zomg vamponies, or, Fluttershy the Hunter

by bahatumay

Interlude: Cutie Mark Crusaders Vampony Hunters

Late the next morning, an excited young unicorn figuratively flew up the ladder leading up to the CMC clubhouse. It was a Saturday morning, and it was time for some crusading.

And frankly, after last night, Sweetie Belle was MORE than happy to be free of her sister for a little while.

Sweetie Belle burst in through the door. “I got a new idea for our cutie marks!” she announced proudly.

Her two companions hopped up from their poker game (which was good for Scootaloo—she was ahead two apples and she knew she would really want those later tonight).

“What is it?” Scootaloo asked excitedly.

“Well, anythin's better'n our last attempt,” Apple Bloom muttered.

Scootaloo stuck her tongue out at the earth filly. “Caddying was a good idea.”

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “Yer 'plan' was to follow Rainbow Dash aroun' everywhere she went. Ya do that anyway an' yer as blank as me.”

“Still have my idea,” Sweetie tried, but she was ignored as both her fellow crusaders attempted to earn a cutie mark in simultaneous yelling.

“Yeah? Well, maybe you should try something that has an ounce of cool in it, you little backwater....”

“I betcha just wanted Rainbow Dash's face on your flank, di'ncha, ya ostrich-brained....” (1)

Both were stopped by a white hoof in the mouth. “Girls! I got something.” Not waiting for further invitation, she began. “I was reading some of Rarity's romance novels....”

Scootaloo's face twitched in an involuntary expression of revulsion.

“....and it seems like they are always about how two ponies fall in love....”

Scootaloo felt a twinge of nausea. She licked her lips uncertainly.

“But it turns out that the beautiful mare's handsome stallion is a vampony!”

Scootaloo's stomach calmed, but only slightly. Vamponies might be cool. Might.

“But they figure out he's a vampony....”

Scootaloo's stomach seemed to be relaxing.

“And they go vampony hunting....”

Everything went better than expected, Scootaloo decided. Her stomach agreed.

“But then they find out that he's not bad, and then she falls in love with him again and joins him and then she lives with her handsome vampony stallion forever and ever!”

Scootaloo's stomach quickly called off all bets. The little pegasus gagged violently, her knees wobbled slightly. She felt the sour, acrid taste of bile in her mouth and swallowed shakily.

Apple Bloom had fared better with just a look of disgust, but she was far from convinced. “So.... yer plan is t' fall in love with a vampony? What would that even look like as a cutie mark? A heart with fangs or somethin'?”

Scootaloo's stomach gurgled threateningly. “Can't we try ziplining again or something?” she whispered weakly.

Sweetie Belle shook her head. “In all the stories, vamponies are strong, handsome, very gentlecolt like...”

“Please stop,” Scootaloo whimpered.

“...but I'm thinking we're too young for very special someponies, so we can go hunt them instead.”

“Why couldn't you have just started with that?” Scootaloo whined. (2)

* * *

Across town at the library, Twilight was feeling much better. The poison lemongrass had worn off, and Fluttershy had said that after last night, she wanted to take a short break from vampony hunting, so Twilight was, without a doubt, in a very happy mood, and she was very determined to make the most of this vampony-free day. (3) She happily dusted the shelves with all her windows and doors open, singing happily to herself. Normally this was Spike's job; but he, seeing how happy she was, decided to not rock any boats and went to go hang out at Rarity's.

Her dusting was interrupted by a visitor. "Hey, Twilight. Can I come in?"

Twilight looked up to see Berry Punch standing in (or, more accurately, leaning against) the doorway. "Of course. This is a public library, after all," she laughed lightly.

Berry Punch stumbled in. "Yeah, but sometimes ponies get mad if you come in wiffout asking first. Like when I went into Lotus's house. I'm still got the bruises."

Twilight suppressed a laugh, and the urge to correct her grammar. "I think the problem with that time was she found you in her bed, after she herself had gotten into her bed." Twilight remembered that night. She had learned some interesting new foreign swear words that night.

"I don't un'erstand why that would make her so mad," Berry said, stepping close to Twilight. "I've been told I'm really cuddly. You wanna help me find out why?"

Twilight quickly decided that while cuddling with a drunk Berry Punch was on her to-do list, it was close to 'befriend an angry cockatrice' (she still had nightmares about being turned to stone...) and 'make out with a teenage dragon' (4). "Uh, not really... Is there something I could help you find?" she asked.

Berry Punch paused thoughtfully. "I came in here for summat...."

"A book on the history of alcohol?" Twilight suggested playfully.

Berry must not have caught the playful tone or something, because she drew herself up to her full height, balancing precariously on her back hooves. "Just because I have a problem does not mean I am defined by my problem! You think just cause I like drinking that that's all I think about? You're wrong, Twilight."

"Sorry, I...."

"WRONG!"

"I... uh...."

"WRONG, I SAY!"

It's strange what goes through your mind at such a point. The only thing Twilight could think was, 'Luna would be pleased' (5).

Berry stopped and dropped to all fours. "Where was I?... Oh yeah—I'm lookin' for the next book in this series, it's pretty popular among the foals these days.... I even wrote it down." She reached behind herself and pulled out a paper. (6)

Twilight took the proffered paper, squinting to decipher the disjointed mouthwriting. "Oh, yeah, that just came in. I'll get it for you."

"Thanks. Ruby loves this series."

Twilight nodded as she scanned the shelves, selecting a book with her magic, and bringing it down for Berry.

As she took it, Berry Punch leaned in conspiratorially. "I do too," she added in a confidential whisper. "Even though it's supposed to be for foals."

As Berry Punch left with her prize, Apple Bloom walked in.

“Hey Twilight!” she called happily. “Ya got any books about vamponies?”

Twilight felt her right eye begin to twitch as she saw her plans for a vampony-free day begin to crumble before her very eyes.

* * *

Fluttershy walked down the street. She knew her vampony hunt was supposed to be confidential, but with the tests turning up negative results, she decided an outsider's opinion couldn't hurt.

Especially if the outsider giving the opinion was a master of strangeness and the unnatural herself.

As Fluttershy walked down to Sugarcube Corner, her heart started racing as she watched the ponies around her. It was slightly disturbing, the things she noticed, once she started looking.

Bon Bon was looking at jewelry, but none of the things on the table were made of silver....

Derpy was concentrating intensely on counting all of her muffins.... (7)

Lotus was walking to the market, but she was obviously making a concerted effort to stay in the shade....

Carrot Top stood smiling by her cart, but she too was standing completely in the shade....

A horrifying thought crossed her mind. What if every pony here was secretly a vampony and she was the only normal one? (8)

She shivered and ran into Sugarcube Corner.

Pinkie Pie was sweeping up something in the front of the store. She perked up even more than usual when she saw Fluttershy. "Hello there, Fluttershy!" she shouted, and then Pinkie Pie popped up from behind the counter. "What can I get for you?"

'Vamponies are faster than regular ponies.' The thought popped unbidden into Futtershy's head. She would have been afraid (she was already a little worried), but then remembered that time Rainbow Dash had shaved Pinkie Pie's cutie mark off as a prank, revealing her light pink skin, and the only thing Pinkie had gotten was amused (no sunburn).

She also had gotten revenge, if Fluttershy remembered correctly. She still couldn't fathom how the earth pony had managed to swap Rainbow's shampoo for black dye, let alone get up to her cloudhouse in the first place, but she had succeeded. Tomcolt she may have been, but Rainbow Dash was still very proud of her unique, colorful mane.

She shook her head and returned to the present. "Oh, nothing really.... it isn't much.... I was just wondering if you knew anything about vamponies."

Pinkie's eyes widened. "V- vamponies? VAMPONIES??"

"Um.... yes?"

Pinkie's eyes narrowed. "Oh yes. Yes I do."

Suddenly, the world went dark, and Pinkie began to sing.

Some say they're a myth, or a legend at best,
But vamponies exist, and they never ever rest.
Vamponies are dangerous! So remember this rhyme,
And you just might live to see the sun one more time.
A vampony's tough and they like to play rough, and their teeth, they are sharper than iron,
And they always wear leather, no matter the weather, and they are master-crafting liars.
They love to pretend they want you as their friend, but they're always just looking to feed,
They drink blood that's red and don't stop til they're fed but by then you'll be quite dead indeed!
They never do sleep when the night's dark and deep, and they thirst for blood all the time,
So if your hope is to save your throat then you'd better listen to my rhyme.
A vampony's strong, but can't hold it for long, they are always consumed with desire,
Vamponies hate garlic and white river hemlick and they die if you burn them with fire.
They can't cross the water, the sun feels much hotter and if they step in it they burn,
So stay in the light and sleep lightly at night and other such things you must learn!
If you bind her with silver she knows you will kill her, vamponies are weak in that way,
A stake in the heart or a long wooden dart will that awful vampony slay!
Vamponies are sly and they have yellow eyes, and they can see well in the dark,
So when the sky's blank you better watch your flank if you wander alone in the park.
Vamponies are strange, and they are quite deranged, but they always show off lots of class, (Like a sir!)
So you best watch your back for a sudden attack or they might take a bite off your....

"PINKIE!”

The pink pony turned around to see a very surprised (and more than mildly annoyed) Twilight Sparkle.

“What are you doing?" she demanded.

Pinkie lost none of her previous energy or excitement. "Oh, hey, Twilight! I'm explaining about vamponies to Fluttershy!"

Twilight scanned the room. Pinkie Pie was garbed in the most ridiculous outfit she had ever seen--why was she wearing a clock as a necklace? Vinyl Scratch stood by her turntable, looking slightly sheepish (though that might have been the large plate of cupcakes sitting next to her, many of which had bites taken out of them); Fluttershy cowered under a display table in the middle, looking about as white as the bag of flour that had exploded in the kitchen; it was, to put it nicely, a bit of a mess.

Twilight took a calming breath. "Pinkie, do you believe in vamponies?"

Pinkie smiled. "Nope!"

"Oh....” Twilight tried to hide her relief, and failed miserably. “That's good."

"If I did, I would have to throw blood parties for them! Where would I find that much blood? I mean, you can't just go up to ponies and ask them for their blood, that doesn't make any sense. Plus, how would you get it out? And what if nonvamponies came too? THEY can't drink blood, that would be gross! I would need two batches of everything, and it would all have to be labeled, and what if as a prank somepony swapped some of the cupcakes? That would be terrible!" She slowly sank to the ground, bewildered by her own logic. "Wow, this is a lot more complicated than I thought."

Twilight blinked at this in confusion, blinked again in surprise as her internal logic circuits found no inconsistency in Pinkie's train of thought (a most unusual occurrence), and then quickly took advantage of this lapse in Pinkie's talking. "Ok-sounds-great-we-gotta-go Come-on-Fluttershy Bye-Pinkie!" and she turned to head out the door.

"Wait! Don't you want to try my new 'Better than Books' chocolate cake?"

Twilight froze, one hoof off the ground, her internal logic circuits squealing in protest as they tried—and failed—to process this information. Better than books? Impossible. She didn't move, but her ears pricked up, swiveling back towards Pinkie Pie.

"It isn't always called 'Better than Books' chocolate cake, but 'Better than the most favorite-est thing of the pony that eats it' was just too long and didn't fit on the name placard."

Normally, Twilight would have been surprised at Pinkie's choice of words. Now, however, she was intrigued.... and the research possibilities....

And there was nothing Twilight wanted like a nice experiment to keep her mind off her vampony-free day that had somehow gone south.

* * *

After separating for supplies, the three fillies met in their clubhouse again. Apple Bloom had brought the book from the library, and the three were studying it intently. Sweetie Belle had also brought one of Rarity's novels. Scootaloo avoided that book as if it would burn her. Which, in all honesty, it probably would.

Out of the blue, Apple Bloom asked, “Do y'think Twilight would banish anypony t' the moon?”

“I dunno. She is Princess Celestia's private student. She might know how, but that'd be really strong magic,” Sweetie Belle mused. “Why do you ask?”

Apple Bloom thought back to when she had gone to check out the vampony book from the library.

“I don't know why you want this,” Twilight said, eyes twitching and mouth open in a too-wide smile. Apple Bloom could see the hairs in her mane start to fray and separate. Memories of a certain doll and a want-it-need-it spell rose unbidden to Apple Bloom's mind, and she took an involuntary step back. “There are no such things as vamponies. No such thing. No such thing,” she started to repeat the last line in a sing-song voice. “No, no such thing at all! And if anypony tries to tell you differently, don't believe them! Don't believe them, Apple Bloom! Don't believe them!”

“Eh, no reason,” Apple Bloom said. “So, what do we have so far?”

Sweetie Belle had just skimmed most of the book, but attempted to make herself sound smart. “Vamponies like being alone and don't go out much, and they don't like being in the sun so they often have long hair. They can usually talk to animals, and they are really strong when they want to be, even if they pretend otherwise.”

“That sounds like somepony I know!” Scootaloo said.

“Rainbow Dash?” Apple Bloom said flatly.

“No! Fluttershy!”

Her two friends paused as they considered this. “Actually, Scoots has a point,” Apple Bloom said.

“I know. Surprised me too,” Sweetie agreed.

“Hey, I'm sitting right here, you know,” Scootaloo protested.

“She has a long mane, she talks to animals, she stays quiet, but she's really strong. Remember what she did to that one bear?”

“Or how the cockatrice didn't affect her? She's got to be our vampony!”

“She's never just sitting in the sun.”

“She never wears jewelry.”

“...What does that have to do with anything?”

Sweetie Belle slid the book over and pointed at a photograph. “They don't like silver or most metals, apparently. So I know Rarity can't be one.”

Scootaloo looked up excitedly. “Girls? We have us a vampony.”

* * *

Fluttershy knocked gently on the library door. She half expected Twilight to be angry with her after Pinkie's crazy song, and so was even more hesitant than usual. She was unsurprised to see Spike open the door. She was surprised to see that he looked like he had participated in the Running of the Leaves, but as a leaf instead of a pony.

"Spike! What happened?"

"Experimentation," Spike spat the word like it was a curse (a really long, really awkward curse). "Twilight decided to try eating the 'better than books' chocolate cake while reading two books at once in a book fort."

"Oh dear! What happened?"

Twilight walked in. Rather, she stumbled in, a goofy grin on her face. She might have been blushing slightly, but Fluttershy couldn't tell. "Sensory overload. Translation: Best. Experiment. Ever."

“She lost control of her magic,” Spike whispered.

Fluttershy nodded, then turned back to Twilight. “I came to ask you about...”

“Please don't say vamponies,” Twilight said, her voice still high-pitched and euphoric, but a hint of insanity coursed through her words.

“Oh, no... I was looking for a map of the forests. Angel Bunny has a family reunion tomorrow, and he leaves tonight, and I don't want him getting lost.”

Twilight was immensely relieved. “Right here!” she chirped, floating over a book. “Topography and maps of the general area, minus some deep areas of the Everfree Forest.”

“Oh, that makes sense. There are some places even I wouldn't go in there.”

Twilight thought about commenting on the irony of the shy pegasus being the one to explore the dangerous Everfree, but decided against it. Her head was a bit too floaty for good, witty remarks anyway.

* * *

That afternoon, one worried pegasus and one exasperated bunny sat in Fluttershy's cottage.

“And did you pack enough carrots for the trip?”

Angel gave an exaggerated sigh and nodded yes.

“And did you....” Fluttershy was interrupted by a quick spray of water to her face. Angel stood there, with a now empty cup in his paw. “I'm sorry, Angel, I just want to make sure you'll have a good time at your reunion.”

Though he couldn't communicate it, Angel Bunny was already dreading Great Aunt Hortense's usual greeting. The food wasn't bad, though. Fluttershy made her food with love, but at a rabbit reunion, you can eat... well.... like a rabbit. And with other rabbits. And girl rabbits. But that was beside the point.

He stroked her mane comfortingly (but just once—he is, after all, still Angel Bunny), then hopped out the door.

Fluttershy thought, I wonder if anything will happen tonight, the one night he's gone.... Oh, I'm sure I'm just overreacting.

Neither bunny nor pegasus noticed the strange, dim light from inside the chicken coop.

* * *

Sweetie Belle hung up her lantern and began to speak. “First order of business—are our flanks covered? Rarity thinks I'm at the clubhouse.”

“Told Applejack I was goin' to a sleepover.” Apple Bloom shrugged. “It's still basically the truth. We just ain't sleepin'.”

“I'm covered,” Scootaloo said, glaring at a chicken that had decided to make her back her perch. She shook her back, and the chicken flapped back to the ground, protesting noisily and scattering feathers everywhere. “Can you use chicken feathers for anything? They're everywhere!”

She hadn't really expected an answer, but Sweetie Belle provided anyway. “Chicken feathers, no. They don't even make good pillow stuffing; but their blood is used in many dark magic rituals.”

Behind her, a chicken squawked, as if in protest.

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom blinked silently. The earth filly broke the awkward silence first. “I'm not gonna ask how you know that. First step: prepare ourselves. Do you have the garlic bread?”

Scootaloo reached into her pack and pulled the loaf out. “One loaf of the finest garlic bread... uh... maybe half a loaf of... day-old garlic bread? Hey, I'm on a budget here!”

Apple Bloom shrugged and took a bite. “Close enough,” she said, spewing crumbs as she spoke. “Step two: Arm ourselves. What do you have?”

“Besides really bad garlic breath?” Sweetie teased.

“I got hungry on the way over, all right?” Scootaloo said defensively.

Sweetie Belle lifted a hoof in a nonthreatening gesture. “I was joking.” She turned back to her own bags. “I got a silver pin. It's just a little one, but it's the only one I knew Rarity wouldn't miss. And a couple earrings, 'cause they're cool.”

Sweetie Belle didn't see Scootaloo roll her eyes, but Apple Bloom did. Then again, she wouldn't have expected any less out of the pegasus. And, in all honesty, she was tempted to roll her eyes, too—Sweetie Belle was the only one of the three who had pierced ears. “All right. Scoots?”

“I heard that vamponies don't like right angles, so I strapped two small pieces of wood together.”

Apple Bloom mentally translated this to, 'I kindof forgot so this is what I had on me and I'm making this up as I go', and merely shrugged. (9) “Well, I brought a few branches that I cut into stakes. Hope apple tree wood works just as good as that white ash wood the book said to use.” She looked down at the checklist. “Next...” She smiled as she read the next line. “We get ourselves a vampony.” (10)

* * *

Fluttershy lay on the couch and hummed softly to herself as she sipped her drink. Casting an eye at the clock, she realized that it was time for her pre-bed-post-drink check-up of her closer animal friends.

She did a lot of checkups.

Shifting herself off the couch, she folded her blanket neatly and headed out the door to make her rounds.

The first thing she noticed was a small light from inside the henhouse. Instantly assuming the worst (a fire was burning her chickens!) she ran up and poked her head inside.

Her chickens were sitting peacefully, only making the occasional rustling or soft clucking. The light came from a lantern hanging from the rafters, keeping them awake. Fluttershy stepped inside and floated up to look at it. “I would have remembered this,” she muttered, and then realized that it wasn't her lantern. She was mildly confused at this (who hides lanterns in chicken coops?), but took the offending light source down and turned it off. “There. Now it's nice and dark for you,” she said comfortingly. A chicken clucked gratefully.

Still slightly blinded from the sudden transition of light to no light, Fluttershy walked out of the henhouse, and didn't notice three shadows watching her.

She did notice, however, when they jumped her.

Three shadowy monsters with sharp, pointy fangs, long claws, and shiny eyes—one had two sets! One on their face and their ears!—leapt out of the darkness. And as if their appearance wasn't terrifying enough, they spoke a strange demonic language!

“Ha! Gaka, ramhony!” one shadow squealed.

Fluttershy squeaked and fainted.

The three crusaders stood silently around Fluttershy. A slight breeze ruffled their black cloaks. Apple Bloom looked over at Sweetie, and noticed with some amusement that her earrings reflected the light, looking just like a second set of eyes. Scootaloo spat out the stake she held in her mouth. An elongated silence followed.

Scootaloo broke it first. “Well.... that was easy,” she remarked.

The three quickly checked their flanks. Still blank.

“Aww....” Apple Bloom sighed.

Sweetie Belle thought back to the books. “Maybe we're supposed to fall in love with the vampony?” she suggested.

Scootaloo retched violently and fought hard to keep her lunch. She made it. Barely.

“Ah am NOT kissin' Fluttershy,” Apple Bloom maintained.

“Seconded,” Scootaloo gasped, licking her lips shakily.

“So, now what?”

“Maybe we should go check that book again,” Apple Bloom suggested.

This yielded inconclusive results.

“So apparently we're supposed to kill the vampony,” Sweetie Belle read.

Scootaloo smiled and picked up a stake again. “Shouns goo' ka me,” she said.

Apple Bloom thought for a second. “But what if Fluttershy i'n't really a vampony?” she asked.

All three turned to look at the still-unconscious pegasus.

“I kug gus kes ih,” Scootaloo said.

Sweetie Belle didn't understand what her friend had just said, but Apple Bloom had been through enough family reunions with enough varied accents that she could understand just about anything. “Yeah, 'Ah was just testin' is gonna go over REAL well if she ain't a vampony and they arrest ya for murderin' Fluttershy.”

Scootaloo spat out the stake again. “Cutie Mark Crusaders Murderers just doesn't have a good ring to it,” she agreed. “So now what?”

Sweetie Belle scanned for an answer. “Vamponies can't survive in the sun, because it hurts their skin. So we just keep her underbelly exposed to the sun. If she's a vampony, she gets burned. If not, she's fine.” She smiled. “Looks like cutie mark crusaders vampony exposers are go.”

Twilight watched from the loft as Fluttershy entered the library.
“Good morning, Fluttershy,” she greeted her friend.
“Hello,” Fluttershy whispered in return.
“Come for the next test?”
“Yes.... if that's ok,” Fluttershy answered. “We're really close, I can feel it.”
“Closer than you think, Fluttershy.”
Fluttershy looked confused.
“Oh, Fluttershy....” Twilight teleported herself directly in front of the yellow pegasus. “I'm so surprised. I thought somepony like you who knew about different animals would have figured it out by now.”
“Know? Know what?”
Twilight leaned in. “Silly filly,” she breathed, dragging her tongue up Fluttershy's neck. “It was me all along.” She dove in for the kill, teeth piercing Fluttershy's jugular, blood spurting everywhere. Fluttershy screamed but at the same time was shouting her name oh wait that wasn't Fluttershy screaming my name oh wait that's me screaming but who's screaming my name wait what?

“Twilight!”

Twilight Sparkle, very much alive and not a vampony, sat straight up in her bed. Her body shook, covered in cold sweat; and she couldn't help but feel her teeth with her tongue to make sure she didn't feel fangs. Spike stood at the foot of her bed, a worried look in his eyes.

“Nightmare?” he asked.

Twilight groaned loudly, nodded, then collapsed back onto her pillow. This had gone on long enough. She had to end this vampony obsession. Before even the break of dawn, she dragged herself out of bed and headed out to Fluttershy's cottage.

Where, once again, she met a very strange sight.

Fluttershy lay on her back, against the fence surrounding the chicken compound. Her hooves and wings were splayed out, and ropes tied her four hooves to parts of the fence. Most disturbingly, she was surrounded by three fillies wearing black cloaks and smiling broadly.

“Hey Twilight!” they cheered.

“Oh, hi, Twilight,” Fluttershy said.

You know that little red flag that goes up in your mind when you know you're about to ask a question you don't really want the answer to? Twilight saw that flag, and another twelve just like it, but she decided to ask anyway. “What's going on, and why is Fluttershy tied up?”

Fluttershy's, “Oh, it's ok. I don't mind too much,” was cut off by a much louder and much more energetic Apple Bloom. “We're catching vamponies! Right now we're just waiting for the sun so...” Her speech was cut off by the sound of something grinding together. Instinctively, the three took another step closer together.

Twilight looked back at Fluttershy. Misinterpreting the reason for her angry expression and grinding teeth, Fluttershy leapt to the girls' defense. “It's no trouble, really. See? I can get myself out if I wanted to.” She easily pulled one hoof free and smiled nervously.

Twilight turned to the three now very frightened fillies. What little shame Scootaloo felt that her knot had not held was quickly replaced by fear. Their eyes widened as they watched Twilight's mane begin to fray, and her eyes begin to twitch.

“There. Are. No. Such. Things. As. VAMPONIES!” she shrieked. And with a flash of light, all three disappeared. (11)

* * *

Apple Bloom was the first to recover... and the first to freak out.

“She banished us to the moon!” she wailed.

Sweetie Belle, ever the ignored voice of reason, tried to calm her friends down. “Girls? We're in the clubhouse.”

“That's worse!” Apple Bloom howled. “We've been banished to the clubhouse an' now we'll never get out! We c'n see out but we can't ever leave! A thousan' years! A thousan' years!” She started sobbing uncontrollably.

Scootaloo tried to calm her friend too, but when you're as hysterical, it's kindof hard. “Don't worry,” she said, almost hyperventilating, “It's not too bad here. It's nice at night, and the wind doesn't get in and it's not too bad...”

Both were interrupted by an apple hitting Scootaloo on the head. (12) They looked out the window to see Sweetie Belle, outside the clubhouse, sitting on the grass, eating a second apple, and smiling broadly.

Without a word, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo looked at each other, looked back outside, and silently walked outside to join their friend.

The three defeated fillies headed back into town for another one of Pinkie Pie's 'free-cupcake-after-another-failure-to-obtain-cutie-mark' mini-parties. Scootaloo felt these were slightly demeaning, but nopony ever turns down a free cupcake from Pinkie Pie. Besides, Pinkie Pie was the only pony in her right mind in the whole town that would give a filly a cupcake for breakfast.

“Well,” Sweetie Belle spewed out some colorful sprinkles as she commented with a mouth full of chocolate icing, “At least it wasn't as bad as that one night where we played truth-or-dare” (13)

Scootaloo growled and grit her teeth. “I thought we swore to never mention that again,” she hissed, teeth clenched tightly.

Apple Bloom managed to suppress her laughter; Sweetie Belle, not so much.

“I hate you both.”

* * *

Post cupcake (and a little clean-up), they returned to Fluttershy's house to offer an apology, which Fluttershy quickly and graciously accepted. Angel Bunny stood there too, arms folded, his eyes an unreadable mask. He hopped inside to return with three envelopes, and gestured towards the fillies.

“Oh, did you bring them back a souvenir? That's so kind of you,” Fluttershy said happily as she headed back inside.

Angel tossed the envelopes at the feet of the fillies. Apple Bloom picked hers up and opened it with her teeth.

Inside, she found a lock of familiar-looking red hair; in fact, it looked suspiciously like hers.... She read the accompanying note. It was in harsh writing, as if the writer hadn't had much practice with a pen, but the words were plenty clear.

“tUcH Her aGain and i welL wilL eNd yoU.”

Apple Bloom turned to her fellow crusaders and noted that they too had similar letters, complete with clippings of their own manes. She looked back at Angel, who made the “I'm watching you” gesture, then turned and hopped away. (14)

“Cutie Mark Crusaders Hiders in the Clubhouse until he calms down?” Sweetie Belle suggested.

“Seconded,” Scootaloo quickly raised a hoof.

And with that, the Cutie Mark Crusaders Vampony Hunters turned in their hunting licenses for good.

Comments

[bahatumay]

1) Obligatory flightless-bird pun for Scootaloo. Glad that's out of the way....
2) We all love you, Scootaloo... but I couldn't resist writing this scene, even if I did decide to cut it for being overkill:
Sweetie Belle added, “Though apparently, they are great in bed, whatever that's supposed to mean.” Scootaloo, who did know what that meant, found her mental control capabilities overwhelmed, and proceeded to sprint to the window and expel the contents of her little stomach violently. Sweetie Belle stopped and looked at Apple Bloom in confusion. “Was it something I said? I didn't think it was THAT bad of an idea...”
3) That is a lot of commas. Re-wording suggestions would be appreciated.
4) 'drink arsenic and study effects' and 'lick Celestia's cutie mark' were also on that list.
5) “Huzzah! The Royal Canterlot Voice has been doubled!”
6) Pulling a paper out from behind your back is actually canon.
7) For some reason, up until revision 3, it was Bon Bon counting muffins. I have no idea how I didn't catch this earlier.
8) Due to a previous comment, I thought it would be funny if all the possible vamponies she saw were unicorns. However, I scrapped that idea when the only background unicorn I could think of was Pokey Pierce. I then felt like a failure of a fan because I could only think of one.
9) If you haven't heard Brian Regan's Cup of Dirt section from his Stupid in School skit, it inspired this line and I highly recommend it.
10) I wanted to have Apple Bloom crack her knuckles here, but ponies don't have crackable knuckles. Does anyone know the pony equivalent?
11) Tired Me wanted to add this scene:
“All right... let's get you out of there.”
“Oh, thank you, Twilight. But like I said, I really don't mind.”
Twilight blinked.
“What I mean to say is, I really, really don't mind.”
Twilight digested this comment, then made a decision. “I'm going back to bed.” And she turned back towards home, her horn glowing.
“Oh, before you... go...” But Twilight had already gone. Fluttershy finished anyway. “It's... time for me to feed the chickens and if you wouldn't mind staying... Never mind.”
(And that's why I don't let that idiot near a computer.)
12) Aaand there's the obligatory Scootabuse. I think I've covered all my bases this round.
13) Much like the 'noodle incident' of Calvin and Hobbes infamy, I think some events are funnier if left undefined, because your imagination goes crazy. Or, as another cartoonist said, leaving it undefined is 'pushing the PG rating in your mind'. Personally, I think it involves Scootaloo in a frilly dress, or something similar.
14) Deep down inside, jerk though he be, I think Angel Bunny would really do such a thing to anypony who tried to harm Fluttershy. But that raises the question: what motivation lies deeper than that? Is it because he loves Fluttershy, or because she provides food and shelter and he's really just using her? The world may never know.... Actually, you can.

[InkFathom]

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(3) Some of the commas are unnecessary.
"The poison lemongrass had worn off, and Fluttershy had said that(need a comma here) after last night, she wanted to take a short break from vampony hunting,(possible start a new sentence here) so Twilight was, without a doubt, in a very happy mood, and she was very determined to make the most of this vampony-free day."
(8) Look up background characters on the My Little Pony Wiki. That's how I do mine.
(13) Scootaloo in a frilly dress... Hmm, reminds me of something...
Have a flutteryay.