2 days later in Canterlot.
"Wow I never thought Canterlot would be so beatiful ," said a disguised Amazia
"Meh, too bright for my tastes ," said the mare beside her
"After the dark halls of the Hive it is a nice change of senary even you can't disagree with that Butterfly, "said Amazia
"Hush "Lolilpop " you know we can"t use our real names while we are disguised ," said Butterfly while looking around to make sure nopoy heard them, thankfully nopony seemed to have noticed .
"Relax nopony heard us , besides Butterfly is a very common pony name," said Amazia to her friend
Before Butterfly could respond Amazia cut her off " We have arrived , 3rd sunset street the two story building , where our prey lives "
"Can you tell me the plan again ? i forgot, "said Butterfly
"Again ? "
"Hey I am a medic not an inflitrator,I have very little field experience , I am new to this sneak and replace thing .I still don't understand why you chose me to accompany you, "
"Because i have more use for someone that can heal my wounds than an inflitrator if things get out of hoof, "
"I guess that makes sense so can you tell me again the plan ?"
"Fine , so in that house live two sisters ,Moongazer and Nightsong , they are both maids at Canterlot castle , we go in there stun them then cocoon them ,take their I.Ds so we will have easy acess to the castle , we find Princess Mi Amora Cadenza and trick her to go to the castle library where my mother will be waitting for her to take her place . Did you get it ? "
"Yes i think i got it let's go ".
2 hours later near the Royal Library.
"Are you sure my aunt Luna wanted to meet me at the Royal Library Moongazer ? " asked Cadance
"Yes your highness she asked you to see her as soon as possible ," said Amazia disguised as Moongazer
"I wonder what is it so important that see wanted to see me so soon ? " asked Cadence
"We don't know your majesty , we were just asked to escort you there, " said Butterfly disguised as Nightsong
"I guess we will find out soon enough we are here, " said Amazia
Once they entered the Library .Cadance was stared dumbfounded at what apeared to be a perfect copy of herself "Hello Cadenza, " said the copy "Who ar......... " she didn't get to finish her sentence as she was stunned from behind by Amezia "Good job my daughter now i will teleporte me and her to the mines and .." she was cut of by three knocks at the door "Cadance honey, it is me Shining Armor i saw you enter here when i was on my way to your room . Can i come in ?" "Buck ," said Chrysalis 'think ,chrysalis , think ,' she though "Amazia teleport you and Cadenza to the mines and kill her i will distract Shining Armor, "
"K-k-kill her ?" asked Amazia she had a promise to keep
"Yes , go now , Butterfly get out from the back " ordered Chrysalis "Coming Shining "
Amazia teleported her and Cadance to the crystal mines beneath the city "I can't kill her i promised my aunt i won't kill anypony unless neccesary , what to do ? what to do ? " she was pacing infront of the unconcious cadance until an idea came to her "I can leave her here she won't be able to escape here ,the crystal are almost impossible to break , Princess Luna survived one thousand years at the moon i think she can survive 2 weeks in the mines " and then she teleported away to where she aggred to meet Butterfly.
"Did you take care of her ?" asked Butterfly when they met
"Yes i took care of her don't worry, "
Little did she know that she just sealed the fate of the invasion.
i like it please make more chapters for this story and i hope this story dose not get delete too and i will not kill you
YEAH i won't die and don't worry if this story goes well i will continue
4501811 yeah you won't and ok
Look for an editor. Not too bad... I am interested to see how this.
Story is okay but needs a lot of work still.
I am willing to help you out with writing and editing. Though you'd have to look for someone with english as mother language if you want it to be perfect :)
cover art that i found i think it fit really well with my OC princess . I am tired I will go to sleep now it is one in the morning here
Hrrrm, could be longer, but I do like it. Please continue
The writing is poor, but the concept is something I can get behind.
Hopefully the writing quality won't get any worse as the story progresses...
Uhm.. .. short. Needs editing work. If you need one, I'm happy to volunteer. Just ya know. Don't break my back or nothin' as this is pro-Bono.
You CAN however feed me with affection. Any positive emotion will d- I mean Yeah. bits. Ahem.
1. my gut churns when people slap "first story,be gentle"
2. Interesting name choice...
3. I can see spelling mistakes in your long description, which to me is a red flag that the rest of the story is BOUND to have spelling/grammatical errors aka not a good read. Judging by the helping hoofs. I don't think you need another editor... I'll just put your story on hold for a few months and read it after all the work has gotten a good comb over.
4503766 Btw here's a long desc. Edit for you;
This story follows Amazia, daughter of Chrysalis, and heir to her throne. One merciful action costed her everything, and now she has been exiled to a land where everyone thinks she is a monster. What will happen to her now? Will she survive, and find the one thing she couldn't find in the Hive, True love?
(Optional edits)
Author's Note: While I am open to criticism , please keep outright story-bashing or otherwise rude remarks out of your comment(s). This is my first story, so please keep a thoughtful mind when reading. Grammar mistakes will be a given, since English is not my native language. Sorry in advance!
You said that English isn't your first language, and it is obvious. I would recommend an editor to help with your grammar.