Bonus Material - Original Outline with Commentary
The thought of doing a sequel to The Monster Below crossed my mind while still writing the original, which I had originally planned to be standalone and self-contained, but the thought of continuing Silverspeak’s story was exciting, and I immediately began brainstorming for what route it would take. Four ideas quickly took hold:
1. Silverspeak’s parents would die at the end.
2. Cyborg technology would play a large part, with Silverspeak becoming a cyborg himself.
3. There would be a changeling war.
4. Silverspeak and Beakbreaker would marry at the end.
I also had three parameters I wanted to follow:
1. No Deus Ex Machina at the climax.
A legitimate complaint many of my readers had with the first story was the Mane Six showed up to resolve Mangus and Silverspeak’s climactic duel for them (which had been planned from the beginning). For Nightfall, I decided to try the opposite and have a Diabolus Ex Machina in the form of Mangus killing Silverspeak’s parents, thus foiling his quest to save them, and forcing Silverspeak to learn that he can't always get what he wants... but he can move on and make the most of what he has.
2. Don’t repeat the same story.
The most important thing for me in doing Nightfall was to avoid a repeat of the original story. That is, have Silverspeak want to become an alicorn. I wanted to do something different and decided that having him work to stop a changeling war and save his parents from a terminal disease would work, with him becoming an alicorn cyborg being a bonus.
3. Explore the theme of How Far You Would Go To Save Those You Love
Where Silverspeak’s goal in the first story was to get what he wanted, having him focus on saving his loved ones seemed like a logical follow-up. To make it a little more complex, I also wanted to explore the idea that you can’t get everything you want out of life, and need to accept and adapt to that.
With those ideas and parameters in mind, I began to work on the outline. A few other big ideas appeared, but were ultimitely dropped. Among these were:
1. Several years pass between the two stories and having Silverspeak have a rival in the form of a hot young pony who was following his path and trying to become an alicorn. This pony would be TechInc’s spokespony and be far more aggressive and headstrong than Silverspeak had been, with Silverspeak trying to keep him from making his own mistakes, and the two eventually coming to a clash with Silverspeak surviving, and the younger pony dying after realizing that he had become a tool/weapon for the changelings.
2. A murder mystery, with Silverspeak being framed for killing someone and having to subsequently prove his innocence.
3. Silverspeak having a form of PTSD from the events of the first story, such as an intense fear of the dark after what happened beneath the Saddle Lanka mountains. A hint of this remains in the second chapter when Silverspeak gets a nightlight, but I decided that this subplot would overcrowd the others and removed it.
Eventually, this is the outline that was created before I started writing. As with the outline for the first story, my comments here are italicized. There were a lot of little changes, so I will instead be focus on the most noteworthy ones.
ACT 1
The story begins two years after the end of the first. Silverspeak is watching the moon from within his cell, and counts down the last ten minutes of his last day in prison. It's been a long journey, but he's now thinking about what he's going to do when he gets out: he's going to find a place to stay, then meet up with Beakbreaker, get his new job, and then try to get his parents to Canterlot.
(When I began writing, I realized there would be more emotional weight to having Silverspeak describe what it was like to go to prison and endure two years inside, instead of doing just a quick summary on the night of his release. This also gave me a chance to highlight how focusing on Beakbreaker got him through those two years, starting the subplot of Silverspeak working up the courage to ask Beakbreaker to marry him.
On the day I was going to post the first chapter, I realized that what was written, while satisfying, lacked a certain "oomph" to kickstart everything into high gear. Thus, in the span of a day, I quickly wrote a brand new opening to revisit the creature Silverspeak encountered in the mountains from the first story. I originally did not plan on bringing it back, but having the creature appear in a dream sequence was a good way to revisit it one last time.)
As midnight comes and goes, he's released to the lobby, where a royal guard waits. He seems unsure of who he's looking for, so Silverspeak offers his name. Seemingly recognizing it, the guard takes Silverspeak to an apartment that's been prepared for him...and then suddenly attacks him. When Silverspeak wakes, he finds himself halfway into a cocoon, with the guard revealing himself to be a changeling. Silverspeak manages to break free and stop him. He runs outside to spread the alarm, only to find other ponies battling the changelings, who are now in full retreat.
(I changed this scene so that the changeling lures Silverspeak away when he’s out of everyone else to create a stronger feeling of being isolated.
Shining Armor’s cameo was not in the original outline, but I figured it would be a good place to give him a short appearance; outside of Luna and the Mane Six, I wanted to limit the appearance of show ponies to focus on Silverspeak and those in his circle so as to avoid adding show characters just for the sake of having them appear. This was a moment where it felt natural, so he was put in, along with Donut Joe)
When he's finished, Silverspeak heads back to his apartment and meets up with his parents, who have come out to visit with him, and they're so excited that all four of them can be together again, including Beakbreaker. But when Silverspeak asks where she is, his parents show him a newspaper. Turns out that the day before the attack, Beakbreaker was recalled to Manehattan for an emergency meeting at Medicomp HQ. Silverspeak's disappointed, but figures that it can wait. Besides, his parents are unusually eager to spend time with him. Silverspeak doesn't know why, but decides it can't hurt.
The next morning, Silverspeak heads to the palace to report for his first day of work. He's scanned frequently, as the Changeling skirmish has spooked everyone, and everyone going into and out of the palace will have to be scanned frequently. He meets up with Princess Luna, who tells him to walk with her as she investigates the palace's security measures. Eager to meet Princess Celestia, Silverspeak asks where she is, but is disappointed to learn that she's off on diplomatic matters, and with the Changeling attack, she'll now be working on investigating it with some of the Bearers.
They head into the crystal caverns, and a meditation palace that was used long ago. Once inside, Princess Luna dismisses her guards and tells Silerspeak that while he now has a position within the castle, he won't be writing speeches just yet. Much has changed since the Manehattan incident, and that a new wave of artificial limbs have come onto the market. Considering what happened last time, Celestia and Luna want to keep an eye on it, but some of their agents, who have been sent to keep an eye on things have disappeared. There's going to be a science expo in the floating city of Genesis in two days' time, and Luna wants Silverspeak to go and investigate this new technology. She reveals that Equestria has been suffering from repeated Changeling attacks across the country, mostly in remote outposts. That fact has been kept under wraps so far, but the Changelings are getting bolder. They're testing Equestria's defenses, and that means only one thing: an invasion is coming. The technology being displayed in Genesis may be the only way to repeal it, but based on rumors she's heard, Luna thinks there's something fishy happening with the tech, so she wants Silverspeak to investigate. Silverspeak points out that he could be tempted by it. Luna says that he could, but he knows what can happen when something new can fall into the wrong hooves.
(The idea of missing agents was removed, as it would make TechInc too sinister.
When the story was being brainstormed, Genesis was originally going to be a floating city that constantly sailed across Equestria’s oceans, and would subsequently capsize and sink in the third act, forcing Silverspeak and Beakbreaker to fight their way out before drowning. However, while an advanced, floating city felt like a good way to explore new territory in the MLP universe, it didn’t feel quite exotic enough. Thus, it was changed to become a flying city instead, as I’ve always had a fondness for cities/castles/fortresses that float alongside the clouds. Part of this was to make Glasseye felt himself superior to everyone else and want a city to be above and away from the common folk. It didn’t take long to realize that would make him a bigoted prick, and was cut out.
When the chapter including Luna’s briefing was originally posted, the city was shown in a hologram as resembling a fortress, complete with gun turrets. However, this was changed while I was writing the next chapter, as again, it made TechInc too sinister. I wanted to create a company that, while reclusive, still has noble goals instead of, say, Umbrealla or Weyland-Yutani, who seemingly just want to kill everyone for money.
In another revision to the chapter after it was posted, I realized that, originally, there was a distinct lack of a central villain for Silverspeak to face, with Chrysalis’ involvement not being revealed until much later. Thus, I had her mentioned here to give Silverspeak someone he could focus against, instead of a Borg-like situation where there is no central antagonist for the hero to stop.)
On the following day, Silverspeak and his parents get into an airship and fly out to the southeastern coast of Equestria. En route, Silverspeak looks out at Equestria below, wondering what can be done to protect it against a full fledged invasion...especially Saddle Lanka and his parents. They reach the floating city of Genesis: an enormous tower of crystal, glass, and gears that's a hybrid of magic and technology. Once they arrive, Silverspeak uses his royal credentials to meet the city's mayor, and is surprised to learn that it's Glasseye from the first story. In the two years since the Manehattan incident, he founded his own company and has continued his own research into artificial limbs. Silverspeak wants to interview him, but Glasseye says that he has to head to the convention center. They can talk after the meeting.
(I liked writing Glasseye in the first story, and it felt logical for him to come back as the head of TechInc. In the final story, his appearance was moved to have him appear on the expo stage in order to make his entrance a surprise, and to have the revelation of cyborg limbs and an artificial eye be condensed together.
When writing this, I realized that I needed a way to set up Chrysalis sneaking into Genesis, and subsequently added Stonehoof to act as Glasseye’s personal guard who would later be killed and replaced by Chrysalis. The same happened for Onyx Shield, who acted as a sort of everyman who could assist Silverspeak and Beakbreaker when Glasseye couldn’t.)
Silverspeak and his parents (who are still desperate to be around him) get prime seats at the city's convention center, which reveals the company's biggest announcement: the company is now presenting cyborg limbs, unlike the organic limbs that Medicomp is making. Limbs that, if they become implemented across Equestria, could change their society forever. They can be used by ordinary ponies, but offer more advantages then Medicomp's limbs ever could: they're stronger, more durable, and if they're damaged, parts can easily be removed and replaced. Glasseye talks about how the technology could be used to help those who have lost their sight, such as him. He brings out his own model, who has had cyborg body parts attached, which awes the crowd. Silverspeak muses that he was once like the model, but he's glad he's no longer in the spotlight.
(When the idea of a rival for Silverspeak was cut, I thought about having a pony who could model TechInc’s advancements, but that was removed as well, as I wanted to stress that this technology is very much in its infancy, which would make Silverspeak’s cyborg transformation a huge event in Equestrian history.)
Towards the end, Silverspeak moves up to talk with Glasseye, but spots Beakbreaker. He immediately forgets about Glasseye, the forthcoming invasion, and everything else. She sees him too, but is too busy to get to him. She writes him a note and has a courier deliver it to him. It says for him to meet her at a restaurant after the convention. Silverspeak's parents urge him to go. He agrees.
That night, Silverspeak does exactly that, and meets Beakbreaker alone at a diner, similar to how they first met. They catch up on old times; while Beakbreaker did visit Silverspeak whenever she could, her duties for Medicomp have kept her tied up. Because of the time that's passed since their last visit, she proposes that they start over from scratch. A clean start. She admits that isn't entirely possible due to their past, but Silverspeak agrees to try.
(Beakbreaker was originally supposed to visit Silverspeak in prison, but this was changed so that their eventual meetup at the restaurant would have more of an emotional impact, and her decision to have their relationship have a fresh start, instead of trying to pick up where they left off two years prior.)
As the two depart to their respective hotel rooms, Silverspeak realizes that he has a chance to bring Beakbreaker into his family, and make them one big happy family. But the threat of an invasion lies on the horizon, and he realizes that if his dream is going to come true, he'll have to protect both his parents and Beakbreaker...no matter the cost.
ACT 2
The next day, Silverspeak meets with Glasseye again, who takes him through the company's R&D labs, showing off all the limbs and body parts they're making. Practically everything is in the works, save for a head, which is not replaceable. Silverspeak is impressed, but asks about any other applications. Glasseye says no, but Silverspeak detects that he's lying, and uses his talent to make him talk. Turns out there are military weapons being researched and developed, as well as very powerful limbs designed specifically for military use, including limb mounted shotguns that can shred anything to pieces. Silverspeak is shocked, but realizes that this could be the key to defeating the Changelings. Satisfied, he leaves, saying that he'll be giving his report to Princess Luna. Glasseye's surprised, but says he won't stop him. Best to let the princesses know.
(A lot of material was improvised in this section when writing: Like Silverspeak’s tour in the first story, I only had a vague idea of how to get from one story point to another. Some of the new ideas that came up included moving the shotgun to later (and foreshadow Mangus using them to fatally wound Silverspeak’s parents), adding camouflage suits for Mangus and Beakbreaker to sneak around in, the inaccurate changeling scanner to keep readers guessing about who was a changeling, a moment where Glasseye thanks a worker for her feedback to show that he’s not a cliched "profit above all else." boss, and the carnival and Soarin’s cameo. Though it would have been nice to see him and Silverspeak interact, it worked better to suggest Silverspeak was hearing the siren call of his old dream and work to resist it.
After some complaints about the horn from the first story and Mangus’ scepter appearing out of nowhere, I went back and added a scene strongly hinting that it’s being studied, as I should have originally done to foreshadow both.
Realizing that Silverspeak would need a way to ensure that his parents weren’t changelings, I added in the idea of using Quiverquill as a password, thus setting up the scene when his parents are replaced in Saddle Lanka.)
Silverspeak sends his report to Princess Luna, but she's surprised at these developments. Her previous agents gave no indication of military applications for the limbs. Thus, Silverspeak hosts a conference between Glasseye and Luna, and he breaks down, saying that a number of other militaries have learned about the limbs, and put in substantial amounts of money towards R&D in the hopes of getting them first. Shocked, Luna decides that the Equestrian armed forces have to get this technology as soon as possible. Her security advisers say that's a good idea, but they have to let the public know what's happening. Quietly, however, Luna asks Silverspeak to keep an eye on Glasseye and his young protege to make sure nothing's suspicious...but not to tell them about that.
(When I reached this point of the story, I realized that just showing Silverspeak the weapons TechInc have been developing wouldn’t work on a dramatic level. Coupled with the lack of action up to this point, I decided to bring the Guardians of Tradition back, along with the son of the heckler from the first story to show that events from the first book are still reverberating two years later. It also gave the opportunity for Silverspeak to show that he’s willing to kill someone to protect Beakbreaker, and to allow Glasseye the chance to do something heroic, as I wanted to show that while he is shrewd and profit-minded, he’s not a bad individual, and that includes making weapons of war for both profit, and to protect Equestrian society against what he saw was an inevitable conflict.)
The announcement goes out across Equestria about the possible Changeling threat, and that volunteers in the armed forces, in order to counter the threat, can be transformed into partial-cyborgs, as Changelings cannot impersonate non-organic matter. The public, understandably, gets very nervous. Many service members volunteer, and soon half the armed forces are full of cyborgs. Silverspeak watches them and is a little envious, because he realizes that if he had wings, shotgun legs, and even artificial horns, he could make a greater contribution to protecting his family. He considers asking Princess Luna if he could do so, but realizes that she would instantly realize what he was up to and say no, as he's not meant to be an Alicorn.
When Silverspeak meets Luna next, he gently probes her on that question, and she says that he can do the most good by using his talents for writing, and encouraging ponies to be steadfast, not to give in to fear, and to continue on as usual. But Silverspeak doesn't agree with her (though he doesn't say so). He wants to fight, especially upon learning that a few towns have gone completely silent. Luna fears that the Changelings are beginning their invasion.
News quickly spreads throughout Equestria, and ponies start to panic. They demand that Canterlot act. Enrollment in the armed forces skyrockets, and cyborgs become a common sight. But not everyone is convinced that this is a good idea. Some ponies believe that radically altering themselves to combat an enemy is not a good idea. After all, what's going to happen once the invasion is over?
(The biggest changes from the outline happened here, beginning with the implants. While having soldiers volunteer to get implanted to foil the changelings more easily sets up the army being controlled later on, I wanted to continue making Silverspeak the first true cyborg, and thus the idea of thousands of them – even if they were only partially changed – was dropped. Part of this was due to the realization that so many willingly getting cyborg limbs was unlikely, as it’s a huge sacrifice that can’t be undone. However, the idea of metallic implants to thwart the changelings was moved to appear later.
Mangus originally returned much later in the story, but I moved his appearance to this point so as to give him and Silverspeak time to interact, including making Mangus look like he was helping Silverspeak to try and make himself look good, but was secretly trying to push him into rushing out and doing something foolish, knowing that Silverspeak can do that when he’s desperate enough. I always intended to bring Mangus back to antagonize Silverspeak for this story, but some people questioned why he would ever be let out of jail; my thinking is that Equestrian society has a higher value on redemption than our justice systems; if Discord, a god of chaos who can and has warped reality and threatened the lives of millions could be redeemed, then so could Mangus. However, after his chapters were initially posted, I realized that he needed to face a future that wasn’t so rosy and added in additional material stating that even if he was freed, his life was never going to be easy or comfortable.
I added a subplot of going to the zebra homeland to rescue Beakbreaker’s parents, only to have them die so as to set up the duality of both Silverspeak and Beakbreaker losing their parents by the end of the story, and only having each other (it wasn’t until the story was completed that I realized that Silverspeak tried to comfort Beakbreaker by saying nothing could have been done to save her parents, only to have the situation reversed after his own parents died, which was not something I had planned on). As discussed here, the chapter originally included Silverspeak going with Beakbreaker to rescue her parents, but was cut because it felt like padding, and just hearing what’s going on allows the reader’s imagination to fill in the blanks.
One of the bigger issues with the story was Princess Celestia and the Bearers. Unlike the first story, I never planned for the Mane Six to appear, and the same went for Celestia, mainly because I wanted to keep the focus on Silverspeak and to make the threat of the changelings greater by having the show’s most powerful forces be captured and unable to fight back. The appearance of the arch-dragons (who I referenced a few times in the first story) served a dual purpose: the stakes were raised by introducing a new and powerful species of dragon powerful enough to capture Celestia and the Bearers, and kept both off-screen.
As I have said in a reply to one comment, Celestia is indeed more powerful than the dragons, and can easily defeat one in one-on-one combat, and several if she has time to prepare. But in my opinion, no matter how strong you are, you can still be taken down if your enemies catch you off guard.)
As Silverspeak travels to Saddle Lanka to visit his parents, he goes to one of the conventions that Glasseye and his protege are hosting. He talks to them both, and they're starting to have doubts about the whole thing. They want to keep developing the technology, but not for such violent uses. Silverspeak uses his talent and persuades them to keep going.
Just as the convention is finished, there's an attack on Saddle Lanka, which causes Silverspeak and Beakbreaker to shoot over. He fights several changelings, but is badly hurt in the process. Silverspeak's parents are fine, and are able to answer questions about Silverspeak's past, proving that they're real. While being treated for his wounds, Silverspeak realizes that even when he's present, he can't protect his family like he wants to. But he could if he became an Alicorn once again...
After being treated and released, Silverspeak has everyone enjoy a dinner together, the very first time all of them have done so since Silverspeak went into the mountains years ago, and have it in the garden Silverspeak's parents have been growing in the backyard. During dinner, they steer the conversation in the direction of Silverspeak and Beakbreaker possibly getting together. Silverspeak and Beakbreaker aren't entirely sure; while things have been going okay between them, there's still a lot they have to work through.
That night, Silverspeak and Beakbreaker realize that his parents seem to have some ulterior motive. Silverspeak heads into the garden, where his parents are sitting together and enjoying the presence of a rare green butterfly. They talk, and his parents reveal that shortly before Silverspeak was released from prison, they started experiencing some strange medical symptoms, and the doctor both diagnosed them with an immunity disease, one which will inevitably turn their own immune systems against them, and kill them. They have, at most, perhaps a year.
Horrified, Silverspeak tries to get them into treatment, but they tell him that no, there is no treatment. The only way to get one is if they got a completely new immune system, but that's impossible. The highest class magicians have tried to stop the disease, but it's only brought them a few months, at most. Right now, they just want to enjoy the time they have left with Silverspeak and Beakbreaker, and to see them come together. But Silverspeak refuses, saying that there has to be a cure. He'll find it, no matter what.
In Silverspeak's room that night, he talks with Beakbreaker and asks her if she knows of any possible cure to the disease. She doesn't know of one, but she'll keep searching. That isn't good enough for Silverspeak; he needs to find a cure now.
(The main reason this part was changed in the story was to make it feel more urgent and to show how serious things have got, especially since it involved Silverspeak’s parents being temporarily kidnapped by the changelings. I also wanted to show more of Silverspeak and Mangus having to work together, and to set up Mangus maneuvering Stonehoof away so that she could be killed, implying that he has somehow been in contact with Chrysalis.
The original version of the fight had the Raven bombing the city first, with Silverspeak then heading to his house and finding his parents there, and subsequently having the revelation scene there. The situation was reversed to include a build-up to saving his parents, and to have Silverspeak needing to leave so his parents could be kidnapped.
The revelation that Silverspeak’s parents were dying of a disease was meant to push Silverspeak into territory where he’s desperate enough to try anything to save his loved ones, regardless of the consequences. Having them be kidnapped instead of just waiting around also added an urgency to Silverspeak’s situation.
In a case of “Real Life Writes the Plot,” the line of Silverspeak musing how terrifying it is to see one’s parents so old and weak came from seeing a dear relative of mine becoming very ill around the time I was writing “The Truth.” It really is one of the most frightening things you can ever see in life.)
Heading back to Genesis, Silverspeak meets with Glasseye, who's sweating and nervous. He says that he has something to tell Silverspeak, but Silverspeak isn't interested. He wants to know if Glasseye can create a new medical immune system, and while Glasseye says yes, he says that there's something super-important he has to let the princess know about. Silverspeak says he'll arrange it when Glasseye tells him how to save his parents. Glasseye finally promises he will, and asks for Silverspeak to make the call.
That night, Silverspeak makes the call to Princess Luna, who says that she'll talk to Glasseye, but that something about this whole fiasco doesn't feel right. Something about Genesis and Glasseye's industries feels wrong, and if other nations are trying to get the technology to improve their armies, they have to be stopped. She's sent someone out to help Silverspeak. At that moment, the individual arrives...it's Mangus Bluehorn. Outraged, Silverspeak demands to know why he's here. Princess Luna said that Mangus showed genuine repentance in prison, and thus, has been given a chance to redeem himself by helping uncover the mysteries behind the industry. She acknowledges the difficulties between the two of them, but asks Silverspeak to give him a chance. Silverspeak reluctantly agrees.
The next day, the two talk to Glasseye, and he agrees to help Silverspeak's parents. All he has to do is bring them to Genesis, and they'll do the operation. Silverspeak is satisfied, but realizes that he needs Beakbreaker's help, and that if he wants a relationship with her at all, he'll have to be honest with her about what's happening. Thus, the two meet, and he explains that his parents aren't going to listen to reason, but there is a way to save them. Glasseye does have an artificial torso that can save them, but Silverspeak won't be able to convince them. Beakbreaker, being a medical Zebra, can. She's intrigued by this premise, but wants to see the technology for herself before making up her mind. Glasseye agrees to have her look, and she does, and concludes that it really can work. Thus, she agrees that this can work, and goes to talk to Silverspeak's parents.
While Beakbreaker is gone, Mangus comes to Silverspeak with a disturbing piece of information: it looks like something highly secretive is taking place deep within the facility, someplace and something Glasseye doesn't want Silverspeak to see. Silverspeak informs Luna, who tells him to proceed with caution. Considering what's going on, they need every aspect of information they can get. They sneak their way into the upper levels of the tower, with Mangus using his skills and knowledge of security to get them up high, including knocking out a few guards on the way. But when they arrive in the room, they find nothing...and the lights go out. Silverspeak and Mangus get lost in the chaos, and Silverspeak is knocked out.
(In the final story, I wanted to emphasize Silverspeak’s desperation and that time was running out, instead of the slower pace as seen in the outline. This involved streamling the idea of Silverspeak’s parents getting a new immune system and instead going to hormones in the hope of slowing the disease long enough to find an uknown cure. I also wanted to show that Luna, while wanting what is best for everyone, is also willing to make hard decisions, such as potentially sacrificing a few lives to save many more.
The brain chip idea was inspired by the video game, "Deus Ex: Human Revolution" where cyborg humans are made to go insane and turn into berserkers who attack anyone near them. I wanted to have the fortunes of war briefly turn in the changeling’s favor in the third act, and having Chrysalis gain a way to control the entire army was a logical way to do so. However, as was pointed out by some of my readers, there were too few safety measures in place to prevent the system from being taken over, so I went back and added additional lines and measures when Glasseye first presented the idea to show that Luna would accept the plan, but put in every reasonable security measure to prevent sabotage.
While I had the idea that Silverspeak would eventually take control of the Equestrian armed forces to try and end the war, it wasn’t until I started writing that I had to come up with him to have a more valid reason for doing so. Saving his parents is obvious, but I realized that having him be willing to sacrifice his freedom, and to accept that he will likely cause a lot of pain and suffering gave it more weight than if he blindly rushed into the plan in the heat of the moment.)
When Silverspeak awakens, he finds himself in a security room with, of all ponies, Glasseye. But he's weary and battered. He can't talk because of the cameras, but reveals that someone has been manipulating him ever since he started Genesis, someone who threatened to destroy him utterly if he ever let slip what was really happening. The two try to escape, but Glasseye's bodyguard comes in with Mangus...who kills Glasseye. Then Glasseye's bodyguard shifts into none other then Queen Chrysalis herself, and the truth finally comes out. She secretly hatched a plan to infiltrate Equestria; not by attacking the capital, but by destroying Equestria from within: taking what remained of her changeling empire (now in the hundreds where there were millions), she sent her soldiers throughout Equestria, appearing briefly and causing havoc. Where they didn't have numbers on their side, they used that fear to terrify Equestria into acting rashly, and that's where Glasseye came in. Chrysalis infiltrated Genesis after he had built it up and carefully worked to improve the technology so that anyone put into it can be remotely controlled, effectively turning them into drones...including anyone who becomes a cyborg. If Glasseye resisted, Chrysalis would torture his employees, which she did. Chrysalis isn't going to let anything get in the way of her dream of ruling Equestria.
Mangus however, is a different story. Chrysalis, after reading about him and the Manehattan incident, realized that he could be a potent ally. Thus, she adapted a disguise and infiltrated the prison as a guest, and one of his long lost relatives. She secretly told him that she could make him an Alicorn again, and one of the most powerful in all of Equestria, if he pledged his allegiance to her. He had nothing to lose, so he did so, pretending to show repentance, and after getting out, volunteering to assist with Silverspeak. He wanted to meet him again for revenge. After all, he had no idea what it was like to have everything, then lose everything while someone far superior to you got everything you wanted. And he's still going to make his dream come true, no matter what it takes.
With the plan revealed, Chrysalis and Mangus now force Silverspeak to work for them. If he doesn't, they'll torture his parents and Beakbreaker into insanity; they have ways to force the brain of a pony into feeling nothing but pain and suffering no matter what. They can cut away the personality and warp it into a mockery of who they once were. If he cooperates, they'll be spared. If not, they'll know suffering that no one else ever had.
Before he dies, Glasseye gives Silverspeak a code: 155829. He then dies before being able to tell him what it's for.
(I toned down Chrysalis’ story of infiltrating Genesis so that she didn’t become too cunning and overpowering, instead making it feel like she had to struggle to get to this point instead of the overused mega-villain-who-is-alway-head-of-everyone idea. I also toned down what she would do to Beakbreaker and Silverspeak’s parents so as to not get too dark, while leaving the threat of bad things happening to various eyes, as I figure it’s one of our most ingrained fears to have our eyeballs damaged or destroyed.
Much like with Beakbreaker in the first story, Glasseye was originally going to die in “Nightfall,” but while he wasn’t given a reprieve from his fate, it was pushed back to give him a little more to do before his end.)
Silverspeak is forced to tell Princess Luna that the other armies of the world have backed out of the project, and that the next upgrade for the cyborg soldiers is ready, and should be downloaded immediately. With no choice in the matter, he reluctantly watches as the upgrades are shipped out all over Equestria.
Two days later, Beakbreaker brings Silverspeak's parents to the facility, who are completely unaware of what's happening. With armed guards all over the place, Silverspeak has no choice but to do nothing as his parents undergo radical surgery to get new immune systems. When it's done, they leave, but Beakbreaker stays. Silverspeak manages to slip her a note warning her that something's wrong.
With Beakbreaker in an isolated part of the building, Silverspeak is forced to watch as the changeling attack is unleashed across all of Equestria. The cyborgs, now upgraded, are helpless as they fight their own kind, and it isn't long before multiple areas of Equestria begin to fall. Delighted, Chrysalis gives Silverspeak over to Mangus to do whatever he wants. He locks Silverspeak up so that his brain can be experimented on; after all, Chrysalis will need some way of controlling her new subjects to avoid rebellion, and since he knows too much, Silverspeak is the perfect target.
(This section was simplified and streamlined to keep the story flowing. Part of this was that if Silverspeak had two days to interact with Luna, Beakbreaker, and his parents, he would have ample opportunities to give them hints about what was going on. I instead chose to have events happen quickly, and to not give Silverspeak any meaningful opportunity to resist or try to summon help outside of trying to clue Beakbreaker in that something was happening. I also moved the fighting and activation of the army to the climax so there would be more buildup.)
ACT 3
Locked in his cell, Silverspeak is helpless...until Beakbreaker then breaks in and frees him. Having read his note, she managed to find out where he was and use her medical skills to knock the guards out using tranquilizers. They have to find the access code to free the cyborgs, specifically, the part that gives their brain enhanced reflexes. Fighting their way through the building, they finally reach Glasseye's private quarters at the very top and send a warning to Princess Luna that the brain implants are the key to stopping the cyborgs; they have to be stunned, and then have a kill switch flicked to turn the implants off. They manage to send her the code, but Chrysalis and Mangus (now upgraded with an artificial horn) come in and knock them senseless before sealing them inside the room: they no longer need Genesis, and are going to send it to the bottom of the ocean. Silverspeak and Beakbreaker will drown with everything else...but not before Mangus smashes Silverspeak's legs, and breaks his back, rendering him helpless.
As the entire tower is sealed, and the ten minute countdown begun, the two frantically search for a way out, and discover a hidden room beneath Glasseye's quarters. There's a code needed to get in, and Silverspeak realizes that it's the one Glasseye gave him earlier: 155829. Entering it, they run inside and find the very first full-body prototype cyborg body Glasseye had wanted, since it would free him of all his puny physical imperfections. But to Silverspeak's surprise, the horn he had once worn is there too, preserved in fluid. Turns out that Glasseye had managed to acquire it to try and study it so that Unicorns who lost their horns could get artificial ones, with Luna saying that such an application had great benefits, so she allowed him to take the horn.
With only Alicorn-strength magic being able to blast their way out, Silverspeak realizes that this is his chance to fulfill his own dream once again, and to get them out. He straps himself into the machine, and once again undergoes surgery (making sure the anesthetic is full this time), and gets his horn back. But more shocking is that he has to give up his body: his head, spine, lungs, and heart are removed, and implanted into the cyborg body, until he is no longer Silverspeak, Earth pony. Now he is a cyborg, and a fully-integrated Alicorn, for the horn has had cyborg-attachments to fuse it onto his spine and skull, making it impossible to be removed, thanks to something something something MAGIC.
Now equipped with his new body, Silverspeak takes his first few steps, but quickly adjusts. He blasts his way out of room, and the two try to get out, but while the doors fall, the windows are completely sealed. They're forced to flee down one level, where they encounter Chrysalis about to leave. A fight breaks out between the queen and Silverspeak, but even with his new upgrades, Silverspeak can't defeat her, and she easily stops him before leaving...and detonating charges. The tower topples into the water, turns over, and starts to sink, forcing Silverspeak and Beakbreaker to flee upwards through the elevator shafts, labs, and corridors until they reach the machinery section. They have to go through tiny air vents, giving Silverspeak claustrophobia until Beakbreaker manages to talk him through it. They reach the exit just as the entire tower slips beneath the surface, and swim out to the open air, where they take off for Canterlot.
(I removed the idea of Silverspeak and Beakbreaker getting in touch with Luna to give them more incentive to escape so the two of them and Onyx Shield had to try and stop the upcoming attack themselves. Most of Genesis’ inhabitants originally died when it sank, but I wanted to avoid the story getting too dark, and had Onyx disable the shields so that more ponies could get out before the city sank crashed.
One thing I wanted for "Nightfall" was to top Silverspeak getting wings and a horn. What better way to do that than to have him become a cyborg? I wanted this to become a big moment that Silverspeak couldn’t come back easily, so I made it so that his body went down with Genesis, thus making it impossible for him to change back.
As stated before, I moved Glasseye's death to this part of the story, but when it was moved, he died in the cells, his last words telling Onyx to get Beakbreaker to the surgical room. But even that didn’t feel right, so I had him live long enough to see the surgery and realize that his technology does work, which was a more fitting end.)
Reaching Canterlot, they find it's become a warzone. Pony vs pony, and cyborg vs cyborg. But all Silverspeak cares about is finding his parents, and he manages to do so. Stopping their implants, the three join forces and make their way through the city towards the tower, where Luna battles Chrysalis and manages to win. Mangus sees Silverspeak coming and flees into the mines. Silverspeak, his parents, and Beakbreaker follow, and they battle their way through the underground until they reach the Meditation Palace. There, the four duel, but Mangus is incredibly powerful. But after a long and exhausting fight, they manage to defeat him, even as the palace lurches and almost falls into the abyss below, with the four fighting on the giant, stained-glass windows.
Exhausted, but relieved, Silverspeak is delighted. The Changeling invasion has failed, his parents have been saved, and his dream of a family will finally come true...until Mangus lurches up and fires his arm-mounted shotguns, shredding through Silverspeak's parents. He screams, attacks Mangus, and tears out his horn before impaling him. The palace lurches, but Silverpseak manages to get his parents out as the palace tumbles into the abyss, taking Mangus with it.
Back on the surface, Silverspeak takes his parents to the hospital, but their injuries are too severe. Unable to speak, they give him their special signal, and then die.
Devastated and emotionally numb, Silverspeak doesn't resist as his cyborg body has its damaged parts removed, leaving him to dangle while new ones are found. Beakbreaker comes in, and holds him close as he sobs.
(I left the battle vague in the outline, allowing me to improvise and create most of it on the fly, including Silverspeak finally confessing his feelings to Beakbreaker, the appearance of the arch-dragon, and the zeppelin collision. The same went for the final fight with Mangus. It was also here that I first got the idea of Silverspeak asking himself what Celestia would do in his situation, an idea which would have helped Celestia play a bigger part in the story if it had been conceived when the story was still being outlined.
I was surprised at the negative reception the fight got, and went back to make changes to try and amend Silverspeak and his parents giving Mangus a chance to surrender, and making it seem like Mangus was crushed instead of sparing his life and taking him to jail, as I originally intended. In retrospect, my readers were correct that, after all he had done, there was no way Silverspeak or his loved ones would ever give him another chance, which I failed to recognize when I originally wrote and posted the chapter.
Just before knocking Mangus into the abyss, Silverspeak originally tore off one of Mangus’ legs, just as he had in the first story. However, that felt too much like history repeating itself, so I thought it would be fitting to have him endure what he would have originally done to Silverspeak and Beakbreaker, and have him lose his sight in particularly gruesome fashion.)
EPILOGUE
In the aftermath of the attack, the Changelings are defeated, and Chrysalis is placed under arrest in the Canterlot dungeons. All the cyborg soldiers have their attachments removed, but Silverspeak, having had his entire body replaced, is now a permanent cyborg, and the first of his kind in Equestria. Life slowly returns to normal, and while Luna is upset at Silverspeak having become an Alicorn, she acknowledges that there's really nothing she can do about it. She lied to Silverspeak about ponies not being able to become Alicorns, because every attempt that wasn't earned or given as a gift has ended in utter disaster for the one who tries to do it. She feared that Silverspeak would try again, but now that he's a cyborg, there's nothing she can do about it.
Silverspeak, while still having his job as a writer for the Princesses, still has his dream to fulfill. He's determined to fulfill it, and his parent's last wish. A year passes. He and Beakbreaker get closer and closer. And finally, he asks her the most important question of his life.
That night, the two meet with Princess Luna in the Canterlot gardens. Two green butterflies fly in and join them...and Silverspeak and Beakbreaker, hoof in hoof, share their first kiss as husband and wife.
(The final chapter of "Nightfall" was originally going to be two chapters, one focusing on the immediate aftermath of the battle, and Silverspeak plunging into a suicidal spiral that nearly ends with his death, and the other focusing on his efforts to come back. However, it caused me no end of trouble trying to get this to work, and went through five different versions:
1. Silverspeak buries his parents and wanders through Equestria for a year to distract himself from the pain before getting help.
2. Silverspeak, ashamed of all he's done, exiles himself to an unexplored island in the far north to atone for his acts by being a border guard before finally leaving to seek help.
3. Silverspeak is taken by Beakbreaker to a mental hospital, leaves, has a breakdown, almost kills himself, then gets help.
4. Silverspeak is taken by Beakbreaker to a mental hospital, escapes, has a breakdown, almost kills himself, and then gets help.
5. Silverspeak is taken to Medicomp, learns he's going to a hospital, escapes, has a breakdown, almost kills himself, and then gets help (this version can be read here)
Eventually, I realized that after the climax of the Battle of Canterlot, Mangus’ death, and the death of Silverspeak’s parents, Silverspeak almost losing his mind, trying to escape Canterlot, and nearly dying was just too much, and felt like the story was trying to do a second climax when one was enough. Thus, the two chapters were eventually combined into one. I also decided to have most of the chapter be told in the past-tense, as I felt that going through everything Silverspeak endures in a present-tense would take too long.
The ending gave me a chance to finally give a name to Silverspeak's boss from the first book: Coin Counter.
Luna just giving up at having Silverspeak becoming an (artificial) alicorn was written before events on the show revealed that ponies can actually earn the right to become an alicorn, which will be addressed in the in-progress revision of the first story. Thus, in the revised continuity, Luna warned Silverspeak that you cannot force yourself to become an alicorn without disastrous consequences, but now that he has become one without any ill-effects, she decides to let him remain that way for the time being.
When trying to find an ending song, I was going to go with "Song of the Sandman" by Enya - which was the song mentioned in this blog post – but it was replaced by "Dreams to Dream," which felt more fitting to the story’s finale.
In the original ending, there was to be a moment earlier in the story when Silverspeak’s parents would enjoy some butterflies in their gardens, and the appearance of two of them at Silverspeak’s ending would suggest that his parents were there in spirit. This was inspired by the ending of a "Mighty Max" episode I watched as a kid, and can be seen here. Eventually, I decided that the focus should be on Silverspeak and him accepting his loss and moving on. However, in my mind, Silverspeak’s parents were the ones who inspired Beakbreaker to bring Little Celestia to Silverspeak while he was in his cell at Medicomp, and they also made him think about what Celestia would do in his situation, so as to help him break out of his depression.)
***
Looking back on the finished story and comparing it to the outline, I think it is an improvement over what I originally wrote, especially with regards to the pacing. But there’s no denying that neither the outline or the finished version comes close to having the narrative focus and intensity that the first story did. There, all the elements seemed to fall into place almost effortlessly, which did not happen here.
In my eyes, Nightfall is an okay sequel: I’m pleased with the focus on Silverspeak and Beakbreaker’s relationship, the third act, several character moments, and especially the ending, but Nightfall is proof that you really can’t capture lightning in a bottle. Still, I’m glad I wrote it, and with all projects, the best thing to do is learn from it and apply it to the next. In my case, the importance of having characters act logically in whatever situation they’re in, and to set up the story so that events don’t happen just because the author wants them to.
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Dem son
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No other story had me hooked up as I had with this. With the exception of a few other stories.
I started reading The Monster Below yesterday night, and when I finished it it was close to midnight. And so I thought, fuck it, I'll read nightfall NOW. And so I went to sleep at 2 in the morning.
Good job... good job...
I also like your first-person writing style. A lot of authors have tried it but failed horribly.
7498918
I'm so glad the stories were that interesting for you!
7509623
It's strictly enchantment. Little Celestia isn't alive or sentient in any way.
7574611
Thanks! As to whether it is the last...
7696790
Thank you for your comment, Test! I'm so glad you liked the story!
Good work, I'ma tad late, but up till a couple months ago, I was reading these chapters as you churned them out. I have now found time to revisit this old FIMFiction account and the first thing I checked was this story. I never read a story so fast and with so much vigor :D
Good work. Loved it. But by far my favorite chapter was the Horror in the Dark, the one where Silverspeak was in those cave beneath his house. Gave me chills. But thanks for sharing this story with us.
7719137
Thank you! Glad that underground chapter was as creepy as I hoped it would be!
I just came back after a year of absence and holy hell I can't wait to read the remainder of your epic story :D.
7734476
Thank you! I hope it was worth the wait!
EPIC from start to finish. This was nearly a perfect sequel IMO. Great job. I hope to see more from you.
7757003
Thanks Tianis! I do indeed have more stuff on the way, but due to other commitments I'm on a writing hiatus until late December/early January.
7785721
I agree and admit that Nightfall does have it's share of flaws, but I'm still glad you enjoyed it!
7800502
7836039
Oh, whoops! Fixed. Thanks for pointing that out!
I didn't realize the emotional investment I had in this til I cried at the end. I love how it's Little Cellie that actually gets to him. That last chapter hit me in the feels.
I must say, of all the fan fiction and O.C.s I have read, the story of Silverspeak is by far my favorite. I even printed a copy of each for to have as a hard copy (killed a few trees in the process).
Thanks again for the adventure mate.
7875038
You make a lot of good points, Emperor, and they fit in with the flaw I had of twisting the story to accommodate scenes I wanted, instead of having them occur naturally, including having characters act in ways that defied logic and common sense. However, you do bring up a few things that I can't believe I haven't noticed before, chief among them the issue of what Luna said in the first book about memory and how the chips contradict that. In all honesty, I never even noticed that contradiction until you pointed it out, along with how silly it is for TechInc to be having annual conventions, despite only being in existence for two years.
Much like my current revision of the first story for publication, I do plan to come back to "Nightfall" to clean it up for print form, and I will incorporate some of your notes into the revisions, such as Luna explaining that while she doesn't want to use the chips, the severity of their current situation requires some drastic efforts. Likewise, Grogan's disease will be expanded on a bit, in that it's a sexually transmitted disease, which means one of Silverspeak's parents unknowingly had it, and passed it along during intercourse. Likewise, there will also be more of a fallout to the Guardians infiltration.
7879427
You've printed this out? It's an honor to know that you've done that! And, of course, it's wonderful to hear how much you like Silverspeak.
7892685
No worries. I just hope you enjoyed it.
Yes, zebras and ponies can do the birds and the bees in this universe, but Silverspeak, due to not having any genitalia, can't have children. Doesn't mean adoption would be out of the question, though.
7892824 Couldn't he just clone replacement parts or genetic material?
8026333 It just seems to be a kind of strange, twisted place for Celestia to be presiding over and more geared to pure punishment than actual rehab. Didn't really seem to work, either. Actually, it may have made things worse. Imprisonment in stone (Discord) seems preferable to a septic, black pit where your mind invents spare demons to team up with the ones already plaguing you. I don't know, maybe there's some world-ending elder god under Equestria that needs to be kept dormant with regular infusions of pony tears.
images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/34500000/Snowflake-Bane-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-34541572-500-375.jpg
Welp, if you remember me from last time, you hopefully understand the wall of text Imma add after reading all this, to share my thoughts >w<;; I apologize beforehand.
Wow. I loved the first story and it's hard to think it possible outdo yourself with a sequel, but I sure am impressed. Like with the first, you had me hooked through the story. Loving both the new stuffs and changes as well as what stayed the same. The only things halting my reading was the rare typo or repeated word, really.
One of the elements I really liked was how we was hooked from the start and kept paranoid from the moment the changelings got introduced into the story. No way they would be brought up without having some importance and the longer it took to really get to big changelings revealing only kept me on the edge of my seat through it all, I must admit.
I loved seeing old elements return, like Glasseye, Mangus, Beakbreaker, heck one of my fave scenes was the return of the Guardians of Tradition when their leader had Silverspeak at his mercy. I had forgotten those guys but it made sense to have them return the way they did even if just for this short while.
The clean slate for Beakbreaker and Silverspeak to start anew was great as well, she had been burned and he didn't want to burn her again, start from scratch to put the past behind them, I liked that. Every chance they had of developing their relationship between them were so cute and that finale pleases the shipper in me.
You might remember my beef with the first story how it did a great job at keeping science and magic believable only to then destroy the sense of that by suddenly have that many non-pegasi fly immediately after the wing procedure just 'cuz lots of steroids.
You still kept a good balance in this story, although things got more fantastic it was still balance because you didn't waste time to introduce us to the new age of Equestria, the story is now a truly full-blown magic sci-fi where so much more is possible, while still keeping yourself reined in. It didn't clash with different parts of the story the way it did in the first one.
The only thing I got against it was my thought on letting the story end with him staying a cybernetic alicorn. I understand the choice, his dream reached but it's no longer what matters most. It's Beakbreaker. But it would have felt more believable that his first body replacement after the war wouldn't have come with wings, it would just have been a replacement of the other body with less thought on keeping the original's aesthetics and more focus on just having a new body to keep him alive. The wings is extra, unnecessary work, especially with the unease already there about having the world's first cyborg prancing about WITH a cursed horn. Along with having a cybernetic alicorn go on tour, if a flying earth pony had the public uneasy before makes it a bit less believable that they would accept a scientific created alicorn this easily. ESPECIALLY if its a recognizable behind the Manehattan Incident. But I digress, it's a minor complaint on my side, I still understand the choice to let the saga end on this kind of note to truly end it. And I still enjoyed the story in full.
The story is nicely wrapped up now, all left on my mind is purely about how the life between Beakbreaker and Silverspeak is gonna go now. I only hope the best for them.
Also a quick mention of another fave scene of mine. I like how Beakbreaker reported she handled Silverspeak's doppelganger by telling he was trying to make love to her before she tested the password and tasered him. Like "woah, this dude whose idea of first base is to hold my hoof suddenly is putting the moves on me?! Better check!"
Just parts of how I adore these two. Even with it being obvious how much they love each other, they still act so clueless and moves so slow to not push the other, it's adorable.
Well, it's the thoughts I had to share. Thanks for making another great story, with characters and drama that just sucks you in.
8316797
Hi Ravenpuff! Yes, I do remember you, and I'm so glad you enjoyed 'Nightfall.' I also appreciate taking the time to list out in detail what you liked and didn't like, as that kind of feedback is invaluable for writers.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy the next story as well!
Rainbow Dash is still Wonderbolt captain in her seventies? Did she become an alicorn at some point, or is she the best geriatric flier ever?
Edit: They're all going on missions in their seventies? Ah. What?
9551668
Hmmm. Then how far along are you...well, so far, in the rewrite? I wonder when it would be 'good' to proceed further I suppose is what I am asking.
9552871
I'm afraid I've only finished chapter 4. You can continue writing, as the overall story and details will remain the same; the biggest change is with regards to a plan that pops up in the second half that will make it more plausible. That, and adding in that Thorax and the reformed changelings are trying to help out, so Silverspeak's scorn of changelings in general will be removed.
9554503
Reading, is what I'll be doing~ Hee hee, now I'm doing that for comments!
Still, good to know all the same!
I didn't like this as much as the original.
The story was great, the plot was kinda meh, but the detail you put in made up for it.
The end was touching, too.
Overall not fantastic, but still really good.
9554503
I finally got around to finishing this, and I'm glad I did.
This felt like the Halo 2 of this story. Less organized in some ways, but greatly deepening the lore behind the world you have created. The first story (like the first Halo) was unarguably a masterpiece, and this one is the bigger badder younger brother. Now I just gotta read the third book and hope it's the Halo 3 of this trilogy.
I love everything about this series.
9973168
Hi Crystal! I'm glad you liked the story enough to hang on this long! I hope you enjoy the third one as well!