The Pinion

by PegasusMesa

Child Labor: Fashionable Cruelty (Contributed by King of Beggars)

Author's Note:

Thanks to King of Beggars for contributing this article

Ponyville, Equestria—The Equestrian fashion circuit was rocked today by allegations that a very prominent name in the industry may be in the habit of using child labor. The culprit: none other than rising superstar and self-fashioned ‘Fashionista’, Rarity.

The designer—an Equestrian national treasure as the former Bearer of the Element of Generosity—is a Ponyville native, and close personal friend of Princess Twilight Sparkle (once Bearer of the Element of Magic).

Pinion correspondents contacted Ms. Rarity regarding these allegations, and she decries them as being spurious at best, and outright malicious at their worst.

“It’s an outrage—an absolutely disgusting, bald-faced lie,” commented Rarity. “I would never take advantage of innocent little children, even if their tiny hooves would be perfect for making exquisitely flawless little stitch lines, so tight as to be invisible to the naked eye.”

“Rarity’s full of shit,” says Applejack, former wielder of the Element of Honesty and Friendship Associate of the accused. “She’s got that baby dragon of Twilight’s by the short-stick, she does. Wicked temptress works him like a borrowed mule making them fancy-schmancy dresses of hers.”

Spike the Dragon, Hero of the Crystal Empire and ward of Princess Twilight, has been an assistant to Rarity since first moving to Ponyville.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Spike told The Pinion. “I love doing stuff for Rarity. She’s so nice, and beautiful, and she keeps a lot of her supplies in places where she has to bend over to reach them, and when she sweats you can smell her from all the way across the room… You’re not going to print that, are you?”

“Spikey-wikey is very helpful,” Rarity said. “He wants to do things for me. I rather think he has a bit of a crush on me. Not that I would ever act on such a thing, but it’s very cute, the way he gets all flustered. And he doesn’t work all that much. Why, the other day, Twilight let him come over very early in the morning, and I tell you I did the responsible thing and had him home before midnight.”

Employing a minor under the age of fifteen is a crime under the Child Shield statutes set forth in the Equestrian Confederacy Doctrines. However, young Spike’s situation does not fall under the purview of the statutes, as he is not officially employed by the Carousel Boutique. He draws no paycheck from which taxes are withheld, he is not provided medical insurance under the Oopsie Hooves Worker Safety Act, and he is afforded no government mandated break time.

“He doesn’t need any of that nonsense,” said Rarity. “All he does is sew a few things together, pick up a few scraps of cloth, and spend a few hours digging up gems in dangerous Diamond Dog-occupied territory. Seven straight hours digging holes under the hot sun or hunched over a sewing machine is nothing. Why, when I was his age I could do seven hours of sewing standing on my head. I even let him have bathroom breaks as long as he’s not in the middle of a stitch-line.”

Princess Twilight Sparkle spoke to correspondents about the allegations that her ward was being exploited.

“Growing dragons need structure. Helping Rarity keeps him off the streets, away from drugs, and teaches him valuable trade skills that will serve him well when he enters the workforce as an adult. You want a criminal that’s abusing children? How about you go talk to the Equestrian College Board that churns out useless degree after useless degree like a paper mill?”

Princess Celestia, chair and founder of the Equestrian College Board, could not be reached for comment.

“Plus,” Princess Twilight further stated, “I know for a fact that as long as he’s over there with Rarity, there’s no chance of any of those teen pregnancy shenanigans I hear about in all the newspapers. I may be immortal, but I’m too young and beautiful to be a grandmother.”

However, critics say that the opinion of Princess Twilight may be biased. Concerned eyewitnesses report that Spike is often left unsupervised for hours, even days at a time, with a laundry list of jobs, some of which would stretch the mental and physical limits of an adult.

“Of course he works for me, he’s my assis—I mean, my son!” the princess said. “I mean, what young boy doesn’t have chores to do around the house? Throw out the garbage, clean your room, dust and organize over six thousand books, do my job and run the library for me while I go out on picnics—it’s just how he earns his allowance.”

“And I’m not on trial here, damnit,” she added, wiping a sheen of sweat from her forehead. “Rarity’s the one that’s working him to the bones and paying him in head pats and those glass beads she tries to pass off as gems.”

The Pinion attempted to contact physicians in regards to Spike’s health. There are currently five practicing physicians in the village of Ponyville, and none of them had any patient records for Spike. Our investigation led to the offices of the town veterinarian, who, disgustingly, appeared to be the dragon whelp’s primary care physician.

“I’onno,” said the veterinarian in response to questions about Spike’s health. “I guess he’s okay. I mean, I don’t really know anything about dragons. Nopony does. Do you have any questions about parakeets? I know a lot about those. They may be cute when they’re small, but let me tell you, those things are vicious when they get big.”

Said Spike on the matter: “My health? It’s pretty good. Fit as a fiddle… well, except for my naps. That’s what Twilight calls them. I get really dizzy sometimes and then my nose starts to bleed, but Twilight—I mean, Mom; she said I should call her Mom when I’m talking to you guys even though I usually call her Twilight—is really nice about it. I don’t even have to clean up the mess until I wake up. The coughing fits kind of suck, though. Wish I knew what those were about.”

Spike's situation is currently under investigation by Child Protective Services, and if convicted of exploiting a minor, Rarity could face upwards of sixteen years in prison for every charge. Whether any of those charges will stick, or if the investigation will lead to a decline in Rarity's sales, only time will tell.

Comments

[Meridian Prime]

Oh my god this is great.