• Published 18th Oct 2014
  • 1,223 Views, 28 Comments

The Pinion - PegasusMesa

Side effects of reading may include smugness, self-importance, a sense of superiority, and diarrhea. Should side effects persist, stop reading The Pinion and see your doctor immediately.

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Princess Twilight Sparkle Declares Herself “Queen Of The Motherfucking Morons”

Ponyville, Equestria—Late yesterday afternoon, Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville declared herself “Queen of the Motherfucking Morons” after a long day of addressing her subjects’ troubles and concerns. A reporter from The Pinion was on hoof for to receive her comments.

“Today, I spoke with fifty three different ponies,” Princess Twilight said. “Five of them wanted help organizing three-pony tea parties, six asked if I had the power to officially declare war on Manehattan, three demanded that I marry them, two were arguing over ownership of a chicken, and one asked if I would do him a favor and magically extend his cock. It boggles the mind that so many ponies are this stupid. I am quite literally the Queen of the Motherfucking Morons.

“Yesterday, three of them fell into a well and needed to be rescued,” Princess Twilight continued. “Ponyville didn't even have a well last time I checked, so where it came from is anypony's guess. I put up a sign warning everyone about it, and four more fell in this morning. And do you have any idea how many witch trials I’ve had to deal with in the past month? Nine. Nine goddamn witch trials. These idiots keep forgetting that unicorns are supposed to use magic.”

Stated the princess, “I don’t know which is going to happen first: my mane starts to go gray, or I fucking tear it out.”

Since Princess Twilight’s arrival in Ponyville a year-and-a-half ago, nearly every official responsibility has been transferred to her. She now heads every single government committee, and presides over all local lawmakers’ gatherings. Law enforcement has also been left in her capable hooves.

Commented Princess Twilight, “Ponyville was basically bankrupt when I showed up. It was almost like the morons in charge were trying to waste all the town’s money. I mean, did we really need a fucking statue of Mayor Mare?”

“Twilight Sparkle has made my job so much easier,” said Mayor Mare, the mayor of Ponyville. “Ever since she appeared on the scene, I have had the time to focus on the things that are truly important to me.”

Added the mayor in regards to her crossword puzzle, “What is a four-letter word for ‘not light’ that ends with a ‘k’? Perhaps I should ask Twilight later when she’s not busy.”

When asked about the adoption of her self-proclaimed new title, Princess Twilight sighed and shook her head. “There are ponies living here that wouldn’t last a minute without someone holding their hoof every step of the way. It’s like they smell the danger and then proceed directly towards it. I’ve been in daycares with a higher collective degree of survival sense. You would think that with all the shit that goes down in Ponyville, everyone would have gotten used to it, but you would be wrong. Without me, these slack-jawed morons would all be utterly fucked.”

Ponyville has a single, one-room school house that seats students of all ages, some of whom were responsible for nearly throwing the world into eternal chaos by freeing the one-time tyrant, Discord.

“The school is terrible,” said Princess Twilight when asked about Ponyville’s education system. “Between you and me, I’ve been wondering if it’s even worth trying to salvage it. Have you ever seen the citizenry of Ponyville’s writing? It’s like reading something written by a foal, except the foal might accidentally spell something right. Half of the textbooks have been blacked out with a marker because Cheerilee can’t read words more than two syllables long, so she decided to pretend that they weren’t there. For fuck’s sake, I’m not even sure if she has her GED. I know that Ponyville isn’t known for its advanced scientific community, but Celestia on a corn cracker is it bad here.”

In her less-than-two-years in town, Princess Twilight formed a close circle of friends that have remained faithful to her, even after her rise to power.

Said one such friend, a dressmaker named Rarity, “Twilight is an absolute dear. Why, she has done nothing but solve everypony’s problems from the day she set hoof in Ponyville.”

“Yeah, Twilight’s cool,” said Rainbow Dash, a self-styled athlete. “She stinks at a lot of the important stuff, like flying, but she always gives one-hundred and ten percent and is a riot to have around.”

“Um, whenever you ask, she’ll help you,” said animal-rights activist Fluttershy. “It might be because she’s very nosey, though. She can be a bit of a bitch, sometimes.”

Said Fluttershy further, “This isn’t part of the interview, right?”

Not everything has gone smoothly for Princess Twilight. A few of her subjects have expressed concern over their new leader’s policies. “I don’t trust her,” said one such pony. “What if she’s just lulling us all into a false sense of security? She could be improving our standards of living and saving our lives just to make us soft so she can enslave us in the future.”

“I heard her speaking in rhymes, once,” said another. “She claimed it was something called poetry, but it sounded an awful lot like zebra-talk to me.”

A third commented, “I won’t believe she’s a princess until I’ve seen a birth certificate.”

Princess Twilight did have some non-negative sentiments to express regarding her subjects..

“I’ll be honest, though,” she said. “Ponyville’s citizens may be brain-dead mouth-breathers, but they’re my brain-dead mouth-breathers. I love them, you know? Plus, they’re the only ones who’re willing to hang out with me on a daily basis.”

Added Twilight, “Sweet Luna’s moon-dappled ass, I need to get some better friends.”