Photo Finish helps Coco Pommel take full advantage of the decadent Canterlot lifestyle while she works for her (specifically a weight-gain story)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Not exactly the direction I was hoping this chapter would go (though I know some folks will like it) but it's written well all the same. And Photo's attempt at subtlety made me laugh out loud.
I dunno... I was expecting him to be smoother than that. Like the threesome idea would definitely be something he'd suggest, his not being shy, and all that. But him being downright invasive like that actually isn't something I've seen party animal types typically do -- most of them I've met avoid shy people and virgins like the plague. (Almost like those types of folks are threatening to be around.) It'd have made more sense for Silver Streak and Photo Finish to be more flirtatious and comfortable with each other... Coco feeling more and more awkward and shrinking away from them... until Coco feels downright ignored.
On top of that, no matter what the waiter's opinion of his customers are, he'd only share them with his coworkers, not with customers. If Finish waved the manager over and told him about his waiter's behavior, that waiter would have been fired. Which she should have done -- the waiter could have been the antagonist in this situation, and frankly should have been. Just as Coco is gonna leave because she feels ignored or small compared to the big personalities of Streak and Finish, the waiter makes a snide comment about Coco being unable to fit through the door. Finish gives him an earful, Streak waves the manager over, and the situation is over. The manager promises the waiter "they're gonna have a talk", and excuses the bill, basically giving them their meal for free.
I'm not reading the rest of this fic, since a lot of the characterization feels way off and without experience. I was hoping it would improve, with most of Photo's awkwardness being because she doesn't really know how to approach somepony as shy as Coco without upsetting her or leaving her feel too pressured. But it's obvious you've written her as a timid and borderline-socially-incompetent person. Thanks but no thanks.
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I understand where you're coming from. I'm sorry the story left you with that bad of an experience. You are right, I do lack a lot of experience with party animals and sexual encounters in general, and I am not writing wither Finish or Coco as well as I could be. I will be trying to improve this in the future, and I at least thank you for the feedback, as well as all of the feedback from previous chapters.