Everything is dark. My eyelids are like lead weights as I force them open.
I'm in the penthouse bedroom. Chrysalis isn't here. Neither is Mangus or Beakbreaker.
All is quiet.
I struggle to get out of bed, but instead of silently sliding out from between the sheets, I collapse to the floor with a loud thud.
I tense up.
No one comes in.
Lurching to my hooves, I grab the phone. Confound it, I don't know the number for Canterlot! I'll have to try the operat-
There's no dial tone.
I check the back of the phone and... Buck! The cable's been cut! Okay, okay, I can't panic. I'll head next door and use their phone.
Heading to the door, I crack it open and sneak into the living room.
“Good evening, my servant. You slept well, I hope?”
Chrysalis lounges on the sofa with a glass of sparkling champagne in her hoof, along with six Royal Guards from Canterlot. They rush over and surround me.
“These are your new guards,” Chrysalis says. “Your 'Princess' was kind enough to send them to protect you. After all, you are very valuable.”
At first glance, no one would be able to tell that these guards are imposters. But their eyes are like beasts, filled with a ferocity begging to be let out.
Chrysalis grins as green magic envelops and transforms her into the splitting image of Stonehoof. “Come, servant. It's time to get my crystal.”
The guards march, forcing me to keep pace, their angry glares leaving no doubt that they'll make things painful if I don't cooperate.
Chrysalis leads our group into the hall. “I don't need to remind you what should happen if you attract unwanted attention,” she says.
“Silverspeak!”
Beakbreaker! I turn as she jogs up behind us, and for a moment I forget all about Chrysalis and her schemes. Beakbreaker's alive, and with no sign of being the worse for wear. There's no trace of a cut across her flank, or any sign that she recalls anything that happened last night.
“Silverspeak cannot talk now,” Chrysalis says, her voice a perfect imitation of Stonehoof. “Must go-”
“He asked me to give him an update on his parents,” Beakbreaker says. “Surely he has time enough for that.”
My parents! They're here! Oh, thanks Celestia! I almost collapse to the floor and... Wait. I didn't ask Beakbreaker to give me updates on-
Oh no... There's a Changeling running round pretending to be me!
“Silverspeak, you okay?”
Chrysalis glares at me, her message clear: give away the deception, and Beakbreaker won't make it out of this hallway alive.
“Yes,” I say, forcing myself to pretend I know all about what she and I have been doing. “Just realized there was something I had to do earlier; been a busy day, you know.”
“Tell me about it. Anyway, the docs wanted me to let you know that the implants have been a complete success! They'll stay in recover overnight, but they should be much better tomorrow... Hey, you okay? I thought you'd be happy to hear that.”
I smile. “Oh, I'm just tired. That's all.”
“Well, you'll feel better after dinner. You did make those reservations, right?”
“Oh, uhh... Of course! I'll double check with Glasseye to see if he can pull a string or two to get us a good table."
Beakbreaker's confused. “You already did that.”
The guards tense up.
“Yes, yes," I quickly say. "But something came up. One rich couple had the gall to reserve the executive table. That threw things out of sync.”
“Oh... well, we could always eat somewhere else. Or at a less expensive table. After all, it's just a meal." Beakbreaker eyes the guards, unaware that the Queen of the Changelings is only a few feet away. “Please tell me they won't be hounding us while we eat.”
“I'm afraid so,” I say. “Luna's orders. They're here to keep me safe.”
“Well, could you have them be a little less pushy? Just because they're guarding you doesn't mean they have to be jerks to everyone else; Glasseye's been getting complaints all day long.”
“I'll make sure of it.”
Beakbreaker nods. “Alright. So, I'll meet you here in about an hour... Deal?”
I nod, even as I realize that it's probably not going to be me she'll be meeting.
“Alright then! And who knows? You might still have time to finish up that thing you needed to do.”
“We must go,” Chrysalis growls.
Beakbreaker glares at Chrysalis. “Fine." Then, to me, “See you later, Silverspeak!”
No! I can't let her get away! This is my only chance to let her know that something's wrong! I have to warn her, but how? I have to... Wait!
“Oh, Beakbreaker?”
Beakbreaker stops halfway down the hall. “Yes?”
Chrysalis glares at me once again.
“Almost forgot to ask... what's our password?”
Beakbreaker comes back. "Zebra grass," she whispers.
“Thanks," I say. "Just wanted to be sure." I turn on my charm to the lowest possible strength, the one I use when I only want to nudge things a certain way instead of trying to force someone to do what I want. “We should keep asking each other every now and then, just to be on the safe side.”
“I will.” Beakbreaker says. If my charm affected her, she's not showing it as she checks her watch. “Well, I'd better go get ready. See you in an hour!" She jogs down the hall. “Don't keep me waiting!”
I keep up my fake smile. “I won't.”
Beakbreaker turns a corner and vanishes.
Chrysalis is instantly in my face. “Your password. Give it to me. Now.”
“Luna's Majestic Night,” I say.
Chrysalis grins. “Your doppelganger will be pleased to hear it.”
I want to grin back, but I restrain myself.
The guards surround me once again, and I'm forced to follow them and Chrysalis down the hall. She shows no sign of realizing I used my charm, thank Celestia. I just hope Beakbreaker will realize what's going on when my doppelganger gives her the wrong password.
We reach an executive elevator, one reserved only for high-ranking TechInc personnel and guests. Chrysalis summons it, and we get inside as the doors part, and then close with a heavy thud as she sends us down.
“The time has come for you to fulfill your purpose, servant.”
***
The elevator ride down into Genesis' foundations takes several minutes.
“When we arrive, you will go to the vault,” Chrysalis says. “There you will persuade the guards that they are no longer necessary. Once they've been dealt with, you will open the vault.”
“And if I don't?”
“Then you will never see your parents or your zebra friend again.”
The elevator continues down.
The guards fidget, eager for a fight. Even Chrysalis has trouble staying composed.
“You're responsible for the deaths of thousands,” I say. “You know that, don't you?”
“And what if I am?”
“It didn't have to be like this." I turn on my charm, keeping it about mid-strength. “Even now you could stop all this. Explain why you did it. and we could help you.”
“Try your charm on me again, and I'll have your doppelganger stab your marefriend's eyes out.”
I go silent.
Chrysalis studies me. “Even now, when things are at their worst, you try to stop me, to get what you want... to save your family. In a way, you and I are not so different, pony.”
“I'm nothing like you.”
Chrysalis chuckles. “Are you? You were willing to do whatever was needed to get what you wanted. So did I. You're willing to do whatever is necessary to save those you love... as do I.”
“I don't murder thousands to get what I want.”
"Which is why you will never win. You don't have the strength to do what others won't."
The elevator eases to a stop. The doors slide open to reveal the tunnel leading to the crystal chamber. Fifteen other changelings wait for us, not bothering to disguise themselves upon seeing their queen.
“Go on, my servant,” Chrysalis says. “Lead the way.”
I do so, going as slowly as I can manage.
We reach the junction leading to the vault. I can hear small talk ahead.
“Promise me you won't kill the guards,” I say.
“You're in no position to demand anything."
Chrysalis kicks me into the junction. It's difficult to walk into the hall and past the guards on duty. The two that were talking among themselves go silent as I pass. Dozens of eyes follow me as I head to the vault, where Captain Shield Bearer's surprised to see me.
“Silverspeak. We weren't aware you would be visiting us.”
I've never wanted anything more than to not use my charm as I focus it to maximum power. “I am here to change the password, Captain."
Shield Bearer sees nothing wrong with my request. It's the usual time to do so, so she leads me to the massive gates and stands aside as I go to the lock and enter the code one tumbler at a time. I try to keep my mind empty, to not think of the guards around me. They're all just trying to do their job, trying to keep Equestria and their families safe-
A loud click, and the massive bolts slide back, unlocking the vault.
"Very good," Shield Bearer says. "Enter the new code, and we'll-”
She's hit by a magic blast.
I squeeze my eyes shut as a battle rages around me, trying desperately not to listen to the screams of pain and fear.
Then, ass quickly as it began, the fighting ends.
The hall goes silent.
Blood pools around my hooves.
Chrysalis kicks Shield Bearer's mangled body aside as she walks to me. “Well done.” Shoving me aside, she yanks the vault door open, revealing the Control Crystal floating inside, silently waiting for someone to utilize its powers.
Guards surround me as Chrysalis walks inside and places her hoof upon the crystal's surface. It glows, energy swirling within. Closing her eyes, Chrysalis loses herself in feeling that power.
“My servant has served his purpose,” Chrysalis says. “He needs a nice and quiet cell in the dungeon to rest.”
Spears are pressed into my skin.
“Tartarus will one day welcome you with open arms." I growl.
Chrysalis smiles. “Not likely.”
The guards force me down the hall, away from Chrysalis, the vault, and the crystal that will soon turn all of Equestria into a living nightmare.
***
The smell of blood soaks the air as I'm forced into the cell block. Changelings are already at work dragging bodies of the guards away while taking their armor for themselves. I barely have time to look before my guards shove me into the main hallway and to Mangus' empty cell. I'm forced inside, and the door's slammed shut behind me. As the locks are engaged, I see someone else being dragged down the hall.
“Unhand me you disgusting creatures!” Glasseye shouts as he's shoved into a cell across from mine. He struggles to his hooves as the door is shut and locked. “Come back here! I demand that you release me at once!"
The guards ignore him as they leave.
“Accursed imbeciles! I... Silverspeak?! What are you doing down here?!”
I can barely stand to look at him. “Guess.”
"They got you, too?"
I slump on the bunk. "It's a long story. How did they get you?"
"They swarmed my office and dragged me down here! But why?"
"Because we need you out of the way, that's why."
I turn as an all-too familiar face strolls into the hall with a small army of changelings at his back.
“Mangus!? You're behind this?!” Glasseye yells.
Mangus chuckles. “Guilty as charged.”
“Mark my words, when I get out of here-”
“You won't be getting out of here. And if you could, it won't make any difference, you old fool. Your double should be making his first orders right about now. He'll have your company's best secrets, technologies, and workers moved off this city.”
Glasseye can barely keep himself under control. “Stonehoof will stop you! She'll figure out that-”
“The real Stonehoof is lying in a shallow grave down in Saddle Lanka's forests. Her replacement, Queen Chrysalis, could care less that you're down here.”
All the color drains from Glassseye's face.
“Someone will find out,” I say. I'm not just going to stand here and listen to Mangus gloat.
“Who? Your little zebra friend? She's having the time of her life having dinner with you right now.”
I try to shove the image aside. “Then why have you come here? To gloat?”
“Of course! But also to thank you both for all your help." Mangus shakes his head. "You know, it really is amazing that this whole plan has gone so well so far. So many things had to fall into place: Queen Chrysalis disguises herself as the Saddle Arabian monarch after disposing of her, visits the Canterlot dungeons looking for someone who can help her bring Equestria down from the inside, and then finds me. And then she convinces Princess Luna to send me here, where you just happen to show up. When you put all the pieces together, it's like the universe wanted this to happen, which means that it wanted you to be here, at my mercy."
A changeling comes forward and gives Mangus a box. Yanking the lid off, he pulls out the bronze scepter from the special projects division. "Chrysalis saw this when investigating the city and figured it would be a fitting reward for her loyal servant. All I have to do is think what spell I want to cast, and it does so."
He closes his eyes. The gem glows and levitates Mangus a few feet off the ground.
“Cool, huh?”
“A just reward for a traitor,” I say.
“Traitor? To what? A kingdom that forces everyone to remain the way they are? Never allowing them to change?" Mangus chuckles as his hooves touch concrete once more. “This is about returning our world to its natural state, a state where everyone can go as far as they want, and do whatever they want. The strong vs. the weak. The powerful claiming what is rightly theirs: I'll be in charge of managing those who survive the coming purge. They'll become food for the changelings. We'll use that crystal to cast spells that let us control everyone's minds so they'll so full of love, and so eager to share it."
“You can't control everyone," I say. "They'll resist you."
Mangus laughs. “You can't stop what's coming. It's inevitable." He smiles, a jeer of satisfaction and power. It's a smile without any compassion, warmth, or kindness.
It's a smile from someone who's never known any of those things.
And in a flash, a heartbeat, a single moment of clarity, the truth hits me.
“This isn't about making things right," I say. "It's all about you. You're a bully taking revenge on everyone who ever stood up to you.”
Mangus chuckles. “So says the pony who tried to become a god.”
“Only because I wanted to better myself! You just want power, and you don't care how you're going to get it." I shake my head. “I always thought you were a bully, Mangus, but now I see how wrong I was. You're aren't a bully. You're not even a spoiled brat. You know what you are? You're a psychopath. You've been one since the moment you were born. Now I know why your parents abandoned you: they finally realized this is what you'll always be: a cold, sadistic pony who only wants power over others, no matter the cost.”
Silence fills the hall. Even the changelings wait to see what happens.
Mangus is silent as he stares at me. I may have made a fatal mistake by infuriating my jailer, but I don't care. Any second now he's going to launch into a lecture on how wrong I am, or go onto one of those temper tantrums of his.
But he doesn't.
He smiles.
“You know what, Silverspeak? You're right. No point in denying it: I love the idea of watching you suffer. And that in less than a week I'll sit by Chrysalis' side, finally able to do everything I've always wanted."
Mangus walks to my cell, looking me over like a cat eyeing a mouse in a cage. “I already punished my parents. I wiped them off the face of this earth back in Saddle Lanka. I'll punish the Princesses for locking me away. I'll punish the Bearers for turning me to stone, and I'll punish everyone who ever tried to stop me from claiming what's mine... but you? I'll take everything from you. You family, your loved ones, everything. And I'll save you for last, so that before I destroy your mind, you can watch everyone you love be turned into mindless cattle.”
I slam my hooves into the plexiglass with all of my strength. “You want promises? Then I make this one: I'm going to kill you. No matter how long it takes, I. Will. Kill you.”
The hall goes silent.
Mangus chuckles. “Keep telling yourself that." Stepping away from my cell, Mangus turns to Glasseye. “It's going to take some time to move all your plans, equipment, and important personnel onto my ship. But don't worry; when I'm done, I'll come back for both of you. In the meantime, enjoy the peace and quiet. It's the last time you'll ever enjoy it.”
That quiet descends upon the hall as the main doors are shut, leaving Glasseye and myself alone in our cells.
***
I lose track of how long we sit in the all-consuming silence. There are no clocks here to tell us the time. There are no windows to let in the morning sun and the night sky, only artificial lights that always remain on. Such conditions would eventually drive a prisoner mad. Given time, it would drive me mad. But it won't. I'm too focused on figuring out how to escape this cell. It keeps me from thinking about what Mangus and Chrysalis are doing in the city above me, where I can't protect those I love. I go over the cell a dozen times, looking for cracks, chips in the walls, anything I can exploit. But there's nothing. It's too solid, too well built for a single pony to break out of on his or her own.
“Glasseye, is there any way out of these cells? A secret passage a switch, anything?”
Glasseye doesn't answer. He's barely moved since Mangus left.
“Glasseye, I'm sorry about Stonehoof, I really am, but if we don't get out of here a lot more ponies are going to die.”
The leader of TechInc turns to me. “How... how did I miss the signs? I should have figured out what was going on.”
“You couldn't have. You couldn't have stopped this.”
“But I could have! If only the sensors had been more refined, more calibrated, I could have-”
“Glasseye, focus! We have to get out of here. If we don't, Queen Chrysalis is going to use the Control Crystal to-”
“Wait, what? You don't mean-”
I nod. “She's on Genesis. She has the Crystal, and she's going to take over the minds of everyone in Equestria.”
“But... but how?! The Crystal's defenses were-”
“I did it, Glasseye." It hurts to admit it, but I can't leave him in the dark about what's happening. “I let her in. She threatened to torture Beakbreaker and my parents unless I cooperated." I survey my cell again, trying to find a weak spot. "Now, can we get out of here?”
Glasseye doesn't answer, struggling to process everything I've just told him.
“Glasseye!”
“We... We can't. We built these cells in the city's bedrock and made sure each cell was escape proof.”
“What about magic? Can't you teleport out of there?”
“The walls and doors are lined with anti-magic spells.”
Buck!
Glasseye tries to smile. “Cheer up, my good lad. Someone's bound to notice that our doppelgangers aren't ourselves, put two and two together, and raise the alarm.”
He coughs.
“Someone will realize something's-"
He coughs again, but more violently. He tries to wipe his mouth so as to not attract attention, but he can't hide the blood on his hoof.
“Glasseye?”
It takes a few moments for Glasseye to stop his coughing. “It's my medicine," he says. "I wasn't able to take a shot before the changelings snatched me...”
Glasseye coughs again, and this time he can't stop.
Celestia, there's got to be a way out of here! But how? We can't use our magic, and at this point we can't hope on anyone else coming to our rescue-
Wait...
“Glasseye, I think I've got a plan.”
“I'm... all ears,” he coughs.
“I think our best chance to get out of here is when Mangus comes back to get us. He and his goons are going to get us out of these cells. When that happens, you need to pretend to have a heart attack, a stroke, anything. Fall and make as much noise as you can. Distract Mangus long enough for me to leap forward and break his neck.”
Though his coughs, Glasseye manages to smile. “Simple... but what if he has us restrained? Or if he uses magic to get us out?”
I shake my head. “Then we're screwed.”
Glasseye nods, and it seems our plan is finalized. If I can take Mangus out quickly, the changelings will be disoriented and unsure what to do; with all the adrenaline flowing, and knowing what'll happen to Beakbreaker and my parents if we fail, taking them out should be relatively straightforward.
All we can do now is wait.
***
Time passes. I wait. So does Glasseye. If I didn't have a plan on what to do when the time comes, I'd go mad from fear. But even with a plan of action, doubt still creeps in. What if Mangus decides to take the safe way out and make sure I can't hurt him? He knows I'll try to attack him. He'll probably threaten to torture Beakbreaker and my parents, though that only gives me more incentive to kill him. But if I fail, he'll go through on his promise-
I shake my head. I've got to focus. Just get out of the cell and kill Mangus. That's all I have to do.
The silence is broken by an elevator opening. Hoofsteps echo through the hall.
Glasseye looks up.
This is it.
Several changelings walk past our cells and take up positions as Mangus finally makes his appearance, now wearing my suit of armor, complete with those leg blasters.
“Well, we're all packed and ready to depart,” Mangus says, “and you two get free seats on my ship. Your parents are already on board, Silverspeak. I'm sure you're eager to see them, so just come along nice and slow, and you might make it aboard in one piece.”
“Where's Beakbreaker?” I ask.
“Oh, she'll be along soon enough.”
The changelings open the door to my cell.
“Now, be a good little pony and come along.”
The changelings open Glasseye's cell door. I take my time getting up, trying to not look in Glasseye's direction as he wobbles to his feet. I hope that's an act.
“You want me to come in and drag you out?” Mangus asks. “I'd be happy to.”
I leave the cell. Changelings surround me, their spears at the ready. Tartarus; I had hoped they wouldn't have the weapons. No time for that now; all that matters is Mangus. Kill him, and the changelings will be too stunned to react right away.
Glasseye exits his cell.
Come on...
“Well, let's get going. Don't want to-”
Glasseye stops. He coughs, chokes, and gives an ear-splitting screech as he grabs his chest and falls.
Every changeling spins to see what the problem is. So, too, does Mangus, taking his eyes off me for a split second.
A second is all I need.
I hurl myself at Mangus, screaming to psyche myself up as I rear back for a killing blow, tendons and muscles stretched to the breaking point.
Mangus hears me coming and turns, but I'm too close for him to swing his scepter or blast me with his magic.
Yes!
Something hits me in the chest and shoves me aside.
No!
I hit the floor. Something wet splashes my legs. Blood. My blood. One of the changelings stabbed me. But I don't feel it; I see the wound, but it doesn't register. I can't think about it. I leap back up, but the changelings pile onto me.
No, no, no!
I lash out, kicking and punching as hard and as fast as I can. I've got to get to Mangus, got to get him before it's too-
A flash of blue light blasts the changelings across the hall. No longer acting, Glasseye charges Mangus, firing again and again. Mangus conjures a shield, forced to go on the defensive as Glasseye tries to overwhelm him with magic. The changelings who haven't been blasted unconscious hesitate, torn between helping Mangus and fighting me. I take that opportunity to grab a spear and skewer the closest changeling, yelling as I yank it free and stab another in the neck.
Glasseye's shots force Mangus to the gate, where he fires one enormous blast that nearly shatters Mangus' shield, knocking him onto his back.
“Glasseye, now!” I yell. He has a single moment in which he fire the spell that will end Mangus... But he doesn't take it. He can't. He's panting. Glasseye's not a young pony anymore, and firing those spells has drained him. The last one has brought him to the point of exhaustion. But he breathes deep, readying himself for that last strike, that last blow.
Leaping up, Mangus fires a blast from his scepter, and Glasseye's hurled through the air, smashing into a wall with a loud crack and then to the floor with a pained cry.
“Glasseye!" Kicking the closest changeling away, I hurl my spear towards Mangus, but he deflects it with a spell and fires another. An invisible force hits me like a runaway train and hammers me into the wall so hard that I can't breathe as I collapse.
Mangus floats Glasseye into the air, where he tries to break free, firing off another shot. Mangus sweats as he conjures a spell.
I... I have to hit him when his back is turned, when he's too focused on the spells.
Mangus shakes his scepter, snapping a barbed spike into place at its bottom.
A swing, and the barb is plunged deep into Glasseye's chest.
“No!”
I can barely feel my body as Mangus knocks me away with another blast, spraying Glasseye's blood across the wall as the scepter's yanked free. But I don't hit the wall. I'm stopped in mid-air, left to struggle as Mangus walks towards me.
“Should have known you'd try something like this,” Mangus growls. “You know something, Silverspeak? You're more trouble than you're worth.”
He thrusts the scepter forward, and my entire body locks up.
No! No, no, no! Mom, Dad, Beakbreaker, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I wasn't-
The pressure around me builds. It grows; oh Celestia, he's going to crush me! Wait... wait, the pressure. It's stopped. No, it's still going, but only around my... my...
My nec-
A snap.
Pain. Pain, all consuming pain, searing, burning, a red-hot axe in my neck... and then it's gone.
I plunge to the floor in a heap.
Mangus looks me over.
The plunges the barbed spike into me.
I shriek and squeeze my eyes shut... But there's no pain. Did he miss? I look bac-
The scepter's embedded in my thigh. Blood trickles out, but there's no pain, even as Mangus twists his scepter out, dragging blood and skin with it. Mangus stabs me again and again; I want to scream, but there's still no pain, or even feeling.
I can't feel the spike.
I... I can't feel my body!
I try to kick my legs. They don't move. I try to lift my body, to turn, to twist, to thrash about.
A force I can't feel drags me across the floor and back into the cell. Glasseye's dragged in moments later. The door is swung shut, and Mangus casts a spell on it, the edges burning hot, the light momentarily blinding me before fading away to reveal edges that have been welded together.
“I would have enjoyed making you squirm,” Mangus says. “I would have loved cutting you open, piece by piece, but I'll leave you here, instead. If you're lucky, you'll bleed to death. If not... Well..." He smiles. “You'll find out soon enough. But either way, you can die knowing that because you were stupid enough to try and kill me, I'll make your family's deaths nice and slow.”
He backs up. The scepter goes up, and a spell shatters the light above me. Another spell and a light dies in the hallway. Then another, and another, until only a single light remains, illuminating Mangus as he glares at me.
“Goodbye, Silverspeak. And good riddance.”
He leaves the light and melts into the dark.
A moment later, and a spell destroys the light, plunging everything into a silent, all-consuming darkness.
moar??
Ho...ly... shit... Things are getting hopeless now... Poor Silver got paralyzed.
And it continues. Crippling him just makes it all the less likely things will progress logically. More than likely ou are just gonna have chrysalis somehow just WIN it all and take over. Have silverspeak be a cyborg, as the picture implies, Do some kind of rebellion perhaps.
These choices just make each coming chapter worse. Especially when we have all this grimdark stuff like crippling silverspeak, killing glasseye, somehow mangus still being about, and the illogical mind control chips. Every single bit of this is because you made luna do something as stupid as enlisting mangus to help. There are no circumstances where anyone, luna or celestia, would have let him loose.
Also i cry foul at the idea that he could master that alternative to his horn fast enough to defeat them like that. Just another check on a list of contrivances. And something the solely exists for this purpose.
Just can't wrap my head around why you made the decision for the story. I don't want to make a negative statement each chapter here, but the events of this one simply make the issue that is mangus' presence all the more apparent. It just is not working on any level here. It makes me not want to read the next chapter cause i know things will just end with chrysalis winning or some massive contrivance. And worse, she is winning because of utter plot convenience! I can say that this chapter just made it worse, rather than turn anything around.
6845648
Luna allowed Mangus to hep because she wanted to see him at least partially redeem himself before being banished and being permanently out of Equestria's hair, so to speak. Also remember that he was to always be kept under strict supervision, and that any attempt at evil on his part would result in him being locked up again with no second chances. Because Equestrians seem to believe that anyone can be redeemed, I imagine Luna and Celestia would be willing to grant even the most hardened criminal a chance to turn themselves around, especially if it helped others in the process, which is why Luna was willing to give Mangus the chance.
6845789 Few, if any, of the villains before hand MURDERED several people, let alone hundreds and destroyed a large chunk of a populated city. And they know his mind and thoughts. They read it. And even if they wanted to redeem him, there is no time more inappropriate than during a war.
So no, it doesn't work. They know how deep his evil goes, it is during a time of war, and he has no qualities that would serve the war effort since he lost his horn. Hell luna of all people would know, cause she is the one that scanned his memories.
There is a difference between belief and ignorance. Celestia did not let Discord free without plans in place and without knowing Discord's weakness. And Discord himself also was not a murderous monster, just a powerful creature of mischief. Magnus did not have his horn but they knew he was too evil to just suddenly want a change of heart. And even if he did, they would not do so in a time he could compromise the effort. They would do charity or something, not put a cripple evil unicorn into the front lines. THEY would know his intentions. And someone pointed this out a long time ago.
The problem is that it is compeltely in Lunas power to use magic against him in some way, hell mabye in ways without him knowing it. And yet you intentionally make her use non of it so this will happen.
The fact he is the reason you are making equestria lose is what makes it such a bad thing. It has to do with a msitake that luna would not make. And it is jsut one of many 'conveniences' for the villains to use. There are jsut far too many harmful plot elements that do not come together in a cohesive way. So it leaves me unable to actually buy this would even be happening.
To simplify it. you are asking your readers to believe that luna is so blind that she would actually risk the safety of other ponies by releasing mangus, let alone have him part of this project. Especially without any magic to keep him in line. It is simply artificial. Just as artificial as even adding that damn scepter to make sure bucky cannot just kill him. Its sole existence is to create this scenaroi. And honestly, it makes no sense that all of the sudden such a tool exists.
Prediction: Silverspeak will get the prototype prosthetic body that was meant for Glasseye.
6846858 its not nitpicking dude. AT the very least not at this stage, where the issues i pointed out have come to fruition with their issues.
the entirety of the current situation would never have happened if Luna did not release mangus. I am pretty sure whatever system they use for redemption has 'has not murdered a lotta peoples' right at the top there.
There goes Silverspeak's last chance to escape, Equestria is doomed. DOOMED!
So I've been trying to really collect my thoughts on this story and why I feel it's falling short of where the first story came to, and I was re-reading this ( 6766672 ) post.
I think the problems you're identifying aren't really the problems with the story. The changeling threat was established very early on, and brought up regularly enough to build a good background tension. I liked that aspect. I also haven't seen much of a problem with Luna being his contact. It makes sense with what you've established, and it hasn't really had any negative impact on the story that I can think of. I don't think those are the problem.
I think the problem is that the plot hangs on one major event that doesn't really make sense.
The idea of implanting RFID chips in military ponies was a good one. Not perfect, the changelings can work around it, etc, but still a good security measure to consider. Then it immediately went to full brain-chips that could puppet the pony. I don't think there was a single reader who didn't absolutely know at that instant that it was going to be used by someone else to steal control of Equestria's military. When something is so readily apparent to the readers, but the characters with the same information appear to all but ignore it, it makes the characters look incompetent. They took basic precautions, but the concerns voiced were weak and easily brushed aside. We aren't shown any big debate over whether ponies would be willing to be puppeted; it looks like it was just decided that they would get the implants without even asking the ponies in question. When there aren't any strong objections shown to the idea of an implant that can override a pony's control of their own body, it makes it look like the story just decided it has to be this way because the plot can't exist without it. We were shown objections to much less ethically complicated technologies in the past of this series, after all.
But mostly, it's that nobody argued the possible risk of creating something that, while facing off against a massive changeling threat, would allow the entire military to be not just impaired or neutralized, but completely taken over by a single act of subterfuge. Especially when this was an "additional" feature that wasn't even needed, like the ability to tell ponies and changeling apart; that aspect seemed to simply came out of nowhere. Granted, it might be a hard act of subterfuge, but it added a risk of catastrophic failure for a questionable gain in combat efficiency (I don't recall soldier morale ever being cited as a significant weakness of the Equestrian military, which seems to have fought quite ferociously in the few encounters we've seen without any need for mind-control).
Given all that, I doubt anyone was surprised that someone was going to abuse the technology, as the story makes it seem that is its only reason to exist. The only question was who would abuse it, and the answer appears to be one of the two initially apparent threats: one was that Glasseye was really plotting against Equestria and would use it to take over, and the other was that the changelings would, naturally, use some agent to seize control.
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. It can be hard to lay out critique without coming across as hostile, and I'm sorry if this comes across. There's still a lot that I like about the story, but this one small-but-key element stands out to me as very problematic...
6847183 And you honestly don't question whether or not chrysalis could possibly HAVE the power to do that. Or that she, who tried to invade a city that had two alicorns in it and only overpowered one of them via sheer luck, would have the foresight that she obviously lacks?
Or that luna would become instantaneously suspicious that for some reason she could not detect bucky's dream? Seriously, that shoulda been a red alert that all of the sudden, bucky is blocked from her.
6848512 I could point out, and have, that Mangus is an equally obvious ploy in favor of the villains. There is no logical means he would be released, especially during a time of war. Or that luna would not have some means to cow him. His betrayal is predictable to the point that the characters shoulda have realized it from the start, and it is this betrayal that is really helping chrysalis out.
You basically stated the core issues of this story. That far too much of it is reliant on characters being incompetents and giving villains tools to use, no matter how illogical or out of nowhere they are. Giant dragons that, for some reason, make things sleep, sudden magic staves that somehow just exist now, the mentioned chips, being selective of if changeling detection actually works.
It is basically artificially setting up plot points rather than letting them form naturally. My logic is if something does not work without making one character an idiot, then it hsouldn't be implemented.
6848787
I actually don't have so much of a problem with Mangus being there. He's without his magic and was supposed to be under heavy guard at all times (Although they didn't entirely follow up on this, lightening the guard over time as he seemed well-behaved). It's a little questionable that he would be considered low-risk after Luna scanned his memories (I think? If so, I should note is different from scanning all aspects of his mind), but it's quite possible he did originally intend to behave, but then changed his mind as the situation changed. Or possibly he's under some sort of influence from Chrysalis.
I don't necessarily agree with the decision to use him, but it's not so egregious, and intelligent objections are addressed in the story. It also kind of fits in with the general pony mentality that even monsters can change their ways.
It's also a bit early to be declaring Luna's lack of reaction to be an error. If she did notice his absence, it's unlikely we would have seen anything about that, yet. That critique strikes me as a bit preemptive.
The arch-dragon thing kind of rubs me the wrong way, too, but it remains to see how they end up being implemented. I'm rather wary, though.
6849015 The point i make is that non of the ivllains that have been reformed, had killed anyone or were exceptionally cruel. Nightmare moon was luna possessed, if by her own madness, but she only ever tried to slay celestia, and did not try to torment the ponies.
Discord himself never tried to take a single life at all, but his threat was him being apathetic and looving to fuck with people. Like a child with too much power.
In the more recent ones, if not applying to this story, STarlight glimmer was more or less just a normal pony. A powerful magic user, able to match twilight via magic skill, but someone who let a dark mindset rule her life, but was shaken out of it when she realized the consequences of her actions.
The pattern here is that those who are redeemed, were not murderous assholes that killed hundreds of people, mostly for fun and to show their power. Even tirek was no outright murderer, and his actions was to seek power. Ponies believe in redemption, but they are no fools. And only two years is FAR from a sufficient amount of time for anyone to think 'huh maybe he has changed his ways' or anything like that. Anyone who so willingly murdered and used black magic in such a cruel manner, is not going to be trusted.
So the events of him being released do not add up. There was a reason for his punishment, and for them to just let a guy who earned such a fate go cause he 'says' he wants to change is like letting Hannibal Lecter go for a midnight stroll because he 'says' he changed.
Ponies may be forgiving, but they are not idiots.
6849146
But at the same time, we also haven't seen the opposite side of that: we haven't seen any villains kill anyone (To our knowledge; though some can certainly be argued to have tried!), much less one be refused redemption. Your interpretation of it is a reasonable one, but not a conclusive one, as we lack any examples of the scenario in question.
They don't have to be idiots to do so, either. Humans have been capable of forgiving individuals who have killed many others, when those individuals have realized the errors of their ways. Perhaps not frequently or unanimously, but it has happened. Personally, I'd expect ponies to do no less.
But that's all misrepresenting the situation, anyway. I don't get the impression they're overlooking Magnus's crimes at all. "Forgiveness" doesn't really come into play, here. They're trying to make use of him, but they were keeping him closely under guard. I don't remember any mention of him being freed when this was done (I don't remember perfectly, but I think the deal was more along the lines of getting a less-unpleasant cell). He wasn't trusted, and he wasn't being released. At least, not until Silverspeak influenced things to support his own intended crimes...
6849405 We may not have examples of them killing, but that is largely because kid show i would guess. REgardless it would be more sensible to infer, in a world where even the villains do not kill that often, that when one does it takes notice.
Besides, they haven o use of him to begin with. He has no powers, and his attributes outsideo f his magic were meaningless at best. He was not portrayed as intelligent. Able to convince others and guileful, but not intelligent. Guy was a damn rentacop, security detail. Not someone you have near your major operations.
And therei s still the issue of there being no magic or enchantment on him in case this happened. And no, i would not buy Chrysalis has the magical competence to break it. Hell even if she did, it could alert Luna that something is amiss. Even that whole no dream scenario would make Luna personally suspicious, cause it would make so little sense for that to happen.
Simply put, luna herself would have visited Silverspeak. Either because someone is blocking magic, or she suspects he is dead.
Everything ahving to do with mangus is about him betraying them all like this rather than anything the characters would do. Luna saw the hatred and rage inside of him. At the very end of the last story, she saw it. He was dangerous. So how that leads to her releasing him makes no sense. At the very least she would avhe an actual plan here. Celestia had a plan when dealing with discord after all.
Yet there was non. And i think that is because it would itnerfere with him actually succeeding.
6849709 No examples of killing, yes, but we do have examples of slavery, crystal ponies anyone? Kinda like what Chrysalis is attempting to do now. Can anyone remember what happened to King Sombra? It's a running gag on the internet. It seems to me that the punishment correlates with whatever motives (primary goal) the villeins had. (also Tirek = Mangus)
But I give you this, the fact that we have to talk about it means Greeny messed up some elements of the story, on the other hand the story isn't done yet, so I try not to criticize it until I get the whole picture, there is still time for him to make some of these motives clear by having the characters talk about them.
6848787 Not really, it stands within reason that she'd be capable of blocking ponies from getting in contact with Luna while sleeping, also explains why other ponies can't be found like that. She doesn't necessarily need foresight, she could not even be aware that her spell spell has that fortunate side effect. On the other hand she's the changeling queen and she supposedly had/has a network of spies around the kingdom, so whatever secret abilities (that aren't that secret) the princesses have are very likely to be known to her.
Luna won't become aware of the block unless she actively tried to contact Silverspeak when he was under the effect of the sleep spell and even if she did it would take quite some time before she could take any action, at least that's what I was led to believe.
6850623 Though to be fair sombra's demise was kinda an accident persay.
Mangus is worse than Tirek even. Cruel and dangerous as tirek was, he was all business and did not cause overt suffering beyond the theft of magic.
Considering Silverspeak is such a crucial member of her efforts against the changelings, it is very likely Luna has tabs on him. And if she felt him vanish like that she would react swiftly. She is an alicorn. Celestia can freely teleport between ponyville and canterlot and their powers are on par to one another.
Also i really have to disagree on a wait and see mentality. If a story has really deep rooted issues, improvement becomes more and more unlikely. I have quite a few stories that ended up that way. You go in with a wait for it mentality and the issues and mistakes end up just piling onto each other.
At this point we have the illogical existence of mind control chips and mangus being released to begin with. And these are things essential to the direction the plot is going at this time. To the point that green shoved into an out of place staff replacement for mangus horn so silverspeak could not kill him.
Whelp, time to go and crawl to the machine, Silver. Who knows, you might just become another cyber-alicorn.
6848512
Do have to agree with this. Brain-chipping made it really obvious that someone was going to hijack them all, not to mention the fact that a press of a button would simultaneously disable the entire army. Seems really weak.
6850674
I feel the need to point out the qualifying conditions in that statement. Luna is likely to keep tabs on him. She would react if she notices his absence.
First, there's noticing that something is up. At the latest, she'll realize something is wrong when he stops sending updates, which are infrequent and, if I'm remembering right, unscheduled. How many days have to pass without contact for it to become suspicious? It's possible she might get suspicious about not being able to find his dreams, but how often has she sought him out? How close of tabs does she keep on a single pony in a "safe" place when there's a war going on in the rest of the kingdom? How many times has she visited his dreams, as opposed to being contacted by that orb? And how long would it have to be to decide it's not just another late-night study session keeping him from sleep and something more serious? She didn't send in the army when he stayed up late or had trouble sleeping.
And then there's the question of what her reaction would be, and how swiftly it would arrive on-scene, not to mention how Chrysalis's control over the Equestrian military could possibly negate several courses of action. And of course, Silverspeak is in a cell. If Luna were taking action, how would he (And by consequence, us) even know?
So yes, "wait and see". It's good to offer critique for things that have happened in the story, but criticizing it preemptively is completely unfair. Wait and see what the story does, and if it's flawed, then critique it. Offering some advice for future content can possibly help; complaining about a story not doing something before it has the chance to does not help.
As for the topic of Mangus, a lot gets said about Equestria's willingness to seek reformation (And that's even cited as part of the whole deal with Mangus), but it's also overlooking what was basically a sob-story from a foreign head of state that found sympathy for him. One that makes even more sense when it turns out to have been custom-tailored to take advantage of pony ways of thinking. All of that makes sense. After all, while humans tend to be big on the punishment and retribution side of justice, ponies are much more on the rehabilitation side. The only weakness I see in the whole thing is that the story doesn't establish how he's supposed to help, and therefor why he's there instead of simply being given to Saddle Arabia's Queen immediately. That's the only real hitch in the whole thing. While I'd certainly call that a flaw of the story (Of a similar vein as the brain-chip strangeness, if much lesser in scale), the rest of it works well enough.
6850674 Politics! Initially I thought the reason Mangus was left off so easily was because the princesses got to see how he thinks, thus felt pity for someone like him and they also had a very clear model of how he thought. So they could anticipate his future actions to a certain degree. But that all got derailed because Chrysalis caused him to deviate from that model by giving him the opportunity to truly satisfy his sadistic desires. Now I realize the reason all along was politics, it's so obvious. Luna had her hand forced by the monarch, who knows what he told her.
As 6849015 pointed out, Mangus was supposed to be without magic and under heavy guard at all times.
In total you have three reasons as to why the princesses let Mangus go. I for one don't need more.
The mind control chips, which actually just control emotions, emotions that can influence behavior of ponies to a certain degree were a desperate move on the behalf of the princesses, as they they were left with little other choices to make. In my opinion these have been told pretty solidly.
I feel like you got disappointed by a few plot developments and now you're nitpicking at every little thing.
Your lack of avatar made me suspicious, so I decided to take a look at your user page, turns out you have quite a history of being obsessively critical about stories and it has brought you a lot of dislikes. Could you please try to compromise and maybe look at things from more than one point of view?
6851615 you would think that luna would be able to quickly disillusion the saddle arabian by jsut showing him mangus's memories. basically make it completely transparent to her that he is lying through his teeth.
Or more accurately, realize that the monarch is a farce and thus either kill and or capture chrysalis then and there. The war would have ended the moment she demanded it.
the issue is the scale of the betrayal. he is basically winning this war for chrysalis, mangus.so it is equal to the mind chip thing in issue becuase of how tailored it is against the equestrians. as i said, there would be more appropriate methods and times to try and give him a chance. the method and time presented in the story are not convincing. It simply asks far too much from the readers to accept.
I will concede it is unfair to judge the whole before it is complete, but that does not make it inaccurate. I have seen this happen before. Early on i realize something is amiss with a story and concept, and as the story progresses, the issues i noticed became more and more relevant and distinct. The moment he introduced those sleep inducing dragons, i feared the story would continue to just give villains tools to win. And the story has done just that on multiple occasions. I made an admitably unfair judgement yet it turns out i judged accurately.
6851626 By all means that line of thought should have made luna extremely suspicious of that character's motives. All but demanding that a murderer be freed should have set off alarm bells in luna's mind, especially since changelings were involved in this conflict. Especially since there would be no logical amounts of sympathy for mangus. They are too experienced, seen too many ponies like him, to be so easily fooled.
So there is yet another flaw to the story. Luna would ahve become suspicious of this monarch if they started demand a notorious murderer be freed.
Mangus comment about the universe wanting this to happen is more meta than you realize. Mainly because it shows how transparent and implausible the plot is at this point. All these coincidences just for the villains? It is pretty much unacceptable. The 'universe', as in the writer, wanted this all to happen, thus forced it to happen regardless of character and logic. Basically it blatantly pointing out how utterly contrived this entire scenario has become.
You simply pointed out another flaw of it. That luna would have realized something was amiss.
Also you statement about not having an avatar and me being critical is beyond irrelevant here. It is simply you trying to find excuses to 'discredit' me because i and noticing an icnreasing number of holes in this story.
6851673
There was a chapter before that explained that the monarch "felt pity" for Mangus, thus asked that he be allowed to be banished to Saddle Arabia as a servant, with threat of being demoted to less than a slave if he does anything
Chryssy played on Luna's pity, which is a fairly obvious hole in her defense
all the same, Chryssy covered all bases by playing as a culture that would be very stern about the serving class, so as to ease any concern about Mangus escaping
also just noticed that someone made this same arguement before me to you, but i bothered typing, and copy pasting the qoutes, so have some more text-wall
6851651
Why would I think that? Luna and Celestia have hope that he might someday be convinced that his actions were wrong. That's kind of what ponies do. It's not necessarily going to be a quick and easy thing, and they're not putting any trust in him (His place in Saddle Arabia would give him no more freedom than he currently had, and the threat of even less). They would like the idea of him possibly reforming.
I could point out that showing the capacity for forgiveness and thinking well of others is hardly going to make Celestia and Luna, who embody those principles, suspicious of someone. Or I could point out that, even as suspicious and cynical as humans can be, I didn't see anyone suspect that the Saddle Arabian Queen was anyone but who she claimed she was. You might be able to look back with what we know now and see how it made sense, but I didn't see anyone, yourself included, suspect her before that reveal.
The lack of solid reason for him to be there is a flaw (What does he contribute that couldn't be achieved more easily and safely through other means?), but the rest of the events surrounding him are not. I'd prefer to focus on the parts that are actually problems than to indiscriminately label everything around those parts as part of the problem as well.
If you said that the flaws present in the story make you suspect that the rest of the story may have flaws, then that would be fair.
You instead said that the flaws present in the story make you know that one particular event will be handled poorly, then you're jumping the gun and making assumptions. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I suspect at this point, especially with how much it's been discussed, there is a good chance that your preemptive criticism will be wrong.
Pointing out potential flaws that could crop up later in the story can be helpful in avoiding them, but declaring something to be a flaw unfairly, before it has even had the chance to be shown, is only going to detract from the valid critiques. If done excessively, it puts people on the defensive and makes them more likely to react negatively to anything you say; it starts to look less like you're attacking the flaws, and more like you're attacking the person.
In short: critique, but be fair and polite about it.
6851626
Ehh... I disagree.
As to the scope of the brain-chips control, Silverspeak claims they can directly control the actions of the soldiers they've been implanted in. That was key to his plan, even. It's not solidly established as to what exactly they can do, so it's a bit unclear whether he's mistaken, or if we simply weren't told all of what the chips can do. I suspect we'll find out soon enough.
As for the decision to adopt them, I really disagree that they had little in the way of other options. A simple implanted RFID chip would be quick and easy to make and implant, possibly by orders of magnitude when compared to the complex and over-reaching brain-chip. That's simple tech we have nowadays, and well below the level of what they're making. Even if you just took the same tech necessary to implant the brain chip and replaced it with a simple RFID transmitter, that could make sense, and takes advantage of an existing development. But there is no established need for a chip that can exert such control over Equestria's soldiers. In the little fighting we saw, there were no apparent issues with morale; they fought very effectively. Why would this be such a desirable thing as to avoid any serious questioning or debate over its merits?
6851899
Using a situation in order to limit the choices other ponies can make in it. It's not mind control in the sense of 'turn right because I'm moving your body in that direction' but more like 'you're crippled by an irrational fear of moving in any other direction but to your right'.
Humans and by extension ponies are capable of doing things independent of their own emotions, we don't let ourselves be controlled by emotions because otherwise we wouldn't be any better than an animal. That's the reasoning behind what I stated.
Again, not area to control that control movement, but area that controls emotions.
Something like that was suggested by Silverspeak here.
But it's implied that they didn't have the time to develop that sort of tech and the brain chips already existed, they could do that and much more.
This would in essence permit even the most inexperienced soldier to deal with shell shock and whatever terror the changelings might try to inflict upon them.
Most stories (at least to some extent) have this part in which there is a point where everything seems lost just before everything turns around. There is even a name for it which I can't remeber from school. But I got to say, this got to be one of the worst situations the protagonist finds himself in, at least in what I have read/watched.
6852248
Silverspeak also says:
So he appears to consider it more than just emotional control. Assuming what he says is accurate, of course.
But really, the difference between puppeting someone and altering their emotions to the point where their only course of action is to do the one particular thing you want them to do is kind of semantics. It's pretty fair to call that mind-control.
You wouldn't need to develop any tech. If you've got the tech to implant these brain-chips, you've got the tech to make an inert implant that doesn't actually do anything. That's all they need. The original proposal was for something implanted inside the ponies that could be detected by a metal detector. Inserting a small piece of steel flush against a bone would accomplish the same task. Removing the mind-affecting components of the chip to insert as an empty plug would work, too. Any of those would be simple, and reduce complexity significantly. It also makes it much more reasonable to have produced and implanted so many of these devices in such a short period of time. And you don't even need the crystals.
The benefits of the brain chips might be useful, but not so much that they should immediately be accepted without any significant ethical opposition, or even anyone debating the merits of it. More importantly, those benefits have nothing to do with what they were looking for. It's not necessary, and significantly beyond the simpler solutions they have for the more pressing matter of positive ID of friendly forces. It even seems significantly beyond the role it is, itself, intended for; for example, what possible purpose could there be in inflicting fear in your own forces? Suppressing fear, sure, that can be useful. But suppressing or provoking most other emotions? Not really, no.
It makes the casual acceptance of this overreaching development, and the rushed deployment of an invasive surgical procedure, stand out as very questionable. It's introduction is practically a non-sequitur to the purpose they're looking for at the time, and it stands out as particularly odd when strenuous objections that have been raised in the past of the series to advancements with far less ethical issues.
Combined with the potential risk of catastrophic failure due to a single act of espionage, when facing a species that excels at such, it's even more questionable. The moment it showed up, we all knew someone was going to try to turn it against Equestria.
6852531
I've been reading your comments and ruminating on them for a while now, Phoenix_Dragon, and I think you do bring up some excellent points, especially regarding the chips being implanted to control ponies' emotions and how blindingly obvious it was that such a feature would be hijacked. Although I wanted to have a way for the changelings to gain the upper hand late in the war, this could have been handled a lot better, even though I tried to include some safeguards. In retrospect, I should have had the characters in-story realize how dangerous it was and take even more precautions, something I may add in via edits.
With regards to how there was little objection or discussion about implanting the chips and their acceptance, I did consider going into the moral aspect of it, but eventually I decided to focus more on Silverspeak's frustration with the slow implementation of a solution, and how he would eventually try to force a solution himself, and the consequences of such an act. part of this was also not wanting to do a repeat of the moral aspects discussed in the last story: namely, of ponies trying to become something they're not. I figured that Equestria would largely accept the chips because it was an issue of winning a war instead of individuals trying to gain power, and I also wanted to stress that their implementation was voluntary in both the civilian and military sectors. As hindsight is always 20/20, I now realize that it would have been more effective to focus on the issue of giving up rights in return of more safety and security instead of focusing on the idea of how far someone would go to protect those they loved.
And you don't need to worry about me being offended by your comments. You've clearly put a lot of thought and effort into them, and presented your issues in a constructive manner, which I appreciate very much, and they have made me think about what I could have done better, which I can subsequently apply to future stories, both on this site and elsewhere.
6848787
Although I can see where you've been coming from in your previous posts, LordOfMyth, I think this is the probably the best post at identifying the mistakes with the story, and I have to say that I agree with them. I could have implemented certain story threads and ideas much better than I have, especially the scepter, which I admit should have at least gotten a mention early on. I don't know how I missed that, but it should have been put in. In fact, that issue now bugs me so much that I hope to go back and edit it into the story to try and fix that issue.
With regards to coincidences and characters acting a certain way just so the story can happen... yes, it did happen, and should have been corrected in the outline before I began writing. This story has taught me the importance of making events feel logical in their flow, instead of happening because of an out-of-character moment by the established cast. And with regards to Mangus, I did emphasize in-story that he wouldn't be getting off, pardoned, or even set free, as John T. Smith pointed out in his comment. I knew that Bringing Mangus back as a villain was a risk, but I decided to take it, even if it hasn't worked out as well as it should.
Still, I want to emphasize that because the story is told entirely from Silverspeak's point of view, things happen off-screen that he is not aware of, but may become aware of later, such as why Luna apparently hasn't tried to contact him after his lack of updates.
6860352 at the very least, you should learn,.
that is more than most other writers.
I know I am a bit late to the party but I just wanted to add my thoughts too now that I have gotten around to reading this.
I also did not like the scepter, I think that he should have used one of the weapons that was on his suite instead of the scepter in the big fight. The scepter would still represent Mangus getting everything he wanted and undoing the damage Silverspeak had done but I think it felt a bit unnecessary and could have been replaced with one of Silverspeak's weapons.
6892549 Turn off tracking on your library, then turn it back on.
'the' is spelt wrong
6860477
Now I remember. You are the reason I stopped reading this a year ago. Not because you had any insight, but people like you kill any excitement others have. Even people on your profile can tell you're a worthless commentor.
Don't you mean Celestia
8980011
Fixed. Thanks!