Chaos Incorporated

by DontTreadOnMe777777

How to Really Do a Self-Insert (The Obviously April Fools Chapter)

“For Celestia!” The elite, well-trained Equestrian army roared.

“Fuck Celestia!” The human war machine answered the taunt with its own, as the two armies began to clash.

Sword met shield, bullet met magic. The masters of war versus the last vestige of Equestria. All the nations had pitched together to create by far the biggest army ever seen on Equestria, filled with dragons, griffons, zebras, and even changelings.

Except for the human army, of course. Ricky had brought every army he could possibly get into Equestria, even with the helmet’s limitations (because screw plot conformity) and massed them into one cohesive unit, divided by time period.

The battle was so expansive, it had been going for a couple days straight. However, somehow, the men were as energetic as ever. Corpses littered the field, only a few of which were humans.

On top of a huge pile of pony bodies was Ricky, but it wasn’t Ricky. It was Terminator Ricky. Flesh mixed with metal, creating a man that was less man than machine. Attached to his arm was his prized bolt-action rifle, firing full auto.

“My true form is too much for you!” He yelled in a perfect imitation of Arnold Schwarzenegger (probably because he is Arnold) as his minigun rifle mowed down countless ponies. Even if he fired into the sky, the bullets found their targets. All of a sudden, he noticed a flash of yellow and white. He smirked, just as a hulking form crashed down in front of him.

“Celestia.” The former benevolent princess was now donning a giant suit of golden armor, a fearsome sight for any man. But this wasn’t any man. He’s Arnold Schwarzenegger plus Ricky.

“Richard Welfork. Stand down now, or be annihilated.”

“No.”

“Okay then.” Celestia turned around, before a great light suddenly emanated from her horn. In an instant, his entire army was vaporized. “Have fun fending off the entire Equestrian army.”

The smirk grew even wider. “Let’s go!” Countless Equestrians flew towards him, but he shot each one right through the head, without even aiming. The pile of bodies grew even higher, but Ricky’s bullets had no end, because Discord had wanted to fuck with the world utterly.

Eventually, the tide slowed to nothingness. Now, the four princesses came forwards, each decked out in armor and spells at the ready. Years of work by the finest magicians had made even their weakest shield spell impenetrable, and they were using their best magic without breaking a sweat.
“Surrender now, or we will vaporize you!”

“No.” Ricky shot four times. Four princesses fell. All the Equestrians now began to flee, seeing their main leadership decapitated like that. Ricky pulled out his iPhone (because Windows phones are for commie bastards), that he definitely always had with him and definitely worked in Equestria, and called Discord, who also definitely had an iPhone that definitely worked.

“It is done.”

“Okay, launching Plan Fuck Shit Up. Ricky, what’s with that accent?” Discord asked.

“No making fun of the accent!” Ricky shot at the ground. The bullet dug through the earth, all the way to Tartarus, where it promptly gave Ricky another headshot.

All of a sudden, a giant nuclear flash blinded everyone still alive. “Canterlot!” One of the pony soldiers cried, as Canterlot and everyone in and around it was vaporized in a massive nuclear blast. At the same time, bombs were also going off all around Equestria, effectively ending ponykind.

As the last pony was eliminated, Terminator Ricky finally cracked a smirk. "Humans are the best."

I stood up from my desk slowly. The cursor on the Google Doc blinked slowly, as if almost as tired as I was.

"Ugh. I need some video games, writing an April Fools chapter is harder than it looks." I stretched slowly. A couple of cracks exploded from my spine, but otherwise it was quite peaceful. "Some Total War'll do me good."

SLAM! "I'm baaack!" A voice belted out downstairs.

I rubbed my temple with my hand. "Oh, fuck me." Someone began to plod up the stairs, every footfall echoing around the house. Eventually, the mystery person reached the top of the stairs, and began to stumble towards my door.

The door swung open. A scrawny teenager stood in the doorway, his skinny frame barely covering any of the space around the door frame. His jet black hair almost covered his deep blue eyes, and a rifle was slung haphazardly over his shoulder. In his hands, he clutched a bottle of Seagram's tight.

"Hey, man. Why don't you party with us a bit?" He slurred, which I'm not going to write out because I'm a lazy son-of-a-bitch. “How’s it going, man?” He slurred, which I’m not going to write out because I’m lazy.

“Good enough. I just finished your April Fools chapter, now I can get to work on the one everyone’s really waiting for: the Battle of Arbor Hollow Hill.”

“Spoiler alert, I win that one by a landslide.” The drunk Scot boasted.

“Some guy was saying that in the comments. One,” I sat back down at my laptop and entered FIMFiction, “Arthur MacGuffin.”

The Scot slowly registered what I had said. "Anyways, what'd you write, man?"

I straightened up a bit. "Well, it goes like this. Your army and Celestia's army clash. During the climax of the battle, you face Celestia in one on one combat. Eventually, you-"

"Yeah, yeah, I don't like it. It needs more zany. Ooh, and make me a Terminator!" Ricky rambled.

My eye twitched.

“Are you serious? I have to rewrite the whole chapter then, from scratch. On top of that, I don’t think Terminator Ricky is really a good idea.”

“Well, I have the weapon here.” Ricky suddenly swung the rifle up and rested it on his hip. Although his state caused it to wobble quite a bit, it was obviously pointed at me.

“Shit! Fine! I’ll do it, just put the gun down!” I quickly stood up, sticking my hands up. Ricky jerked the rifle at the computer, and I sat back down. Quickly, I deleted the bulk of the chapter. As I began the long process of rewriting and revising, one thought stuck in my head.

‘I should join a union.’

Author's Note:

A loving homage to Smashing Down's April Fools chapter, with some of my own fuckery mixed in. Please, enjoy.

Comments

[Nick11235]

This chapter alone deserves a thumbs up

[DontTreadOnMe777777]

5814317 I tried pretty damn hard on this, so that means a lot.

But please, read the rest of the story if you want

[Bones_]

Trololololo...

[TheShadowOfZama]

Lol is all I need to describe this chapter. Keep it up!

[DontTreadOnMe777777]

5827369 I'm still going strong.

[TheShadowOfZama]

5827457 That's the spirit!!!

[Gotland]

Seriously?!!?!??! You almost had me worried that you actually ended it