Hi everypony I'm WinterLily, I'm not actually speaking to you though because I was born mute, heck I don't even know if I'm doing this right! I'm blind too. My mama just told me we were moving away from our apartment in cloudsdale to ponyville and I don't know what to do anymore...what if I'm made fun of? What If I trip down the stairs and get hurt? What if a baby dragon comes delivering a message through fire breath and I'm in the middle of it?! I don't know if I can make it....
Taking it off hatius! :D also sorry for the confusion, this story is written in THIRD PERSON so if you were expecting first person sorry.
Chapters (4)
I can not express in words how bad this story is, instead I will just give you all of my no
4311003
...There are some mean things, really mean things, I could say right now. But I'm a class act.
For the love of god, take a creative writing class. Don't write again until you get an A.
4311015
I'm not even going to tell this guy what he's done wrong, because I'd be forced to say 'everything,' and that'd be a cop-out.
Oi. New guy. CreamMocha. Read this.
Don't come back until you can comprehend it and write at least a page worth of something coherent.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Oh my god, the walls of text are suffocating me! I'm drowning in a sea of useless information!
You want a word? I can think of one.
If she's blind, why are you describing what she looks like? It might be third person narration, but it's all from her point of view. Why didn't she think it was her mother or Rainbow Dash at first?
And they're moving like the very next day?
GRAMMAR ERROR! GRAMMAR ERROR! GRAMMAR ERROR!
Run before you hurt your eyes for life!
I will drink her blind filly tears
Dude?
Dude.
I'm going to be straight with you.
This is bad.
However, that doesn't mean you can't improve. To start off, read the writing guide.
I think you nee to make spaces, it is maybe a bit short but i am ok with the story so far. And it is not inportant for me if it is professional or not, it is sometimes better to read a not perfect story.
Just try to make a few spaces, maybe then it could be read easier and i could understand more of it.
I really like the idea of a blind pony, but maybe for the next chapters, try to let more happen. Maybe i am easy to impress, but i know what i like and how the character seems to act is to my like.
I see you take already a few spaces and it is better, but i think a bit more of wouldn´t hurt. And i don´t understand why they are say you could not describe the world because the main Char is blind, how do they think you should tell the story if you dont do this?
4311220
Well i think she could not just write, that the character fell something or there speak someone because she is blind.
Why should he/she not descibe it for us? You just have to think she does not know it.
I really hope something nice happend to her.
I like if there is something bad in the story, but i always love a happy end
4311120
You know you should watch your tone, the story may need a lot of editing! Yet that does not mean have to rude and to say to be ashamed of yourself!!!!! I'm sorry but that is uncalled for!!!!!!!!!!!
4311015
Don't be so rude!!!!! Seriously!!!!!
4313425
Or what? You'll attack me with more exclamation points?
Thumb up and fav. You still need editor.
4313535
Nothing I was just stating! That you don't have to be rude! We are all apart of the same fandom. We don't like when other people who don't follow make fun of other bronies so why should we criticize each other on fan works that people only want to do for the fun and love of community!.
4313535
Wait for it...
If this is in third person, why is the description in first person? There's this wonderful, amazing thing here. Guess what it's called?
Consistency!
You need to get some of that. Oh, and a less cheesy sob story. Ugh. The one you have now was so cheesy I used it to top pizza. Oddly enough, it made the pizza taste like tears...
Delicious. 
4313595
What can I say? It's a skill.
4311003
4311007
4311015
4311120
4311199
4311353
First off, CONGRATS you were a jerk to me! Big deal. You can point out bad things about my story? I can point out bad things about your comments. I appreciate the notice of something wrong with my work, but next time please say it without jerk things after it. Also I'm not a dude... If you didn't say something mean sorry.
And thank you. I wish these other people realized that earlier
4311472
4313983 You are in Plan 9. What the heck were you expecting, a train of roses to celebrate your errors? Take it like a man. I did read your comment about not being a man (cough rule 37 cough), but still. Take it like a man.
4313983
Believe me, I was being nice.
For instance, I could have simply suggested you slam your hands in a car door until you lose all feeling above the wrists without linking you to the writing guide..
4313983 Yes you can point out bad things about our comments, although I'm sure would be better suited to finding the bad things in your own damn story and fixing them. Also...
Yeah I hear this a lot and my response is still the same.
4311003
4311015
4311120
Each and every one of you is an incredible asshole. There's no reason to put down a prospective writer like that. You need to chill, and learn to be courteous to those learning the craft.
4313983 Hey, don't listen to these trolls ok? Don't take it to heart, I'm not entirely sure what their agenda was, but it obviously wasn't to help you improve your writing. So, let me try to help.
First off, you need an editor, very badly, and a couple pre-readers wouldn't hurt either. I feel like you need to familiarize yourself with some different styles of writing so you can pick up some cool tricks and improve your grammar too, basically, read more. ALOT more. Second, you need to work on the pacing, a good editor could help you there.
Work on your grammar, and work on your pacing, and I think You'll have a good story here. I think you have an interesting concept down already, you just need to improve on the execution. Take this as a learning experience, and don't bother acknowledging the negativity. If they're not offering help, it isn't important. I'd volunteer myself to help out, but unfortunately I'm booked with school and other projects. Good luck on your story! I think you have potential!
4313998 i just checked out that group and one author i ended up looking at but it just ended up making me mad cause how dumb everyone was acting
I would like it if you try to let them talk a bit about Winter Lilly, it is nothing important i just thought i would read how applejack react to Winter Lilly.
I can only give you the tipp to make the Chapter twice that long, because i think most of them are just familiar to read more in one chapter.
I agree with EpicSPAR, just give your best and have fun
PS: I really like your story, it doesn´t even matter how it look like for me or something like that
4319942
4321238
Thanks for the tips, once I reread this twice I realized "oh crap I do need someone to edit for me"
Plus any grammar mistakes are auto correct I use an iPad to make chapters
4321238
: Rainbow? You have a daughter?!
: wha? No! This is my cousin!
Also I needed to make the chapter short but AJ's original reaction to Winter was something like this
But like I said, the chapter was quick and I thought that it would sound awkward and a lot of blushing would be involved.
Seriously needs an edit but not a bad start.
4313662
About your second part to that comment...what the heck are you expecting?! It's a blind kid who can't speak! It's supposed to be a sob story. I'm not freaking PenStroke or anything.
Also thank you for the burn because I just used your pizza as aloe
4311389
Which sections do you suggest? I don't want to go over all of that for one story and it might be the case that I only need those sections for all of my writing
4327307
Look, man. That's the wrong attitude to have. With this much negitivity, you must know you are doing more than a few things poorly.
Just . . . Just read the whole thing. Okay? Please? That's what I strongly suggest, then find other guides and do the same. I read the entire Writing Guide top to bottom before I even typed my first chapter. Everything in there can and will help you on this story and all future ones.
I'm trying to be honest here.
I love this so far! I don't know why it has the like/dislike ratio it does....
I don't know about the word prompt thing but you should try to have her meet the mane six and make their interactions longer. Also what age is she? At first i got the impression she was a full grown mare like the mane six but now i am thinking she is the crusaders age.
Also ignore nightwolf289 he tends to be curt and not focus of content. He is all criticism and no encouragement.
4327194 Tear pizza makes great aloe, especially when the tears come from little Helen Keller foals like your OC.
On another note, you seem not to understand that there is a big difference between a sad but understandable story and a sob story.
Sob stories make you roll your eyes while reading, while sad stories make you relate to the characters and feel at least somewhat attached to them. Good sad stories have well paced plots, reasonably spaced hardships, and characters that actually have life and personality instead of their entire presence existing of either unbounded optimism or constant brooding. They also don't lay it on too thick with the hardships, because then the character starts to feel fake and plastic instead of real and relateable.
This is less a matter of talent and more a matter of effort. Good sad stories take many hours, multiple proofreads, and powerful emotion from the author, all of which are things accomplishable by any author on this site who is willing to go the extra mile. "I'm not Pen Stroke" isn't a good reason, it's an excuse for laziness or cutting corners.
4328639 That's kinda the point of a critic. To criticize. Encouragement where it isn't needed helps no-one. Honestly, he wasn't even being outright rude. I think you are mixing blunt honesty with rude discouragement.
4330197
Yes I understand critics, this guy has commented on my stories a couple times. However after his comment all I felt like doing was trashing the story.
While you shouldn't just throw praise at everything you don't have to stress how bad they are at parts, a simple: I like where this is going but you should get an editor, you have a lot of typo's" Is a good way to put it. also suggesting kindly, to try reading the guide is a good rather than saying "Man you really need to read the guide" (not to quote anything)
Basically he could stand to put a positive spin on his criticism
4330492 I really can't argue with that. I do have a problem with people sugarcoating things, but it is true that constant harshness can have the opposite effect of helping. I just see it as the way of each person.
I tend to be sarcastic and blunt, but I also try to respond to questions to the best of my abilities. In that way, I'm like a lot of critics on this site; sometimes cruel, but still sending an actual message. Some people criticize with complements woven through with suggestions, and some criticize with harsh truths woven with expertise. Most people just tend to fall into the latter category, probably because it is far easier to insult than it is to complement.
What I try to do is see it as them trying to help in their own way. They wouldn't be including actual references to helpful material or good advice if they didn't want other authors to get better, even if it is for selfish reasons. Heck, most of them wouldn't even take the time to comment if they really didn't have some urge to solicit improvement. I'm probably being a whopping hypocrite with this entire comment, seeing as I am quite often insulting, but I just wanted to toss my own two cents in here and see if they can help someone else see a new perspective.
Cheers.
4330492
Look, I can be a bit blunt at times, but I never aim for rude.
I don't quite know how to word this, but I'll give it a shot: if you feel a little bit bad for making something bad, that's good. (That sounds really mean, but I can't think of a way to word it better.) Take that feeling. Embrace it. Let it fuel your desire not to feel that way. Go. Read. Learn. Practice. Come back stronger.
Let me give you an example: I gave a guy a particularly harsh review on an absolute train wreck (slight exaggeration). And guess what. It made him feel like ****. But he wanted proof, so I went through his story top to bottom and gave him a detailed list of items. It made him feel worse, but he wanted more. So I ripped that story a new one, several, in fact. I brutalized it. I even made his "Top Ten List of Things that Have Made Me Feel Bad In 2013."
Guess what happened next? He thanked me and followed me. He went off, learned, read, grew, found editors. He asked me to come back and look it over. So I did.
I almost didn't recognize it. Something that I almost downvoted earned my like and fave because I gave him a blunt review. If I hadn't have done that, he wouldn't have known that he needed to work on anything.
Sometimes you have to be hurt to grow. If all you get is half-hearted criticism, it doesn't have the same effect. Again, example: the same person I was talking about got half-hearted "you should probably work on this, . . ." but it didn't make him want to change anything because it wasn't strong enough.
And I will always back up any of my comments with proof; otherwise, I won't say anything. (Either that or apologize. I'm only human and have been known to make mistakes.)
4331693
4331308
Dang, that was a little touching. Yeah this is pretty much a bunch of crap right now but I'm working on it. My main problem is that the chapters are rushed because I'm really busy with school and crap. I've been reading over the writing guide and I've been working a little on it so it should start to get better.
4328639
Thanks for being nice and yes she's the crusaders age. The whole thing about the one word prompt is just that I need ideas and I dot want to focus too much on the main six reactions because its not important to the story line.