• Published 18th Oct 2014
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The Pinion - PegasusMesa

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Changeling Burlesque Club In Crystal Empire Takes Kingdom By Storm

The Crystal Empire—The Crystal Empire is feeling a new sensation that it has never experienced before with last week’s grand opening of Queen Chrysalis’ House of Rubbing. The exotic burlesque dance club, more commonly known as a “rub club” for the way the dancers rub up against customers, turned a number of heads as it sashayed into town and right into the kingdom’s lap.

“After my people’s botched invasion of Canterlot, I realized that we had to try something new,” Queen Chrysalis told a Pinion reporter in one of the club’s back rooms. “Then I thought, what if I could get the ponies to give us their love, rather than take it? We provide them with entertainment, they provide us with life-sustaining nourishment, as well as their bits. As far as I can tell, it’s a win-win situation.”

The House of Rubbing’s entrance into the Crystal Empire has not been without hardship. On five separate occasions, royal guards have searched the establishment under royal warrant. Nothing that represents danger to the kingdom or its inhabitants has been yet discovered. Princess Cadance was on-hoof to provide comments.

“I don’t trust Chrysalis,” the princess said. “She was a cruel captor, and the last time we met was when my husband and I forcefully ejected her and her brood from Canterlot. There’s something more to this.”

“I’m sorry that Cadance can’t find it in her heart to forgive me,” Queen Chrysalis said in response to Princess Cadance’s criticisms. “Her suspicions wound me deeply. Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance?”

When asked her reason for choosing the Crystal Kingdom in particular as the location for her business, the queen answered, “Oh, I just felt that I owed it to Cadance to bring a little culture to her wonderful little kingdom. Hopefully she’ll appreciate what I aim to accomplish.”

All rub clubs feature a stage where dancers perform, either unassisted or with a pole, and onlookers can enjoy a beverage or even a meal while they watch the show. Rub club dancers often accept further payments for special services, such as lap dances and back-room sessions. However, the House of Rubbing takes it all to the next level.

“What we bring to the rub club table is versatility,” explained Queen Chrysalis. “From the homeliest pegasus to the most extravagant alicorn, my changelings can become whoever you desire.”

The House of Rubbing has a “suggestions” board, whereupon uncertain patrons can find assistance with whatever guise they wish a dancer to adopt. One such suggestion is the Harmony Harem, an offering where six changelings adopt the features of the former bearers of the Elements of Harmony. Further examples are the Full Moona Luna and the More or Ce-Less-tia.

“I’ve been all sorts of ponies in the last few days,” one performer said. “It’s easy work, and it pays well. You want Fluttershy? For ten bits, I’ll turn into Fluttershy. For twenty, I’ll even act like her.”

However, one special order is far more popular than the others.

“Our highest quality offering is the Opera’s End, named thusly because it’s not over until the fat pony… well, you know,” said Queen Chrysalis. “With this deal, the customer receives special attention in a back room from one of our best dancers in the guise of Mi Amore Cadenza herself. The hour-long entertainment ends with, ah, a pleasurable conclusion. I can only hope that Cadance doesn't find it too distasteful. I would hate to offend her, truly.”

Added the queen with a surprised expression, “I honestly didn’t expect the Opera’s End to be quite so popular. I suppose it says something about how the ponies of the Crystal Empire view their leader, but who am I to judge?”

Incidentally, the Opera’s End is the least expensive item on the list, despite providing the most value.

Even Princess Cadance’s husband is not above visiting the House of Rubbing. Despite the club’s rule prohibiting photography, pictures were leaked of Prince Shining Armor in the midst of the Opera’s End special, some of them quite graphic in nature. Further images showed the dancer’s transformation back into a changeling, revealing it to be none other than Queen Chrysalis, herself.

Said Princess Cadance when asked about Shining Armor’s involvement, “This matter is between me and my husband. No matter how disgusted I might be, we will resolve it ourselves.”

Princess Twilight Sparkle, sister to the prince, was not so tight-lipped. “I don’t know what that idiot was thinking,” she told a Pinion reporter. “He and I are going to have a very, very unpleasant conversation as soon as Cadance gets finished with him. The only way I could be more disappointed in him is if he had a second changeling in the room disguised as me. What the shit, Shining? Seriously, what the shit?

“I am ashamed of my behavior,” said Prince Shining Armor in a press release the day after the photographs were released. “Although, I must be fair, the service I received was pretty darn close to the real thing.” He and a nearby guard winked at each other and bumped hooves immediately afterward.

“Oh my, how ever could those photographs have leaked out?” said Queen Chrysalis with a hoof held up against her cheek.. “It’s so embarrassing to be the cause of such a scandal.”

When asked why she performed this particular Opera’s End herself, the queen said, “The prince was a valued guest. I thought to ensure his satisfaction personally. Clearly, personal matters had no involvement. No involvement at all.”

Despite the unsavory situation with the royal family, ponies continue to flock to the House of Rubbing every night in increasing numbers. Plans are already being drawn up for branch locations in Ponyville and Canterlot should the Crystal Empire location thrive for long enough.

However, it still remains to be seen whether the House of Rubbing is a new force in the Crystal Empire’s nightlife, or just a flash in the pan.