• Published 18th May 2014
  • 1,335 Views, 29 Comments

Apples, Tanks, N' Badflanks - ultra1437



Celestia and Luna go on an unexpected adventure after a drinking contest gone awry. Let’s follow them, and see what kind of trouble and adventure our drunken princesses can manage to find!

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Prologue - Zap Apple Jamboree

Discord was bored, wandering the halls about Canterlot Castle, wondering how he might spice up his morning and upcoming day. He paced the halls on auto-pilot, hoping his mind could come up with a solution. ‘Prank Blueblood? Nah. Visit Fluttershy? I'm gonna go with no.’ He perked up all of a sudden.

“Hey, you! Yes, you two! Over there, in the armor!” He walked over to the guards standing next to a doorway. “I’ve got quite the conundrum; I seem to be terribly bored and wish to remedy the situation.” Both guards shared a look of confusion and offered several ideas. ‘Walk through the garden? Nope. Get something to eat? If nothing else, I’ll ask someone in the kitchens.’ The guards gave him a few more possible ideas before a light bulb suddenly appeared over his head and turned on as he pulled on its cord. “Eureka!” Quickly, he sped off to the throne room, swimming the whole way.

“Hey, Boss? Should we report that? It sounds like nothing but trouble,” the younger guard on the right asked. He looked over, waiting for Boss’s response.

“If it was anypony except Discord, I would say yes. Because it is him, we don’t. If we reported every little weird thing he did, we’d need twice our current staff, just to account for him alone. We just report it if he actually does anything harmful,” Boss explained, before shrugging and looking back.

“I-I suppose that’s fair,” the rookie replied.

^<v>^<v>^<v>^

Applejack walked up to the throne, pulling a small cart with two cases. Stopping at the throne’s base, she opened a single case before addressing Princess Celestia.

Applejack bowed before speaking, “Heya, Princess. Ah’ve got somethin’ here you might like. It’s Sweet Apple Acres’ newest creation! Just gimme a sec’ here...” Applejack fumbled around with the case, trying to pull something out.

“Good morning, Applejack! It’s wonderful to see you.” Celestia beamed, her signature smile adorning her face. “I see you brought something with you, is it a surprise?”

“This right here, Princess, is mah newest creation, Zap Apple cider.” Applejack turned to Princess Celestia as she pulled a bottle out of one of the two crates she’d brought with her to the throne room. The bottle itself shone with a rainbow-gleam, proving that its namesake apples were part of its ingredients. “Ah just wanted you to have part of the first two batches. One's regular cider, th' other's hard. Ah've got more of each waiting with Big Mac outside. Ah'll warn you now, that hard cider's got some bite to it!”

Celestia's horn glowed as she took ahold of the bottle, bringing it up to her for inspection. “Thank you, Applejack. I’m sure I will thoroughly enjoy this gift.” She smiled serenely. “Take a pair of guards with you, and they'll help you store this wondrous cider in the castle's wine cellar,” Celestia said as she motioned to a pair of her unicorn guards. One picked up the two crates already present and marched off to the wine cellar. Applejack led the second out to where Big Mac was waiting.

Before another petitioner could make their way up to Celestia, Discord swam into the room. He was performing a beautiful rendition of the butterfly-stroke in midair, completely ignoring the closed doors. Immediately, the guards took an aggressive stance, not trusting Discord in the least. While Celestia didn't look pleased, she didn't immediately throw him out. “What do you want, Discord? Need refuge from another one of your pranks?”

Discord laughed. “No, nothing of the sort, Princess. I've merely come to challenge you…” As the words left his mouth, the room's tension became palpable. Celestia's guards prepared to intervene, with even a few stepping between the Draconequus and their princess. After a moment, he spoke up again, “To a drinking contest!” He waved one arm, suddenly holding a shot glass, and in the other held a vintage Applejack Daniels whiskey. He chortled again, breaking the room's tension.

Celestia sighed exasperatedly before speaking, “Discord... I don't pretend to know what goes on in that head of yours, but there better be a good explanation for this challenge.”

“Aww, Celestia, are you just afraid I'll drink you under the table, again?” he goaded her. Her face held its normal, maternal mask, but internally she bristled at the comment. After a few moments, the guards returned to their normal places.

Before she could answer, Applejack wandered back into the throne room to let Celestia know her cider was stored away. “Princess, Ah-” Just noticing Discord, she glimpsed the items he held. “Yer hittin' the sauce again this early in the day, Discord? Ah thought Flutters'd already said hittin' it that hard was bad fer ya.”

Discord turned to regard Applejack as he stowed the items back in his own personal hammerspace. “That was one time, Applejack. I swear, just one drink before noon and suddenly everypony's on my case…”

“So, you didn't just challenge me to a drinking contest, that could possibly be held before noon, then?” Celestia interjected, drawing both creatures' attention.

Applejack just chuckled good-naturedly before shooting him a knowing grin. “Ah think you might be startin' a bad habit there, Discord.”

“Oh, laugh it up you two…” Discord grumbled, crossing his arms petulantly.

Celestia hushed her chuckling and cleared her throat for attention. “I’m sorry Discord, but that was funny. Although I didn't exactly say ‘no’ to your proposal,” she added in her motherly tone, with a knowing smile on her face.

“Celestia, you really think you can out-drink me, even after my imprisonment?” Discord laughed condescendingly. He pointed to her and continued, “Even your sister out-drank you back then, and she was half your size!”

Ignoring the snipe at herself she shot back, “Since you offered, I certainly intend to try. When and where are we doing this?”

“Just after sundown. In the gardens, after you set the sun, and Luna raises the moon,” Discord stated, smirking as she looked worried.

“Very well. Since I was issued the challenge, the drink of choice is Applejack's new Hard Zap-Apple Cider,” Celestia replied. Applejack paled, hoping Discord would refuse and offer another drink instead.

“That's fair.” Discord turned to leave.

Celestia added nonchalantly, “Oh! Do try to get Luna to come. I welcome the chance to drink you both under the table, this time.” Discord’s head spun around, surprised at Celestia’s proposal. In his confusion he slipped on a loose bit of red carpet, causing him to fall over. His chaotic nature held true, causing the rug to slide forward instead of himself, spinning him like an overcharged ferris wheel with an embarrassed look on his face.

“I'll try.” He snapped himself out of the room to avoid further embarrassment.

“Now, Princess, why'd you go and rile him up like that?” Applejack chimed in, cocking her head like a confused puppy would.

“Oh, he's always easy to agitate. Even more so when he's bored.” She looked at Applejack knowingly and winked. “I don’t suppose you would like to referee this contest, would you? It is your drink, after all.”

“Ah’ll need ta check with Mac first, but Ah’d be honored, Princess.” Applejack replied.

“That works for me. I'll have a room set up for you, just in case.” Applejack nodded and she left the throne room, intent on finding her brother.

^<v>^<v>^<v>^

It had been a long night for Princess Luna, and she was looking forward to getting some rest. Most ponies had assumed Luna rose when she raised the moon, and went to bed when it set. They would be wrong, she generally rose in the afternoon and went to bed some time in the morning, hours after Celestia raised the sun. Celestia was much the same way; up an hour before dawn, and didn’t sleep until well after the sun had set.

Keeping an eye out for nightmares kept her from too much continuous boredom, usually. The odd bit of paperwork helped, too. She had washed up, brushed her teeth, and was just climbing into bed when a flash obscured her vision. In its place, she saw a figure. A familiar, nearly-hated figure.

“Lulu! How good to see you!” Discord drew her into a one-sided hug. Even with her strength, she was tired and couldn't manage to break out of his hug. She tried and failed to teleport out of his grasp, managing to take him with her wherever she went.

“D-Discord! Let go of me this instant!” she all but roared at him.

“Only if you promise to calm down. And agree to a drinking contest with Celly and I,” his reply was punctuated with an extra squeeze.

“Is it not a bit early in the day to be partaking in the consumption of alcohol?” Luna asked sincerely, not sure what Discord was planning.

Discord suddenly let Luna go before he wilted. “That’s the second time today I've been told that. I swear, I ask for a drink once before noon and everyone expects me to be an alcoholic. I just wanted to see if you two could drink me under the table or not.”

Luna looked at him confusedly before muttering, “I’m not even going to ask.”

Discord waved her off before returning to the topic. “Don't bother, it's not entertaining. Anyways, do you want in on this drinking contest or not?”

“Why should I join?” Luna shot back, sitting down on her bed.

“Because I'm bored. That, and the three of us haven't had any contests like this since I ruled Equestria.” Discord just sat back onto nothing.

“I ask again. Why should I join? I still see no reason to join your contest.” She looked around the room, gauging her chances of escaping him.

Discord was suddenly in her face, eyes watering with crocodile tears as he whined, “Please?”

“No,” Luna deadpanned, not falling for it.

“Pretty please?” His tone was that of a pleading child.

“Again. No. Increasing the appealing quality of the word ‘please’ will not make me change my decision.” Luna’s horn lit, deciding she’d rather sleep elsewhere.

“Pretty pretty please? Your sister told me to ask you.”

Luna sighed, ‘He managed to play the sister card…’ “Very well. If Celestia has agreed to it, then I shall join as well. When and where is it? And what are we drinking?” Luna looked at Discord, tilting her head very slightly.

Discord held up a claw to his chin. “To answer your last question, probably some of the new hard cider Applejack just brought in. I hear it has quite the kick, too!”

“Alright. So where and when will this happen?”

Discord pondered for a moment. “Sundown, moonrise, whatever you want to call it. It's going to be somewhere in the gardens, just after you raise the moon, and Sunbutt sets the sun,” Discord replied.

Luna immediately shot up. “Refrain from calling my sister 'Sunbutt,' Discord. I will not tolerate you slandering her in my presence.” Luna shot a venomous look at Discord.

"Fine. See you then. Moonbutt," Discord sniggered as he waltzed out the door.

“Discord! You–” Luna sent a quick jolt of magic after the mischievous draconequus, “–You artless, fool-born, foot-licker!” It flew out the door and was quickly followed by a pained yelp. Rage spent and smiling, Luna slowly calmed down, stretched out upon her bed, and fell asleep.

^<v>^<v>^<v>^

“Good evening, Luna. I trust your day was restful?” Celestia greeted as she walked up to her sister before wrapping her up in a hug. Luna eagerly returned the offered hug. The evening was beautiful as the sun patiently waited for Celestia to set it, as the moon’s topmost tip poked up in the east.

“Yes, Celestia. I rested well, after Discord left,” she replied, remembering her conversation with the Draconequus just before falling asleep. “Did he really challenge you to a drinking contest?”

“Yes he did. I accepted and asked him to get you to join us,” Celestia replied, drawing back and regarding her sister.

“I did, and hope we can drink him under the table,” Luna spat venomously. “Together,” Luna finished sweetly as she turned to the east at the coming rotation.

Even though her sister couldn’t see it, Celestia smiled sheepishly. “Ah. I might have made this a three-way drinking game, not us versus him,” Celestia explained, mirroring Luna's turn, only to the west and the setting sun. “If you want, I can see about making it the two of us against him.”

“While that would be desirable, he would get a say in some other handicap he would get. Keeping this contest on as even of terms as we can would benefit us both better than teaming up against him.” Luna nodded subconsciously, signaling the exchange to start.

Both sisters' horns lit up simultaneously, covering the surrounding castle garden in twin bursts of color. Luna's horn let off a beautiful baby-blue hue, while Celestia's shone a bright, regal gold. This went on for a minute before the moon poked up above the east horizon as the sun set in the west. After the waxing-crescent moon was completely in the sky, both ponies stopped their magic, and the color faded away from the garden, only soft moonlight bathing the area now.

Naturally, in this peace and quiet, Discord chose this precise moment to join them. “Hello Celestia! There you are, Lulu! How about we get started on that contest?” He snapped a claw and there were suddenly three tables, each with a pair of cases of Hard Zap-Apple Cider and half a dozen steins in front of them. Accompanied by what appeared to be a cheap folding chair at each table.

“In a few minutes, Discord. We just have to wait for the referee to get here.” Celestia walked over to a table. Luna followed to a second table, with Discord taking the remaining table between them.

“Who's the referee then?” Discord asked, shooting Celestia a questioning glance.

“Applejack. Since it's her first batch of this cider, it's only fair that she gets to referee this game.”

“That seems fair, does it not, Discord?” Luna nodded in acceptance before turning to face the Draconequus.

“Whatever. Just another pair of eyes to witness me out-drink you both.” He waggled a talon in their direction before unfolding his chair and sitting in it.

“Oh, is someone getting' uppity? How ‘bout we fix that,” a familiar voice interjected, drawing their attention.

Three pairs of eyes searched for the voice’s owner. They were momentarily entranced by the Valiant Hero and Element of Honesty, Applejack, standing before them. She stood proudly on all fours under a leafy archway. The wind picked up, and caught her mane just right for it to appear as if it flowed just like the two princesses' hair always did. Oblivious to how powerful she looked at that moment, Applejack just strode up to them. The moment was broken as somewhere else in the gardens, a patrolling guard whistled loudly to pass the time.

“Good evening, Applejack. I am glad you could join us,” Luna spoke up first, greeting the orange mare. Discord huffed before leaning back in his chair.

Applejack bowed to her princesses. “Good evenin’ Princess Luna. Alright, everypony listen up! These're the rules. Ya'll pass out, ya lose. Ya'll can only use magic on yer own bottles, steins, and selves. No healin' magic to flush the alcohol from yer systems, neither. Ya'll mind casting a spell on each other that goes off if ya use any?” All three contestants were taken aback at her tone for a second, before both Celestia and Luna nodded. Discord just snapped his fingers. Each contestant had a new necklace, with a big ruby sitting in it. Celestia demonstrated by casting a healing spell on herself, and her ruby lit up angrily. “Good. Last one conscious at the end of this is the winner. What that means is up to ya'll after that.” She raised a forehoof before speaking once more, “Ya'll ready?”

Applejack nodded and asked again, “Ya’ll ready?”

Each contestant pried open their first case, slipped a bottle out, popped it open, and poured a stein. Looking at each other, they nodded at Applejack. She raised her hoof higher and hollered, “Then let's get to it, ya'll! Go!”

At her cry, they lifted their steins and started drinking. Discord heartily chugged his drink, downing it in naught but a few seconds. Celestia and Luna drank at a more refined pace, but still finished theirs before twenty seconds had lapsed. They finished three more steins each as Applejack looked on with a mix of horror, shock, and respect for the three multi-millennia-old beings, and just how youthfully fast they could put away a bottle of hard cider.

After his second bottle, Discord leaned back to take a short break to catch his breath and steady himself. ‘That cider works quick! It must be the zap apples.’ He looked to his left at Celestia, whom was in better shape than himself, only her magical field wobbling slightly as she prepared another stein. Luna, on the other claw, looked like she wasn't even phased by the drink. She sat stoically, preparing her steins a bottle at a time.

“This bring back good memories, Luna?” Discord called out, breaking the competitive silence that had settled into the area.

“You could say that, Discord. As much as I always enjoy a good challenge, the last time I was part of a drinking contest was before I… betrayed Celestia,” Luna looked crestfallen, “and was banished to the moon.” She buried those feelings to be felt another day, with less drink and more quality time with her sister. Luna looked over to see Celestia smiling sadly back.

Somewhat disheartened by her sudden attitude shift, he turned to Celestia. “How about you, Celly? Any good drinking contests while I was out?”

Celestia’s gaze flew from her sister to Discord. “A few, here or there. Nothing with a drink quite this unique, but the last one was oh... three hundred years ago.” Celestia lifted a hoof to her chin thoughtfully. “I hid my wings with a disguise while on vacation, and had come across a bar in a then much-smaller Manehatten. It was rundown, disgusting, and perfect for a good time…” She chuckled good-naturedly, pausing to drink her stein.

“What do ya mean, disguise, princess?” Applejack asked.

Celestia waved a hoof to Luna. “Though Luna’s more adept and efficient with illusion spells than I am, I’m no slouch either. A few illusion spells to mask them from sight and touch were easy enough to weave,” she replied cheekily.

“Anyways, just after walking through the door, I hear-tell of a drinking contest. Ten ponies were going to compete, with a few spots yet open. The winner won half the combined value of their drinks, losers paid for theirs. A simple little contest, really. I don't quite remember who won that contest, but it wasn't myself... and I ended up spending most of what I had planned for shopping money that night.” The look on her face was more amused than sad, like a bittersweet memory.

Luna looked shocked at her sister's story, while Discord merely chuckled knowingly. “Was worth it, right?” Celestia nodded before they threw back another stein like old friends. The cold, competitive atmosphere surrounding the gardens had warmed greatly at Celestia's tale. It was warm now, almost friendly.

“There were others before that, but I've not had a chance to cut loose since then. I fully intend to do so tonight.” To prove her point, she downed another stein before refilling it. They downed another bottle each before Discord spoke up again.

“Hey Luna, remember when you and Celestia overthrew me with that drinking contest?” That question drew Applejack's attention. “That was an awesome contest. Even though I lost and was turned to stone for most of the last 1500 years, I still say it was worth the hangovers we had after.” Discord threw back another stein, smiling fondly at the contest roughly a millennia and a half prior.

“Whut the hay is he-” Lost in their respective memories, Applejack’s question was left on the sidelines.

“I do remember, and it was worth every minute.” Luna downed another stein. “Still, the drinks have improved immensely since then, have they not?” Luna questioned. Applejack noted that even though she'd consumed as much as her adversaries, it hadn't seemed to affect her in any way yet. “Though, they still do not hold up against my own moonshine.”

“I agree, but I'm still surprised how strong they are now! Back then, a contest between the three of us would last days before Celestia passed out. I doubt this one will last another two hours,” Discord reminisced, thinking of better days when he led, or more accurately played with, Equestria.

Applejack coughed, interrupting their shared reminiscence. “Whut the hay is he talkin’ about, Princess?”

“Sorry, Applejack. We are just three old creatures dredging up memories that should be long forgotten,” Luna apologized sincerely before downing another stein.

“That's alright, Princess, but what did Discord mean about a drinking contest? Ah thought that it was some huge battle where you and Princess Celestia finally overthrew him and brought peace to Equestria,” Applejack asked, not liking where this conversation was headed.

“You mean they didn't put that one in the history books? Oh Celly, I thought you, of all ponies, would've had such a contest written down as it happened!” Snapping his talons, a history textbook appeared in Discord's outstretched palm. He quickly opened it and skipped right to the battle where he was overthrown. “This is wrong. All of it! Why have such, such drivel written about that? I mean, it's like I was never a threat in this!”

“To be fair, you never were,” Celestia chimed in, laughing at Discord's teasing.

Discord grumbled before snapping the book away and downing another stein angrily. Celestia kept giggling, starting to have a little trouble lifting her stein to her lips without spilling.

After their fifth bottle, Applejack noticed something, a slight charge tingled in the air and she heard cracking when they fell silent. Celestia looked to Discord before laughing again. “Hey! You've got electric hair, Discord! Check it out!” She conjured a mirror in front of him. Sure enough, the hair on his face, in his ears, and the mane on his back crackled with lightning. But it didn't stop there, each crackle of lightning shifted with the colors of a rainbow. Luna looked on nonplussed, thinking Discord was just doing this to distract them from his outrage with the history book. Applejack suddenly realized she hadn’t considered how much damage the three could do with their combined powers when plastered, and her mind horrified her by rectifying the situation.

He checked his face out, admiring his new look before smirking deviously. Dread filled Applejack when she noticed his smirk and she hoped whatever he had planned wasn’t for her. Abruptly turning, he grabbed a tuft of his beard, still crackling, and tossed it to Luna. It contacted her shoulder and crackled again as it jolted her. She jumped up and out of her seat, yelping in surprise.

Meanwhile, Celestia went from giggling to full-on belly laughing at Luna's shriek. Guffawing loudly himself, Discord grabbed his tuft back and slipped it back into place, as Luna got back into her seat, her shoulder twitching slightly. ‘Are they all insane or am Ah missing something here?’ Applejack thought. She quickly stood up and galloped away into the castle, a fearful look on her face.

“That was not funny, Discord,” Luna groused, jolting the Draconnequus's tail in return.

Discord merely looked at the singed fur on his tail and used a talon to cut the burned hair off. “Worth it. Even though I'll have to re-grow that hair, that look on your face was priceless!”

The sound of metal scraping against metal off to the side caused all three to look over to Applejack, who now had donned a large pan for a helmet, seemingly from nowhere, with a few pans adorning her back and chest. Their expressions demanded an explanation. “Whut? I’m just gettin’ ready,” Applejack’s reply was curt and her expression was serious.

They collectively shrugged and each drank another stein before Luna stopped grumbling and looking past him to Celestia. “Celestia, I haven't heard you laugh that hard in a millennia.”

“Truthfully, while you were gone I didn't laugh like that either,” Celestia admitted, her tone turning somber as she stared at her drink. “Sure, I laughed and had fun, but nothing like just a moment ag—” She hiccupped once, and her mane and tail started crackling just like Discord's did.

A few loud thumps and more scraping metal off to the side showed Applejack had somehow acquired enough sandbags to entrench herself. Another trio of looks shot at her and she explained again, “Still gettin’ prepared here, just in case.” She’d also managed to acquire more pots and pans to cover herself in makeshift armor completely.

Luna merely sighed in defeat as she noticed her own mane and tail follow suit, crackling with rainbow-colored lightning. Applejack asked, “Uh, ya'll doin that with a spell, or is that the cider?”

Luna looked between Discord and Celestia for a moment before she responded, “That would most likely be the cider, Applejack. I think one of the Zap Apple's properties transferred to the drink, and then to us.”

Applejack nodded sheepishly, she hadn't expected the electrical property from the apple to transfer to the drinker. “Eeyup, this one's new to me. Might want to slap a warning label on the batch that we sell, then.”

“That would be a good idea,” Luna replied, examining her mane some more. Her own lightning seemed to be in shades of blue, occasionally purple or green, but didn’t crackle very far in distance, only a few inches on average. Celestia leaned over to examine Discord’s lightning, and compared it with her own. Discord’s seemed to be rather randomly colored and violently crackled at the table or the ground. It sometimes even flashed pure white or even black, while Celestia’s flashed in any of a rainbow’s colors, and crackled between her mane and tail.

Over the next two hours, the alcohol seemed to take hold, affecting their minds a bit. Discord seemed to become more serious and depressed, lamenting some of his life’s decisions in his mind, while his speech changed in that he cut off a few letters throughout. Luna hardly changed at all, other than lightning in her mane and tail, with her domain over the Night giving her a near-immunity to any and all alcohol. Celestia changed the most; she couldn't use her magic well enough to lift her stein and had to resort to her hooves, but became very bubbly and energetic, and her speech tended to slur. She kept telling jokes or brought up good memories to try and lift Discord's mood, but they only really succeeded for a few moments. Used to being up before dawn, Applejack hardly stayed up this late and was fighting to stay awake inside her makeshift bunker, which she’d expanded once to store a few snacks she’d gotten from the kitchens.

“Hey Applejack,” Celestia started, like she was about to tell a joke. She excitedly continued, “Did you know Alicorns don’t need sleep?”

“Uh, no ma'am, ah thought ya needed sleep just like everypony else,” she replied, slightly confused by the sudden attention.

“I know right?” Celestia said like she was making small talk. “But Alicornsh use shleep as a healing thingie or shomethin’. Like…” Celestia put her hoof up to her chin and thought on how to finish the sentence.

“Applejack.” Luna spoke, garnering the farm pony's attention. “Alicorns use sleep to increase their regenerative properties. If Celestia or I were hurt,” she stopped for a moment to look at the tipsy white sun princess, “or in this case, drunk.” Luna smiled absentmindedly, then turned back to Applejack. “We'd fall asleep to heal faster,” she finished with a welcome smile.

“Don’ f’get me Miss Moon Pr’ncess,” Discord interrupted, waving an arm in the air. “I c’n do tha’ too!” he said with an untypical smile.

“Er, yes indeed. He can,” Luna affirmed, not quite sure herself.

After silence, and another bottle, fell again to their onslaught, Celestia leaned over and started batting a hoof playfully at Discord’s tail, jumping every once in a while when she got shocked by his lightning. The Draconnequus grew sad as his mind wandered, and he didn’t even bother teasing Celestia with his tail. “I know I've been a bad g’y, trying to take over Equestr’a after I got free ‘n all, but in the end, you two’re all I'll have after ‘few centuries or so. And Cad’nce and Twiligh’ will still be wit’ us, of course.” He then perked up a bit. “Ev’n Fluttershy will die som’day, and I'll lose my first true fr’end.”

Celestia stopped batting at his tail and looked over to her sister. Luna looked down dejectedly as she replied, dourly killing the mood further, “No, Discord, you will have just us. I looked into it, and while both Cadence and Twilight are Alicorns, they are still mortal. They may live five hundred years because of their power, but they will eventually leave us.”

Applejack’s dozing was quickly interrupted at that. “Yah mean she’s not immortal, like you three are? If anypony wants and deserves ta help ponies ferever, it’d be Twilight.” Naturally, this revelation caused a further slip in Discord's mood and he threw back another stein, this time in a two large gulps.

“Truthfully, Applejack, we are not even immortal. Only the ravages of time will not claim us. We are still vulnerable to disease and can be killed if something large enough hits us or… the like,” Luna admitted morosely.

“Hey, there'sh no need to be so down about this, Dishy!” Celestia exclaimed. “You know what cheersh me up when I'm sad or streshed? I visit a comedy club or go to the shpa and get pampered!”

“Celly, I ‘preciate the thought, but I don’t need to be ch’red up." Discord quickly became more and more agitated as Celestia tried cheering him up. The lightning in his hair danced more dangerously. Luna noticed his claws clench, like he was about to lash out at Celestia.

“But Dishcord, I-”

“That’s enough, Celestia,” Luna interjected, before Discord could do something rash. Noticing Celestia’s entire demeanor had deflated at her words, and the crackles in her mane and tail diminished greatly, she got up from her chair, walked over to her sister and hugged Celestia. “I know you are trying to help, but all you are helping to do is irritate him right now.”

Celestia eagerly let herself be drawn into Luna’s hug, only to be shocked as their lightning crackled against the other’s body. Luna leapt back, and Celestia tried, but her inebriated state made it look more like a stumble. They shared an awkward look before folding back into the hug, deliberately ignoring the shocks. As she watched the sisters hug, what little conscious bit remained of Applejack’s mind came up with the words ‘Mood Lightning’ to describe the lightning the cider gave them, and she chuckled to herself. Celestia then swayed to her hooves and moved over to Discord.

“I’m sorry I acted like that, but I jus-ust don’t like sheeing you unhappy like this. E-Even when we were drinking againsht one another to rule Equeshtria, you never got depressed. If anything, you got even more… you than before,” she slurred. Gently reaching over, just as Luna had done to her a moment prior, she hugged Discord gently.

Discord let himself be hugged as he felt some of his earlier tension flow away. “I-I know you’re only tryin’ to help, C’lly, but I don’t need a spa treatm’nt or anything like that to fix what’s got me down.”

Celestia let go of Discord and leaned back before speaking, “If you don’t mind me ashking, what ish affecting you?”

Discord sighed and continued, “It’s nothin’ that anypony can do anything about now. Th’old mind’s just goin’ over old mem’ries.” He looked up to see the princesses sharing a look. “It was well b’fore either of you two showed up, f’r the record.”

Luna nodded politely and sipped at her drink while Celestia hugged him again before returning to her own chair. She spoke up softly enough for just Discord to hear, “Well, if you ever want to talk about it, I’m shure Luna and I would be willing to lishen.”

“I’m not sure I ever will want t’talk about it, but thanks for th’offer,” he replied, whispering back. Even though he hadn’t revealed his true thoughts, he still felt a bit better knowing that the pair would be willing to listen.

“You’re more than welcome, Dishcord.” Celestia nodded resolutely before turning back to her drink. “We might ash well finish off the bottle, at least. I’m getting rather sleepy, myshelf.” She then looked to Applejack apologetically, “Sorry to have wasted yo–” she cut herself off after a getting a good look at the farmer. Applejack seemed to barely be awake. She was laying down, keeping an eye on them, but only in the barest sense and rapidly fading away to dreamland. “Applejack?” The mare in question opened her eyes wider and shook her head to wake herself up slightly. “Shorry to have wasted your time, it seemsh we’re not really competing anymore, are we?”

Celestia looked to Luna, who took over speaking, “It seems we are not. If you want to, you may retire to your room and get some rest. Do you need somepony to help you?”

“Nah, Ah’ve got it, your highness. If ya’ll're done with the competition, Ah’m gonna call it a draw and get some shuteye, then.” Applejack yawned loudly before shakily standing up, her armor clanking and screeching loudly. Wincing, but now wide awake, she promptly about-faced and walked out of the gardens, hooves dragging the whole way.

After Applejack had gone, Discord let out a sigh of relief and just sprawled forward across his table and hiccuped a few times. Celestia had flopped down on the ground to keep her world from spinning, but went back to playing with Discord’s tail after a few moments. They’d had ten bottles of hard cider each, after all. Luna looked at her two former competitors and wondered who would be the first to pass out, between them.

“Well, since this competition is over, I’m going to go get ready for some shleep. Come here, Lulu, Dishcord.” Celestia rolled over, stood up and met her sister halfway, wrapping a wing around her sister. The other wrapped around Discord lightly, careful not to draw too tight.

Huh. What do you know, they’re actually acting like sisters, for once. For indulging me tonight, and being as accommodating as they could, the least I can do is offer to teleport them up to their rooms,’ Discord mused. “You w’nt me to teleport you up t’your room, Celly? What ab’t you, Luna?” he offered as he looked around to Luna in Celestia’s other wing. “Or I c’n send you both to one r’m, if you want t’spend a little time t’gether.”

Celestia nodded and turned to Luna. “I would love it if Luna s-shpent a little time with me tonight.” Luna snuggled closer to her sister before an affirmative nod was thrown in his direction.

Discord charged some of his energy, intending to teleport them to Celestia’s tower. Assuming his power was inhibited by the cider like Celestia’s appeared to be, he purposely poured more than he felt was necessary into the spell.

“Good night. We will see you in the morning, Discord.” Luna reached around Celestia, and held a hoof up for Discord.

“With m’own hangover, no doubt.” Smiling, his talon bumped her hoof before releasing his spell. A bright flash erupted through the gardens, and they were gone. Discord grabbed the cider cases and stashed them away in the wine cellar. He left the tables, chairs, and Applejack’s sandbag bunker for the patrolling guards to clean up, or himself to grab if they didn’t by morning, as he made his way to his room.

Not one of them, not even Discord himself, bothered to check how much power was behind his teleportation spell, or whether his power was actually inhibited.

Author's Note:

Insert generic 'It's my first fic' here, but don't hold back. If something is wrong, tell me.

BioChemicalWolfGear went absolutely nuts here, helping me with characterization. Jesus Christ man. All I wanted was someone to go over grammar and spelling, not tear the characters apart (in only one case, literally). I also may have plagiarized several of his comments to add to the scene. But he's cool like that.

11:00 PM - BioChemicalWolfGear: That's why my comments are long and wordy :D

Before I forget to say this, Celestia and Discord’s drunken states are based on two of my friends.

The actual elements each sister wielded in season four’s premier only differ slightly from this story. Truthfully, swap Magic and Laughter, and that’s the only difference.
This story:
Celestia – Generosity, Kindness, Laughter
Luna – Honesty, Loyalty, Magic
Season Four premiere:
Celestia – Generosity, Kindness, Magic
Luna – Honesty, Laughter, Loyalty