• Published 18th Oct 2014
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The Pinion - PegasusMesa

Side effects of reading may include smugness, self-importance, a sense of superiority, and diarrhea. Should side effects persist, stop reading The Pinion and see your doctor immediately.

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Poor Service Forces Enraged Princess To Demolish Restaurant And Nearby Orphanage

Canterlot, Equestria—In what many are already calling an act of God, the trendy restaurant Golden Tier was destroyed after it blundered the dinner order of beloved leader, Princess Luna. Caught up in the eruption was the unfortunately located St. Nebulus’s orphanage.

The night began calmly enough when Princess Luna and her cohort of bodyguards arrived at Golden Tier, hungry and ready for a meal. The host seated them in the house’s best area. However, things quickly grew hairy after the princess discovered that her tea had only received two cubes of sugar, rather than the requested three.

“Our tea must have exactly the right amount of sweetness,” Princess Luna commented the day after the incident. “Food preparation is for the peasantry, not the royalty, yet We had to add the third sugar cube Ourselves. ‘Tis shameful and embarrassing for Us to sully Our hooves so, to say the least.”

The next issue came right upon the heels of the first. Upon receiving her salad, Princess Luna found a tomato buried under the lettuce. Said the princess, “We should have released Our wrath right then and there! Ponies have lost their lives in the past for presenting Us with tomatoes. Indeed, that vile vegetable has nearly poisoned Our mighty stomach many times. However, in a special show of lenience, We felt merciful and allowed Golden Tier one final chance with which to redeem themselves.”

Unfortunately, the restaurant was not up to the task. Princess Luna’s entree of dandelion souflee came and went without mishap, but the same cannot be said of the desert. Her double-chocolate banana split ice cream sundae with extra nuts, whipped cream, and a cherry arrived with the cherry already sliding off of the top scoop before she could eat it. That marked the end of her patience and the beginning of her terrifying rampage. She calmed after only a few minutes, but by then, the city of Canterlot had accrued an estimated ten-million bits worth of damage.

“It was like being in the middle of a lightning storm,” said one witness, a restaurant-goer who required psychological treatment after the incident. “Except that the lightning storm had eyes, hooves, and wanted to kill everything that moved. I can only hope that Golden Tier’s management pays through the nose for bringing this upon us.”

Golden Tier was completely reduced to rubble along with St. Nebulus’s orphanage, which had stood next door. The surrounding buildings also sustained light to moderate damage, but nothing unfixable.

Golden Tier opened its doors five years ago to rave reviews, delighting upper-class Canterlot society with its original takes on traditional recipes and its chic, trendy atmosphere. “We deeply regret our inability to provide the level of service that Princess Luna demands,” said Golden Tier owner, Golden Wisdom. “If only we had known beforehoof about her visit, I would have scheduled my best ponies so that this all might have been avoided.”

Said Lord Mayor Stallionston, mayor of Canterlot, “The city is ashamed of Golden Tier’s irresponsible behavior. We are looking into filing suit against the restaurant for the damage done to our fair city.”

Perhaps the most sobering consequence is the state of the now-homeless orphans. St. Nebulus’s orphanage was founded a century ago by St. Nebulus herself, a follower of Princess Celestia so devout that she threw herself into the sun. She built the orphanage with her own two hooves over the course of three months so that the homeless foals of Canterlot could have a place to stay warm in the winter. In recognition of St. Nebulus’s wishes, Princess Luna has graciously allowed the orphans to remain in the irreparable husk of the obliterated orphanage, but says that they must vacate the premises within a week.

“Canterlot’s zoning laws are very strict concerning this,” the princess said. “I have decided to give the orphanage a grace period in order for them to find suitable accommodations, but in the end, the law must be obeyed.”

“We’re so grateful to Princess Luna,” said Willy Nilly, the mare who ran the orphanage and still looks after the orphans. “Without her, these poor fillies and colts would be out on the streets after Golden Tier’s lackluster service forced her into uncontrollable fury.”

Added a number of the orphans in unison, “Thank you, Princess Luna!” They then held out a number of hoofmade “thank you” notes, drawn on discarded newspaper pages, that they plan to send to Princess Luna in return for her kindness.

“It is a shame that these poor foals will soon find themselves wandering the cold, empty streets of Canterlot every single night,” Princess Luna said. “The responsible parties must be brought to justice, and I will not rest until they are.”

This is not the first time poor decisions or designs have caused Princess Luna-related destruction. Manehattan’s upper district faced a similar situation because a convenience store didn’t have her favorite brand of soda in stock when she passed through, and an entire island with a population of three-thousand ponies vanished from existence in a pillar of flame when a poorly placed sand trap caused her to miss par on the eighteenth hole at an exotic resort’s golf course.

“We hope Golden Tier will do the right thing and take responsibility for this dreadful situation,” Princess Luna said. “And may they never again commit such atrocities that leave an entire orphanage in shambles.”

Said Golden Wisdom, “Clearly we will do all that we can to help. However, first we must rebuild, which will likely take a number of months. We wish for the orphanage, the city, and particularly Princess Luna to forgive us. Hopefully, after we reorganize and hire more staff to replace the ones she choked to death and buried under tons of rubble, she’ll find it in her heart of hearts to give Golden Tier one last chance.”

Princess Luna did not comment on whether or not she was willing to forgive Golden Tier for their transgressions. Whatever she decides is something only time can tell.