CHAPTER 1
First day of school
"C'mon, we've only got 5 weeks till the concert we've got to be just perfect!" Exclaimed Rainbow Dash, as she set her guitar down to grab a drink
"Dash, we've been practicing all morning, and that's nearly four hours don't ya' think it's time for a break?" Asked AJ, Sitting in a chair taking a break from all the constant practicing
"Yeah I guess you're right. Come on it's time for lunch anyways"
*Knock,Knock*
"It's open dear," said Rarity
"Hello, is Ms. Shimmer in here?" Asked Principal Celestia as she opened the door.
"Y-yes Principal Celestia. I'm here," I said wearily, not knowing if I was in trouble or not.
"I need to talk to you... The rest of you as well," Said Principal Celestia with a stern voice
"OK," we all said in unison
One by one she took us out of the room and talked to us for what seemed like an hour ( but was closer to twenty minutes), Starting with Myself. We just became really good friends and I'd really changed, so I'd of hated to hear that I had to go. When I came back the rest of them waited their turn as they all went out and talked to her. We all had come back a bit flustered "A new student...... You don't think it could be her do you?" It was then I realized that I was only making the situation worse.
"I believe it is going to be four new students dear; one this week and three more next week. Now considering that the week is Just about done I should assume thaty the new student should be here either today or tomorrow," said Rarity attempting to make sense of whjat was happening.
"Awe, shucks that's a whole whack now ain't it?" said AJ, still confused about the whole situation
Another knock at the door and we started to worry that the new student was here and had heard us talking about them, "C-come in...?" said Fluttershy and in came none other than Vinyl Scratch the schools resident DJ. We all breathed a sigh of relief when she came in and started looking around.
"Hey Vinyl are you missing something?" asked Rainbow Dash
"Huh.. oh yeah I think I left my headphones in here yesterday."
"Oh I think I saw them over by the DJ set."
"Why didn't I think of that?" said Vinyl, Pinkie Pie's mouth being held shut before she could answer
Vinyl grabbed her headphones and headed towards the door but was blocked by Marcus and his lackeys. they were the biggest bullies in the school. Marcus was part of a wealthy family so even if the principal had tried to stop him she'd have been removed without question. They hated the weak and they would always pick on people who were different like Vinyl. She was just as scared as the rest of us and ran to hide behind the drum set on the other side of the room but that didn't stop them.
"Hey freak those are some nice headphones. You should let me have them," said Marcus
"No they're mine!" exclaimed Vinyl in a voice that sounded as if she were about to cry
"[sigh] then I guess I'll have to beat them out of you," he said as he started to kick her in the side
"L-Leave her alone!" said Fluttershy as she attempted to yell at them
"You say something pinky!!" said Marcus glaring in our general direction
We held Fluttershy's mouth closed and shook our heads in fear, knowing that if any of us spoke up we'd get the same treatment as Vinyl. So to spare ourselves pain, and to reduce the pain Vinyl had to go through we sat in one corner of the room and watched in horror as Marcus continued to kicke Vinyl in the side. She took every kick with determination to keep what was hers, then just as she was about to give in to Marcus' demands a figure passed the open door then came back and yelled at Marcus.
"Hey jackass!! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?" came an unfamiliar voice from an also unfamiliar person
"And just who the hell do you think you are punk?"
"I'm someone who hates people like you who prey on those unable to fight back, so why dont you show how strong you really are and take me on?" said the boy as he stood in the doorway
"I just want her headphones so lay off"
"So why don't you go and buy some yourself. You look like you've got enough money.......So for god's sake leave her alone!! Or is it that your father cut off your allowance?"
"What do you care?!?!!" Said marcus stomping the ground right near Vinyl's head
"Oh-ho-ho seems like I struck a tender nerve there... Now leave her alone"
"Make me."
"If you insist?"
The boy simply walked towards them as if trying to intimidate them by not rushing them, but it only made things worse and by worse I of course mean that it pissed off Marcus, Marcus had one of his two lackeys try to punch him but the boy simply dodged the swing, and tripped him all while keeping his hands in his pocket. It was such a fluid motion much like something you'd see from a martial arts master. The second lackey fainted to the floor in absolute fear of this stranger. The rest of us just stood there mouths agape in awe; No one, and I mean No one had ever been able to stand up to Marcus with that much serenity I mean this kid didn't so much as change the expression on his face let alone make it seem like he was angry.
This boy seemed to have been trained in all kinds of martial arts giving him the advantage. Then out of nowhere the boy got right up close and personal with Marcus and grabbed his shirt, kneed him in the gut, and threw him to the floor faster than anything I've ever seen. The boy then quickly walked over to Vinyl and reached out to help her up her it was then we all noticed his hands were bandaged with red spots scattered all over the white fabric, Vinyl flinched in fea causing him to recoil a bit but he continued and gently helped her up and in noticing that she was hurt he pickeed her up in his arms and took her to the infirmary.
Marcus woke up a few minutes later and rushed after him with his lackeys in tow. We followed to make sure that we actually saw what we think we did. They caught him on his way to the cafeteria where he seemed to be going to have his lunch.
"Hey asshole just who do you think I am?"
"Dunno but it seems you think that you're a big shot here."
"Well I guess that makes you new around here. So I'll tell you something, I always get what I want and....... speaking of which that's a pretty nice lunch, I don't have any money for lunch so I think I'll takeyour lunch instead."
"No I don't think you will" the new kid said as he continued walking towards the doors
"I said I'm taking it!" said Marcus as he grabbed the new kids arm making him cringe in pain
"And... I said...Ugh.... NO!!" He yelled as he grabbed Marcus's arm hard enough to make him let go. The new kid seemed to have a strength that could rival or even outshine AJ's and he used that strength to send Marcus flying through the cafeteria doors, knocking one of them off it's hinges.
The new kid rolled up his sleeve and revealed that his bandages go much farther than his arm and that he was bleeding where Marcus had grabbed him just moments before, like some stitches had been broken. He walked towards Marcus who was lying on the ground astonished that he was thrown this far and knelt down to him and said "You don't know anything about me so I'll tell you just one thing.....Leave me alone, because next time I won't be so merciful and you might end up in the hospital or worse." Then he got up and went over to a clear table and sat down. After that the whole lunch room was silent.
Well, all I can say is... keep practicing.
Firstly, who is the "I" in this story? Is it Anvil, or someone else?
Secondly, since I thought this took place in the EQG universe... who the hell is Marcus and why the hell is he trying to beat up Vinyl over a pair of headphones? Who are these lackeys? What the hell are the other girls doing, watching as someone they know is pretty much getting mugged? I don't understand what's going on here.
Also, if this is humanized, why is the cover pic of ponies? As well, why is the cover pic of ponies that already have names and a fan base? The stallion's name is Neon Lights, if you didn't know. Not sure how he came to be, but some people like him and even write stories about him
5122986 well the thing is I thought I'd create a new character based on a bully of my own and make him the most feared in the school. that said any one who got in their way was also beaten because of their standing. Marcus is no one special he is an OC of mine and his lackeys are RD's old bullies from her fillie years the ones who called her rainbow Crash
I want to like this story, I really do... I looked passed the admittedly sub-par grammar and the part with the whole bullying thing, cause they have laws for that now. Laws specifically meant to keep bullies from being above reproach. But I digress.
Here's where ya lost me.
Oh... Where to begin? I guess brutal honesty.
The first part, where the dude is walking, that's been done so many times. Not that I'm saying it can't be done here, it can just be done better. I'd recommend rewriting the scene once you've gained a bit more experience.
Second part, Marcus trying to punch the kid. It comes out of nowhere. From what I've seen, Marcus seems to be your standard 'harass the protagonist' bully. This normally includes petty theft and verbal assaults. Him just punching the dude doesn't seem to fit his profile. That seems like something a lackey would do, and most likely after further verbal conflict.
Third part, the big one... *sigh* That whole back flip thing... We know nothing about the dude at this point, so we don't know if he has martial arts training. If so, who trained him? Bruce Lee? If he doesn't... well, I can tell you right now, no regular high school teen I've met can pull that off. Heck, even the blackbelted liberal kid couldn't do that.
You should note, I don't say these things to be mean. They're simply things that could be... what's the word? Improved. Yes, Improved.
I will give points to that cover art of yours, it's what originally pulled me towards this story. Did you do it yourself?
Anyway, I'll keep on reading and see what else can be improved upon.