WinterLily trailed behind RainbowDash out of their room, and strode down the stairs to the dining room table to speak- well- listen to her mother.
"Good morning, sweetheart!" Her mother greeted gleefully like all mothers would to their young. this can't be good she thought tensely, her mother was usually grumpy in mornings like this. She sat down in a chair pulled out by rainbow, the cushion was soft and comfortable. Her mothers facial expression changed quickly but, by the tone of her voice, her mother wanted her to stay calm. All the more reason to not be.
"So what's the big news you were talking about?" Dash asked curiously hoping for Wonderbolts tickets or something. Winter's mother couldn't hold it back anymore.
"We're moving!" She bursted cheerfully, a big smile slapped on her face, as far as Winter would tell. She realized this what this meant and couldn't help but think of bad things, would any pony not in her situation?. What no! I don't want to go mama I don't want to move! All the ponies are going to be mean to me! Tears started streaming down her face and Rainbow wrapped a wing around her comfortingly like an older sister.
Rainbow always acting like a sister to her, from the day she was born, through every moment when her father died, to right now. No matter the situation, her cousin had been through it all with her. This still didn't comfort her though.
"It's ok kiddo, it's just a house, it can't hurt you," She tried to calm Winter with a soothing tone. It didn't work her tears kept falling on the soft cloud floor below her. She opened her mouth and tried to scream as hard as she could to give her a voice nothing happened. A few minutes later Winter slammed her hooves onto the table and stormed off to her room, flinging the door shut.
_*_
That night WinterLily cried herself to sleep. How could she not have? Being blind and mute, moving? New school? This was too hard for her to take in. Had any pony she knew moved before? She stopped that thought and sat there, staring out her window. Half of the night she sat there in silence listening to the cicadas that flew to cloudsdale every spring. She loved them, their chirping symphony and she was disappointed when they left in the summer.
As the night slowly faded into the morning, the melody came to a stop. WinterLily's head rested softly on her pillow and the quiet pink filly fell asleep. She woke up by a tap on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, but were trying to get this bed into the truck," WinterLily opened her eyes and tilted her head to the side as her universal sign to say 'why?'. The mare caught her blind eyes.
"We're the moving company, were here to take your items to your new home," She said quickly in a happy voice. WinterLily stood in a completely bare room, all the posters of Wonderbolts and Rainbow's retro lava lamp had been taken away. Of course WinterLily hadn't seen any of it. She trudged down the stairs to the kitchen, when she was picked up by someone. She tried to get free of their grip, and she bit them.
"Ow! What's the deal, Winter?" She knew that voice, it was Rainbow. She hung her head in shame as to say sorry. "It's alright, just don't bite ponies when we get to ponyville, they'll think your a vampony or whatever ponies think these days. Then twilight will do some experiments on you, then you'll get classified as a psychopath," Rainbow trailed off a little. The thought scared her, Vamponies? They didn't sound nice and she didn't want to run into one. Who was Twilight and why did she want to classify her as a psychopath? Thoughts started clouding her young, imaginative mind as many fillies and colts did at her age.
I can not express in words how bad this story is, instead I will just give you all of my no
4311003
...There are some mean things, really mean things, I could say right now. But I'm a class act.
For the love of god, take a creative writing class. Don't write again until you get an A.
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I'm not even going to tell this guy what he's done wrong, because I'd be forced to say 'everything,' and that'd be a cop-out.
Oi. New guy. CreamMocha. Read this.
Don't come back until you can comprehend it and write at least a page worth of something coherent.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
You want a word? I can think of one.
If she's blind, why are you describing what she looks like? It might be third person narration, but it's all from her point of view. Why didn't she think it was her mother or Rainbow Dash at first?
And they're moving like the very next day?
GRAMMAR ERROR! GRAMMAR ERROR! GRAMMAR ERROR!
Run before you hurt your eyes for life!
I will drink her blind filly tears
I really like the idea of a blind pony, but maybe for the next chapters, try to let more happen. Maybe i am easy to impress, but i know what i like and how the character seems to act is to my like.
I see you take already a few spaces and it is better, but i think a bit more of wouldn´t hurt. And i don´t understand why they are say you could not describe the world because the main Char is blind, how do they think you should tell the story if you dont do this?
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Well i think she could not just write, that the character fell something or there speak someone because she is blind.
Why should he/she not descibe it for us? You just have to think she does not know it.
I really hope something nice happend to her.
I like if there is something bad in the story, but i always love a happy end
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You know you should watch your tone, the story may need a lot of editing! Yet that does not mean have to rude and to say to be ashamed of yourself!!!!! I'm sorry but that is uncalled for!!!!!!!!!!!
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Don't be so rude!!!!! Seriously!!!!!
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Or what? You'll attack me with more exclamation points?
Thumb up and fav. You still need editor.
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Nothing I was just stating! That you don't have to be rude! We are all apart of the same fandom. We don't like when other people who don't follow make fun of other bronies so why should we criticize each other on fan works that people only want to do for the fun and love of community!.
4313535
Wait for it...
If this is in third person, why is the description in first person? There's this wonderful, amazing thing here. Guess what it's called?
Consistency!
You need to get some of that. Oh, and a less cheesy sob story. Ugh. The one you have now was so cheesy I used it to top pizza. Oddly enough, it made the pizza taste like tears... Delicious.
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What can I say? It's a skill.
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First off, CONGRATS you were a jerk to me! Big deal. You can point out bad things about my story? I can point out bad things about your comments. I appreciate the notice of something wrong with my work, but next time please say it without jerk things after it. Also I'm not a dude... If you didn't say something mean sorry.
And thank you. I wish these other people realized that earlier
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4313983 You are in Plan 9. What the heck were you expecting, a train of roses to celebrate your errors? Take it like a man. I did read your comment about not being a man (cough rule 37 cough), but still. Take it like a man.
4313983
Believe me, I was being nice.
For instance, I could have simply suggested you slam your hands in a car door until you lose all feeling above the wrists without linking you to the writing guide..
4313983 Yes you can point out bad things about our comments, although I'm sure would be better suited to finding the bad things in your own damn story and fixing them. Also...
Yeah I hear this a lot and my response is still the same.
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About your second part to that comment...what the heck are you expecting?! It's a blind kid who can't speak! It's supposed to be a sob story. I'm not freaking PenStroke or anything.
Also thank you for the burn because I just used your pizza as aloe