"Whatcha doin'?"
Orchid Mantis opened one eye and looked at the pony addressing her. A young colt, five years old, blacked coated, white maned, and golden eyed, was staring at her intently. She supposed that it was understandable: the youngster had probably never seen a changeling meditating before.
Ah, not that she looked like a changeling right now, of course, because that would be foolish. However, given that the little crystal pony had probably never seen anypony meditate before, his curiosity was understandable. A pegasus with a white coat and a white and pink striped mane and tail sitting around with her eyes closed wasn't something the colt saw every day. Besides, meditation might not have even been invented before the Crystal Empire had vanished. She'd have to look into that later...
Clearing her throat, Orchid said, "I'm meditating."
"Oh," said the colt. After a moment, he asked, "What's meditating?"
Closing her eyes, Orchid sighed, then said, "Meditate: verb, to think deeply or focus one's mind for a period of time. Which means I'm trying to concentrate, if you don't mind."
"Oh," the colt said, "Okay. Um, what are you trying to concentrate on?"
What she wanted to say was 'Not swatting your flank for being a pest', but even a changeling would know that was a rude thing to say to a colt. Besides, in all honesty, Orchid had been yearning for some sort of a distraction: since she'd relocated to the Crystal Empire, she'd been... bored. Retirement was supposed to be slightly dull, but the last few weeks had been almost painfully so...
With a sigh, she said, "Right now? I'm trying to concentrate on enjoying the sunshine."
It was a warm sunny day. As she sat on a nice flat rock in the park, she had to admit, it was a pretty nice day, all things considered. There was a nice, soft breeze blowing, the birds were...
...Wait.
The birds were silent. In fact, there wasn't a single noise like that of an animal anywhere nearby. Every creature that should have been in the park, making a low level of background noise, was absent. Something was going on. Orchid closed her eyes, and focused.
Path Of The Tiger: Detect Motion...
...Below.
Throwing out a foreleg, Orchid grabbed the young colt, then swiftly leapt to the left... just in time to evade the grasping claws of the monster that erupted from the ground where they had both been sitting just moments before. Had the colt not distracted her from her meditation, then she, at least, and possibly both of them, would have been in the monster's grasp...
The... thing was five times the height of a big pony, and four times as broad. Walking on two stumpy legs, it seemed to be composed completely of black crystal. Four upper limbs that ended with sharp-clawed hands were connected to its torso. It had no head, but instead a face on its chest. Or, well, it had two glowing spots above an opening filled with jagged crystals: eyes and a mouth, if it was alive, and not simply some sort of a construct.
Setting the colt down, Orchid said, in a very calm, collected voice, "When I give the signal, you run and get the guards."
Looking up at her, the colt asked, "What about you?"
As they watched, the monster grew four sharp spikes of crystal out of the top of its torso. The creature grasped one of those crystals in each hand, then pulled them off, giving it a set of four crude, but extremely long and dangerous, swords. The creature arched its back, and let out a roar, flames billowing out of its mouth-like opening.
"I'll keep this thing distracted, so it won't chase after you. Just hurry: I can't guarantee how long I can draw its attention. Alright?"
The little colt, to his credit, nodded bravely, and said, "Alright."
"Good," Orchid said, then, her eyes not leaving the monster, said, "Go. Now." She didn't have to tell him twice: the colt was off like a shot. At the same time, Orchid shot forward, striking the creature in the knee with a fierce kick. While it didn't do any visible damage, it did seem to infuriate the creature. The beast promptly tried to strike at her with its swords. However, the creature seemed to be ill-coordinated, and Orchid had no difficulty evading the counter-attack. In fact, the creature accidentally struck one of its blades with one of the others, jarring both crystals from its grasp. While definitely large and tough, it didn't seem very smart, or very good at fighting. That gave Orchid an idea.
Path Of The Fox: Carrot Dangling From A Thread...
Keeping just within the creature's striking range, Orchid hovered, nimbly dodging attacks from the creature's two blades while slowly moving backwards. They were soon ascending a small hill, which the creature had difficulty climbing, due to its stumpy legs. The creature seemed to be motivated only by an urge to attack anything nearby, and as long as it was focused on Orchid, she could keep it from hurting anypony, at least until her stamina ran out. However, she planned on being done with this monster well before then...
When they finally reached the top, Orchid saw the feature that she had remembered spotting earlier: the hill had one side that was a sheer drop. Not a tall one, really, no taller than the young colt she was just speaking with moments ago. However, with this creature's stumpy limbs...
Path Of The Spider: Watch Out For That First Step...
Orchid dodged the creature's latest wild swing, then zipped through an opening, placing herself behind the creature. As the creature spun to try and keep up, it unbalanced itself. The changeling reached out one hoof, and pushed as hard as she could, burning love to bolster her strength.
The creature tottered, tried to swing a leg back to steady itself, only to have that leg go over the mini-cliff, causing the monster to lose its balance completely. It fell on its back, and began rolling down the hill. While not very steep, the hill was enough of a decline that, with the monster's mass and momentum, it resulted in a long tumble down. The monster ended up on its back, and, thrashing, struggled to stand... and could not. The creature was too ill-coordinated, and its body too poorly made, for it to be able to regain its feet.
The creature seemed to reach the same conclusion that Orchid did, and responded by doing something surprising: it sank into the ground, until it was out of her sight, then rose back up again, righted and ready to fight again. Great, so not only could it sprout swords, it could swim in the ground as if it was water. If the creature had not been so stupid, it would be a serious threat with powers like those...
The creature held up its four arms, and the hands at the end shifted, and vanished. The beast's upper limbs were now stumps, with an empty tube down the middle. Almost like some sort of cannon. Uh oh...
Path Of The Mountain: This Is Going To Hurt...
She shed her disguise in favor of an optical illusion on her carapace that bent light around her, rendering her nearly invisible. She folded her wings back behind her body, and lifted her forelegs up to cover her vulnerable eyes and closed her mouth, taking care to be certain that none of her leg holes were matched against one another. She got everything set just in time, as the salvo of energy beams struck her a split second afterwards. The force of the impacts stung, but her camouflaged carapace bent the majority of the light and heat away from her body, leaving what remained at a bearable level. Instead of being baked to a crisp, she was just toasted lightly.
Great, if it can do something like that, its a much more serious threat than before. She'd have to take it out, or somepony would certainly get hurt. She'd come to the Crystal Empire in the hopes of leaving this kind of life behind her...
She sighed, then steeled herself. The creature had not followed up its attack, and moving her limbs, she saw that it was standing there, the light in its eyes dimmed. Apparently it had to recharge briefly after an attack like that. If she wanted to take this creature down, there was no better time.
Orchid zipped forward, then perched on top of the creature's body. The beast was moving slowly now, but there was no telling how long this would last. She'd have to strike quickly, before it regained its previous speed and strength. She raised a single hoof...
Path Of The Dragon: Hametsu.
...Then brought the hoof down with a solid strike that left her hoofprint carved on the monster's body. The creature stopped moving instantly, as if a switch had been flipped. She lightly leapt down from the creature, then put a disguise on. Well, she tried to, anyways: the damage caused by the energy blasts seemed to have left her temporarily unable to disguise herself...
Uh oh.
And of course, at that moment, the guards arrived, along with the little colt, tagging along behind them. However, she was surprised to see they weren't interested in her right now. They were staring in surprise at the construct that she had just been fighting. With a rumble, the thing chose that moment to begin falling apart. In less than a minute afterwards, it was reduced to rubble.
"Wow," the little colt said. That sentiment was echoed by the assembled guards as well. True, it wasn't something you saw every day.
The little colt turned towards the changeling, and asked, "Are you the lady I was speaking with earlier?"
Orchid nodded, and said, "Yeah." It was kind of sweet for him to ask that: Orchid didn't get called a lady very often.
The colt abruptly hugged Orchid, and said, "I'm so glad you're alright. I was worried..."
Now that was really sweet of him to say...
"Ahem."
Orchid turned and came face to face with Sir Shining Armor. The knight was in full combat armor, which would have been bad enough, right now, but the fact that she was undisguised made matters worse. She really didn't want another fight on her hooves...
"Miss," the knight said, "I'm going to have to ask you to come with me. We need to talk." Strangely, the stallion didn't seem angry, or even upset about her presence here. In fact, he was smiling, which, in a way, was kind of unsettling: folks generally don't smile when they see an undisguised changeling. They usually grab the nearest thing that they can lift, and throw it. The terminology he used was also a little odd: he made it seem like she might have a choice.
Raising an eyebrow, she asked, "Am I under arrest?"
Shining Armor shook his head, and said, "Miss, as far as I know, it's not actually against the law to be a changeling. As long as you don't have somepony tied up in your basement, or anything like that, I don't have any reason to arrest you. You, ah, don't, do you?"
Orchid shook her head. She'd not needed to "feed" like that since she'd relocated here. Love was in the air, everywhere she looked around, and she could freely absorb all that she needed, whenever she needed. It was part of the reason she had chosen to finally retire here...
"Good," the knight said, then continued, "But we do need to discuss what you're doing here, and what that thing was. You're free to say no, but I, and Princess Cadance, would appreciate it if you came with us of your own free will. There's a lot going on right now that you need to be told if you plan on staying in the Crystal Empire."
After a moment, Orchid nodded, then said, "Lead the way."
-------------------------
King Sombra was, without a doubt, one of the most evil ponies who ever lived. He was also a meticulous planner. He'd had a plan in place for every possible outcome, up to and including his own defeat...
"So," Orchid said, her tone clearly showing her shock at hearing this, "Sombra put a spell on the city that would destroy it if he was ever defeated?" That was... well, that was honestly just being petty.
Orchid, Shining Armor, and the colt (he'd introduced himself as Lance) were now speaking in an interview room in the Royal Guard Headquarters building located near the Crystal Palace. Stark and empty save for a table and three chairs, it was the best place to talk without interruption or eavesdroppers.
Shining Armor nodded. "Yes. However, that spell was suppressed by the Crystal Heart when he was defeated. Had the princesses just destroyed the wizard out of hoof a thousand years ago, the city would have been destroyed then and there, and if the heart had not been returned at the time of his defeat, we'd be up to our necks in things like the construct you defeated earlier. However, suppressed is not the same as destroyed."
Right. It made sense, in a way: if the Crystal Heart instantly destroyed all dark magic in its vicinity at all times, then Sombra would never have been able to get close enough to steal it. Its power likely waxed and waned, and when it did wane...
"So, why hasn't somepony done something to destroy the spell?"
Both Orchid and Shining Armor looked over at Lance. It was a good question, and one Orchid would have asked herself. However, she had a sneaking suspicion as to why...
Shining Armor, smiling, said, "Well, it's not a single big spell, but instead dozens of them, seeded all across the city. They're bonded, as near as we can tell, to small crystals filled with dark magic, buried all across the city. We've had guards working around the clock, working discreetly to remove these 'seeds' and destroy them, but it's slow going: we have to work in secret, since, if word gets out about this..."
Orchid could see the general shape of it. "There would be a panic," she guessed, "And ponies would begin to despair. And if the the Crystal Ponies start to despair..."
The knight nodded, and finished, "The Crystal Heart would lose its strength, and all of those seeds would sprout at once. At current estimates, we've found more than half of them, and with any luck, we'll have them all cleared out before Winter Startup. As for the ones that have sprouted, that one you fought today was only the third that we know of."
The changeling cocked her head to one side, raised an eyebrow, and asked, "And you're wanting my help in taking out any more of these 'seeds' if they sprout?"
"Exactly," the knight said, nodding. "The first one was able to be destroyed almost instantly, but only because my wife was there, and struck it immediately with a spell: it collapsed without any problem, so we underestimated how serious a threat they could be. The second, however, sprouted while she was on the other side of the city, and by the time she arrived, a number of guards were injured trying to stop it. These... things, they are very resilient, and seem to only be harmed by the power of love."
Chuckling, Orchid Mantis said, "And as a love-eating bug monster, I suppose that I count?"
Chuckling a bit himself, Shining Armor nodded. "Precisely. I'm currently aware of only three other changelings in Equestria. One of them is a mute child with no magical power of her own. The second was a nursemaid for young hatchlings, and while she is, by all descriptions, a right terror if you're a bogeymane, she isn't a trained fighter. The third is here, in the hospital. He's in traction, unable to move more than one foreleg. He'll be like that for weeks yet, and afterwards will have weeks of physical therapy before he'd be anything approaching battle ready. While he's made it known to me that he'd certainly be willing to help, we're hoping to have this entire mess taken care of well before he makes a full recovery."
Orchid thought to herself for a moment. She had left the hive a year before the Canterlot incident, and had since moved from town to town, looking for a place to put down roots. However, when she'd finally found someplace to stay, where she could live in peace and quiet... she'd found it to be insanely boring. She was forty now, and she was starting to feel her age. However, she'd spent much of her life either fighting or training herself in the martial arts style that she had created, The Five Paths, so it turned out that, deep down, she just didn't feel right, sitting around gathering dust. She needed something to do with herself...
"So," Shining Armor said, "I'm asking if you'll help us in keeping the peace here in the Crystal Empire until the crisis is resolved."
"Wow..." said Lance, "You'll be like a superhero!"
Orchid laughed at that. Kids. What can you do?
Shining Armor laughed as well, and said, "That's not a bad way of putting it, really. We'll have to give you a secret identity, so that nopony will find your presence here suspicious or threatening. I think Lance might be able to help with that: since the city's return, we've been trying to find somepony to look after him, but there are only so many ponies out there looking to adopt at any given time, and just about everypony who could has already adopted a little colt of filly. A pegasus coming here to be his foster parent would make for a pretty good cover for you."
Orchid looked down at the colt, and asked, surprised, "You're an orphan?"
After a moment, Lance nodded, glumly, saying, "Yes. My mommy and daddy were part of the resistance against Sombra. When he caught them and the others, he decided the best way to be rid of them was to sell them to slavers, who took them across the sea." With a bit of a smile, he said, "He didn't count on my dad, Dashing Rogue, picking the lock on his chains, leading a mutiny, taking over the ship, and sailing back to Equestria. But, by the time dad got back..."
Whoa, wait... This kid's dad was Dashing Rogue, (GENTLECOLT ADVENTURER!)? THE Dashing Rogue? The stallion who had spent most of his lifetime plunging headlong into unexplored territory just because he thought there might be some adventure there? The stallion who had helped map out over a third of the known world in his lifetime? Orchid had spent her childhood reading about the daring pony and his borderline-insane adventures across the globe...
Lance sniffled, then continued, sadly, "...But by the time he got back, Sombra had already cast the Time Skip spell, sending the city, and everypony in it, forward a thousand years..." Lance looked about ready to cry.
Orchid sighed, then put a hoof on top of the colt's head, and said, "Alright, listen very carefully: Don't cry. I can't stand the sight of anyone crying, for any reason. I can't cry: my eyes aren't made for shedding tears, and believe me, I've had plenty of times when I wished that I could. I'll agree to this whole insane business, and I'll even agree to be your foster parent, but you have to promise me, you won't be sad anymore. Deal?" The changeling extended a hoof.
The colt wiped his eyes, then put on a grin. He took Orchid's hoof and shook it. "Deal."
The changeling turned back towards Shining Armor and said, "Well then, you've got yourself a 'superhero'. When can I start?"
Now some of you may be a little surprised by the change in the tone of this story from what you might have read in Tales Of The Cricket-Verse. There's a reason for that: this story, and the next story, will run concurrently, Lance and the next changeling will be the focus of the next story, while Mantis and her, ah, love interest, will be the focus of this story.
Thought I'd do something crazy for these last two stories. I hope it works
yay.
oh, quick question, when will we be seeing more crickitxfluttershy?
was mantis the one that trained cricket or was she part of his unit?
3919070
Couple chapters down the line on Cricket's story.
3919129
No. Mantis and Cricket are related in a, ah, different manner. Cricket's trainer was named Vespidae.
Hokuto Zankai Ken!
3919210 HIDEBU!!
I've been waiting for this.
Discrete: separate; apart.
Discreet: quiet; subtle.
It's: contraction of "it is."
Its: possessive form of "it;" "his, hers, its."
So, Mantis and Vespidae, huh?
Now THIS is a reboot. while the others had good starting points already given from previous stories, Mantis' first appearance from Tales just would not have fit well. This suits her much better.
Also is she going to meet up with Cricket soon? Because that would be great.
3918861 So what I'm taking away from this is that Fives is actually Elle...
I'll still be calling her Fives though.
3919642
Yeah, there was too much tell, not enough show in the previous setup. Glad I'm fixing it now
And yes, Elle is numero 5-o.
3919595
Corrected. And yes, Mantis is... related to Cricket, but never actually introduced. Vespidae is still the one who trained Cricket.
Kamen Rider anyone~?
3918861 Sounds intersting... I'm sure it will be a fun ride... Also I'm loving this story. And the prequil to this story was wonderful! I can't wait to see what else happens with some of the other storys that you are wrighting aswell...! Changlings are fun!
These are very well written and the characters are done well too. Loving these reboots!
3920461
Believe it or not, that was the original inspiration behind Mole Cricket, and inspired the whole "Good guy changelings" idea for me. An insect-themed character powered by love and can transform? In Japan, the male version would be a Henshin Hero, and the female version would be a Mahou Shoujo.
Great start!
Othar Tryggvassen, GENTLEMAN ADVENTURER!
I don't know wether to laugh, cry or hope Lance doesn't turn out like his father (whether that's a good thing or not I don't know).
Really that title alone made me spit-take and read that scene again.
That makes five, right? Any hints on how these 5 stories are going to updated? Because this one and the one with Ladybird are by far my favorites.
I kinda liked the original story versions better. You probably shoulda spun off with new characters-- or incorporated these stories into the old stuff.
I dunno. I'm left wondering what happened to the little changeling who became a crystal unicorn now...
You should have kept crecket's.story originally, and used these as 'they came after' stories, plus you could continue where you left off
3922155
Don't worry, you'll be seeing her again soon
*Frown*
Critique:
Almost immediately opening this story with a 'lucky escape'.
That is to say, if that colt didn't just HAPPEN to interrupt meditation at that exact moment...
Too late and they're snacks.
Too early and Orchid goes back to meditating too soon to notice the silence, and... snacks.
Get out your 1D20s and get ready for 'action'! The problem I have with such a plot contrivance is that it's exactly that. It's a plot contrivance. There are many types of contrivance that exist for the sake of moving a story along, but this is an annoyance I'm particularly wary of. Excessive use of 'luck' as a method to enhance danger or place the hero(ine) in an advantageous situation quickly causes suspension of disbelief to collapse like a house of cards. To give an example that shows the impact more clearly, imagine playing an RPG and the character keeps rolling natural 20s for random events. Pretty soon people are going to start questioning the dice.
This issue is then immediately exacerbated by a second contrivance being stacked on top of it. Said contrivance being that there, at that exact moment (beginning of the story or not), MONSTER ATTACK! It's like that episode of Powerpuff Girls where the narrator opens the episode with: "The City, of Townsville... IS UNDER ATTACK!!!!" Only without the moment being obvious humor. Immediately I'm asking: "Why here? Why now? Why them?"
You've got me, the reader, questioning the whole thing not even a page in. Even as you launch into what seems to be theme for you. The Informed Ability Expose. (Your habit of having a list of theme-named skills or abilities that you immediately tick off like it was Twilight performing a superpower Checkride. Yes, 'Checkride'. It's an aviation test.) This is not a good way to set the story up. I didn't even read past the monster bursting forth from the ground. I skimmed it because I knew what was coming from the appearance of the 'Checkride' list. Do you know what that means? It means you've made your writing predictable. I've barely read most of your work outside of skimming and I can call the shots already. And that's not good. I'm not thinking, I'm not having fun, I'm working. Reading this is a chore. If I wanted to do chores I'd go put the dishes away.
Anyway... [/harsh mode] I don't need to be overly supercritical.
Generally, I would suggest doing your best to avoid using chance encounters and luck to create/solve conflict. It comes across as lazy, but also gets old fast. Especially for an engineer like me, who sees right through that kind of thing. For us, if we designed and built something that relied that much on chance, it would have failed spectacularly a dozen times over. Thus, luck situations leave us mentally cringing every step of the way. It only hurts more if the luck situation is Story Critical. Obviously, they got lucky... because if they didn't, we wouldn't have a story. Never, EVER want a story to come down to: Flip a coin, GAME OVER.
I personally try to write stuff up in such a way that it avoids invoking luck. Yes, it's much more involved a process and requires significant mental mapping of events that could boil down to 'luck'. But the results are often far better than just going 'lucky miss'... and move on.
Anyway, enough out of my pie hole for one day. By now your feel-good is ruined by my criticism. I know how someone dissecting your narrative can hurt. Having ten plus years of experience in the matter gives you plenty of time to have people do that.
3923507
, your critique has been read, and, as I have said more than once, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But in one very important way, your critique is flawed: This was, in a way, the very first roll of the dice, and yes, she did, in fact, roll a twenty. But when someone rolls a twenty the first time they roll, it's beginner's luck. Yes, she got lucky in those first few seconds, but when a character gets ambushed, luck is often the only reason they escaped. She won't always get this lucky. In the first chapter, moreover, the main character's clever plan ends up being ineffective due to abilities the creature had that she was unaware of, and received damage. Not fatal or life-threatening, but significant, and could have easily been much worse. I'm trying to avoid Sue and/or Stu-ish characters these days. But, ah, how can I put this...
Let's use an example from the first episode of an action series (live action, cartoon, anime, take your pick): You have your main character show up, and on that first episode, some baddy or a monster shows up, and attacks... only to get defeated by the good guy. Yes, there might be a little dramatic tension, but given that it's the very first episode in the series, it's more or less a foregone conclusion that the hero will come out alive... this time. But the first bad guy is always the easiest one. They always get progressively tougher as the show goes on.
3923702
That may well be true, to an extent. But usually you have to consider that most stories that use this ploy are either working with established characters who are known to be able to handle it, or the 'lucky' character comes out of it nearly shellshocked.
You however, are trying to establish a retired badass nobody's ever heard of before the opening credits even roll. This is not an established character where we can expect something, or a newbie character where you can entertain the audience by having them running around desperately trying not to get eaten/fragged/captured/poisoned/drowned/unalived by Deadpool.
It's not an issue with mary sues, and I'm not accusing you of that. It's an issue with event sequence execution.
And the execution is sloppy, raises several flags, and quickly becomes a chore to read. Allow me to summarize:
We open with random disguised changeling, apparently retired.
Colt interrupts internal monologue/meditation.
Huh, something is strange in this completely random park for no reason. Maybe I should-
MONSTER ATTACK!
Run little colt!
Fighting Ensues.... etc.
Do you see it? Probably, but most people will defend their decision to the death when it comes to writing. But you've essentially rolled a random encounter AND the lucky spot check right on top of each other. For no reason. (Except to jump-start the action) All things considered, that colt rolled a natural 1 and was about to be a snack. Why? Out of the entire crystal empire, out of all the easy targets, why that attack, right then? Right there?
If it's part of some overplot about to go down, a random child makes no sense for a coordinated attacker. If it's a beast just out for a snack, why in the middle of a city when it probably can pick off targets that are alone much better? Why? Why? Why?
I could care less about the fight itself. It's more the reason for the fight itself. Luck on top of luck. Which is why I was making the commentary in the first place. You start using luck as an excuse, and it quickly becomes your catch all for all things you 'need to have happen to advance the plot'. The problem is that if you aren't AWARE that you are even doing this, then this random chance BECOMES the plot.
Next thing you know, this is your typical Stallone action movie. Where bad guys ten feet away with automatic weapons somehow manage to hit ladders, and pipes, and walls, but never the stationary target that isn't even aware of their presence yet. (I watched such a movie earlier. Some movie with Stallone and Shwartznegger on a supertanker turned into a private supermax prison. Guard missed three shots at a stationary Stallone at point blank range, WITH surprise on his side. Of course, had he connected those shots, the movie would be over. So obviously, he has to be utterly incompetent with a sub-machine gun when the target is practically a shooting gallery.)
If you want my solid opinion on a sequence that might work better WITHOUT changing the intent, this is the order of events I would use, with plenty of why I would do it in the details.
1: Establishing shot as in the original here. Meditating while a colt bothers the changeling.
2: Extend establishing scene and expand on character. Maybe a little backstory (But nothing infomercial level, just stuff that lends to establishing personality), add some slice of life if needed. Make us FEEL a little for the character. Just enough to go 'okay, I can relate'. Maybe more cute/funny with the colt. (You seem to have that down well enough from other stories.)
3: Monster attack occurs, but colt and changeling are not the target, as the attack is 'off screen' and only known because of...
4: The changeling is alerted to the presence of the monster by the guard reacting to screams, roars, sounds of property damage. And morbid curiosity to see what's going on kicks in.
5: This is where things REALLY get divergent. Instead of the random monster being random. Make it something the changeling has seen before. (As in: "An X?! Here? I retired here to get AWAY from those bucking things!") This establishes a lead in, a warning to the reader if you will, that the changeling may just know what they're doing. (Which is rather important early on. For a new character, the reader has to know its coming before you pull it, or it just comes across as an ass pull.)
6: NOW you start showcasing the characters skills, AND establishing that they are retired and skilled enough as a result of those years leading up to the retirement. By having the changeling take charge of the counter offensive against the critter when it seems the guard are struggling to handle it. Especially considering that the changeling has seen this thing before and you can now utilize the Authority through Expertise form of social power. (Which is also important. It gives a non-arbitrary reason to believe the changeling can just 'take charge' of the situation without it existing in a vacuum.)
7: At which point you can cascade it into your original scenario. The critter messes up changeling polymorphism, causing her disguise to fail. I'm sure the crystal guards won't be too hostile to changelings, especially ones that just helped them stop a rampaging critter.
8: But they'll still ask her to stick around because thanks are in order... At which point you can segue into...
9: Shining armor coming along and displaying surprise that a CHANGELING of all things helped his guard out. Which is 'interesting'.
10: And you can go from there. One of the many obvious questions being 'Why was an 'X' in the Crystal Empire? Those things aren't native to the Tundra." And that can pull the plot into gear.
Now, I understand that the random monster might actually be a plot component that we're not fully given details on, and reworking that would require some mental gymnastics, but honestly, you'd get more out of improving the opening of the story than you'd lose having to tweak the random encounter tables.
static3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20080225004331/girlgenius/images/2/22/Otharportrait.jpg
I can't be the only one thinking it. If that's his dad, this kid's going to be epic.
Is it just me, or do these reboots seem to drop marginally in quality the farther they get from the original premise?
I mean, it's still pretty okay, especially compared to a lot of things I've (tried to) read, but this story in particular feels rushed, forced, and just plain clunky compared to the original, and having everything take place so much earlier seems somehow wrong.
To be honest, I wouldn't mind having the stories take place at different times, or even waiting for you to publish them in the right order if that helps you keep things straight, but having everything happening at once is just asking for your story threads to get tangled (trust me, I've been there).
3924691
you're not.
3924301
A lot of your complaint still has to do with luck, and while I do understand a lot of it, I think the primary issue is that you feel that there are too many coincidences at the start. Well, more than a few stories begin because person A meets person B right at the beginning of a story, either right when they needed help the most, or just before something terrible happens. Yes, person A or person B just happens to have a set of skills that allows the two to escape the encounter unscathed, or at least just alive, but if neither of them did, then it would be a very short story with a bad ending. Life is, in many ways, comprised of random encounters. This story starts with one, yes, but I don't plan on overusing the "dumb luck" factor here.
As for why: sometimes something crazy happens at the beginning of a story that sets everything into motion, and we don't find out why those things happened until either later in the chapter, or maybe even several chapters later. The heroes don't always have the answers right at the start: part of the story is finding the answers.
As for rewriting the opening chapter, I'm not of a mind to do that, firstly because it's already out and has been read, and in spite of the criticisms you've placed, this story has substantially more positive than negative votes, so it's possible that the criticisms you have are ones based mostly on your own personal bias (I can understand that: there have been a few great movies, books, and shows that I couldn't get into simply because of complaints like the ones you have that others wouldn't even notice). Secondly, I've already got things planned for ongoing chapters that are, in many ways, based around everything that's already been established in this chapter. If I pull out one of the bricks here, I'll have to put the entire building back together from brick one. Besides, as posted below, this story is going to run concurrent to another story I'm about to post: I would basically have to replan TWO stories at that point.
Like I said: you own opinion > mine in your view, at least in your own eyes, so I'm not going to start an argument here. I accept that no matter what I do, not everyone will like it. I accept that. But I've learned enough to know that at least SOME of the people here will like it... and that's good enough for me.
3925132
That's up to you then. And I understand.
But I stand by my observations and opinion. If you want to question my Credentials in the matter before final dismissal, take a looksee at who I am and what I've written in my profile. I'm giving you my best 'professional advice' on the matter and I just want to inform you that I've been down this path a while and that I'm not simply talking out my plot. You say "It's good enough", I say "Could be More Awesome. " Make of my advice as you will.
But yeah. You're determined to hold your vision and I can't force that.
So let me part with a warning. Beware the slippery slope of forcing things to work 'For the Sake of the Plot'. If you aren't asking yourself 'how can I avoid this' at every impasse, you are doomed to fall right into the pattern. And the story will become more and more utterly unbelievable as these pile up. Watch out for this. Be aware of this. Because it is not a sudden thing. It is a gradual meltdown that you don't notice until you're ten chapters past the point of no return. Start watching NOW.
It will save you.
Good as always, my good friend. Keep up the good work!
Well, things went down rather quickly...
Is it common to offer adoption to a complete stranger? A changeling no less?
And Shinning Armor is aware of the 3 other changelings already? I understand for Ling, as she was picked up by the guards, but what about Cricket and Ladybird? How much time went by between each chapters? I though they would happen at the same time.
I'm confused.
3926677
Each of the stories has a different starting point. If you read carefully, you'll catch it. However, for the sake of the readers, I'll give you the info:
The Changeling Knight starts just a week after Canterlot. There will be a time skip later on, but that's where it starts.
The Monster Under The Bed starts four weeks after Canterlot.
Ling starts one week after Canterlot.
This story starts five weeks after Canterlot.
3925192
I appreciate the warnings and the advice. Really, I do.
The only thing I really disagree with is this: You say "Could Be More Awesome". I say "It's awesome enough for chapter one." If I blow all of my awesomeness on chapter one, then there won't be any left for the finale .
And I am watching. And I'm watching my watching. And I'm watching my watching of my watching. I take this very seriously.
3927230
Okay, thanks for the timeline!
I now realize that the hints were there, but I was expecting it to be simultaneous and disregarded them.
I still have some issues with this particular chapter, but it's a prologue, the real show comes now.
3927387
Exactly. Chapter one sets the scene. It's the stuff that follows that makes the story .
Ooooo, I love this refreshed take on Orchid, and as always it's nice to see a post-wedding Shining that doesn't have a crazy hate on for changelings.
Hmn, gentleman adventurer is a very familiar phrase. Girl Genius reference, or maybe Order of the Stick?
3927251 In spite of the positive comment I just left, you could do worse than take ATC's advice into consideration. Don't be so eagar to toss aside the suggestions of an experienced author like him.
3931848
Yes, that is, in fact, where a good portion of his inspiration came from. Equestria was a wild and crazy place a thousand years ago: they needed heroes like that back then
God you got so many good no scratch that great stories coming out every day that you might not have time to do them all!
The slaves on a boat across the sea breaking free from a nail...this is a reference to the Amistad, is it not?
oh, yeah, in "the king is dead, long live the emperor", the presence of corrupt crystal "nobles" made the heart wane enough for Sombra to take over...
That name is awsome