zomg vamponies, or, Fluttershy the Hunter

by bahatumay

Test one and a half: White River Hemlick

Author's note:
Today I learned the difference between coding languages HTML and BBC.
tl:dr no more span text notes.

When Fluttershy walked in the next morning at around 7:30, the checklist posted on the wall had the top item proudly crossed off, and with a flourish for good measure.

It was mocking her, Fluttershy decided. She felt a tiny flare of assertiveness.

“Twilight!” she.... called?, with much more bravado than she actually felt, “I am ready for test number two!”

Said bravado quickly evaporated when she heard a noise behind her. With an “eep!”, she jumped into the air and spun around to see Twilight, having just shut a book, looking at her strangely.

Fluttershy said nothing; she just floated there, hiding behind her mane, trying to prove to herself that she was strong enough—and failing miserably. Ooh, of all the times to have assertiveness problems... If she couldn't handle a book shutting, how could she handle a vampony? Vamponies actually had things to watch out for, like, oh, I don't know.... sharp, pointed teeth? She felt very helpless indeed.

Hearing Fluttershy's introduction and following squeak, Spike walked into the room for Vampony hunting day 2. Hey, it was this, or dust the stupid collection of “The Encyclopedia of Really Old, Really Famous Ponies that Nopony Has Ever Heard Of” again. As he walked in, the irony of this title hit him for the first time. A frown crossed his face. Who comes up with these titles, anyway? If they were smart enough to write a book, surely they were smart enough to come up with a better title than that.

Twilight paid no attention to either of these deep personal musings, but instead walked up to the hanging checklist and began with no introduction.

"Number one and a half. Vamponies have an aversion to certain herbs, specifically this... hemlick plant."

Fluttershy realized she was still hovering, and landed beside her friend. "It's more of a grass, actually. So how will we test that?"

Spike raised his claw. “Trick her into eating them?”

Twilight shook her head. “Too obvious and too suspicious. Besides, assuming she were a vampony, she would know she couldn't eat them and could claim allergies or something, like Tenderheart did.” Twilight thought about just how much energy she was expending on this project and resisted the urge to sigh impatiently.

"We can throw them at her and see if they burn her," Spike suggested.

Twilight let that image play through her head, just for amusement. She then reflected on how it would be a bad idea to start throwing things at somepony who worked in a place filled with sharp, pointy medical objects. "Your first idea was better," Twilight said.

“We could... have her drink them?” Fluttershy suggested.

Twilight looked at Fluttershy in confusion, but then it clicked.

"That's an idea.... We can make tea out of the leaves. It's a bit more natural and a bit more direct, and not suspicious in the slightest."

“And very refreshing,” Fluttershy added. “I've used this plant before.”

* * *

Fluttershy (with the help of her animal friends, of course) had gathered enough blades of the white hemlick to brew a nice, big batch of vampony-exposing tea. Fluttershy was happy that her friends were so willing to help (but, in all honesty, they were probably just relieved that she had given up on the garlic thing).

Twilight would have helped, but last time she had gone into the Everfree with Fluttershy, they had split up and Twilight had found an... overly friendly, shall we say?... swarm of bees, and so she decided to stay home and review heating spells. That had been an interesting day.... She had also learned that Fluttershy's Stare doesn't work well on swarms; but Twilight had appreciated that eight of the bees had ceased attacking her.

Eventually, Fluttershy returned to the library with the grasses. “Now I just have to wait a few days until they dry,” she said.

Twilight's eye twitched. Five minutes later, she was back with a dehydration spell.

With the blades now thoroughly dried, Fluttershy expertly crushed the newly-dried blades into tiny pieces, and mixed them with other leaves she had brought. “This should be a good blend,” she said, smelling deeply.

* * *

Together, they walked towards town. It had barely hit nine, so ponies were up, if a bit tiredly so.

All was going well, until Fluttershy found an injured squirrel on the path. Predictably, she wanted to drop everything and help him back.

So Twilight, to her great chagrin, found herself in the middle of town, setting up a vampony exposing booth all by herself.

"OK, not in the clinic itself this time, because that will be suspicious. I'm looking for somewhere close, but shaded." And with a couple quick (and probably unnecessary) calculations, she found the perfect spot and set up her little stand. With a quick glow of her horn, she started heating the water.

Her first visitor was, without a doubt, the most awake pony in all of Ponyville, if her bouncing were any indication.

"What's with the entrepreneur things going on, Twilight?" Pinkie giggled. "You're looking like a regular business pony!"

"Yes, well... I'm helping Fluttershy with a personal project. Her animals can't feed themselves, you know." Too late, it occurred to her that these were free samples, and she would make no bits off of them. Genius, Twilight....

Luckily, Pinkie Pie didn't pick up on her nervousness or her slip; or if she did, she ignored it. "Let me try." She took a drink, paused, and then her mane seemed to poof out even more. "That is amazing! It's tasty, sweet, and I can feel the energy flowing!" And she bounced off, even higher than before. Twilight hadn't thought that possible.

“Well hey, Twilight, what're y'doin'?”

“Hi, Applejack,” Twilight greeted her friend. “Just helping Fluttershy with a personal project. Want to try some tea? It's a small test to see how well it would sell.”

“Anythin' for a friend.” Applejack picked up a cup and sipped thoughtfully. “Well, it ain't as sweet as cider, but it ain't half bad,” she conceded. “See ya 'round, Twi,” and with that, she trotted off.

Twilight made a note. Two yeses, zero nos. Curiosity got the better of her, and she poured herself a cup. She swallowed gingerly. Not bad... until the aftertaste kicked in. She spat out what had been left in her mouth and quickly changed that tally to two yeses, one no. She found it bitingly bitter. But the other two had pronounced it sweet...

While she was pondering that particular difference in results, Fluttershy returned. “Want to trade places?” she asked quietly.

Twilight tried not to show her relief. “So far, so good,” she said. “No suspicion and one hundred percent of ponies surveyed enjoyed it.” She dropped herself from that equation. It's bad manners scientifically, you see, to put yourself in the sample size, because then the results are skewed. At least, that's what Twilight told herself. She continued, “Even Pinkie liked it and you know how she enjoys the tastier things in life.”

Fluttershy's ears went back. “P- Pinkie Pie?” she asked.

“She drank it, so she's not a vampony,” Twilight deadpanned.

Fluttershy shook her head. “No, it's not that.... Um... remember how I said it was refreshing?”

Twilight nodded, already sure that she wouldn't like where this was going.

Fluttershy continued, not making eye contact with Twilight. “Maybe a better word would have been 'energizing'....” she said softly.

Twilight processed this information. Her eyes widened. “Oh, no. We gotta stop her.” She glanced at Fluttershy, who seemed to shrink visibly. She looked back up and her ears drooped. “I gotta stop her.”

“Good luck?” Fluttershy squeaked.

“Thanks.” And with that, Twilight steeled herself, and turned towards Sugarcube Corner.

* * *

Twilight had been gone for about an hour. All in all, Fluttershy was pretty pleased with herself. She had managed to look a few of the ponies in the eye! And it seemed that the tea was pretty well received. That was an added bonus.

But still no sign of Redheart.

“'Sup, yella?”

Fluttershy looked up to see Berry Punch again. “Oh, hi, Berry.”

“Whatcha got there?”

"Fresh tea samples, I'm thinking of marketing this blend."

Berry Punch looked at Fluttershy.... both Fluttershys. What is the plural of 'Fluttershy', anyway? Fluttershies? Fluttershen? Fluttershii? Berry blinked and shook her head to clear it. She picked up a cup and examined it closely. "But you're already at the market,” she protested.

Fluttershy opened her mouth... and found that she had no adequate response for that.

Berry Punch sniffed the cup suspiciously. “Does it have alcohol in it?"

"Um.... no...."

Berry Punch sadly looked at her cup, then put it back down and shuffled off.

Poor Berry....

A few minutes later, Twilight walked up, mane bedraggled and eyes half-lidded. “I am NEVER working damage control for Pinkie Pie again....” she moaned. “She threw three parties at once; one for Pound, one for Pumpkin, and one for Gummy. And she attended each one. At the same time. Also, I'm pretty sure there was a fourth Pinkie in the kitchen doing all the baking... Luckily, whatever was in that drink wore off fast. I think she'll sleep for a couple hours at least. I know I feel like a nap.”

At that precise moment, Pinkie Pie bounced across their field of vision; eyes closed, smile wide, mane bouncy, and looking all-around pretty much normal (for Pinkie Pie, that is).

Twilight's internal logic circuits sparked in protest, and then fizzled. She shook her head and turned back to Fluttershy. "On this end, any luck?"

"Not really.... Berry Punch just turned me down."

"Did you write down her refusal? You have to document everything, you know. Names, cutie marks, everything. Makes it look more professional."

Fluttershy was perfectly content with her yes/no tally marks and had no intention of doing that, but she said, “I'll.... work on it.”

Suddenly, Applejack streaked across their view. It was probably Applejack. It was going really fast and it was about her shade of orange. And it had her voice.

“Soooo-wee! I ain't had this much energy since Ah ate an entire apple pie as a filly!”

“Um... refreshing?” Fluttershy said hesitantly.

Twilight facehoofed. What had she unleashed? Besides, controlling Pinkie Pie for an hour had more than exceeded her kindness quota for the day. “I'm going back to the library. Enjoy your day.”

* * *

Most towns slowed down around the noon hours, and Ponyville was no different. But this time, something was slightly different. Fluttershy noticed a general trend of foals walking. Foals on a lunch break wasn't uncommon, but it looked like nearly the entire school was on an unauthorized field trip.

She recognized one of them. “Snips?” she said softly.

Luckily, he heard her, though he did have to scan around before finding who had said his name.

“Heya, Fluttershy!” he said. “How are you today?”

“I'm fine. Where is everypony going? Do you know?” she asked.

“Do I? I certainly do.”

Fluttershy waited patiently for Snips to tell her.

“Aren't you gonna ask?”

Or that worked, too.

“Where is everypony going?” Fluttershy asked.

“Snails is about to perform the most awesomest trick ever!”

Scootaloo happened to be riding by on her scooter, following the crowd. Her buzzing wings slowed to a stop in front of the two. “Psh. I'll believe that when I see it,” she scoffed.

“Then you will!” Snips proclaimed.

Scootaloo waved a hoof derisively. “I've heard about this stunt. I go off ramps bigger than that just for fun. In my sleep, even.”

“Ramps?” Fluttershy already had a bad feeling about this. “Are you sure that's safe?”

Snips shrugged. “Probably not. But that's ok, because if he fails, we can go get some more of those delicious breadsticks.”

Fluttershy flushed ever so slightly. “Um... I don't have any today...”

Snips looked up in surprise. “What?” His face fell as recognition dawned in his eyes. “But that means.... SNAILS! DON'T DO IT!” and he took off as fast as his little legs could carry him.

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “I knew he wouldn't do it. He said he was jumping at 12:30, and it's...” She checked the clock in Town Square. “12:30...”

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Fluttershy said softly.

“Ah, it's not so bad,” Scootaloo said, tossing her mane lazily. “If you know what you're doing, anyway.”

At that precise moment, Snails came zooming down the street, wearing roller skates, and picking up much more speed than Fluttershy thought safe.

“Oh... I don't think he knows what he's doing... Is he screaming because he's happy, or because he's scared?” Fluttershy wondered aloud.

Scootaloo's eyes were wide open in surprise and her tiny wings buzzed in excitement. “I didn't think he'd actually do it. That's so cool!” she squealed.

A sickening crunch resonated through the street. Fluttershy gasped in horror and ran down to the point of impact, Scootaloo following closely behind on her scooter.

“I changed my mind,” Scootaloo said as she skidded to a stop in front of her injured classmate. “That is not cool.”

* * *

Some say that Fluttershy is weak. She isn't; she is just hesitant. But if she has some impetus driving her forward, there is nothing she can't do.

An injured colt is a very strong impetus. Cradling him in her forelegs, she flew to the clinic—and set a new landspeed record for Ponyville.

* * *

Redheart yawned broadly, but quickly stopped when Fluttershy burst through the doors. She was about to tell her to slow down when she saw the injured colt she was holding.

“What happened?”she demanded.

Fluttershy tried to catch her breath. “He was skating down a hill...”

Redheart moaned. “Why am I not surprised?” she muttered, taking Snails in her magic.

“Anything I can do to help?” Fluttershy offered.

Redheart thought for a second, and glanced down at Snails' unconscious body. “I gotta stop the bleeding before I can do anything else, if you want to help with that.”

* * *

“No! Tighter!”

Fluttershy made an “eep!” and pulled the wrappings tighter. This was the fourth time Redheart had snapped at her.

After a second, Redheart sighed. “I'm sorry, Fluttershy, I'm just really tired today. I got called in to a foaling last night and there were... complications. I got about three hours of sleep last night.”

Fluttershy winced. Then, she had a great idea. “I actually have this tea that is quite refreshing; if you wanted some, that is.”

But Redheart shot that down in a heartbeat. “I'm not much of a tea drinker, Fluttershy. I think I'm just going to go take a nap for my lunch break.”

“You haven't had lunch yet?” Fluttershy was surprised—it was nearly one.

“It's been a long day,” Redheart said shortly. “Pass me the thin gauze.”

* * *

Later that afternoon, Fluttershy knocked gently on the door of the library, and Spike let her in. As she entered, she saw Twilight on the floor, reading... or sleeping, Fluttershy couldn't tell.

“Maybe I'd better come back later,” she whispered.

Spike fixed that problem for her by cupping his claws around his mouth and shouting, “Twilight! Fluttershy's here!”

Twilight sat up with a start, her book sitting on her head like a little hat. She looked around, confused, until she pulled it off with a quick spark of her horn. “Fluttershy? How did it go?”

“Oh, good. Snails was ok, but he had a mild concussion. It's a long story," she said, answering Twilight's questioning look. "I stayed there until Redheart went on her lunch break.”

Twilight was surprised. “This late?”

Fluttershy nodded. “She had a lot going on. She was tired and she left, and she didn't drink any.” She shuffled her hooves. “I guess she doesn't like tea much. I was almost out, anyway. I have to make more.” She paused. “Tenderheart really liked it, though. She grabbed some before she left.”

Twilight nodded. “Sounds good to me. So.... can I help you with anything?”

“I wanted to ask.... I've been thinking....”

'Oh no....' Twilight thought.

“What if there's another vampony?”

“You mean, you don't think Redheart is a vampony anymore?” Twilight tried very hard to hide her relief. “I've been thinking that it doesn't make any sense that a pony that gets excited around blood try to hide in an area with injured, bleeding ponies.”

Spike had to put in his two cents here. “Unless maybe she's been a vampony for so long that she can control herself?”

Twilight wanted to say, 'That's ridiculous. Now you're just trying too hard,' but she stopped herself. Barely. (1)

Fluttershy waited, then continued, "Well... she came up, she said it was nasty and bitter.... Twilight, what if Vinyl Scratch is the vampony?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "She's not a vampony."

"She comes out at night!"

"She's a DJ. They work at night." And besides, you just saw her, Twilight silently added.

"She's white!"

"We've discussed that. It's her coat, not her skin."

"She wears sunglasses all the time because the sun is too bright!"

"It's a fashion statement.” Twilight suppressed a shudder. “Don't get Rarity started." She could already hear the white unicorn's complaints. “The purple is so... tacky!”

"She has red eyes!"

Twilight sighed. "She's an albino, Fluttershy, not a vampony."

Fluttershy had seen some of these rare white animals before, but hadn't made this connection. Spike, on the other claw, hadn't heard this word before. “What's an albino?” he asked.

A fourth voice answered. "It means I'm pure white. I have no color in my body. I have to dye my mane but since it's white anyways, I can do pretty much anything I want with it."

Fluttershy froze. She could not have moved less had she been turned to stone. "V- v- Vinyl?" she stammered.

"That's me!" The DJ trotted past the stunned Fluttershy and looked up at the bookshelves. "Hey Twilight, do you ever just organize and count all these just for fun? I do that with my records sometimes. It's just so... fun."

Fluttershy's eyes flew open wide. "Ar.... ar.... arith...." Fluttershy stammered... and then promptly fainted.

Vinyl lifted her glasses to look at Fluttershy's prone form. She blinked, confused. "Was it something I said?"

"No, she's fine. Spike, go get her some water or something.” As the baby dragon walked into the kitchen, Twilight sighed and it all came tumbling out. “It's just that she's been going on a vampony craze recently and she's just thinking that everypony here is one." Twilight blushed slightly—she hadn't meant to share that, but she had been frustrated.

This revelation didn't even phase Vinyl. She dropped her glasses back in place over her eyes and snorted slightly. "Oh. Yeah. Some ponies thought I was a vampony when I was young, cause of my white coat and red eyes. I finally took to wearing a thing of garlic around my neck. Ponies were all like, 'are you a vampony?' and I'd hit them with the garlic and said, 'could I wear this if I was?' and it was fun, cause sometimes it got in their eyes, and then they had red eyes too. Now I'm just sick of garlic, though. Brings back bad memories."

"Memories?"

Vinyl took off her glasses and leveled with Twilight. "Once, some other foals invited me over to a sleepover. Little filly Vinyl (2) hadn't ever gone to one before, so she happily went. Turns out they were all in it together to find out if I was a vampony and they held me down and doused me with cold water (3) and made me eat garlic and left me tied up in the sun, on my back, to see if I got a sunburn. Not the most pleasant of memories."

“Oh.... I'm sorry....”

“Eh, could have been worse,” Vinyl said, flipping her glasses back up in front of her eyes, her coolness having returned to maximum capacity. "Actually, I was here for a book on classical music. Lost a bet with Tavi, gotta stay for a full recital, and I want to know at least a little of what I'm getting myself in to." She tossed her head and muttered, “All four hours of it. In a chair. Not moving.” She paused and looked back up at Twilight. "So Fluttershy thought I was a vampony, eh?" Even behind her glasses, it was obvious that her eyes had widened with glee.

Twilight could read her like skywriting. "No."

"But..."

"No."

"But Twi..."

"No."

"Pwease?" Vinyl asked, taking off her glasses and making the saddest eyes she possibly could. Those red eyes could melt even a windigo's ice.

Unfortunately for Vinyl, Twilight was made of sterner stuff. "No."

Vinyl pouted and put back on her glasses. “You're no fun."

"She's my friend."

"We're all friends,” Vinyl protested. “It's funny."

"What's funny?" Spike walked back in with Fluttershy's water.

"Vinyl wants to scare Fluttershy by pretending to be a vampony," Twilight sighed.

"That would be hilarious!" Spike said.

"Two against one, majority rules!" Vinyl crowed.

Suddenly, both Vinyl and Spike found themselves outside the tree, having just been on the receiving end of a teleportation spell.

"House rules say I win!" came Twilight's rejoinder, a hint of madness entering her voice. “The house always wins! Always!”

Vinyl looked over at Spike. "Was it something I said?"

* * *

It was five o'clock, and Fluttershy knew that the clinic would be closing for the day. She sighed. Another day and still no proof. Shaking her head, she began to pack up her table. Suddenly, a flash of white caught her eye.

“Oh, hi, Redheart. You're looking much more awake, now.”

Redheart was certainly all smiles. She looked much more like her professional self, unlike the tired, snippy pony from this morning. "Actually, it was that tea you made earlier. Tenderheart gave me some when she got back from her lunch break. She said it was great. And it is! It's bitter, but it has kept me awake all afternoon! Thank you so much, Fluttershy!" And with that, Redheart bounced off. In a most professional manner, of course.

“Did... she just say she liked it?” asked a voice Fluttershy had been hoping to not hear.

Fluttershy kept her eyes down, avoiding the victorious smirk she knew Twilight was sporting. “Yes...” she said softly.

"Giant order in from Canterlot!"

Both ponies jumped at Rarity's voice. "I need MOAR," she declared, taking another cup and draining it daintily. "At this rate, I'll be up all night! But with this, this bitter but powerful miracle, I'll actually be able to do it! Thank you again, Fluttershy."

"Hmm," Twilight mused, watching the white unicorn bounce off back to her boutique. "So scratch another vampony test, but you may have stumbled on a good business venture. If Rarity likes this stuff better than her fancy leaves from that one place...."

"That's because my materials are all fresh." Fluttershy couldn't keep a hint of pride out of her quiet voice. "And I get all my animal friends to help me."

Twilight nudged her friend. "Keep that recipe. You might be using it later."

Fluttershy smiled at this tiny victory, but it faded when she realized that Redheart had escaped detection once again.

Twilight: 2; Fluttershy: 0

Comments

[bahatumay]

Author's notes:
I tried making a space between lines. Does this make it easier to read, or just make it stretch out too long?

1) Totally not poking fun at the Twilight “saga”. Nope. Not at all.
2) Little filly Vinyl is probably the cutest thing ever. Just sayin'.
3) It was originally going to be 'holy water', but then I remembered that that would make no sense in this world. Unless it's like Celestia's sweat or something. ….Ew.

[bahatumay]

789883
Argh, thought I had taken care of that already.... Fixed.

[paper bag wizard]

nurse redheart is not a unicorn she is an earth pony just to let you know good work all the same