• Published 18th Oct 2014
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The Pinion - PegasusMesa

Side effects of reading may include smugness, self-importance, a sense of superiority, and diarrhea. Should side effects persist, stop reading The Pinion and see your doctor immediately.

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Apple Farmer Puts Down Sick Cow, Is Arrested For Bovicide

The sun shines and the birds sing, but the normally serene town of Ponyville is anything but calm these days. Patience runs low, tensions run high, and one topic in particular remains on everyone’s mind. That topic? Murder.

Or bovicide, to be more precise. Local apple farmer Applejack, partial owner of the Sweet Apple Acres, has been taken into custody under charges of murdering Isabella, a bovine-Equestrian and resident of Sweet Apple Acres.

Isabella fell ill last Friday, complaining about headaches, stomachaches, and a sense of infirmity. She remained sick throughout the weekend and into Monday, and on each day, she remained in bed inside the barn instead of going out to pasture.

“Isabella was sick all the time,” said her sister, Yvette. “Back when we were calfs, she would always have head colds. Her im-moo-ne system just couldn’t fight it off. Her symptoms last Moo-nday were nothing new. Normally, she would just sleep it off and be fit as a fiddle afterwards so she could moo-ve on with her life. None of us expected this time to be any different.”

In this case, reality did not meet expectations. At 12:15 PM, Applejack went to investigate Isabella’s absence. Witnesses told Pinion correspondents that she entered the barn, then left five minutes later. She promptly returned carrying a long object wrapped in a blanket. Minutes afterward, gunfire was heard. Yvette and a number of other bovine-Equestrians rushed to the barn and found Applejack holding a smoking rifle and standing over Isabella’s body.

“She said Isabella was sick and had to be put down,” Yvette said as she wiped tears from her eyes. “But we all know the truth. This was no mercy killing.”

Said mother of Isabella and Yvette, Esmeralda, “Those Apples have never liked us. They hate the way we look, the way we talk, and even the way we walk. This is clearly moo-rder, and her moo-tive is obvious.”

A Pinion correspondent visited the police station in order to obtain comments from Applejack herself. “I didn’t murder anyone,” she claimed. “Isabella was old and dying. She asked me to do it because of the pain. I didn’t do anything except ease her suffering. These cows are just using this as an excuse to attack me and my family. They’ve always had it out for us, ever since they moved in, and now they’re milking the situation for all it’s worth.”

Princess Twilight Sparkle weighed in on the situation. “If the cow asked Applejack to do it, then I don’t see the problem,” she said. “I think euthanasia is an act of compassion. We should praise Applejack for having the courage to do the right thing, difficult as it may have been.”

Said Applejack in response, “Oh, she asked for it, alright. She was definitely asking for it.”

Correspondents sought further comments from the other members of the Apple family. “Them cows are always mooing at me behind my back,” said Big Macintosh, Applejack’s older brother. “They think I don’t hear them, but I do.”

“The cows come up in conversation a lot around the house,” said Applejack’s younger sister, Apple Bloom. “Some nights at the dinner table, we won’t talk about anything other than how bad the cows’re getting. They’re not very nice. If you say hi to one, it’ll just stare at you like you’re some kind of bug before telling you to ‘moo-ve away’.”

Said Granny Smith, the Apple family matron, “Them damned milkjugs, with their damned mooing, and their damned moo puns. They think they can get away with anything. The problem’s that they aren’t punished for wrongdoing. Why, back in my day, a cow didn’t dare moo sideways at a pony, lest they be brought to account. Now, they can have an innocent mare arrested and put on trial for putting down a sick’un! What’s the world coming to?”

Members of the community came forth in support of Applejack by picketing the cows’ pastures, where both sides could be heard slinging insults and racial slurs at each other. The event remained non-violent, but the tension was thick enough to cut.

“Damned foreigners, taking up Equestrian soil,” said one protester, who elected to remain anonymous. “They come here and take our jobs, our houses, our food. What’s next? Our children? I for one don’t want to to wait to find out. Send the cud-chewers packing, I say!”

“Ponyville’s been a pressure cooker for these two peoples for a while, now,” said Ponyville’s police chief, Bronze Star. “The ponies and the cows are always going at it, with no end in sight. It was only a matter of time before things came to a head.”

Applejack is scheduled to appear before Princess Celestia in court at the end of the month, where her guilt or innocence will be determined. Princess Celestia herself declined to comment.

The bovine-Equestrian residents of Sweet Apple Acres have expressed their concerns regarding the legitimacy of a trial overseen by someone they consider a friend of Applejack’s. “Of course she’ll get off scot-free,” said Yvette. “These ponies stick together through thick and thin. A pony judges another pony, and they think that justice will be served? Don’t make me moo.”

“We certainly will not sit by and accept the verdict if it’s anything but guilty,” said Esmeralda. “They get away with taking our milk and living in a nice house while the rest of us have to stay in a barn. Well, this time they’ve gone too far. My daughter’s moo-rder demands blood, and if it’s the last thing we do, we will have it. We will have it.”

The situation continues to intensify. Police officers have taken to patrolling the streets in order to prevent any violence that might otherwise occur. Several young colts, barely out of school and hot behind the collar, have been taken in for aggravating innocent cows in town. Pending the outcome of the trial, Applejack has been relocated to a solitary location behind a three-strand barbed wire fence for her own protection.

Is it only a matter of time until a full-scale war hits Ponyville? Maybe, maybe not. One thing is for sure, though—Equestria has not herd the last of this.