The Incredibly Boring and Uninteresting Adventures of Maud Pie and Boulder

by Jet Kusanagi

The Morning

The sun came warm and soft through my window. It must have been early in the morning. I did not understand how I could have slept so late.

I quickly got out of bed and washed myself in the bathroom. I changed into another frock and took my saddlebag with my supplies downstairs. A couple of ponies were in the dining room eating breakfast, though not nearly as many as were there last night. The unicorn bartender was behind the counter as well, wiping away at a glass. If I did not know any better, I would say that it was the exact same glass that he was cleaning last night.

He noticed me as I walked by, brightening up immediately. “G'day, lil' sheila!” he called out to me. “Hold on for a sec there.” He ducked behind the counter and shuffled some stuff around. He came back up with a piece of plagioclase feldspar.

My favorite.

“I went out back and found this lil' beaut for ya,” he said, floating the rock over to me. “On the house! Consider it a thank you from yours truly. That bloke you took out has been a heap a' trouble lately. Thank Celestia you came along to shut him up.”

I took the feldspar and started to munch on it. It was relatively chewy and sour, which was just how liked it. “Thanks,” I said after swallowing. “That was kind of you.”

“Think nuttin' of it, lil' sheila!” the bartender said. “Have fun at the mine!” He went back to washing his perpetually dirty glass. I walked outside of the inn.

The orchard was a little ways away from the town. I had thought about it before, but it really was interesting how this town had not changed much at all since I had come here last. It made me a little nostalgic.

The orchard had not changed much either. It was still quite large, which was necessary to support an entire town with both food and money. There were signs directing tourists and hopefuls to the gold mine, which a couple of ponies were following. There was a small commotion ahead. I must have been getting close.

Once I arrived at the site, there was a large crowd already there. I did not expect so many ponies to be here this early. However, they did all look...upset? Angry? I have a hard time processing emotions, so it was difficult to tell.

At the very least, they did not look happy.

Sheriff Grimes was standing on top of a particularly large tri-coloured sandstone. He looked...distressed, for some reason. “I'm sorry, everyone! These things happen!”

A red pegasus flew above the crowd so that she could be heard more easily. “Are you kiddin' me? Yo, this is messed up!”

“Yeah, what she said!” another pony spoke up.

“What kinda bull are you tryna' pull heya!?” somepony else said.

“I understand that you all are upset,” Grimes said, holding up his hooves defensively. “An investigation is currently underway. For now, I need all of you to leave this area until we can get this situation figured out.”

There was a lot of grumbling from the crowd, but eventually everyone left except for Grimes. Now that all of the ponies were gone, I was able to get a better look at the surroundings. There was a giant hole in the ground leading down into a tunnel. I could tell that this was part of the orchard since several apple trees surrounded it and this space looked as if it had been cleared out. There was a rope preventing, or discouraging, access to the tunnel.

“Stone Cold Maudy! I didn't see ya there!”

I sighed heavily as Braeburn came out of the hole. He was covered in sediment. “Hello,” I greeted.

Grimes noticed me as well and jumped off of the sandstone rock that doubled as his podium. He was half-smiling. “Hey there, Miss Maud,” he greeted.

“What is going on?” I asked.

Braeburn shook his head. “You won't believe it, Maudy! Somethin' terrible and strange has 'appened!”

He paused and looked me in the eyes, like he was waiting for me to respond to the statement. When I did not, he continued. “There's been a cave-in!”

A cave-in? At first glance the tunnel did not look like it had caved in. “May I see it?” I asked. If there was anyone around here that knew something about this subject, it was me.

Grimes stepped in front of me, shaking his head. “Sorry, Miss Maud. It's much too dangerous. Who knows if the rest of the tunnel will hold up while you're down there?”

“I am not planning on traversing that far into the tunnel,” I explained. I stepped to the side, but Grimes blocked my way again. “I only wish to see the state of the cave.”

“Yeah, c-uhm, Sheriff,” Braeburn said. He grabbed me by the neck and roughed up my hair. I had just straightened it this morning. “Besides, she's spent her whole life in the rocks 'n dirt! She knows how ta' handle herself!”

Grimes expression turned stern. “I said no and that is final.”

Braeburn looked a little taken aback. He released me from the headlock and took a step backward. “Y-yes, Sheriff Grimes.”

Grimes sighed and put a hoof on his cousin's shoulder. “Listen...I just don't want anything bad happening while the mayor is away. He's depending on me to keep the town in order and everyone safe.”

“I know,” Braeburn assured. He perked up. “But if anyone can 'elp out, it's her!” He looked at me. “Right?”

I did not respond. Something did not smell right...literally. I lowered my head and sniffed the ground. “Iron...” I muttered. “...and sulfur.”

“What?” the two stallions asked. I did not think that they heard me. Now, I think I understood why Grimes was trying to keep me out of the tunnel. I decided to play this nonchalantly.

I looked at Grimes and then at Braeburn. “Nothing,” I said. I took Boulder out of my pocket. “I forgot to feed him this morning. I should head back to town.”

“Ummm...alright,” Grimes said. He looked like he was not sure what was going on. Braeburn looked ecstatic though.

“Hey there, Boulder!” Braeburn greeted, putting his face right into Boulder's. “I haven't seen ya' in ages! How's it been goin' for ya?”

I waited for Boulder's reply and nodded. “He says that he has been doing fine,” I spoke for him. It was hard for most ponies to hear what Boulder was saying. The only other pony that could ever hear him was my youngest sister, Pinkie. “He wanted me to ask you 'How's life in the fast lane?'”

Braeburn chuckled. “Ha, you should tell me, lil' man!”

“Braeburn?” Grimes pulled his cousin aside. “I need your help securing this area. We don't have time to talk to rocks.”

“Sorry, Boulder,” Braeburn apologized. “Duty calls.”

I nodded and placed Boulder back into my pocket. “He says that he will talk to you later. Good bye.”

Grimes removed his hat and bowed a little. “I'll see you later, Miss Maud. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

Braeburn waved. “See ya, Boulder! Catch ya' later, Stone Cold!”

I walked away from the two of them back towards the town. I hated that name, but Braeburn seemed to enjoy calling me that so I did not protest. However, something was going on here that I did not care for. There were not many rocks that I did not like, but there was certainly one that I hated more than any other. And this town was full of it.

Once I got back to the inn, I saw that there were a couple of ponies standing outside of it. One of them was the muscular pony I had flipped into the table last night. I did not have much of an interest in speaking to him, so I tried to just walk past him. Two other ponies noticed me though and were pretty quick to point me out.

One of them was an older Earth pony with a sparse gray and white mane. He was pale white in colour. He smiled at me, showing a row of stained, yellow teeth. "'Ello, there. What 'ave we 'ere?" he said with a strange accent. I had not heard it in this part of Equestria.

The other pony was far more fat than muscular. He was bronze coloured and had no mane: only a short, black tail. He chortled and flashed a toothless smile. "Dat woodent be da' mare dat piledrived ya' inna table, would it Bound?" He chortled again.

The muscular one gave the fat one a hard stare, but he did not seem to notice and just continued laughing. He sighed and looked at me. I did not smell any cider on him this time around. His eyes were a little red, though. This time around, he was not slurring his words. "You did a real number on me last night, little one," Bound said. He did not have an accent as far as I could tell.

I did not respond. I only looked at him.

When I did not speak, he looked like he wanted to fight me again. "I would like to see you try that again when I haven't had a drink or two."

"Challengin' the sweetlin' to a fight, eh Bound?" the pale white pony asked with a grin. "This is the manliest I've ever seen ya." He started a laugh that quickly turned into a racking cough.

Bound ignored him and continued talking to me. "If I were you, I wouldn't let that happen again." He leaned in close to my face and looked me right in the eye. "Understand?"

I looked at him blankly. "Let what happen again?"

That seemed to set him off. He dove for me, but his two companions held him back. "'old yer humans, mate!" the old pony advised. "This ain't a battle worth fightin'!"

The fat one nodded. "Yesh! She might go an' jush break yore spine in 'aff dis time aroun'!" He chortled again.

Bound shrugged the two ponies off of him and grunted. He galloped away from the Inn. The fat one chased after him, but it was slow going for him.

The old white pony addressed me with a smile. "Don't take it too personally, sweetlin'," he said. "Bound is a proud figh'er an' an even prouder drinker. Gettin' beat ina' fight by a mare ain't a wound he'll be like to recover from quickly." He paused and smiled even bigger. "Even if she is a Pie."

I raised an eyebrow. "You know who I am?"

"I know of ya', Maud Pie," he clarified. "I recognized ya' when ya' flipped 'im over the table. Or rather...I recognized yer' mother."

"My mother?" I repeated.

"She was a friend a' mine from years ago," he explained. "Way 'afore you or your sisters were born. Perhaps I'll tell ya' the tale one a' these days." He yawned and stretched. "For now, I think I'll 'ave a drink."

"It is 11 o'clock in the morning," I pointed out.

He smiled, flashing those yellowed teeth of his. "It's 11 at night somewhere in the world, sweetlin'."

Comments

[Albi]

The mystery begins.

[statoose]

This chapter was incredibly boring and uninteresting. Just what I signed on for.

–I changed into another frock and took my saddlebag with my supplies downstairs.

I imagine Maud's wardrobe must be like Applejack and Apple Bloom's. All one outfit; in this case, sweet frocks.

–If I did not know any better, I would say that it was the exact same glass that he was cleaning last night.

Such is the nature of bartenders.
Also, is it surprising that I imagine this stallion to be voiced by The Sniper (TF2)?

[Jet Kusanagi]

4139406 He's just a generic Australian bartender stereotype, hence the cleaning of one glass over and over again

[MrE]

Things are about to get more interesting
...
...
or not
Cant wait for more

[Jet Kusanagi]

4168809 Probably not, considering the subject matter

Thanks for the comment!

[SpikeyWikey]

"'old yer humans, mate!"

I hate, hate, HATE when fanfic writers use that phrase.

When I read fanfics, I like to pretend I'm reading official content, and I imagine it playing out as an actual episode, without the strict limitations of the Y-rating. But this phrase is so jarring that it reminds me that I'm not reading official content, and I can't enjoy it as much anymore.

No-one in Equestria would ever say "hold your humans", because humans don't live in Equestria, and the human AU was discovered too recently for that phrase to catch on. Besides, the phrase "Hold your horses" has been said in the show many times, primarily by Applejack.

[Fareseed]

4140686
Ah, I though he sounded Australian stereotype. Wasn't sure of it before.

[Walabio]

The iron could be from mining equipment and the sulfur from gunpowder used in mining, or they could have the same source. Perhaps Maud smells iron pyrite (FeS2), often known as fools’ gold.

[SIGAWESOME]

I took the feldspar and started to munch on it. It was relatively chewy and sour, which was just how liked it. “Thanks,” I said after swallowing. “That was kind of you.”

Mmmm! Mmmm! Fresh feldspar straight from the ground, just like grandmum used to make! Yum!

I did not respond. Something did not smell right...literally. I lowered my head and sniffed the ground. “Iron...” I muttered. “...and sulfur.”

“What?” the two stallions asked. I did not think that they heard me. Now, I think I understood why Grimes was trying to keep me out of the tunnel.

Maud's excitement and enthusiasm is almost palpable present.
derpicdn.net/img/2014/4/23/607945/small.png

"For now, I think I'll 'ave a drink."

"It is 11 o'clock in the morning," I pointed out.

No no no Miss Pie!
The correct response is "It is 11 o'clock in the morning and I have 5 hours of drinking to catch up on!"

[ShortAttentionSpan]

hold yer humans

media.tumblr.com/a32caf91dd1185da2bd29f4b5fb90074/tumblr_inline_n9y8p8tXbV1ssuxms.gif

[Boulder]

4465909 Bingo, we have a winner.

[Boulder]

4140686 Wouldn't last long in a pub here in Oz if he did that, we tend to turn over the glasses quite regularly here.