Dear Princess Celestia,
Remember what I said about my role as a princess before this whole mess began – the part about just smiling and waving? Well, I would like to officially withdraw that complaint and apologise for making it in the first place.
Smiling and waving when I feel like I have every reason to do the opposite has to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Now that ponies have gotten used to the idea of coming to me for help with their friendship problems and the like, many of them seem to depend on me to project some measure of confidence and happiness when they have trouble finding it in their own lives.
I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to just yell that they have no idea how trivial some of their ‘problems’ are, and I’m really ashamed of that. It makes me wonder how many times you might have been in a similar situation – given your experience, I assume many. I’m sorry if I’ve ever added to your problems when you would’ve wanted nothing more than to just go to sleep and forget about everything.
Sorry, I’m getting off track. The point is this: thank you for helping me to keep things in perspective, especially when it meant showing me and everypony else love, calmness and optimism when doing so would have only hurt you on the inside. I think I have finally realised just how much ‘smiling and waving’ can do for others in their time of need, even if it sometimes means I’m technically only pretending to care. Well, serves me right for wanting to be part of the plan, huh?
Sorry, I didn’t mean that. Helping others as a princess is wonderful, but I think I still need more time to come to terms with the idea that showing distress publicly is kind of a big no-no in general. At least, outside of the direst of circumstances. I guess it’s something I really should have appreciated more when I was just a student. Still, if I had the chance to go back, I don’t think I would. I’ve discovered that some ponies are a lot wiser and more perceptive than anypony’s given them credit for. Lucky Clover, of all ponies, was the first to notice (or dare to point out) that I was faking when he came to me about dealing with his relationship problems. I’m not sure who ended up helping the other more in the end, but it was good to have a truly honest conversation with somepony who knew a thing or two about wanting to do things you know you shouldn’t.
On another note, today’s been a pretty good day. Levitation no longer makes my head spin, and I managed to fly the whole length of Ponyville without crashing. Woo hoo, go me. Also, I only threw up twice this morning, but I think that was mostly because I was too moody to eat a proper breakfast. Maybe I should try stuffing myself to see if it’s really an improvement. I could use the extra weight, anyway; Spike thinks my ribs were showing a couple of days ago. So much for worrying about staying in shape, what with all the good food everypony keeps offering me when they visit.
You know, I think I’m starting to appreciate dark humour. There’s something about poking fun at one’s misfortune that makes it seem less terrible. Similarly, I think I’m starting to appreciate profanity too. It’s sometimes quite effective at taking the edge off of my agony when I’m trying to chuck my entire digestive tract into the toilet. Luna gave me a list of situation-appropriate expletives last week. She says it’s from her guards, but somehow I don’t think terms like ‘spleeny codpiece’ and ‘loathsome toad’ are part of a modern vocabulary. Some samples event went as far as blaspheming the private parts of… certain individuals. I do have to be careful not to let any of those slip when I’m having one of my upchucking episodes around Spike, though.
I think the part I dislike most about this whole thing is that there’s no clearly defined journey that I could embark on to cure myself. No quest, no cure, no end. Just… perseverance. Luna tells me that she barely has to give much thought to her experience these days, but it’s hard for me to imagine reaching that point myself. You were right about relying on friends; I don’t know what I would’ve done without them around. Even Discord has been sort of helpful, even if it sometimes means taking on a mild headache to help me get a hold of myself.
Well, that’s it for now, I suppose. I wish I had more words, but going nineteen days without a magical infusion is wreaking havoc with my mental stamina. I can barely squeeze in five hours of study daily, nowadays. I know; I can’t believe it either.
Still your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
* * * * *
A sigh of relief escaped her as she levitated the quill back into place. Her horn-writing had gotten rather wobbly at the last couple of paragraphs, but she considered it a vast improvement over her attempt the previous day. Although he’d tried to hide it, Spike clearly hadn’t been too happy about cleaning up all that spilt ink.
After rolling up the scroll and sealing it with wax, she tucked it under a wing and trotted out of her study. A short walk later, she found Spike in his ‘nest’ of pillows atop his bed, lying on his back as he read from the comic book held in his feet.
“Spike, I need you to send a letter to Princess Celestia for me, please,” she said.
“At once, Your Highness,” he instantly replied with a salute. “My flame is ever at your service!”
Twilight chuckled as he hopped off the bed and jogged to her side. “Which volume are you on?” She recognised the austere tone of the Knightmare.
“Seven. The one where she fights the reincarnation of King Sombra himself. I’m only halfway through and she’s already kicking flank!” he gushed as he swung an invisible sword at imaginary foes. After delivering what looked like a finishing blow, he grinned sheepishly and said, “Oh, umm, you wanted a letter. Gotcha. Let me go get the—”
“No need for that.” Twilight revealed the scroll and passed it to him. “It’s all good to go.”
“Oh, you already wrote it. You could’ve told me earlier, you know.”
She smiled and patted him on the shoulder. “Thanks, but I need the practice. My writing’s only going to get worse if I let you do all the heavy lifting.”
“Oh, okay.”
A brief flare, and they soon saw a streak of green flame swirling out the bedroom window.
Spike then clasped his hands together. “So, anything else you need?”
She shook her head and yawned. “Nope. In fact, I think—”
“You sure you don’t need anything? A book from the library? Something to eat? I could make you a snack.”
You’re being awfully helpful... Too helpful.
Twilight frowned and attempted to dissect his innocent smile, but he’d apparently gotten as good as she had with poker faces in the past weeks of dealing with ponies eager to curry favour with the newest princess. She glanced at the clock – and grinned when she noticed the time.
“Oh, I see what this is all about. It’s bedtime, isn’t it?”
He shifted his gaze. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Twilight. I’m only offering my services to the central figure of authority in my life.”
Fancy diction for a little dragon. She raised an eyebrow. “Discord has been teaching you how to use words, hasn’t he?”
“Umm, maybe.”
“Well…” Twilight made a show of mulling it over before finally giving him a little nod. “Okay, fine, you can read for a while longer. But I expect to find you properly asleep by the time I get back.”
He tilted his head. “When will that be?”
“Likely past your extended bedtime.”
Spike tensed a little. “Twilight, where are you going?”
She sighed inwardly as their daily ritual took hold. “I’m going out for a walk, maybe a bite to eat if I get hungry. I feel like a little exercise would do me good; I’m getting a little restless being all cooped up in the castle. I’m… I’m not going to steal any magic.”
Rebellious thoughts sank their claws into her heart as she made that declaration. Nopony would be the wiser if she really wanted to sample some magic. It wasn’t as if anypony could really stop her, either…
“Promise?” Spike asked.
Twilight forced herself to look him squarely in the eyes and said, “I promise.”
“Promise what?”
She took a deep breath and slowly released it as she mentally turned away from those rebellious notions. “I promise not to snitch any magic. I mean it.”
“I’ll hold you to that,” he said.
“Yeah. I know.”
Twilight plodded over to the window and shivered when a chilly autumn breeze blew in. A quick hop and a couple of wingbeats later, she had the cool night air caressing her wings as she descended to the street. It sure beat trotting out the door.
Huh. No wonder Rainbow seldom bothers with them.
A few ponies still went about their business in the streets; a couple waved at her as she trotted by. She smiled back but paid them little attention beyond that. The slightly humid air and overcast sky carried the promise of rain, which she openly welcomed as a change from the comfort of her crystalline castle. There were times when she needed its conveniences to recover from the more arduous stages of her affliction, but the outdoors often proved far better at crowding out the emptiness that always lurked at the edge of her consciousness.
It frequently seeped into her mind like a miasmic cloud, lulling her into a pit of despair of which only magic could pull her out.
She shook her head. No, I made a promise.
Well aware of the usual repertoire of tricks that she could fall prey to, Twilight made sure to keep her gaze firmly away from the direction of Everfree as she broke into a canter.
She galloped in a circular route through Ponyville, shifting course to one that led out of town when she realised that her noisy clip-clopping might disturb others. Prior to her ascension, twenty minutes of that would’ve reduced her to a huffing, exhausted heap on the ground, but her alicorn physique enabled her to persevere for nearly quadruple that time on a good day. Or night.
A slightly early Running of the Leaves wouldn’t hurt.
She took the north-western road out of town, skirting the Apple family’s property before heading directly for the woods. The canopy would be nearly every shade of brown, gold, orange and red by now, but they all looked more or less the same at night. Still, although she couldn’t enjoy the colours, the rustling they made as she galloped past the trees helped to calm her mind. Her speed and outspread wings created enough turbulence to drag the dried foliage in her wake, and she imagined herself a whirlwind ripping along the path, leaving behind all her cares and fears.
Somewhere along the way, she noted that the heavy clouds had begun releasing their loads of moisture. She welcomed the stimulation as raindrops pelted her coat, even the coldness that followed if they were large enough to seep in and wet her skin.
Anatomy had always occupied one of the lower rungs on the hierarchy of topics important to her, but it had gone up quite a few notches in the past couple of weeks as she dug into research on how her body was supposed to function – with and without her unusual condition. Twilight ticked off every symptom of fatigue on her mental checklist as she went farther and farther from Ponyville. Accelerated heart rate. Sweating. Heavy breathing. Burning muscles. Reduced coordination. And later on, pain. Rainbow Dash and Applejack had assured her that a little pain was good, though. It meant that she was building muscles. But more importantly, she could lose herself in the exhilaration of going so fast that the woods had dissolved into a blur of earth, leaves and tree trunks, with the wind roaring in her ears.
Twilight adjusted her gait and pace as needed, even allowing her wings to bear some of her weight every now and then so that no muscle was spared exertion. She ran and ran until the burning sensation had spread to every inch of muscle she could perceive, and she eventually came to a halt atop a grassy knoll, slick with rain and sweat. She collapsed and landed heavily enough to leave an indentation on the soft earth, savouring the sweet scent of grass even as she fought for breath.
Slight wheeze. Overdid it a little. Oops.
She squeezed her eyes shut as pain and fatigue caught up with her and clamped down on her entire body. Even something as simple as curling up proved to be beyond her cramping muscles. She simply had to lie flat on the ground and bear it.
Slowly, the pain ebbed away like receding heat on a lump of molten slag. She eventually recovered sufficiently to sit up and sigh in relief. It was still raining, and the sight of her wet coat actually giving off steam alerted her to the fact that she desperately needed a drink. Luckily, she knew a minor spell that enabled her to gather the water in her surroundings and fuse them together. After adjusting the magical field to avoid taking in her sweat, she slurped up the resulting globe of water. Once sated, she flopped onto her back and stared at the clouds as they emptied themselves onto the world.
Her heartbeat became a dull pounding in her ears as she closed her eyes and focused on everything else. The damp earth beneath her that was slowly warming up. The pattering of rain on her belly. The mild, omnipresent ache of exertion. Matted mane and coat. Chilled skin. Hot breath. Mild buzz in the horn from her recent spell. Euphoria from strenuous exercise. The rustling of trees in the wind…
No void to drag her down.
I’m alive.
No amount of magic in the world could beat that.
“I’m alive,” she said out loud, allowing herself a little smile when only the tiniest echo of her cravings tried to contradict her.
Day Nineteen, one less day to worry about.
She shivered. Now that the effects of adrenaline had worn off, she could feel the chill creeping into her bones.
Darn. I didn’t come out here just to catch a cold.
Twilight took a moment to weigh the benefits of teleporting straight home against walking, and concluded that the risk of a magically-induced migraine was worth the benefit of sparing herself over an hour of trotting in order to sink into a heavenly tub of warm water. Also, the sooner she got out of the rain, the better.
She closed her eyes and visualised the layout of the castle, reviewed the coordinates a couple of times and then tentatively powered up the teleportation sequence, ready to abort it at the first sign of trouble. A jarring hum in her skull made her a little queasy, but she found it no worse than the usual bouts and ploughed on until the spell had reached critical mass.
The world collapsed with the sound of rushing wind. Twilight endured several seconds of sensory deprivation before she popped back into real space and landed back-first onto a cold, hard surface. It wouldn’t have been so bad if her folded wings hadn’t been between her and the crystal flooring.
Ouch.
Next, she noticed that she had teleported to somewhere other than her bathroom. She’d made it to one of the hallways instead.
Slight miscalculation. Whoops.
Also, she probably should’ve gotten onto all fours before teleporting, because the hallway currently had a princess lying belly-up on the floor, dripping water all over the place with four muddy hooves clearly on display for all to see. Luckily, as far as she could tell, nopony had witnessed her undignified arrival.
She could just imagine a herald announcing, “Behold, the Princess of Friendship!” as a thousand ponies gaped at the spectacle.
Twilight adjusted for the spatial discrepancy and teleported again, silently apologising to the poor pony who would have to mop up the vaguely princess-shaped splatter of water and residual dirt in the morning.
Thankfully, her second attempt landed her directly in the bathtub.
* * * * *
After a warm and invigorating bath, Twilight found Spike snoring in bed and gently shut the door when she realised that she had no inclination to sleep at all. With the clock showing only eleven, she had plenty of time to herself. Too much, in fact, given that she didn’t feel like reading or studying.
What to do, what to do…
She eventually settled on retrieving a mop from one of the supplies closets and guiltily went straight for the crime scene of her initial teleport with a bucket of water in tow. Cleaning it up took a little more time than she’d expected, but far less than she’d hoped for. She needed something else to do.
“Ugh,” she groaned quietly.
It was amazing how time could multiply tenfold when her usual favourite activities were off the table. There was just so much of it all of a sudden.
As she pondered on the problem of finding something else to occupy her mind, she found herself twirling the rapidly drying mop in her magical grip. It brought a smile to her face as she recalled Spike imitating his favourite comic book heroes, and on a whim, she began swinging it around like a sword or spear.
How did Shining do it again?
She vaguely remembered the day he came home all excited about showing Mom and Dad his newly acquired proficiency with a spear. She tried emulating his moves, and then…
Inspiration. Clarity. Anticipation.
Is this the feeling that Rarity refers to when she has one of those moments?
Until she got better, it looked like studying would have to remain a less-than-appealing option in coping with her condition. Physical activity like her impromptu marathon proved an effective alternative, so maybe it was time to expand on that a little. She’d always been an advocate of the magic of learning, so it would certainly be a welcome experience.
She already knew the message she would get Spike to send as soon as he was able.
Dear Princess Luna, I accept your offer.
Yay, Twily's getting better!
Happy days abound!
D'aww, nice little interaction with Spike.
I love that feeling of aching giddiness after a long run. Good to know that Twilight has found herself an outlet. And oh, dear Pony Jesus, I can't wait to see some fight scenes...
Nice. Another great chapter
And speaking of vocabulary—you missed a chance to use 'vernacular'
So Twilight is now going to Luna boot camp.
Start playing Eye Of The Tiger
means
________
has been
__________
5078486 Fixed. Thanks for spotting those.
5078589
You're welcome . By the way nice job on the stories progression so far.
Enjoying so far, but I would love to see some character interaction between Twilight and the rest of the Mane6
No one said they were from her current guard :p
Honestly, I want Twilight to relapse hard. Maybe drain another pony or something.
5079031 It matters not. When one's honor is besmirched with false accusations of pilfering the princess's entire sack of thinly-sliced potatoes fried in oil, there are only so many possible appropriate responses.
Man, that run through the woods was making me nervous. I kept waiting all chapter long for the other shoe to drop and Twilight to fall off the wagon, and that would have been the place for it.
Not that I want her to fall, I'm just worried about her.
5079196 Maybe relapse hard and then have someone there catch her almost doing it (in the almost act) like maybe Luna.
Also not on a pony but maybe be tempted? I don't know
so many lol's this chapter with spike. Keep it up. And discord trying to spread chaos as usual.
Suddenly I reeeeeally want to know how Anvil and Hammer are doing and how they are adapting to this new era.
images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/20700000/Just-smile-and-wave-boys-penguins-of-madagascar-20799079-500-240.gif
YES! Yes, it's happening. It's happening, and I am so happeh about it!
hi hi
I can't say I agree with Twilight's treatise on honesty in public figures at all. That unattainable facade is what gets people into trouble in the first place.
I can't wait for another of your fight scenes.
5081990 I thought more along the lines of that legend of pony swearing, Littlepip.
A legend.
You got a great thing going! Keep up the hard work. I would like to see how it would pan out. Maybe she gets a taste for others magic. There was already a foreshadow of that. How would her friends react to a addicted friend. Writing that intervention would be stellar hard. Zecora could play a part. I love when a writer can manage a few scenes mostly in rhyme! Don't rush things key details and dragging on conversations kinda makes it real. Just sum crit
5079196
Nah, it would be better if some of the other Mane Six came to her with their own problems.
I mean, Pinkie Pie's "creamy frosting" addiction could be played for laughs (or seriously, if you wanted to get morbid). From a literary standpoint, this would show that Twilight has advanced far enough with her own addiction to be a beacon of hope for others, whether the problems are laughable...or not.
5084846
Ah yes. I almost want to re-read FoE...
Meh, maybe after Project Horizons is over. Just a little bit longer...
5078973 I'd considered that, but to be honest, I'm not sure if it would be a good idea for me to squeeze all of that in if I don't have enough material for it. Which I currently feel I do not.
5081990 Oh hey, I was wondering if anyone would spot that.
5086029 Man, Project Horizons is still going? How massive is that monster of a story now?
5085781 Thanks for the feedback. I'll keep it in mind.
5086126
Ok I understand that but please try and get the rest of the mane 6 involved a bit more. As it is you are just mentioning them off to the side occasionally.
One of Twilight's Major concerns early on was what her friends would say and how she would tell them about what she was doing. Its a conversation I'm willing to bet a lot of us really want to see. I get that it might be hard to do but it would be truly tragic to just skip it completely. Saying such conversations happened but not actually showing them, makes us feel like we are missing out on what could potentially be one of the best parts of the story.
Before you had Luna tell twilight's friends what she was doing (dispite the fact she said she wouldn't) and that felt like a huge missed opportunity. Seeing her friends reactions leading up to their eventual understanding and willingness to help her is something that a lot of us would really like to see.
Character interaction is for many people what makes the Show itself so great. Please don't skip out on it here. Not when there is so much potential.
...
Wow that became a long response.
In contrast to the comment above me, I like that the interactions between the others has been mostly 'off-screen'. Let's be honest, we all have a vague idea of how it would go. The current way you've written it makes it feel more episodic; a good thing in my book.
5086126 Project Horizons is at 70 chapters, currently, and larger than the entirety of Harry Potter. We really are getting towards endgame, I swear. The main character just found the unique weapon she's been drooling over since the beginning.
5088248 My god I could read for days straight and not catch up
5086151
Huh, I don't remember Luna saying she wouldn't tell em anything. Or maybe I've just forgotten.
As for interactions with the rest of her friends, I'll take what you said into consideration, although I'm leaning a little towards what
5086815 said here at the moment.
5086126
Project Horizons is currently on Chapter 70, with 71 in the works.
My rough estimate is that the story should end by Chapter 100, roughly 3 times the size of the original FoE (it's already over double the size, currently).
What's even more amazing? The story can still make me cry. Chapter 70 was a tearjerker.
If you want to catch up...
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1D6PJA5lrE0OzzS-ZC2kbf-4piyyuUdF-zniVqUs79uM/preview?sle=true#bookmark=id.t799ssffrheu
5095617 Protip: You probably won't need any caffeine. It sucks you in pretty hard.
As with everything in life, the moment you think you're at the top of the world, something eventually brings you crashing down. And when you start climbing back up, things are always heavier going uphill. It will only be a matter of time before you fall again.
I'm not looking forward to the inevitable failure to keep that promise. (I am, but I'm not -- that's going to be a terrible day for her and her friends)
5079756
Yeah, me too. Although it would nicely line her up for an overconfidence fail later. I suppose that I actually want her to fall because broken Twilight is a little more interesting to read than perfect, do-gooder Twilight. Also, it wouldn't be much of a withdrawal if she went cold turkey and just got over it without at least one major stumble. Maybe the point is that's all pre-story? Beats me.
5080302
I think it'd be great if she did that to somepony. It'd provide a reason for her to be more cautious than she seems to have been thus far and confirm that the problem is more serious than feeling like a desire for a light magic snack. It would also hammer home the possibility of turning into a cautionary tale (as Discord suggested) for real. -- Actually I feel like something should happen before her decision to send Luna a letter agreeing to sparring practice. That seems a bit incongruous and out of blue. Also, the whole "day 19" makes the whole thing seem too easy. It makes it seem like Twilight isn't really all that unwell. It sounds like that was easy, rather than, say, a hard won victory. I got the initial impression early on that Twilight had a huge, empty space for magic from absorbing the others that would take some serious time to shrink. So I would expect her to be constantly two steps from draining any spare magic nearby and possibly drinking from ponies by accident just walking past them. Another chapter in between the 19 day mark and the initial thing would be nice.
5095617
If I read for days straight, barring necessary things (food, the toilet, etc), I'd totally run out of words to read. The second to last harry potter was an exercise in speed reading. I think I was at it for 5-6 hours straight and then I ran out of words.
Here's hoping there's at least another five chapters or so.
P.S.
I hope Luna can spar without using magic...
5120431
Now that you've mentioned it, it does kind of look that way and I can't get it out of my head.
Maybe I shouldn't have used the letter format to try to convey the passage of time. I was wary of drifting into endless suffering and misery territory, but it looks like I've gone too far in the other direction.
Well, I'll look into it and see if there are any adjustments I need to make. Thanks for the feedback!
5120978
It is just my opinion and you are, of course, at leisure to take it as you will. The letter was kind of an interesting touch, despite what you just said. The magical infusion remark did leave me wondering a bit though.
It's just that if Twilight's magical repository was really large (bloated beyond ability to fill), then I would expect that going cold turkey would be really painful. In fact I would expect it to get worse over time rather than better, at least in the short term, since the disparity between the maximal space and the actual magic she has would increase as her reserves tapered down to normal levels. That's assuming she didn't dump everything she had into the forest, in which case I would have expected the excursions to continue or her friends to have to forcibly stop her on a regular occasion because the absence of it would have left a rather large gaping hole and thus a ravenous hunger for more. Unless, of course, that just not how it works at all?
5121106 Nah, you do have the right idea of what's happening to her. I just need to work on internal consistencies. I think my perception of her situation has, umm, mellowed out in the months since I first started writing it.
The big question is whether a retcon would become necessary...
5121351
Well, if you're working up to a big mess for Twilight Sparkle, simply shortening the times mentioned and having her indicate a tentatively positive outlook for the future might be sufficient to keep things moving. You could maybe throw in some foreshadowing... which would imply that the real impact hasn't hit yet. It might also help to not have her seek Luna's aid until a little later. Maybe when running has ceased to cut it (i.e. sufficient stamina to be making loops and not being particularly tired)?
Not sure what you'd need to retcon, really. -- I do think that since your story is about withdrawal, then the focus generally ought to be on the lows and highs of her experience. I.e. the days when she completely fails to resist and the days when it's been going well and she's enjoying it. You could throw in some scenes from the rest of the time, but at some point that's just passing time until something major happens. A few nightmares of hypothetical futures where she doesn't recover could be interesting. If you set it up right you may be able to confuse us (the readers) into thinking she's finally gone off the deep end (if that's not what you're planning as is).
A good question to ask, in my mind, would be how far can Twilight go before she snaps (so to speak) and starts draining magic subconsciously? Is that even a possibility in your mind? A situation where she does so to a pony, perhaps badly enough to harm them/steal their cutie mark is something I think is worth considering. It would definitely fit the dark tag. It might be very bad for her to visit a school teaching magic, given that there might be a lot of magic floating around... You could even have her go somewhere and end up in a bad situation or find somepony in one and end up leaching the magic right out of the offending party... Not exactly legal or good, but it does solve the immediate problem. A unicorn with no magic is a unfortunate pony indeed.
Part of the issue may be that the beginning implies that she's in control of herself at some level. It may also be worth addressing whether the story is really 'Dark' as is (do you even want it to be?), what it would take to make it fit that tag better, etc. What story do you want to tell?
"Hello, my name is Twilight, and I'm an arcaneoholic."
5338546 "Hi, Twilight."
(By the way, nice choice of avatar.)I can just imagine Twilight fighting imaginary enemys with a mop and spike walking in
5338546
"Hello Twilight" said the young councillor.
This is the second fanfiction I've read about Twilight recovering from something horrible that started going into extreme detail about every feeling of her going on a run through Ponyville, I guess it makes some sense because any less extreme detail about a run is suddenly basically no detail, but it's still an odd coincidence.