Is this how it all ends? How will Rainbow Dash survive when at the mercy of the worst thing to come into contact with, A Hater.
After I’ve read a bit of fan fiction, I have noticed something. In all the fimfictions, where a pony is sent to earth, they always just so happen to land in the loving grasp of a Brony. But what if this pony wasn’t as lucky? What if they are instead retrieved by a hater? How will the power of friendship save her this time? Will she eventually be saved and brought back to Equestria, or does this one hater have other plans
Chapters (3)
I will be adding more stuff later (tags, characters, etc.) When I learn more about how all this works
Hope you enjoy
Ok. First of all I must say it really drew me in! I think it is well written so far but I must say ;
(Just think of a transmutation circle from Fullmetal Alchemist for a mental picture)
Not all of us have watched that skipper. For the love of Celestia don't put bracket narrations in a story, it breaks the flow so badly it makes me sigh and shake my head.
Grammar errors. Quotation marks, a couple of commas, and other sentences that did not seem to fit. Well the idea is good, though. It would have been even more sad if it was
. Because we love her and she is innocent. Actually, scratch that. Don't do it.
Well apparently she didn't just end up in a hater's hands... but also in the hands of a damn PSYCHOPATH! I'd think any rational human being would be curious, if not somewhat frightened, by a small talking, blue, pegasus, even if it did represent something he despised.
Grammar appears to be okay, I'm not the guy to ask about that though. However, one thing majorly stands out.
"(Just think of a transmutation circle from Fullmetal Alchemist for a mental picture)". That.
Never describe something like this. You have to describe what it looks like. I know what it looks like because I have read that manga, but others haven't and will have no clue what that is. They also don't want to have to Google an image of it to find out what it looks like, I certainly wouldn't want to.
So far the story is interesting, but it could be longer if you ask me.
Plagued with grammatical errors, but that's the least of my concern with this story.
The moment I saw "you" in the story and made a "troll face" reference I couldn't go any further. It's a very bad way to foreshadow the story.
Also another thing I noticed was some paragraphs you indent while others you do not. You're supposed to indent every new paragraph with only a few circumstances that would say otherwise.
Now onto the concept:
A spell of Twilight's went wrong? Not very original, and it's been done so many times that it's almost unbelievable at this point. It also doesn't create for a solid reason for the amount of suffering and torture you plan on your protagonist. Really at this point all I'm seeing this story amount to is just shamefully torturing the main character to attract attention through shock value. Even non-bronies wouldn't go so far as to torture a living creature for months on end and then kill it just to make a point (a silent one at that) to bronies. I'll give it that it was an "original" idea, as far as ponies in the human world go but really I don't see how one could execute this and it not be just smut for the sake of smut.
NOOOOOOOO **** wheres my Remington 700 i need to go hunting for a sum*****. Better yet I'll write a fanfic about my charecter killing the hater! Lol jk, it's nice, sad, especialy more so since RD is my favorite pony. Idk, if i get alot of people telling me to, and with authors permission I can have my Tier 1 operator go hunting. Probubly not tho, i don't like interfearing with others stories
THe idea is genious. I only wish I would have thought of it myself. It is a clever twist of what could happen. But I do have to side with the others. You kinna kiaboshed the grammer.
I thought it was pretty good! I liked it, kept me entertained and that is all that really matters with fan fictions, so kudos to you! I cant wait for chapter two!
Woot comments
I thank you all for your feedback
490300 I will make a note to not do that again
490319 I kinda figured it needed to be longer I just wanted to get it out there ASAP so I can see if I'm worthy of the gods of this site ;P
490323 sorry bout that :) I'll make sure to take all that into consideration next time i attempt to write
49034 thank you
again ill make sure to watch the grammar :)
Thank you all so much for your feed back :D I will be sure to watch for all the things mention by you all :D
490399 well aren't you the nicest thing
Your welcome for the advice.
490399
Don't sacrifice quality for speed. If it takes weeks to make a really good chapter then so be it.
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Well, honestly, the story concept itself was pretty good. But if you ask me, you should seriously consider having someone look over the grammatical errors/with slight editing. I'm offering to do that for you, by the way. Send me a pm if you're interested.
490445 YAY!
that's also one of the reasons i wanted to post asap so that I could find editors :D i don't have a lot of Brony friends so i didn't have anyone to check it for me :( I honestly was thinking that it needed to be edited before I submitted it but when i read it it seemed fine xP (typical author xD) so i thought if I were to submit it then someone more professional or experienced than me would offer a hand :D and you I thank for your kindness :D
490464
You're welcome. I'll take a look at it tomorrow, and I'll pm you the finished result.
I was thinking of doing this but with a HiE. Congrats! I shall read this.
490646 i understand ^-^ thank you for your comment :D
First, Yay pinkie is coming :D confound Pinky she drives me to distrust physics xD
Second, I will make sure not to describe in short, choppy sentences again
Third, I will take my time :D i shall write zee best story Eva
thank you for your time and i shall take all that into account when i write the next part
I'm favoriting this only because I am curious to see where this goes.
I give you bargain. I thumb and fav. You kill her, I dislike and remove thumb. We have deal now.
490836
Yay I like deals
i0.kym-cdn.com/profiles/icons/big/000/036/674/me-gusta.png
Me bargainsta
I don't wanna read it! I don't wanna cry! But yet... I am so intrigued... Hmmm. I had noticed that the ponies typically end up with bronies, I've got a one shot in the works where one meets just a regular human, but not a hater. I will get to this later, when I have time to be sad with no interruptions.
HOLY HOT DAMN SON This looks like a really good story. YOU BETTER NOD STOP WRITING.
This would have been MUCH sadder if she was used for the salt mines instead.
I just posted the edited version of the story
Thanks again to my editor: I Brained My Damage for all your work :D
491203 dont worry i wont stop :P
I will begin writing the next chapter after i get to school in a little over an hour from now :D I'll take into consideration all the things mentioned above (grammar, length, etc) while i'm writing my masterpiece
Grate concept, the medias res beginning drew me in and now I'm curious as to what this "Hater" puts poor dash through. I wish the first chapter could have been longer thought, just enough for her to meet this hater and set things into motions but, I'll just have to wait and see. Hope to see an update soon.
I already wanna take cupcakes three steps further with this prick and he hasn't even been introduced yet. Here's hoping it ends up alright for Dashie. Somehow...
And the hater dies in agony, watching in terror as his flesh melts off his bones... I'll stop now.
Hello everypony :D cutie pi here with an update
I honestly did not think that i would even get 20 views let alone 241 views and 28 favs
So i thought as a kind gesture i would update yall :D
I am about 35% through the second chapter. I will be spending quite a bit of time longer than my previous chapter (which only took about 4 hours xP). I will be submitting my next chapter for editing Thursday at the latest. I will be making it about 2-3 times longer for the people that asked for it to be longer, I am watching my grammar and, i believe, that I have improved significantly since the first chapter, but ill let my editor determine that
I will also be introducing a small background of our newest psychopath, (pause for dramatic affect) Mark!! 
490300 Also, NO BRACKET NARRATIONS! YAY!
your welcome
490323 I am not going to be making any troll face references just for you xP
490646 I will work hard and long on it just for you too :D
I am having a rediculous amount of fun writing this, and I hope everypony enjoys the second chapter
Curiosity. I has it. Many grammar errors, but I think you can fix them yourself if you read over it a couple times.
494320
"I will be making it about 2-3 times longer for the people that asked for it to be longer, I am watching my grammar and, i believe, that I have improved significantly since the first chapter, but ill let my editor determine that."
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/i-see-what-you-did-there.png
499971 I haven't loled this hard in so long
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WHOOHOOO!!!!! JUST SUBMITTED THE SECOND CHAPTER FOR EDITING!!!
it will be up as soon as my wonderful editor: I Brained My Damage, is done with it
I made it super descriptive and 2.61 times longer xP
I hope you enjoy the chapter! I would like to help my editor: I Brained My Damage; for his help on this whole endeavor
either way it still helps alot!
I also would like to thank all the people that have taken the time to read my story and leave feedback whether it be good or bad!
Wow. What a dick. Going Cupcakes on him would be a mercy to humanity as a whole.
You should make your scene/perspective changes more noticable. I found myself reading past them and getting confused because I didn't realise you announced a change.
Just bold the text, add a few more breaks or use a horizontal line (<hr>).
Torture? Kill RD? "Dark" tag pl0x
PD.: Great Fic.
Good chapter, now comes the fun part, seeing how this guy interacts with Rainbow Dash. Can't wait for the update.
Hello everypony! well I would like to tell everypony that the next chapter might be delayed a few days, because my parents are taking us to six flags this weekend. I will be taking my laptop to the cabin but i won't be able to constantly write it. I will be keeping my notebook and my mechanical pencil with me so i can continue writing but obviously this will make it take longer. Especially since I'm going to have to retype what i write down.
I Hope you all enjoyed the second chapter, and i will probably finish the next chapter by wednsday at the latest or thursday if my parents have anything else planned that i have yet to learn about.
That is all :P
Not sure if gusta. We shall see
509415 I said a mercy, not a favour.
509415 fixed the casted for cast thing for ya
And yes I'm trying to get the readers to feel the confusion (rolling with it
)
And thank you everypony for your feedback! It does wonders on my self-confidence for writing this knowing that yall like it
I also love the corrections because I feel I improve in the field of writing knowing mistakes I've made so i can try harder to not make them in the future
I still think I should have my special forces operator take care of this guy...
Okay everypony, I'm back
First: My trip to DC and Six Flags was so fun
we went and saw ALL the museums and a ton of monuments
Second: I was not able to take my laptop with me on the trip (Parents orders) so i was not able to write as much as I wanted, but I've been writing the last few hours and I'm about 30% through the 3rd chapter.
Now, on to the reason I needed to post this comment. GREETINGS EVERYPONY!!! I have an amazing idea that I believe would make a lot of my readers happier with my writings. SUGGESTIONS!! thats right, you could help me by coming up with ideas for what should happen in the story! This way were both happy; I get to write about my favorite subject and you get to have your cravings for what happens in the story become a reality (and this way i don't write something that nopony likes and i lose likes, favorites, and internets)
But this is just an idea. if you dont like the idea than just say so
I'M NOT AFRAID!! 
COME AT ME WITH ALL YOU HAVE!!
If somepony posts an idea and i think its a good idea i will post a comment and ask everypony else if they like it too (That way i make EVERYPONY happy 
)
Oh and one more side note... what should i do about twilight losing her memory? should she just gain it back after the few hours? go through a long rehabilitation? or should celestia do some of her magics on her and fix it? or as an ORIGINAL idea, how about celestia doing the memory spell and FAILING!! HOLY CRAP! Thus messing twilight up even more! I'm just not sure what to do about her xP
Anywho, This has been an update by your sucky fanfiction writer,
Cutie Pi
Ah, suggestions. The best thing a writer can do for his fans far as I'm concerned. (What the hell d'ya mean sucky? You obviously haven't read whatever this is. Seriously, what is it?)
Heh. Only suggestion I have that ain't gonna change is "Let Dashie live." View him as a particularly evil brand of complete monster, intentionally missing just to mock her and giving enough time to be saved/teleported back to Equestria (Alright. It's slightly cliche' but I personally don't like the idea of killing off the M6.)
Don't care how she's saved... if she's saved, but personally think it'd be satisfying to see his bronie victims deliver revenge on the bastard. Yeah, no matter how patient one is, push 'em too far and it'll eventually turn into this. At the same time, it'd show her he's a particularly shitty excuse for a human and give her a reason to trust our species.
As for Twilight... hmm. I like the idea of Celes screwing up the memory spell, having to re-forge her friendships. Perhaps she could be told about Dashie, leading to one of two possibilities;
1: She thinks she sounds like a good friend and does everything she can to get her back home,
2: She's disgusted at her friend's description, wonders why she ever had a friend she deems to be "arrogant" and decides it's better Dashie's gone, leading the others and Celes to either try getting her back by themselves or try changing Twilight's opinion(Nearly impossible, but not completely).
Regardless, they're just simple ideas. Your fic, your decision and I'll be following it anyway. Not sure why I wasn't already...
Just submitted the 3rd chapter for editing! Sorry it took so long! A lot has been going on and I was not able to write as much as I liked. I will post it as soon as I Brained My Damage is done with it
LE GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP
must
know
what
happens next
keep it up good sir, keep it up
Because teenagers bring chloroform to school every day. Seems sooo legit.
545556 All will be revealed my fine feathered friend
Would've thought I'd realise earlier, but after reading this I re-read the first chapter and saw Mark was never mentioned
. Oops.
Suspicions now fall on his anti-brony freak friends. DJ didn't exactly leave a good impression... just guessing, got no clue what's gonna happen.
545556
Wait, you don't?
GOTTA KNOW MOAR AAGGH!
546419 Should I?