• Member Since 14th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen Aug 2nd, 2017

Wayward Sun


Back from a very long hiatus.

T

[Edited and expanded!]
Pinkie and Maud have been through a lot together. They moved away from their family to Canterlot, and they couldn't have been happier.

But of course, with a situation like their's, not everything is perfect. So when Pinkie finds out Maud is hiding something, she immediately blames herself for it.

Her mind's a bit backwards, but her heart's in the right place.

[Equestria Girls verse, set probably around Friendship Games but not referenced.]

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 18 )

Why can't I upvote this? :raritydespair:

Interesting idea, I must say! Don't recall seeing anything like this before.

Unfortunately, I have to say that your story was hurt by the fact that most of it was essentially an exposition dump, especially in the second scene. Given the limited scenario, this is understandably difficult to avoid, however more scenes and/or more action happening would do this story an immense favor by breaking up the information and moving things forward. Slowing down the pacing would help too, as it would allow the reader to become immersed in the emotional atmosphere better. Take the time to describe the sensory details- they can go a long way in setting the mood, and describing the environment can even do some story telling in itself, reducing the narrative exposition even further.

A potential way to help spread the information would be to have the story be longer, and let their history come out over time and more naturally. Perhaps Pinkie finds the envelope, doesn't know how to react, so she shoves it back in the trash and pretends to have not seen anything. Over the next few days, she tries to pretend to be fine (and failing), but her friends quickly pick up on it. (Perhaps she's being quiet, isolating herself, grades are falling, getting lost in thought, etc). Her facade falls apart as she keeps escalating the situation in her mind, making herself feel worse and worse in a vicious cycle of thought until she finally cracks. After a near meltdown with her friends brought about by both the emotional strain she's putting on herself and the stress of keeping her feelings from Maud, she finally tearfully opens up to the Cakes. Taking up their suggestion to talk to Maud about it personally instead of hiding it, Pinkie talks to her that night (maybe skipping a party to do so?). They have a serious conversation/argument in which you can add in more exposition snippets, and resolve the conflict. By spreading the narrative out over time, it allows the conflict to evolve and the emotions to develop and sink in. You can also find more opportunities to slip in information about their history in less obtrusive ways.

Not at all to say I didn't like this- I did enjoy reading it! The history was very interesting, the Cakes as a support role was cool, and the very idea here is one with a lot of character exploration potential and can lead to complex conflicts. These are just some criticisms/suggestions to help make your writing even stronger. :) I'm not a writer myself, so I can't vouch for the accuracy of my criticisms; I'm just going by my experience as a reader.

6527958
I think you are up-voting, it just wasn't showing up since the voting hadn't hit the threshold yet. You should be able to see it now. :)

6528106 Thank you for the input! I really like the idea of spacing it out, but unfortunately I have too many chapter stories going right now, thus why this was reduced to a one-shot. Perhaps in the future I can redo it, but right now it's not likely to happen.

6528117 Ooooh, what is the threshold? it's got like, 10 votes now. And it's not 1 vote...so is it like 3 or 5 votes? :rainbowhuh:
Weird. well thanks for clearing that up!

6528174
It's something new that got installed onto Fimfiction relatively recently. Basically, a story that has less than a certain number of votes will not show its rating (that way new stories have a chance, even if their first vote is a downvote). I think the threshold is around 7-10, but I can't say for certain.

You're welcome! It is a bit confusing without context, haha.

6528166
You're welcome! ^-^ I hope I didn't sound like I was dictating to you.
I know what you mean about having multiple projects, haha. *looks at pile of unfinished paintings*

6528209 Naw, I appreciate the feedback! In fact I saved a copy of your comment into the "new chapter" section so if I do return to this, it's there! :D

6528263
I'm glad I could be of any help, even if just with ideas!

6528174
6528204
The vote threshold is 10 votes total. Here's the relevant site post. Hope this helps. :twilightsmile:

Very sweet! Thumbs up! :pinkiehappy:

6528269 Okay, I edited and expanded it! It's almost twice it's original length. I still think it's not perfect, but I rather like how it turned out. Thank you for all your input!

This is one of the few times in any fanfiction I've read where an angry Pinkie actually seemed to be in character and was well written. Most times I keep thinking that if it was animated, Pinkie will just wink at the camera and then overact her lines. Here? It felt real and justified.

That....honestly one hell of an accomplishment.

HiddenMaster out.

Aww, this is rather sweet.

I will admit that a little bit of the dialogue with the Cakes feels a little forced, and it is somewhat choppy, but the backstory revealed here is rather tragic and, unfortunately, fitting for the human world.

Is it perfect? No, but I would say this is still a satisfying conclusion. And I wouldn't change a damn thing about Pinkie and Maud's conversation at the end-that was just a lovely way to end everything here.

HiddenMaster out.

How did I mess this up that badly?

you ask well let me explain trash in the kitchen don't see it well because you threw away the note it would still be there you should have burnt the note no traces of it but ash and less propane in the blow torch or for less fun people lighters

Finally, a story where the feelings are real. Great work!

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