The Changeling Princess

by Hades

Prologue

Changeling Hive 3 weeks before the Canterlot invasion.

"ARE YOU MAD ?"

"No need to shout sister, " said Chrysalis calmy

"NO NEED TO SHOUT ? You are out of your mind sister , attacking Canterlot is a suicide, " said Chrysalis' sister who is a changeling the same size as her sister only difference is that she has a purple mane and eyes compared to Chrysalis green.

"Miadra it isn't a suicide, you have seen the pathetic excuse of a Guard they have, they will be no threat to my changeling warriors, plus we outnumber them one to ten," said Chrysalis.

"What about Celestia and Luna, how will you defeat the godesses of the sun and moon ? "said Miadra.

"Once i replace Mi Amora Cadenza and start feeding on her fiancee's love , i will wait till i am powerful enough to overpower them and end their pathetic rule, " said Chrysalis.

"What will happen if you get discovered before you are powerfull enough ?"

"It won't come to that i will make sure about that, "

"What about Cadenza ? What will you do about her ? You need to make sure she doen't interfere with your plans, "

"Simple,I will kill her when i teleport her to the crystal mines under Canterlot, she can't interfere with my plans if she isn't breathing,"

"Well I see I can't convince you to reconsider about this " Miadra said before sighing "But do you have to take Amazia with you ? , she is too young "

"She is a grown nymph sister , and a excelent inflitrator , I will need her with me since you will stay here to watch after the Hive during my leave , this conversation is over sister ,my desicion is final, now leave I need to prepare for the invasion, we leave tommorow, " said Chrysalis.

Miadra sighed and left her sister to prepare.

Miadra knocked on the door of her niece's room ."Coming " Miadra heard a musical voice behind the door say , unlike most changelings Amazia had a wonderful musical voice , the door opened and a brown changeling with orange mane,tail and eyes came out , if anypony would compare her height with somepony she would be the same height as Princess Luna.

"Aunty ," said Amazia before hugging her aunt

Miadra laughed a little before hugging her back "I am happy to see you too Amazia "

"It is good to see you"she said before breaking the embrace, "So did you need anything or are you here just to visit ? "asked Amazia.

"Actually i wanted to talk to you about something , may I come in ? " said Miadra

"Of course ," said Amazia

They entered the room and sat at a table near the window "So what did you want to tell me ?" asked Amazia

Miadra sighed before she said "Your mother already told you that we will be invading Canterlot and that you will go with her " Amazia noded "I want you to promise me something Amazia " she took Amazia's hoof with her own "Promise me , that you will not kill anypony ,unless their no other choice , promise me please , it is a path i don't want you to go "

"I promise aunty i won't take somepony's else life unless I have no other choice " Amazia promised her aunt who in return hugged her.

"Thank you " said Miadra before ending the hug "Now why don't we go and play some chess at my room before you leave ? I want to spent as much time as I can with you before you leave , you will be gone for almost a month "

"I would like that, " said Amazia before she left with aunt.

Author's Note:

Tell me what you think

Comments

[Schroooom Farmer]

Okay, let's do this. (storyline aside)
When placing a comma, you do not place a space before it like you do most of the time.
"Text, text." not "text , text ?"
Also, when using "I" as "me" it has to be a capital i.
I could be your editor but I want you to learn such things too. (Yes, I volunteer)
That has been on my heart, will continue with chapter #2 now ;)

[Masterweaver]

Actually mostly good, grammatically. A few misspellings, and your punctuation suffers what Schroooom up there has already covered, but as a basic story goes this isn't bad.

That being said...

You'll often hear writers talking about "flow." It's a bit of a hard concept to explain, but this feels a bit robotic. You've got a pattern here:

"I will say something!" said character one.

"I will also say something," said character two, who deserves to be described by a long sentence which explains that she is in fact a purple unicorn with green eyes and related to character one by the fact of being her daughter.

"This time I will give a plot relevant explanation of what is going on!" said character one.

Character two walked off.

Character two continued walking, the scene transitioning around her in another paragraph and introducing plot relevant details.

It's not bad... but it's a bit formulaic, and if you can feel what's going on there's no real... it's like lumpy dough, is what I'm saying. You need to mix things up a bit, break up the explanations and spread them out, maybe have your characters do some busywork like "she rolled her eyes" or "she averted her gaze."

Still, the actual STORY is impressive.

[ISS]

Almost downvoted for commas and missing periods.

[BronyNinja209]

4509827 whats a period?

[Nightflight406]

4663342
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