- Member Since 2nd Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 7th, 2014
NinjaMidget
I am a programmer who likes to write on the side...not usually pony related but hey, you don't always choose the ideas that come to you.
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Ok, so I'm fishing for feedback here. Using the present tense (says, goes, does, etc) vs past tense (said, did, went, etc) was a decision I made about half way through writing this story. I thought it made the story seem more like an episode being watched than a story being told. Any opinions on this writing style? Did it distract, or was it something that was not noticeable to the average reader?
4490773
using either doesn't alter or detract from the experience. any average reader will see it the same. this way feels more natural anyway because it makes it so both character are equally as important, which is important considering the moral, where as a memory would focus on one more than the other, kinda destroying the whole point.
aside the writing style, I kinda found two other problems. first is stuff like this.
verbalizing actions don't really work like this, its off putting. Either that or I need to read the guide to critiquing fanfics. just have the narration describe the action.
second which is a real issue, is the characters used. I understand that because pinkie and maud seem like polar opposites, their dad can see a simple rift tearing them apart and could set up a activity to bring them closer and teach them a message personally to help kep them close, but, they are as close as can be.
in the episode, pinkie describes them as very close and even names off a bunch of things about her. usually implying that they spend a lot of time together. could a dad really not notice this and assume they might break apart?
in this situation, maud and pinkie don't really work out for the plot.
4606062 Thank you for the review. I thought the verbalization of pinkies actions in that part might have helped with showing her spontaneity and overall bouncy nature, but I see your point.
I guess my impression of the Maud Pie episode was that they were not as close as they were just accepting of their differences. It's more of a journey for Maud in this story. Pinkie has a connection with everyone. It's just in her nature. I didn't feel like they really connected in that episode. It could be interesting to build on a little bit of a divide beginning between Pinkie and Maud in the beginning of the story. It feels kind of rushed to me. hmmmm.
Thanks again for the feedback