I began reading, but immediately, I saw some issues in your writing. The premise seems interesting, and I assume you're leading up to TwiDash (which I'll always approve of), but there are simply too many errors. For example, your generous use of parentheses for your exposition in the first paragraph, and your ellipses (...). Parentheses should be used sparingly in prose (once or twice a chapter max, and in the appropriate places), and ellipses are only ever three periods.
I recommend that you get a good editor to go over your work before you publish. They will weed out such mistakes, thus making your work far more readable. There are several groups dedicated to helping authors to find editors and proof readers here on FimFiction.
7178558 Thank you for commenting I really appreciate it. :)
This is my first story on here, so there are bound to be some mistakes. I'm sorry about all the parentheses I just wanted to be specific, and hopefully not leave readers with unanswered questions that they may have. Also the thing about the ellipses is you can use more if you feel so inclined to, yes three is the correct useage, but it's not a big thing if you use more, plus it sometimes helps with making the pauses more spaced out, in order for things to flow well together.
I will apologize for any other errors you may have found, I will be sure to work on improving my writing as I grow as a writer. And for now I would like to keep it as just a team of one for me, I may consider taking on an editor or a proof reader in the future, but for right now I would like to work by myself if that's alright.
I do write very often, and am learning all kinds of things about it each day, I proof read all my work and make sure everything is as good as I can make it. And although this is my first story I've written on here so far, it's not my first story ever, I have been writing on other sites for quite some time now and have come far since when I first started.
I thank you for all that you have said, and will take it all into consideration, and will work on improving myself as a writer on this site from here on out.
Well, it good to keep that can-do attitude. If you enjoy it, keep doing it. Though, I would still recommend someone to edit. If you really don't want to do that, I suggest finishing up a chapter, leave it for a few days, read a book or something in the meantime to refocus your brain, then go though your work and edit it yourself. You'd be supprised how much a fresh frame of mind can help to weed out errors.
As for the ellipses (or suspention points, in this case), I don't know where you got that notion from, but I'm afraid it's simply wrong. I know it might seem like longer ellipsis equals longer pause, but in reality, it just looks sloppy and amaturish. The writing itself should indicate how long a pause is. For example:
"I'm not exactly sure what you mean by that..." Rarity replied to the mare's odd statement, followed by an awkward silence.
or
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your..." Fluttershy's timid apologies trailed off into silence.
I'm glad you write this story it's very interesting to read keep up a good work update more soon. questions is it a rainbow dash and twilight pairing just wanted to know?
I always have a can-do attitude. :D And I will think about getting an editor in the future but for now I'll just work by myself, and yes I will most certainly do as you said, I just wanted to get this first chapter out quickly, because I was busy on other days and couldn't spend too long going over it, but I will spend more time looking over my writing in future chapters.
As for the thing about the ellipses I got it from some books, and stories I had read online. And I can see where you're coming from, and I will use the correct useage (three) from here on out, after all I don't want my writing looking sloppy. :)
Thank you again for all that you have said it all really helps me as a writer.
"Nonsense Twilight, Spike is a lovely name, wouldn't you agree Spike?" Celestia asked as she looked to the newly named Spike with a warning look in her eyes.
weeeelllllllll
Okay I think I already like it that this story isn't exactly canon, but on the other hand I'm a bit affraid if you maybe just let Rainbow Dash hit on her in a rather weird way. I mean I honestly thought it would start after seaseon 3 was it? I just hope for something more interessting personality than Rainbow just being some sort of bad girl that is trying to get the new princess into her bed, and Twilight being the helpless damsel in distress.
Other than that I think it is actually pretty interessting, but maybe a bit to soon for Twilight to just allow every stranger to call her just Twilight, I would like it if others would have to well sort of earn it, I'm just in the mood for that.
7194954 Thank you for commenting, and yes Twilight isn't very good with naming dragons as you can tell XD
I don't think you're getting Rainbow Dash's character in this, she isn't exactly a 'bad girl' as such, the ponies in Ponyvile just don't like her since the ponies from Ponyvile and the pegasi from Cloudsdale don't get along at all. Plus she hasn't got any sort of feelings for Twilight, she's just welcoming the new Princess like Applejack and Rarity did, she's also not hitting on her or trying to get her into her bed, she's just being friendly really.
And don't worry that's not what this story is about, Dash has no feeling towards Twilight (...yet) and Twilight is most certainly not going to be the damsel in distress character, you will see this as the story carries on. ;)
Twilight hasn't been a Princess for very long so she is a little uncomfortable with everypony calling her as such, so she's telling them to call her by her name since that is what she is used to other ponies calling her. And besides the only ones that are calling her by her name right now are Applejack, Rarity and Spike, so it's not that many. :)
your summery does not really give any one the proper idea of what this story is. and i do not know if any one has pointed this out to you but..... it was just really bugging me.... hope your not upset
"Later into the day Twilight and Spike had met a VERY energetic and excitable bright pink Earth pony named Pinkie Pie, who co-owns the bakery in Ponyvile, a timid and very shy Pegasus pony named Fluttershy, who helps to take care of most of the animals in Ponyvile, the Mayor of the town, Mayor Mare, and many other ponies that both Twilight and Spike had forgotten the names of by now."
That was kinda of the intention for this story, I left it with a little bit of a vague summary because I just wanted to give this story a sort of setting, this means that you won't know what the story is really about unless you read the first two chapters, and then you can decide if you want to keep reading or not, which is totally fine either way, I don't mind really.
Sorry if this bugs you, and no one has told me this before now, you're the first. And you haven't upset me in the slightest, I'm not someone who gets offended very easily, and I love seeing comments with constructive criticism like yours, they help me improve as I'm growing as a writer and I thank you for that.
Thank you for telling me this, but I don't think I will be changing the summary anytime soon, after all I like the idea of leaving things to more of the imagination when you're going into a story, but I know that not everyone likes that, and that's okay, they just can go read some other story that is better suited to their tastes, I don't mind at all.
"He was found abonded near to the castle as an egg, a few years back, and has been one my most trusted assistance's (assistants) since," Celestia added as she was gald to see the two greeting each other nicely, having no doubt that they would get along well.
"I have the up-most (utmost) certianty that you'll bring great joy to these two towns, you've never let me down before after all, and I'll be right here if ever you need me for anything," Celestia nuzzled the younger Princess back, before Twilight nodded to her holding back her tears, and looking to her mentor with a confident expression.
"I'm not avoiding them, I'm just sacred (scared) that they won't like me as their new ruler as (is) all," Twilight confessed as she looked around at all the staring ponies, as some now started to slowly apporach (approach) her, making her feel like she was some sort of caged animal.
And as expected as soon as the ponies had heard the word 'Princess' they immeditaly (immediately) crowded around their new ruler, welcoming her into the town and bombarding her with countless questions, which she couldn't answer of course. Twilight's worry....(was)…. making itself know (known) again as she nervously smiled while looking around at all of the ponies that were surrounding her now.
"This here is Rarity, she owns the dress-makers (apostrophe) shop here in Ponyvile," Applejack stated with smile.
"Oh Applejack it is more than just a 'Dress-makers (apostrophe) shop' it's a beautiful boutique that ponies come from near and far to see,"
"Ah so it's a lot like ma (my) farm then?" Applejack smirked knowing that she was winding Rarity up by saying this.
"Quite easily actually," Applejack just smiled as Rarity galred to (glared at) her for so much as thinking to compare her wonderful boutique with the Earth pony's farm.
Later into (in) the day Twilight and Spike had met a VERY energetic and excitable bright pink Earth pony named Pinkie Pie, who co-onws (co-owned the bakery in Ponyvile, a timid and very shy pegasus pony named Fluttershy, who helps (helped) to take care of most of the animals in Ponyvile, the Mayor of the town, Mayor Mare, and many other ponies that both Twilight and Spike had forgotten the names of by now.
"Can you two be so kind and (as to) stop calling me, 'Princess'?" Twilight asked kindly.
The four hearing another laugh all looked around again, before Twilight looked down to spike (capitalize), and raised an eyebrow to him, "You know it wasn't that funny Spike,"
"Oh right, name's Rainbow Dash, the fastest flyer throughout all of Equestria, and born and raised in Cloudsdale," the pegasus proudly stated, sounding like Spike with that ego of her's (no apostrophe) shining through as Twilight's eyes widened a little.
7532429 "Pegasus" & "Minotaur" were both names of unique individuals. Thus, Spellcheck doesn't like it if you don't capitalize them but most authors don't. Also, Spellcheck doesn't like it if you make them plural.
"Screw Spellcheck", says I
Comment posted by SWEETOLEBOB18 deleted Jun 28th, 2019
I began reading, but immediately, I saw some issues in your writing. The premise seems interesting, and I assume you're leading up to TwiDash (which I'll always approve of), but there are simply too many errors. For example, your generous use of parentheses for your exposition in the first paragraph, and your ellipses (...). Parentheses should be used sparingly in prose (once or twice a chapter max, and in the appropriate places), and ellipses are only ever three periods.
I recommend that you get a good editor to go over your work before you publish. They will weed out such mistakes, thus making your work far more readable. There are several groups dedicated to helping authors to find editors and proof readers here on FimFiction.
Happy writing.
7178558
Thank you for commenting I really appreciate it. :)
This is my first story on here, so there are bound to be some mistakes. I'm sorry about all the parentheses I just wanted to be specific, and hopefully not leave readers with unanswered questions that they may have. Also the thing about the ellipses is you can use more if you feel so inclined to, yes three is the correct useage, but it's not a big thing if you use more, plus it sometimes helps with making the pauses more spaced out, in order for things to flow well together.
I will apologize for any other errors you may have found, I will be sure to work on improving my writing as I grow as a writer. And for now I would like to keep it as just a team of one for me, I may consider taking on an editor or a proof reader in the future, but for right now I would like to work by myself if that's alright.
I do write very often, and am learning all kinds of things about it each day, I proof read all my work and make sure everything is as good as I can make it. And although this is my first story I've written on here so far, it's not my first story ever, I have been writing on other sites for quite some time now and have come far since when I first started.
I thank you for all that you have said, and will take it all into consideration, and will work on improving myself as a writer on this site from here on out.
Thank you for reading, KillerChainsaw ;)
7179389
Well, it good to keep that can-do attitude. If you enjoy it, keep doing it. Though, I would still recommend someone to edit. If you really don't want to do that, I suggest finishing up a chapter, leave it for a few days, read a book or something in the meantime to refocus your brain, then go though your work and edit it yourself. You'd be supprised how much a fresh frame of mind can help to weed out errors.
As for the ellipses (or suspention points, in this case), I don't know where you got that notion from, but I'm afraid it's simply wrong. I know it might seem like longer ellipsis equals longer pause, but in reality, it just looks sloppy and amaturish. The writing itself should indicate how long a pause is. For example:
"I'm not exactly sure what you mean by that..." Rarity replied to the mare's odd statement, followed by an awkward silence.
or
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your..." Fluttershy's timid apologies trailed off into silence.
http://www.thepunctuationguide.com/ellipses.html
http://thewritepractice.com/how-to-use-an-ellipsis-correctly/ (see: "How Many Periods Are There In An Ellipsis?")
I'm glad you write this story it's very interesting to read keep up a good work update more soon. questions is it a rainbow dash and twilight pairing just wanted to know?
7180937
I always have a can-do attitude. :D
And I will think about getting an editor in the future but for now I'll just work by myself, and yes I will most certainly do as you said, I just wanted to get this first chapter out quickly, because I was busy on other days and couldn't spend too long going over it, but I will spend more time looking over my writing in future chapters.
As for the thing about the ellipses I got it from some books, and stories I had read online. And I can see where you're coming from, and I will use the correct useage (three) from here on out, after all I don't want my writing looking sloppy. :)
Thank you again for all that you have said it all really helps me as a writer.
KillerChainsaw ;)
7182015
Thank you ever so much for reading and commenting. :D
Glad you are interested in the story so far, I plan to update it this week (hopefully either on Friday or Saturday), and yes it is a Twidash fic. :)
KillerChainsaw ;)
weeeelllllllll
Okay I think I already like it that this story isn't exactly canon, but on the other hand I'm a bit affraid if you maybe just let Rainbow Dash hit on her in a rather weird way.
I mean I honestly thought it would start after seaseon 3 was it?
I just hope for something more interessting personality than Rainbow just being some sort of bad girl that is trying to get the new princess into her bed, and Twilight being the helpless damsel in distress.
Other than that I think it is actually pretty interessting, but maybe a bit to soon for Twilight to just allow every stranger to call her just Twilight, I would like it if others would have to well sort of earn it, I'm just in the mood for that.
7194954
Thank you for commenting, and yes Twilight isn't very good with naming dragons as you can tell XD
I don't think you're getting Rainbow Dash's character in this, she isn't exactly a 'bad girl' as such, the ponies in Ponyvile just don't like her since the ponies from Ponyvile and the pegasi from Cloudsdale don't get along at all. Plus she hasn't got any sort of feelings for Twilight, she's just welcoming the new Princess like Applejack and Rarity did, she's also not hitting on her or trying to get her into her bed, she's just being friendly really.
And don't worry that's not what this story is about, Dash has no feeling towards Twilight (...yet) and Twilight is most certainly not going to be the damsel in distress character, you will see this as the story carries on. ;)
Twilight hasn't been a Princess for very long so she is a little uncomfortable with everypony calling her as such, so she's telling them to call her by her name since that is what she is used to other ponies calling her. And besides the only ones that are calling her by her name right now are Applejack, Rarity and Spike, so it's not that many. :)
Glad you are liking the story so far. :D
KillerChainsaw ;)
your summery does not really give any one the proper idea of what this story is. and i do not know if any one has pointed this out to you but..... it was just really bugging me.... hope your not upset
"Later into the day Twilight and Spike had met a VERY energetic and excitable bright pink Earth pony named Pinkie Pie, who co-owns the bakery in Ponyvile, a timid and very shy Pegasus pony named Fluttershy, who helps to take care of most of the animals in Ponyvile, the Mayor of the town, Mayor Mare, and many other ponies that both Twilight and Spike had forgotten the names of by now."
(every thing in bold....)
7532429
That was kinda of the intention for this story, I left it with a little bit of a vague summary because I just wanted to give this story a sort of setting, this means that you won't know what the story is really about unless you read the first two chapters, and then you can decide if you want to keep reading or not, which is totally fine either way, I don't mind really.
Sorry if this bugs you, and no one has told me this before now, you're the first. And you haven't upset me in the slightest, I'm not someone who gets offended very easily, and I love seeing comments with constructive criticism like yours, they help me improve as I'm growing as a writer and I thank you for that.
Thank you for telling me this, but I don't think I will be changing the summary anytime soon, after all I like the idea of leaving things to more of the imagination when you're going into a story, but I know that not everyone likes that, and that's okay, they just can go read some other story that is better suited to their tastes, I don't mind at all.
KillerChainsaw ;)
I hope you explain how Two be AME an alicorn. And poor Cadance, no Love for the Princess of Love.
You can get a free editor here https://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/]The Proofreader Group
7532429
"Pegasus" & "Minotaur" were both names of unique individuals. Thus, Spellcheck doesn't like it if you don't capitalize them but most authors don't. Also, Spellcheck doesn't like it if you make them plural.
"Screw Spellcheck", says I
This is a novel take on the story. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.