The Pinion

by PegasusMesa

Princess Cadance Builds Greatest Goddamned Sandwich Ever

The Crystal Empire—When Princess Cadance put together a peanut butter and jelly sandwich late last night, little did she know that she was also making history. Only moments after her first bite did she name it the “greatest goddamned sandwich ever”.

“I’ve eaten a lot of sandwiches in my time,” Princess Cadance told a Pinion correspondent in a hastily arranged interview. “You don’t get to be a princess without eating a lot of food, but nothing has even come close to this sandwich.”

Earlier in the night, Princess Cadance and husband Shining Armor had partaken of a whole ounce of crystal kush, the kingdom’s primary export and main product of agriculture. Hunger pangs struck mere hours later, and so the princess wandered about in a blissful haze until she reached the royal kitchen.

“I had a lot of options,” the princess admitted. “I could have taken that bag of chips leftover from the night before. I remember there was also some stale cake that a servant hadn’t gotten around to throwing out yet.”

“And there were those nachos that you ordered earlier,” said Shining Armor.

“I almost ended up going with a jar of cold cheese sauce, but then I saw the peanut butter and knew what had to be done,” continued Princess Cadance. “It took a lot of magic to hold the entire sandwich together, but in the end, I knew that I had something wonderful.”

Added the princess, “Oh, fuck. I think I’m coming down. Hold on a second.”

“She was gone for at least an hour,” said Shining Armor, nuzzling his wife affectionately while she regained her buzz. “I can't remember because I was tripping mad balls. Then she finally gets back, and she’s carrying this absolutely insane sandwich. I shit you not, it was at least a pound of peanut butter and jelly between two slices of bread. It was literally the best looking sandwich I have ever seen”

“I made a few innovations,” the princess said. “The pickle relish was too tempting to ignore, and I couldn’t help but add the ketchup. As soon as I took that first bite, I knew without a doubt that it was the best goddamn sandwich in the history of the world.”

The morning after Princess Cadance’s ground-breaking discovery, letters from her fellow princesses in Equestria arrived, congratulating her on her success.

Said Princess Celestia in a press conference, “This is a great day for ponies everywhere. Princess Cadance and the Crystal Empire continue in their mission to provide us all with high-quality snack foods for when the munchies hit. On behalf of myself and the ponies of Equestria, I extend undying gratitude to Princess Cadance and wish her well on her future endeavors.”

“I have had better,” said Princess of the Moon and embittered creator of the Moonwich, Princess Luna. “She did not even use mustard. What kind of sandwich has no mustard?”

Although the greatest sandwich ever may itself not exist anymore, Princess Cadance and Shining Armor took pains to note the ingredients used therein. For now, they’re keeping it a secret of the royal family, but they have admitted to having plans to allow certain unnamed individuals access to the recipe.

“This type of thing only comes along once in a blue moon,” Princess Cadance commented. “If we spread it around right away, it’ll lose what made it special.”

Already, local Crystal Empire restaurants have prepared tribute sandwiches for their customers, despite not having the actual recipe.

“We call it the Cadance Special,” said one such owner, Slicen Dice, who runs a delicatessen. “It’s been on the menu since noon, and we’ve already sold out of the ingredients. This sandwich is hot.”

Princess Cadance is pleased with her creation’s success, but she doesn’t plan to rest on her laurels. “I am a leader,” she stated, “and so I cannot just sit here and pat myself on the back. I won’t say what I’m working on next, but rest assured that it involves chocolate. Like, so much fucking chocolate.”

Finished the princess, “And maybe a teenth..”

Comments

[Pretentious Narwhal]

Finished the princess, “And maybe a teenth..”

What's a teenth?