Barely any light made it into the long forgotten cavern. Water dripped down from the stalactites on the roof. The dripping was the only sound in the cave. Ancient carvings lined the walls, each one telling a story from long ago. Upon the ebony pedestal perched a small tripod, which held a long forgotten object. A crystal orb, dark as the night, with wisps of grey smoke whipping around inside it. Without any warning, a small crack appeared on the object. A stream of dark smoke shot out of the crack, amassing a few feet away from the pedestal. Then, the crack grew in size, and the flow of smoke increased. It drained from the orb, emptying it, causing the orb to become clear. The smoke began to take shape and form. It grew into an oval of about six feet in height. Then four strings of smoke spread from the shape. Slowly, the smoke began to materialize. Flesh, and clothing appeared. When it was finished, a creature stood in its place. Devoid of any fur except for the back neck length hair that fell down to its neck. It wore black boots with steel toes. Black pants, shirt, and trench coat covered the rest of its body. The creature examined itself, observing its full body. Then a wicked smile appeared on its face, revealing extremely sharp canines. Then, the creature started chuckling, in a male voice. The chuckling evolved into manic laughter. The creature threw his head back as he laughed. After a few minutes, the laughter died down, but the smile did not falter.
"Hehe. At last, I am free of that accursed prison." the creature looked around at his surroundings, observing the cave. He walked to the wall of the cave, and pressed his hand against the carvings. Despite the incredible darkness, he could see perfectly fine. He traced his finger around the outline of the creature portrayed on the wall. It was a mismatched Frankenstein, composed of multiple body parts from multiple different animals. The creature in blacks face looked sad and sorrowful, but it transformed into a look of anger and hatred. "You'll pay," said the creature. His body then blew away as it transformed back into black smoke, and shot away, out through a small hole in the roof of the cave.
It had been one week since the defeat of the evil centaur, Tirek. After the defeat of Tirek, a large tree shaped crystal castle appeared in Ponyville. Twilight Sparkle took the palace as her own place of residence, although her friends were always welcome. Currently, nine beings were in the castle. The mane six, princesses of the sun and the moon, and lastly the spirit of chaos Discord. They were all gathered around a table, drinking tea.
"Mm, this tea is wonderful Twilight. If you don't mind me asking, what kind is it?" asked Fluttershy.
"It's this new thing called oolong tea. It's from the far east," replied Twilight.
"Well, its simply marvelous Twilight," said Rarity.
"I must thank you for inviting me Twilight. Especially after, well, you know," said a solemn Discord.
"You mean how you totally betrayed us to Tirek?" asked Rainbow.
"Rainbow!" exclaimed Twilight. Rainbow just rubbed the back of her head, and smiled sheepishly. Twilight returned her gaze to Discord. "It's alright Discord. I'm sure you've learned your lesson."
"Still, I feel awful," replied Discord.
"Think of it this way Discord," said Celestia. "If you hadn't joined Tirek, you wouldn't have been able to give Twilight that amulet, and she wouldn't have been able to defeat Tirek."
"Yes, but if I had apprehended Tirek in the first place, she wouldn't have needed to beat him," replied Discord.
"Well, think of it this way Discord. If you hadn't joined Tirek, I wouldn't have this cool castle!" said Twilight. Discord Chuckled.
"Well, yes, I guess that's true."
"And I do believe that whole incident made our friendship that much stronger," said Rarity.
"Hm. I guess you are right. Still, I feel bad." Fluttershy was about to speak up, when the group heard a knocking sound.
"I'll get it," said Twilight. She got up and left the room. She then proceeded to trot down the stairs towards the door. She opened the door with her magic to reveal a familiar Pegasus.
"Oh, hello Derpy."
One hour earlier
Deep within the Everfree forest, hidden from view of Ponyville, a grey Pegasus with a blond mane was floating in the air. She was suspended not by her wings, but by black smoke which bound her legs and neck. In front of her stood a figure dressed in black. Its hands were behind its back, and it was pacing back and forth. The Pegasus had tears in her eyes as she sobbed.
"P-please l-let me g-go!" she sobbed. The creature stopped and turned to face her.
"It would appear that I've been absent for the past, oh I don't know, 1000 years or so? So I need information. You are going to give it to me," said the creature.
"A-and if I do, y-you'll let me go?"
"It certainly wouldn't hurt your chances."
"O-okay. Well, what do you want to know?"
"Just tell me anything of historical importance."
"Well, a little over 1000 years or so, the princesses defeated Discord by imprisoning him in stone using the elements of harmony."
'A fitting punishment for his sins,' thought the creature. "Tell me more."
"Well, after that, Princess Luna transformed into the mare of darkness, Nightmare moon. Princess Celestia used the elements to imprison her sister on the moon. Then, a few years ago, she returned. The new bearers of the elements purified Nightmare Moon, turning her back into Princess Luna.
"Where can I find these elements?"
"They live in Ponyville. Their names are Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash."
"Then what happened?"
"Discord escaped his stone imprisonment, but the elements defeated him. But later, they released him and reformed him. Then-"
"Hold on a second," said the creature as he held up a hand. "You're telling me that da-Discord is now an ally of the ponies?"
"Y-yes," stuttered Derpy.
"Anything else?"
"Yes. Tirek escaped Tartarus, and convinced Discord to join him. He stole everyponies magic, then he betrayed Discord. The element bearers defeated him, but they didn't use the elements."
"Why not?"
"They had to return them to the tree of harmony." An evil smirk appeared on the creatures face.
"Excellent. That is all."
"S-so, now you'll let me go?"
"Ehh, no."
"W-what! You said you'd let me go if I answered your questions!"
"I said it wouldn't hurt you chances."
"You son of a-ack!" The creature held up his hand, causing dark smoke to pour into Derpy's mouth. She started to spasm and twitch, and her eyes rolled into the back of her head. As the smoke filled her, her mane and fur darkened, losing their color. When the last of the smoke filled her body, she slowly levitated down to the ground. She just stood there, staring blankly into the distance.
"How about you and I pay a visit to Ponyville."
"Yes master," said Derpy. But she sounded like a zombie, no tone or emotion in her voice. The creature smiled, and then the two flitted away.
"Oh, hello Derpy."
"Hello," replied Derpy. But Twilight noticed a few things different about her. Her fur and mane where a bit darker and less colorful. Her voice sounded empty and soulless.
"Um, is there something you need?" asked Twilight.
"Is Discord here?"
"Um, yeah, why?"
"That's all I needed." With that, Derpy reared on her back hooves, standing upright. Then, her skin began to fall off like wrapping paper. As the last of her flesh fell to nothingness, all that was left was a black smoke. Twilight screamed. The smoke began to take shape, and soon formed into a figure Twilight had seen before.
"A-a h-human!" cried Twilight.
"Twilight! What's going on!" Twilight turned around to see her friends rushing to her. Twilight walked back to the group. The human strode into the castle, with his hands behind his back. Twilight saw Discord step forward, a look of surprise on his face.
"Dark? Dark Blade?" said a shocked Discord. Twilight and the other ponies looked to Discord. He knew this human?
"Hello...father."
I get the feeling the upvote is yours, author, but the story still looks interesting. I'll give it a read tomorrow.
?
Needs romance... give it romance and i will follow.
Has potentual, I'll follow for now
4618666 I aggree!
im interested
I love it!!!!!!!
4618672 Yoh smahrtass.
sunningdaledentalblog.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/cus-too.jpg
Yes, veeery sharp
the name and the last line were so cheesey it was like I was eating a mixture of doritos and cheetos.
Ooh, very fun. Get an editor, but other than that, noice.
4620051 But maybe he made them sharper.
I like this
Well... this story seems to have a lot of potential. But... a few things to note:
1. The formatting at the very beginning - A large block of text is stressful on the eyes and takes time to sort through, everything after that seems to have good spacing though.
2. Beyond knowing what 'Dark Blade' wears, we don't know his physical appearance. What color is his hair? His skin? What about his eyes? Those kind of things - Try not to be too wordy though.
PS: Take what I said with a grain of salt, it's your story - I will be keeping an eye on this.
PPS: Sharp canines are awesome - Trench coats are awesome too.
4620051 His are sharper than normal
4621233 I said he had black hair and grey skin in the story.
Of the writing I am severely disgusted. Of the plot and the character so far? Meh.
4618232 I'm not going to pander, and change the story just because you want me to. However, your comment has given me and idea.
4623362 OH NO, YOU'RE SEVERELY DISGUSTED? Don't be such a drama queen.
4623466
an* and idc what you do you selfish prick write for your self and dont give me your attitude
4623643 Jeez, calm down. Haven't you heard of the term; "Pandering to the lowest common denominator?" I'm not giving you attitude. I'm simply saying I'm not going to change the story just because one person wants me to. Go calm down, and return when you're ready to talk like an adult.
4623480 ...I truly am. I almost threw up a lung the first time I read the story.
Great story so far, but if you need an editor, I'd be happy to help.
4626282 Uh, sure maybe
4626094 Well, hopefully some cynical guy with nothing nice to say comes to your page, and criticizes one of YOUR stories, which I'm sure are just perfect, without any fault what so ever.
4627560 Oh, my stories are equally awful, maybe even worse in my opinion. Still, puke is puke.
At least in your case it's the writing, the story is my worst fault. ...Possible the characters...
4627548 Alright. Message me a chapter when you're done and I'll fix any grammar errors and such I find. I just don't think it's fair that you're getting all is flack.
4628288 Thanks. How exactly do I message it to you?
4627576 Instead of responding negatively, I am going to ask, what do YOU think I can do to improve my writing?
4628451 Go into edit mode on your story, copy it, then go on my page and hit the 'mail' button. It the box that pops up, paste your story, and send it to me.
4628455 Hmn...like 4621233 said, the block of text at the beginning of the chapter is disconcerting. You could break it down into a few smaller paragraphs and that wouldn't be as grating. I could go over your chapters with you via Skype reading, and edit out the errors with you. I assure you, in this endeavor I am far better suited.
Secondly, the naming. I think your conventions are brutally cliché. Dark Blade? More like Emo Badger. You could change this to something more...suitable, given Discord's natural imagination. The clothing choice when you go over the character's appearance and wardrobe reek of teenage I-want-to-feel-powerful syndrome. There is no such thing as 'Too Cool for You' and your representation offends more than it attracts.
Thirdly, you should write more. Your conventions are tried and true, but any twists you might involve are lessened by this fact. Length can give more to cri- appreciate, but it would be best to be careful. Length is fine, but redundancy and filler are killer...s.
So you've got a human raised by Discord since infancy, and he chooses to dress like a metalhead and has one of the most laughably goffik names possible.
[CHUNNI REACHING CRITICAL LEVELS]
Oh yeah, this story is so promising.
I hope Derpy is alright. Not that I can be sure about it, I mean it sounds like she disappeared in smoke somehow. I'm a little confused.
4618232
Not everything is about Romance and sex ya shrimp dick.