Where’s Rainbow?” Twilight questioned.
“HERE!” screamed Rainbow Dash as she soared in at almost top speed. “Sorry I’m late girls; my nap took a little longer than I thought it would.”
“Well as long as everypony is here I’m fine with it. You’re going to need the energy where were going,” Said Twilight with a smile.
“Where exactly are we going again, dear?” asked Rarity.
“Well based on my research, I found a planet within a short distance of ours that’s inhabitable. The atmosphere is made of a similar makeup as ours, it is covered in green grass and vast oceans, and I casted a spell and detected life!” Twilight announced with a sense of giddiness.
Well Ah’ll be darned. There really is somepony else out there, ain’t there?” proclaimed Applejack.
“Yep, now we just have to go there and meet them! I just hope we’re greeted like I hope…” she whispered. The plaguing thought of the possibility of the race they discover being malicious still in her mind. “Anyways, everypony ready? If so, please gather in the prepared circle.”
They began to collect into a circle covered in strange patterns and markings in which none of them were familiar. Twilight began to conjure up the spell, bringing all her magical energy into one spot at the end of her horn. A light began to appear, growing brighter and brighter. The wind started to pick up. The markings on the circle started to glow; each a different color. The air was now a raging torrent circling around them. The symbols and various lines underneath them slowly started to spin. The light at the end of Twilights horn was now too bright for their eyes to bear. Lightning began to shoot from the horn in all directions. Then a final beam of light flashed. Everything turned silent. Not a thing stirred, though something didn’t feel right.
They weren’t conscious to know it, but the spell malfunctioned. That single beam of light, instead of engulfing the whole group, shot forward and hit the pony directly in front of Twilight: Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash was completely surrounded by white. There was no up or down, left or right. There she floated for what seemed like forever. She did not know what to do. She tried to breath but her expanding lungs were not filled.
“But how am I still alive?” She thought. She tried to speak, but with no air, this is rendered impossible; same with flight, nothing. This strange place she was in: that’s all there was, nothing.
She took notice to something: a small black dot appeared in the distance. She smiled and made a mental squee knowing that she might finally get out of this ‘place’.
After a bit more time passed, the dot, which now took shape of a door, got ever closer. She was now close enough to touch it.
She immediately regretted this decision.
The moment she touched the door, it swung open and a tremendous force began to pull her in. She could feel her body stretching as it yanked her very existence into its dark corridor.
She tried to hold onto the edge of the door, but her attempts were futile. The door closed behind her. Darkness was everywhere. She began to spiral as if she was in a whirlpool. At the bottom was a white light. She felt a strange feeling throughout her body. She looked down at her hooves. They were slowly evaporating off her body. She tried to scream, but nothing came out. She could see the bits of her slowly disintegrating appendages moving towards the center of the hole.
Then it happened again: a flash of light. She felt a rush of air as she was hurled towards the body of water she appeared over. She found herself completely trapped in the water. She was having a tough time registering what just happened. The choking feeling quickly brought her back to reality. She kicked her legs as hard as she could. She worked her way up to the surface while fighting for consciousness.
After breaking the surface, she took a much needed gasp of air. She stopped and tried to figure out what was going on around her. She was surrounded. Water; there was water everywhere. Not a single glimpse of land was in sight; only the strange sun near the horizon casting a range of hues of purple and red.
“Where am I?” she cried.
End Chapter 1
A/N: This is my first time writing fan fiction so I am accepting criticism. Please tell me if I should continue. If you find any grammatical errors please me know. Helpful tips are also appreciated.
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I will be adding more stuff later (tags, characters, etc.) When I learn more about how all this works
Hope you enjoy
Ok. First of all I must say it really drew me in! I think it is well written so far but I must say ;
(Just think of a transmutation circle from Fullmetal Alchemist for a mental picture)
Not all of us have watched that skipper. For the love of Celestia don't put bracket narrations in a story, it breaks the flow so badly it makes me sigh and shake my head.
Grammar errors. Quotation marks, a couple of commas, and other sentences that did not seem to fit. Well the idea is good, though. It would have been even more sad if it was
. Because we love her and she is innocent. Actually, scratch that. Don't do it.
Well apparently she didn't just end up in a hater's hands... but also in the hands of a damn PSYCHOPATH! I'd think any rational human being would be curious, if not somewhat frightened, by a small talking, blue, pegasus, even if it did represent something he despised.
Grammar appears to be okay, I'm not the guy to ask about that though. However, one thing majorly stands out.
"(Just think of a transmutation circle from Fullmetal Alchemist for a mental picture)". That.
Never describe something like this. You have to describe what it looks like. I know what it looks like because I have read that manga, but others haven't and will have no clue what that is. They also don't want to have to Google an image of it to find out what it looks like, I certainly wouldn't want to.
So far the story is interesting, but it could be longer if you ask me.
Plagued with grammatical errors, but that's the least of my concern with this story.
The moment I saw "you" in the story and made a "troll face" reference I couldn't go any further. It's a very bad way to foreshadow the story.
Also another thing I noticed was some paragraphs you indent while others you do not. You're supposed to indent every new paragraph with only a few circumstances that would say otherwise.
Now onto the concept:
A spell of Twilight's went wrong? Not very original, and it's been done so many times that it's almost unbelievable at this point. It also doesn't create for a solid reason for the amount of suffering and torture you plan on your protagonist. Really at this point all I'm seeing this story amount to is just shamefully torturing the main character to attract attention through shock value. Even non-bronies wouldn't go so far as to torture a living creature for months on end and then kill it just to make a point (a silent one at that) to bronies. I'll give it that it was an "original" idea, as far as ponies in the human world go but really I don't see how one could execute this and it not be just smut for the sake of smut.
NOOOOOOOO **** wheres my Remington 700 i need to go hunting for a sum*****. Better yet I'll write a fanfic about my charecter killing the hater! Lol jk, it's nice, sad, especialy more so since RD is my favorite pony. Idk, if i get alot of people telling me to, and with authors permission I can have my Tier 1 operator go hunting. Probubly not tho, i don't like interfearing with others stories
THe idea is genious. I only wish I would have thought of it myself. It is a clever twist of what could happen. But I do have to side with the others. You kinna kiaboshed the grammer.
I thought it was pretty good! I liked it, kept me entertained and that is all that really matters with fan fictions, so kudos to you! I cant wait for chapter two!
Woot comments
I thank you all for your feedback
490300 I will make a note to not do that again
490319 I kinda figured it needed to be longer I just wanted to get it out there ASAP so I can see if I'm worthy of the gods of this site ;P
490323 sorry bout that :) I'll make sure to take all that into consideration next time i attempt to write
49034 thank you
again ill make sure to watch the grammar :)
Thank you all so much for your feed back :D I will be sure to watch for all the things mention by you all :D
490399 well aren't you the nicest thing
Your welcome for the advice.
490399
Don't sacrifice quality for speed. If it takes weeks to make a really good chapter then so be it.
[img] http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lltzgnHi5F1qzib3wo1_400.jpg[/img]
Well, honestly, the story concept itself was pretty good. But if you ask me, you should seriously consider having someone look over the grammatical errors/with slight editing. I'm offering to do that for you, by the way. Send me a pm if you're interested.
490445 YAY!
that's also one of the reasons i wanted to post asap so that I could find editors :D i don't have a lot of Brony friends so i didn't have anyone to check it for me :( I honestly was thinking that it needed to be edited before I submitted it but when i read it it seemed fine xP (typical author xD) so i thought if I were to submit it then someone more professional or experienced than me would offer a hand :D and you I thank for your kindness :D
490464
You're welcome. I'll take a look at it tomorrow, and I'll pm you the finished result.
I was thinking of doing this but with a HiE. Congrats! I shall read this.
490646 i understand ^-^ thank you for your comment :D
First, Yay pinkie is coming :D confound Pinky she drives me to distrust physics xD
Second, I will make sure not to describe in short, choppy sentences again
Third, I will take my time :D i shall write zee best story Eva
thank you for your time and i shall take all that into account when i write the next part
I'm favoriting this only because I am curious to see where this goes.
I give you bargain. I thumb and fav. You kill her, I dislike and remove thumb. We have deal now.
490836
Yay I like deals
i0.kym-cdn.com/profiles/icons/big/000/036/674/me-gusta.png
Me bargainsta
I don't wanna read it! I don't wanna cry! But yet... I am so intrigued... Hmmm. I had noticed that the ponies typically end up with bronies, I've got a one shot in the works where one meets just a regular human, but not a hater. I will get to this later, when I have time to be sad with no interruptions.
HOLY HOT DAMN SON This looks like a really good story. YOU BETTER NOD STOP WRITING.
This would have been MUCH sadder if she was used for the salt mines instead.
I just posted the edited version of the story
Thanks again to my editor: I Brained My Damage for all your work :D
491203 dont worry i wont stop :P
I will begin writing the next chapter after i get to school in a little over an hour from now :D I'll take into consideration all the things mentioned above (grammar, length, etc) while i'm writing my masterpiece
Grate concept, the medias res beginning drew me in and now I'm curious as to what this "Hater" puts poor dash through. I wish the first chapter could have been longer thought, just enough for her to meet this hater and set things into motions but, I'll just have to wait and see. Hope to see an update soon.
I already wanna take cupcakes three steps further with this prick and he hasn't even been introduced yet. Here's hoping it ends up alright for Dashie. Somehow...
And the hater dies in agony, watching in terror as his flesh melts off his bones... I'll stop now.
Hello everypony :D cutie pi here with an update
I honestly did not think that i would even get 20 views let alone 241 views and 28 favs
So i thought as a kind gesture i would update yall :D
I am about 35% through the second chapter. I will be spending quite a bit of time longer than my previous chapter (which only took about 4 hours xP). I will be submitting my next chapter for editing Thursday at the latest. I will be making it about 2-3 times longer for the people that asked for it to be longer, I am watching my grammar and, i believe, that I have improved significantly since the first chapter, but ill let my editor determine that
I will also be introducing a small background of our newest psychopath, (pause for dramatic affect) Mark!! 
490300 Also, NO BRACKET NARRATIONS! YAY!
your welcome
490323 I am not going to be making any troll face references just for you xP
490646 I will work hard and long on it just for you too :D
I am having a rediculous amount of fun writing this, and I hope everypony enjoys the second chapter
Curiosity. I has it. Many grammar errors, but I think you can fix them yourself if you read over it a couple times.
494320
"I will be making it about 2-3 times longer for the people that asked for it to be longer, I am watching my grammar and, i believe, that I have improved significantly since the first chapter, but ill let my editor determine that."
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/i-see-what-you-did-there.png
499971 I haven't loled this hard in so long
4.bp.blogspot.com/-lMt0rwAKRXM/TvkRslBzjKI/AAAAAAAABos/ANKBTdPBpmQ/s1600/lol+lololol+meme+gif.gif
WHOOHOOO!!!!! JUST SUBMITTED THE SECOND CHAPTER FOR EDITING!!!
it will be up as soon as my wonderful editor: I Brained My Damage, is done with it
I made it super descriptive and 2.61 times longer xP
This is what I was listening to while reading
http://youtu.be/NSHIvUZG6e4
Now I don't know if its any similar to this but, meh I love this now! GREAT CHAPTER MAN!