Anvil just transferred to C.H.S and is a little hard to be around but after he meets some very interesting girls he starts to open up, only till three new girls arrive and make life there a lot more difficult. Anvil has a secret and he must keep it hidden and these new girls have ways of getting information out of people including their deepest darkest secrets, if his secret is revealed it could cause Mass Chaos. And after meeting Vinyl scratch he reveals his secret to her and the girls find this out and start going after her, If he wants to keep his secret hidden from the public he must keep her safe....... Even if it means risking his own life in the process
Chapters (13)
Well, all I can say is... keep practicing.
Firstly, who is the "I" in this story? Is it Anvil, or someone else?
Secondly, since I thought this took place in the EQG universe... who the hell is Marcus and why the hell is he trying to beat up Vinyl over a pair of headphones? Who are these lackeys? What the hell are the other girls doing, watching as someone they know is pretty much getting mugged? I don't understand what's going on here.
Also, if this is humanized, why is the cover pic of ponies? As well, why is the cover pic of ponies that already have names and a fan base? The stallion's name is Neon Lights, if you didn't know. Not sure how he came to be, but some people like him and even write stories about him
I get that sure and I know that is Neon. But the Idea behind the photo is that it is a romantic story and Anvil is personified by the image of Neon that should clarify things
5122986 well the thing is I thought I'd create a new character based on a bully of my own and make him the most feared in the school. that said any one who got in their way was also beaten because of their standing. Marcus is no one special he is an OC of mine and his lackeys are RD's old bullies from her fillie years the ones who called her rainbow Crash
how come Luna is mentioned at first but the last sentence seems better fit for a dialogue for Vinyl? did I miss something from Rainbow Rocks?
5128325 I see were your coming from but the thing is Luna is not the narrator sunset shimmer is (so to speak) and I get the last line seems fit for vinyl But it is sunset shimmer sorry to cause confusion and no you didn't miss anything in fact i personally have not seen it yet.
Who the heck are 'we' and 'I'(I see from your comment there you say its Luna but that doesn't make much sense, she's Vice-Principal yet, if what I read was right, then she doesn't seem to give a flying fuck about Marcus bullying and she seems to be hanging around the others quite a bit since there's a lot of "we's" and "I's")? Also, it doesn't seem like your describing it enough for the reader to actually get into the scene you talking about before you go to the next scene or continue the scene.
Like here, you don't even mention the fact that he got knocked unconscious, and like I mentioned above the 'we' if that's supposed to be Luna and the EoH then their not very good people if they 1.Didn't do anything about Vinyl getting bullied 2.Didn't do anything about the fact that Vinyl was taken to the infirmary(What kind of school has an infirmary? I thought they had a Nurse's Office). Then you have the 2 goons that didn't seem to do anything either other than just stand there and watch Marcus get shoved into the ground. I find it kind of pointless to mention them if they don't even do anything other than stand there and not even mention them or have them talk.
5216508 good point ill change the narrorators name to sunset Shimmer then things could make a little sense also ill make sure to grab an editor to make some helpful changes to the story
I want to like this story, I really do... I looked passed the admittedly sub-par grammar and the part with the whole bullying thing, cause they have laws for that now. Laws specifically meant to keep bullies from being above reproach. But I digress.
Here's where ya lost me.
Oh... Where to begin? I guess brutal honesty.
The first part, where the dude is walking, that's been done so many times. Not that I'm saying it can't be done here, it can just be done better. I'd recommend rewriting the scene once you've gained a bit more experience.
Second part, Marcus trying to punch the kid. It comes out of nowhere. From what I've seen, Marcus seems to be your standard 'harass the protagonist' bully. This normally includes petty theft and verbal assaults. Him just punching the dude doesn't seem to fit his profile. That seems like something a lackey would do, and most likely after further verbal conflict.
Third part, the big one... *sigh* That whole back flip thing... We know nothing about the dude at this point, so we don't know if he has martial arts training. If so, who trained him? Bruce Lee? If he doesn't... well, I can tell you right now, no regular high school teen I've met can pull that off. Heck, even the blackbelted liberal kid couldn't do that.
You should note, I don't say these things to be mean. They're simply things that could be... what's the word? Improved. Yes, Improved.
I will give points to that cover art of yours, it's what originally pulled me towards this story. Did you do it yourself?
Anyway, I'll keep on reading and see what else can be improved upon.
5139782
Luna is the narrator...?
5346976 okay I guess i should just clarify this now this is a work in progress and the fact is I changed the narrator to Sunset shimmer for purposes I am not willing to share also I will get back to those scenes and see what you mean about "Improving them"
What the point of this story then?
OK W...T...F
I have decided to place a narrative from Anvil's butler at the beginning of chapter 2 this will give the butler a bit of a background before he met him and how he came to be in the service of the young Anvil, after which the story will continue with the original narrator. if you feel like it should be placed elsewhere in the story or not placed at all tell me and I'll see if I can make adjustments, constructive criticism only, no bashing comments,
I decided to add some things to some chapters and take somethings out to give the story a more lengthily progression though I can change it back if it does not work for you give a comment or two and add some things that you think should be added, though again I can't stress this enough No harsh or bashing comments