I Attack You!
To Princess Celestia,
This is a formal declaration of war from King Hanat of the Third Diamond Dog Kingdom on the thirtieth of September, 1195. We cannot take the abuses that your nation shoves upon us any further, and as such, we are shall henceforth be at war until you surrender Canterlot and yourself to our terms. Should you resist, my army of 100,000 dogs will lay waste to your nation, and the precious utopia you have built will be reduced to cinders. You have one week to respond to this declaration, at which point we shall send our terms of surrender. Please do not force us to shed innocent blood, but we shall do so if necessary.
King Hanat of the Third Diamond Dog Kingdom.
My Dearest King Hanat,
It is so nice to hear from you again! I regret that we have not kept up our previous correspondence. Is that the reason for your anger towards me? If so I formally apologize. It is most unfortunate that the first letter sent between us in these many months was a formal declaration of war. I will, of course, do everything that I can to prevent the shedding of innocent blood. If I had to guess, your terms involve us returning the lands you surrendered to us during our last war; the one triggered by your invading Manehattan after you perceived us weakened after our civil war? I hope not, because your king at the time said that no descendant of his, of which you are one, would try to take that back. It would be unfortunate of you to retroactively make a liar out of him. Or maybe you wish to take Manehattan itself to finish what he started? Well, that would be an unfortunate turn of events as well. I have no doubt that your 100,000 dog army could do it.
But enough about the silly war. How are you? I can say that we are doing well. We have made many advances since we spoke last, especially in the area of science. Did you hear about how one of our chemists created this powder that he used to fill metal jars, which he then put a fuse in? Upon lighting the fuse, the pony holding it throws the jar and the jar explodes once the fuse hits the powder, creating a massive explosion and sending pieces of the jar flying everywhere! I'd share the recipe with you in the interest of scientific brotherhood and the advancement of knowledge on all sides, but the Element of Laughter assures me that some recipes are best kept secret.
Hoping you have a wonderful day,
Celestia.
Celestia,
Do you think that you can threaten me with this new weapon of yours?! We do not fear whatever you throw at us! Our weapons are the most advanced in the world, and our shields will block these explosive devices. I doubt that you can mass-produce them in time to make them a viable asset. I see this as the highest insult!
However, you have acknowledged our declaration, so I suppose that I should get around to stating our demands. Yes, we do want the Western March back. I do not dishonor my ancestor by making him a liar, but he did not foresee changing times. We need that territory back. If you give it back, we have no reason to move into Manehattan. Second, we wish for a tribute of one hundred carts, all filled to the brim with precious gemstones, and another hundred filled with bits. Third, I wish for you to sign a treaty to join me in battle when I take the other two Diamond Dog kingdoms to unify my people. Fourth, you will acknowledge my sovereignty in the east! Fifth, we wish for unrestricted and untaxed access to all of your warm water ports.
If these demands are not met, I can always add on more, and we will certainly go to war. If we do go to war, I will see you in chains bowing before me.
King Hanat of the Third Diamond Dog Kingdom.
My Dearest King Hanat.
A threat? Oh my goodness, I did not intend to pass that new invention off as a threat. No, no, we're using it for mining.Very different. I'm so sorry you interpreted it that way. Though about the expense and production speed of the new mining tools, I will say that the ingredients to make them are very cheap, so we could have tens of thousands ready within days if we found a new mine we wanted to go after.
But I suppose you don't want small talk. Your demands. Let's see. I'm afraid I must think on them for a little while longer. Unfortunately, your declaration of war could not have come at a worse time. We're going through a bit of a drought right now, and our food production has dropped drastically. In fact, I need to talk to you about that. With our food production as low as it is, I'm afraid that we won't be able to export the massive amounts of wheat, rye, and corn that we normally do to your nation. We need them for ourselves. While I understand this might be a bit of a burden for your subjects, particularly in this time of war, there is nothing to be done for it. I am terribly sorry about this, because I know that you cannot really grow these crops in your harsh environment. You'll think of something, though. I'm sure that the First Kingdom, whom can grow good crops, I hear, will be willing to export food to you. Or they might have been. Unfortunately, and this is a total mistake on my part that I stay up at night weeping over, a delegate from the First Kingdom was in a meeting with me, and I accidentally put your last letter in a stack of diplomatic papers I gave him. As a result, he saw all of your demands. Particularly the one about me helping you go to war with them. Not possessing perfect foresight I cannot say for certain, but expect a message from them asking about the contents of the last letter.
Hoping everything turns out well with the First Kingdom,
Celestia.
Celestia,
You cannot play dumb with me! You deliberately gave that letter to the delegate! You do not make mistakes of that nature! You're only making this worse for yourself with this insolence! And do you really think that I did not foresee your cutting off our supplies? I began trading with the griffins for an equal amount, so do not worry about me feeding my subjects. You trade embargo will have no effect on us.
Your insolence will not stand, Celestia. This war is coming, and it is coming very soon! I know that you are a peaceful nation, so you do not possess an army nearly as powerful as mine. Your royal guard fell quite quickly to Chrysalis and her changeling invasion force. You have strengthened it some since then, but not nearly enough to repel an force of my size.
Do not toy with me, Celestia,
King Hanat of the Third Diamond Dog Kingdom.
My dearest King Hanat,
You cannot imagine how happy I am to hear that your subjects will be fed, despite my nation not being able to export to yours. Though, I hope the plan is a permanent one. I'd hate it if the griffins found a nation who could reimburse them more if they switched. A nation like ours, for example.
Strictly an example, mind you.
But I admit that you are right about the army sizes. You have me on the ropes right now. With our nation's current food shortage, we haven't been getting enough to eat, much less feed an entire army. I myself am not eating as much as I normally do, which makes me a little weaker. Why, just yesterday I faltered for a slight moment when raising the sun. Such a thing has never occurred before! It slipped out of my grasp for just a moment and paused in the sky a few meters closer to the planet before I was able to move it again. I am completely embarrassed. I'd hate it if I did it again and found myself unable to get the sun back under my control.
On another note, I heard that you had a momentary heat wave yesterday in your capital. For a single minute, temperatures rose to as high as 120 degrees! I do hope such a thing won't happen again. Your starving subjects might start getting very upset, and if you've lived as long as I have, you learn that having starving, unhappy subjects tends to lead to social unrest, and social unrest leads to... well, I am certain you can fill in the rest.
Hoping that your potentially sunburnt and starving subjects don't revolt,
Celestia.
Celestia,
I have had just about enough of your threats! The Third Kingdom will invade very soon if you do not meet our demands. I have been patient with you long enough. You wouldn't dare drop the sun on our nation and incinerate millions of civilians! We will burn your fields, and then this famine of yours will be even more severe! My army will roll through yours in short order! There is nothing you can do to stop it other than meeting my demands!
Also, I have not heard from the First Kingdom yet, so I have my doubts that you even gave them the letter, showing me that you are aware that we would invade instantly if you made such a mistake. Give us what we want by the end of the week or you will regret it!
King Hanat of the Third Diamond Dog Kingdom.
My dearest King Hanat,
Threats? Oh, I apologize if anything I wrote came across as a threat. I have not intended to threaten you yet! Merely provide information on the well being of my country, give advice about yours, and talk a little international politics that affects both of us. But threats? Oh goodness, never. And feel free to ignore any advice this little old mare gives you. Sometimes I don't know what I'm talking about, especially with how stressed I am about the impending war with you these days.
I actually had some interesting conversations with my good friend Discord yesterday. I asked him how things were going in Ponyville, where he spends much of his time with the Element of Kindness. They have become so close, and he's very protective of her. He'd do anything to preserve her from harm. He'd produce food, turn timberwolves into firewood, or fight off invasion forces for her. Isn't it sweet? And to think he used to fancy himself a villain, but I know that all beings can be good.
I do not know if you have met Discord, but he is quite the prankster, even since his reformation. He provoked one of my more irritable guards the other day, and the guard actually stabbed him right through with his spear! It didn't do anything, of course, and Discord turned the guard's spear, and armor, into applesauce. I must admit, it was quite tasty applesauce, too. Don't tell Luna that I ate any as these are hard times, but I couldn't help indulging. Honestly, though, turning weapons and armor into applesauce, being stabbed right through, and surviving with nary a scratch? What will he do to surprise me next? I thought I had seen everything. It just goes to show you that even this old mare can learn things.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised in the end, however. He can move the sun and the moon without any effort, and he did manage to turn the entire world into his chaos kingdom within about an hour the first time he took over. I'm glad he's reformed now, though! He does so love Fluttershy, and would do anything to protect her. If anything actually happened to her... I shudder to think.
Hoping that Discord doesn't get overly paranoid in keeping Fluttershy safe,
Celestia.
Celestia,
This has gone on long enough. You will meet our demands tomorrow! I don't care for your tomfoolery. My patience is at an end.
King Hanat of the Third Diamond Dog Kingdom.
My dearest King Hanat,
I'm so sorry that I did not respond yesterday, but I was in a meeting all day with five 50 ton bull dragons who came to offer their aid to Equestria however they could. I think this might be the breakthrough that we have been waiting for. The dragons have always been friendly to Equestria, and so to hear that they are on our side through this terrible time is comforting to me and my subjects.
I do wish you had been there, actually. I think you would have been most entertained. Rather than us putting on a little show for the amusement of our guests, they put one on for us. The largest of the bull dragons brought a half ton of steel, and with a single burst of flame, he melted it into almost nothing! I considered myself impressed, even with all of the things I have seen in my life.
Unfortunately the looming war with you did come up. I did not intend that, but once again, I mistakenly left one of your letters out when meeting with them, I walked right out with it in my magical aura, maybe I'm getting forgetful in my age, and they noticed it and asked what it was. I, of course, had to tell them, and they extended their promise of help to any hostilities we may have. I do hope it does not come to that.
On a separate note, I heard through the grape vine that you are having some trouble with the First Kingdom. The Second Kingdom might be a little miffed at you as well, if rumor is to be believed. Which it often is not. I hope it is nothing serious.
Hoping that you are not in too much trouble with the other two (larger) kingdoms,
Celestia.
My dearest King Hanat,
I have not heard from you in several weeks. Is all well with you? I am glad that things were resolved relatively peacefully with the First and Second Kingdoms, but I'm sure you must be disappointed with the loss of almost a fifth of your country. I know I would be upset if someone else came to me and demanded my territory because he thought he was stronger.
So, does this mean that the war is off, then? I hope so. It means that this whole matter ended without bloodshed. Do you not want the tributes either? I have been taking your silence to mean that you do not.
My country has been doing a lot better, thank you for theoretically asking. It turns out we were never really in a famine anyway. It was merely some accounting errors. We are stronger than ever. I hope that we can begin negotiations for us exporting to your country again. It would do my heart good to hear that your food lines are vanishing and your subjects are eating well again. Should you desire to talk, you know where I am.
If you ever threaten my country again, I will personally snap you in half,
Celestia.
Stats
Page generated in 0.02 seconds
Total duration
968 users online
1,046,971 hits today, 1,247,516 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2025
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2025 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Win
SLAY MY BEAUTIFUL SASSY QUEEN!!!!
Pretty good overall. At some point it was like the both of them were exchanging friendly pleasantries camouflaged as war threats, Celly seemed to have fun with it.
Or at least, i picture her with a creepy smile the whole time.
Oh, and that last line.
i5.photobucket.com/albums/y152/mellod1/StandingO.gif
Perfect delivery.
Ahh, to hell with it, fifth!
I can't help but think that this was exactly what was in Aepnet's head in the latest chapter of princess Antares
Didn't someone already do something really similar to this?
Either way I still liked it. Hanat was suitably annoying and Celestia reacted with exactly the right amount of smugness given her position in the matter--That is, a lot.
Is it just me, or did Mr. Pancrake's comment where he said "First" get deleted at 9:11?
Good job this dog didnt have any active gem cores. No matter how much you can make go boom, theres Always someone out there with a bigger stick, which is what the poor child fights against, where the smart rich child hires them to do the bodyguard.
Give someone nothing, and they will fight to have everything. Give them Everything, and they will fight to have Nothing.
Celestia tries so much to point such out, then get associates to keep them in line.
Very, very nicely done.
She didnt even have to ask about the Nightmares due to the stress of looming war, starvation, drought and chaos either.
5009478
Yeah, the basic idea has been done before. It was still entertaining though.
I'm truly sorry for the first comment, I was just surprised.
Hmmm... eh. Didn't get much of a chuckle outta me. Maybe because the diamond dog dude was too much of a dumbass, or because Celestia was too stuck up. Although those two qualities could have been increased for comedy's sake I suppose. I'm just not too particular to "WHOO EQUESTRIA RULES" fics such as these since they're the same basic story every time, so it's really nothing against your writing. Anyway, have a good one!
The last line was the best.
\
Simple, but good.
5009478 If someone has, I've never read one. If I had, I probably wouldn't have written this. As it was, it was an idea that wouldn't go away.
5009536 I didn't intend to write Celestia as stuck up, more as patiently and subtly (but at the same time not so subtly) explaining to him why a war would be a bad idea. She was basically making him run out of steam instead of fueling his fire by sending angry threats back. She was helping him come to the realization on his own, which has a far more lasting impact. On that note, though, I don't see this as an "Equestria woo hoo" fic either. Celestia didn't do anything any world leader with a little patience wouldn't have done. She cut off their food supply, gained some allies to strengthen their position, and used some diplomacy to weaken theirs. That's hardly something only a goddess could pull off.
That's how I intended it anyway. Of course Hanat was dumb, but if you're a history major like I am, you'll know that people like him have totally existed in history before. Frequently. The title of the fic is "Warmongering."
But I do also wish that you have a good one, and I'm glad you at least took the time to give it a look.
5009446
What movie did that gif come from?
5009576 Citizen Kane! It's widely considered the greatest film ever made. I personally disagree (Godfather I and II all the way, but Kane is a spectacular and darn near perfect film) but that's what they say.
That last line should have been written as..."If you ever threaten my country again. THEN I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR SOUL AND DEVOUR IT!"
Great, and Awesome, but you missed the chance to use warmongreling.
10/10 Would negotiate again.
5009589
Never seen that movie. Sorry...
5009602
FFFF
I read The Dog King's lines in Temutai's voice [from Kungfu Panda Legends of Awesomeness].
[Skip to 1:09]
5009650
Oh shut up!
5009672
Don't yell at me. I was one of the only people defending you and not calling you a faggot for making a blog that was 95% caps. You also told a mod to kill himself because he asked you to calm down. That ain't cool, kiddo.
Also, this is someone else's story, not yours, so it's rude to shit on it with your sudden eruptions of butthurt. The main joke was that I am annoyed you haven't seen Citizen Kane. It's a good movie and you should watch it if you're not a complete casual.
5009672
5009698 Not here, please. The comments should be about the story, not an unrelated incident.
5009575
Fayernuff. Like I said, it was a good read, and that's what matters.
5009711
Exactly my point.
But still FFFFFFFF people these days have no appreciation of good film and think that Transformers was the height of cinematic achievement because it had lots of CGI in it. Bleh.
5009698
Who and when I actually told a mod to go himself?
5009726 please see -----> 5009711
5009724 Preaching to the choir. I'm a film minor in college whose favorite films are the two Godfathers. But here is not the place for that.
5009698
Would I be able to rent it off of Netflix?
5009733
I guess. Sorry for getting off-topic.
Glad you're still writing.
5009724
Transformers > Citizen Kane
5009726
Am I right, or am I right? Come on.
5009732
Still confused but okay...
5009737
Huh?
5009739 I'm saying that the comments section for my story should be about my story, not completely unrelated incidents. Please keep it that way.
5009737 For goodness sake, dude, I just told them to stop this very thing. The comments section of this story need to be about this story.
5009755
Soary for shitting up the comments section.
Issa nice story, really.
5009753
I'm trying but they keep it going. In fact I wasn't even the one who started it.
5009755
Rules of the internet, dude.
Just sayin'.
5009592
Tact is the word of the day.
It's stuff like this that is why Celestia is my favourite Princess. I just don't think any of the others can quite pull off the subtlety the way she does here. Weirdly enough, I found myself reading Celestia's letters in GLaDOS' voice.
5009478 Yeah, I feel like I read something similar to this, only it was Twilight responding to a declaration of war from the Griffon King, but I think I liked this one better. Like I said above, I think Celestia is way better at the subtle politics.
This is why Equestria never goes to war. They're far too good at it.
5009796 Or they could be awful at it. Celestia's just too good at avoiding it completely.
5009800
Fair point.
It's doubly hilarious trying to read the Diamond Dog King's letters in the screechy, Gollum-like voice they had in the shows.
Good show! Jolly good show!
I have seen a fic much like this before, but I think this one is done better. The other one involved Twilight and the Griffins instead of Celestia and the Diamond Dogs.
So, Equestria is a bit like Ankh-Morpork when it comes to war. It doesn't win in the actual conflict, but by completely shutting down any attempts to even start one.
The difference is that Equestria basically uses its wealth to buy out the opposition's allies, while Ankh-Morpork uses the fact that every other country relies on it being the mercantile capital of the world. Someone attacks Ankh-Morpork, every other country rushes to the defense of the trade routes.
This...was absolutely magnificent. I couldn't help but read it with Celestia's voice in my head!
A friend of mine also pointed out that if you swapped Palutena from Kid Icarus: Uprising with Celestia, there would probably be almost NO difference between them. I am inclined to believe him!