zomg vamponies, or, Fluttershy the Hunter

by bahatumay

Twilight's Research, or, Fluttershy's List of Proof

Bright and early the next morning, Fluttershy walked up to the Ponyville Library and knocked timidly.
"Oh, I hope I didn't wake her up or anything...."
No response.
"Maybe she's still asleep, I should come back later, it's probably way too early."
Suddenly, the door opened, with one very tired baby dragon on the other side.
"Nope, she's awake. And she has been for some time now, which means I have been too. She's been doing research and laughing uncontrollably every couple minutes." He motioned for her to come in.
"Why laughing?" Fluttershy was slightly confused. Did Twilight not understand how important this was?
"Some of the things the books say are.... weird."
"Weird?"
Twilight looked up from what could only be described as a small mountain of books. "I've been researching vamponies and vampony hunters. Here, it says that the best vampony hunters in Romaneia usually were born on Saturday. I was born on a Tuesday. Sorry, Fluttershy."
She neglected to mention that, out of pure scientific curiosity, she had calculated Fluttershy's day of birth. Coincidentally, she had been born on a Saturday; but the last thing Twilight wanted to do was give her any more ideas, so she kept that little factoid to herself.
"Oh," Fluttershy said. She picked up a wooden stake that was on the ground and held it in her mouth, swinging it experimentally.
"Apparently, to become a vampony in some legends, an animal jumps over your corpse. It also says that in some legends, vamponies can control certain animals."
"Oh." Fluttershy swung her stake once more, then stopped. "Wait! I can do that! I can talk to animals! Twilight, what if I am a vampony??"
"Fluttershy, calm down. That wooden stake you're holding is a piece of white ash wood. If you were a vampony, you would have been screaming in pain by now..."
"Ouch!"
"....and not just from a splinter."

Having remedied the splinter situation (much less harrowing than a papercut), Twilight and Fluttershy began to discuss. Or, to put it more accurately, Twilight got to ramble on about her research, while Fluttershy tried to listen for anything important.
"All right. According to my research, the most sure way of killing a vampony is stabbing it through the heart with a wooden stake. Wood itself seems to sting them, but only a strike through the heart is deadly."
"But that would kill anypony," Fluttershy protested.
"Which is why we aren't going to try that. Of course, we could give her a splinter and see how she reacts....”
“I just had a splinter. I didn't like it.”
“....Ok, we won't do that one, but there are more things vamponies can't stand. Now, according to this book right here... Garlic. It's the first thing that vamponies have an aversion to.”
“Oh.... that's what that smell was. I was wondering.”
Twilight proudly lifted a scroll. “Here is a checklist--triple checked, of course--of all the things that vamponies can't stand, according to legend."
Fluttershy looked over the list. Coincidentally, both parties shared the same thought: Hopefully, this will be proved by the end of the week. End of the day, if possible.
"So, skipping the wooden stake, number one is garlic, and a couple other herbs, like white hemlick. That sounds familiar, but I'm not really sure what that even is. I couldn't find it in The Big Book of Plants or Super Natural Cures, so it's probably rare or dangerous.”
"Oh, I know what that is."
"You do?"
"It's a little flower that grows in the Everfree. It's kindof bitter."
Twilight was going to ask how she knew that, but then remembered that story she had hear, about how post-Rainboom, Fluttershy had known the names of animals that she had never seen before, and decided not to press the issue. "Remember that for later. Number two: sunlight," Twilight read.
"Sunlight?"
"Their skins are very pale and white, and very sensitive to burns."
"Redheart is pale and white!"
"No, her coat is white. That's the problem with this method, we ponies have fur coats. So unless you want to shave Redheart without her knowing or noticing, we skip this step."
Fluttershy conceded. Of the many ways she had thought she might die, shaving a vampony was not on that list. Though if she convinced Rainbow Dash to do it as a prank....
No, she wouldn't ask her friend to do that. This was HER show, Fluttershy decided.
Twilight kept reading. "Silver is next."
"Why silver?"
"Vamponies can't break it."
"Why not?"
Twilight raised a hoof.... and quickly set it down again. "I'm not sure. It says vamponies are stronger than normal ponies, but for some reason they are weak around silver."
Fluttershy's eyes followed the list. "Why is 'Need to be invited in' scratched out?" she asked.
"Fluttershy. Nurse Redheart has been invited in every building. That's part of her job."
"Oh. Right."
"Number three. Arithmomania."
"Um.... Bless you?"
Twilight fought the urge to facehoof. "No.... Arithmomania is a mental disorder that may be seen as an expression of obsessive-compulsive disorder, and ponies who have this disorder have a strong need to count their actions or objects in their immediate surroundings."
Fluttershy blinked. Twilight sighed.
"They feel the need to count all the things."
"Oh...."
"Four--they have an obsessive reaction to blood."
Fluttershy shuddered. She had no qualms about other animals' blood, but when it came to her own, she would much rather not see. That blood donation had been startling enough; luckily, it had been in a bag and not splattered everywhere. "Can we test that one last?"
Twilight nodded in acceptance. "Five--they dislike timberwolves, because wood is the only way to kill them...."
"And timberwolves are made out of wood," Fluttershy finished the thought. Then, her eyes dilated. “How are we going to test that one?”
Twilight shook her head. "We won't. I sincerely doubt we'll get that far.” Twilight rolled up the scroll. “Well, that's about it. There are more, but they got extremely complicated, or end up in death for both normal ponies and vamponies."
"Oh, this should be plenty," Fluttershy said.
Twilight had thought of something else. She tried to convince herself it was part of the experience for Fluttershy, but she knew that she was really just covering her tail for when the search came up negative.
"You know another rule I read about vampony hunting? You never tell anypony else that you're doing it."
Fluttershy looked alarmed. "Why not? Wouldn't you want help?"
"You would.... but what if you ask for help from another vampony, who ends up double crossing you?"
Fluttershy's eyes widened. "Oh.... I didn't think of that. Is... is it ok if I've already told someone else?"
"Who?" Twilight asked, with a bit more urgency than she liked creeping into her voice.
"Angel Bunny," Fluttershy squeaked.
Oh. Crisis averted. The absolute last thing Twilight wanted was her other friends, or--perish the thought!--Princess Celestia knowing that Equestria's most promising magic-user wasted a week on a vampony chase. Because there were not, are not, and never would be such things as vamponies.
"So how do we get her to smell the garlic? And what happens when she smells it?"
"I'm not sure. The books all say 'revulsion' so I guess watch and see how she reacts. Possibly just a crinkling of the nose; best case scenario, dry heaves. And the getting it there part is easy. Just
bring it inside the clinic."
Fluttershy thought for a moment. "Wouldn't that be kindof suspicious?"
Twilight paused, then nodded assent. "Yeah, kindof...."
Spike raised a claw. "Well, what else would you do? Make garlic hay fries and eat them in front of her?" Obviously, he was still a bit bitter about the hay fry debacle of yesterday.
"Or garlic bread," Twilight suggested.
Fluttershy's eyes narrowed in anticipation. It was show time.

Comments

[Kaijutsu]

Oh, Celestia...
Edit: This was surprisingly good. I was quite shocked that this wasn't a troll fic. The writing flowed and was humorous throughout. Couple of grammar mistakes here and there but nothing that really stood out. In terms of characterization, Twilight is well written, if a little bit less caring than I remember. Not really noticeable difference, however. Fluttershy, on the other hand, seems a good deal more forceful and less kind than I would expect of her, mostly in her thoughts as opposed to her actual dialog. One more thing I have to address is that you have very few descriptions of the environs in the fic. I didn't really mind, as a fan of the show can easily fill in the gaps, but you might want to improve on that in future chapters.
Oh, and another thing! 496047 Can we trade? I like Luna more! :weneedalunaemoticon:

[Distrance]

Oh, Luna...

[ultra8]

This sounds interesting, plus it looks like you covered just about all the basic rules.

[nemryn]

Hmm, is that a 'Fluttershy Gets a Papercut' reference I see?