• Published 18th May 2014
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Apples, Tanks, N' Badflanks - ultra1437



Celestia and Luna go on an unexpected adventure after a drinking contest gone awry. Let’s follow them, and see what kind of trouble and adventure our drunken princesses can manage to find!

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Epilogue - All's Well That Ends Well, I Think

As soon as the three ponies passed through the portal’s threshold, along with their ‘trophies,’ it fell. Literally, it fell over before dissipating. The cool night settled around them, soothing Celestia and Luna’s adrenaline rushes from the battle.

“‘Tia?” Luna started, looking to her bedraggled sister as she set the Avenger off to the side softly.

The turret crashed to the ground, only partially crushing a shrub nearby, and Celestia stepped up on top of it. “Yes?” Celestia replied, laying down and curling up, as if to sleep.

“We are home,” Luna responded, her tone more to convince herself than to inform her sister. She looked around to see the Castle’s garden surrounding her. “We are home!” She stepped up onto the turret and prodded Celestia’s form a few times.

“I know, Lulu. I’m just beyond tired right now.” Celestia squirmed a bit at her sister’s poking. “I’m just going to sleep here, wherever here happens to be.”

“We’re outside, in the castle’s gardens, Celestia,” Twilight’s tired voice joined the conversation as she eyed the objects they’d brought home with them. “Sleep does sound like a great idea, too.”

“There’s more than enough room up here, Twilight. We’ll deal with everything after some rest.” An alabaster hoof patted a spot next to Celestia. Twilight hopped up and made her way over, snuggling into Celestia’s larger, warmer form easily.

“‘Tia? Aren’t you glad to be home?” Luna asked, giving her sister one last poke.

“I am, Lulu. But I can appreciate that feeling much more after I’ve gotten some rest. Today wasn’t a quick trot through the forest, after all,” Celestia’s voice was no more than a whisper.

“I… you bring up a fair point.” Luna yawned foalishly. “Now that the excitement is over, I am feeling much more tired too.” Luna laid down on Twilight’s other side, leaving the purple mare as the literal definition of between day and night.

Discord, who’d held the portal open on Equestria’s side, chuckled to himself at their exchange. He was tired too after expending that much energy to get the portal that close to the stranded princesses. ‘Well, they look like they’ve had quite the adventure. From the looks of things, Sunbu-Celestia’s used her gift again. Luna must’ve gotten hurt for that to happen.

Turning and walking away, he snapped a claw once. A small light flashed off all three resting poines’ foreheads, just below their horns. ‘There. Moonbutt’s not the only one who can use dream magic.

^<v>^<v>^<v>^

Mysteriously, sunlight found its way into Celestia’s eyes. She sat up, her eyes unfocused and her hooves unsteady. Just a few hooflengths away, Luna lay asleep.

“Morning, Celestia. Did you sleep well?” A familiar voice drew her attention. Twilight sat on a bench nearby, a book hovering in her magic.

Looking to the mid-morning sun, Celestia replied, “I did, Twilight. If I might ask, who raised the sun this morning?”

Twilight blushed. “That would be me. And Discord. He helped.”

Her mind still muzzy, Celestia didn’t quite process that answer as well as she should’ve. “I see. We will have to speak to him later about this whole incident, but first… how have you been these last three days?”

Twilight tilted her head in confusion. “Three days? Princess, it’s been twelve days.” Now Celestia was wide awake.

“Truly it’s been that long? Counting the night we arrived, Luna and I only spent three nights there.” Celestia stood shakily, moving to stretch her wings and her legs.

“Without actually doing some research about that world and ours, their days and nights must be much longer than ours. Or something like that,” Twilight guessed, running a few calculations in her head.

“Despite how much you like to do research, Twilight, this is one thing I cannot let you do.” Celestia arched her back and received a satisfying pop before sighing. “That world’s inhabitants are far more dangerous than even the dragons or gryphons.”

“From what I saw you and Luna fighting, I agree.” Twilight stood and set the book on her bench. “Oh! If I may ask, what letters did you get? We sent roughly a dozen.”

“Luna received one, and I received one. I believe mine was marked with something about ‘Magically boosted dragonfire.’”

Twilight perked up. “So number three made it to you?” Twilight then turned to Luna’s still sleeping form. “Which one did your sister receive?”

“It was one of Discord’s. I remember it shouting at us.” Celestia walked to the edge of the turret before stepping down.

Luna groaned and turned over, away from Celestia’s noisy steps. “Five more minutes, ‘Tia. We implore thee…” she murmured.

Celestia’s stomach grumbled quietly. Teacher and student shared a look before Celestia smiled mischievously. Her horn lit, and the entire turret glowed before lifting off the ground. She cooed lightly, “Lulu, it’s time to get up. We’re going to get breakfast.”

Luna groaned once, before turning over and going back to sleep.

“Suit yourself. We’re still going to breakfast.” Celestia lifted the Avenger as well before motioning to Twilight. Twilight sighed and they made their way to the Castle, intent on finding the dining hall.

Twilight whispered up to Celestia, “You’re really going to carry her, asleep, along with those weapons the whole way?”

Celestia nodded silently. Luna snored once, quite loudly, causing both teacher and student to stop and hold a hoof to their mouth to keep their laughter in. After a moment, the feeling passed and they continue on.

With cheshire grins, Celestia and Twilight shushed anypony they come across as the pair, plus sleeping third, made their way to the dining hall. Once they’d arrived, Twilight cleared a few chairs out of the way and Celestia set the turret, Luna still asleep atop it, in the space. The Avenger was placed in a remote corner, out of everypony else’s way. Celestia and Twilight seated themselves and waited.

Not two minutes later, a servant came. He eyed the turret, and Luna sleeping on it, warily. “And what would you two like to eat this morning, your highnesses?”

“A stack of waffles sounds lovely this morning, doesn’t it, Twilight?” Celestia asked, looking to the only other conscious alicorn in the room.

Twilight nodded. “Yes it does, Celestia.”

The waiter eyed Luna again for a split second. “Excellent. Is there any particular flavor you wished to add?”

Celestia hummed for a second, holding her a hoof to her chin. “I’m feeling in the mood for raspberries this morning. What about you, Twilight?”

“I’m feeling like I want some blackberries, myself,” Twilight responded, the hint of a knowing grin creeping up on her face.

“Alright then. They should be ready shortly.” The waiter turned and made his way out of the dining hall.

Twilight shuddered. “I’m still getting used to being called ‘your highness,’ even now. I hope I never do get used to it.” Twilight shook her head, watching Luna sleep deeply.

“So, how are you Twilight?” Celestia pre-empted Twilight’s brush-off with a hoof over her mouth. “I know you were tired when you retrieved us from that other world, but I still want to know how you held up against the Canterlot nobility.”

Twilight sighed as the hoof left her lips. “I know lying is useless, you know my tells.” Celestia chuckled and waved a hoof, urging Twilight on. “It was rough. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it would be, but somepony had to step up and keep order while you and Luna had mysteriously disappeared.”

Celestia laid a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder reassuringly. “Celestia, I was lost at several points. Only my friends and I, and oddly enough in one instance, Discord, kept the country running anywhere close to normally. I… he’s a lot smarter than he acts. It’s a good thing that we were able to help him see that friendship is a good thing, not something to spurn and destroy.”

Celestia beamed. “So, you learned a few things about him?” Twilight nodded, blushing sheepishly. “Good. He was once like he is now, but something caused him to stray. I’m grateful that you and your friends, Fluttershy especially, could help return him to the path he once walked.”

“I learned a bit about my friends as well–” Twilight cut herself off as the waiter returned with two large plates stacked with waffles.

He placed their meals down in front of them and asked, “Is there anything else you require, your highnesses?”

“A glass of orange juice wouldn’t be turned down here.” Twilight held a hoof up.

“I’ll have one as well. I’ve not had a good meal in several days,” Celestia added, her stomach grumbling in agreement. The waiter nodded and turned to leave, but she spoke up again, “May we also get a plate and glass of juice for my sister here? I have a feeling she’ll rejoin us among the living shortly.”

He nodded once more and left. Both ponies dug in heartily, both enjoying the flavor of a breakfast they didn’t often have and each other’s presence. As breakfast’s smell permeated throughout the room, Twilight noticed one of Luna’s ears twitch before a loud snore ripped itself from her frame. Both ponies quietly giggled like fillies for a moment.

The waiter quickly returned with their juice and Luna’s plate. He was unsure if he should hop up onto the turret to place her plate, and Celestia just levitated it and their juice from him into their spots. He quickly bowed and made his way out.

Twilight ignored all of this, watching Luna almost literally emerge from a kind of shell. Her nose twitched like a mouse as she uncurled from herself, trying to find the heavenly smell that graced her nostrils. Her eyes groggily opened as she rolled onto her back and stretched her hooves.

Celestia noticed her sister’s movement had completely captured Twilight's attention, her breakfast forgotten. “You know, it’s considered rude to stare, Twilight.” That seemed to jolt her from her shock and she continued eating, still keeping an eye on Luna’s stretching form.

“What time is it ‘Tia? Wait, forget that, what is that delectable smell?” Luna sniffed the air twice, opening her eyes fully. Her nose pointed her in two directions, both equally delicious-smelling. One direction beheld Twilight, with what appeared to be blackberry waffles. The other showed her Celestia, with waffles as well, raspberries instead of blackberries.

“I don’t know, Luna. Would it be this breakfast we’re having?” Celestia asked rhetorically, motioning to their plates. Luna’s jaw dropped at the intermixing smells, and she drooled only very slightly.

Celestia giggled. “Here, have some of ours. We weren’t quite sure what you wanted to eat, so we got large enough portions to share.” She lifted a few waffles from her plate onto Luna’s. Twilight did the same, offering some of her meal to Luna.

“Thank you sister, Twilight. These smell great!” Her stomach grumbled loudly, cutting off any further thoughts of not-food. Luna blushed as she added, “Sorry!” before digging into her meal with gusto.

All three ponies finished their meals quickly, Luna nearly devouring her waffles whole. Meal done, the waiter came and took their plates, leaving them to chat.

“So, ‘Tia. What are we going to do this fine morning?” Luna asked.

Before Celestia could respond, Twilight spoke up, “Well, we could swing by the rest of the palace and let the staff know you’re back, at least.” Both ponies nodded. “While we’re at it, where are you going to store those weapons?” Twilight motioned to the turret Luna lounged on and to the Avenger sitting off in the corner.

Luna’s eyes widened in realization before glaring at Celestia. “Sister? Did you carry myself, still asleep on the turret, through the castle and all the way here?”

Celestia hid her chuckle behind a wing. “Well I couldn’t leave you alone in the gardens like that, could I? Especially after what you’d said during the fight.” The wing fell to her side as she continued, “Despite what it seems like, I didn’t want you to wake up without a friendly face nearby.”

Luna huffed before hopping down and walking over to her sister. “You are a silly princess, Celestia. Even if I had awoken alone, I know you are still here. That is enough for me.” A hoof bopped the back of Celestia’s head lightly. “Still, thank you. Waking up to breakfast was a lovely thing to do.” Luna wrapped a wing around her sister’s larger frame, trying to emulate her sister’s motherly behavior.

Suddenly, Twilight perked up and she swore, “Horseapples, I’m late.” Both sisters looked to Twilight for an explanation. “Some kind of meeting’s going on now.” A pair of knowing nods were her response. “It wasn’t fun to run Equestria while you were gone, but it was good experience. I… may have something for you later, Celestia. Do either of you wish to come with, or do you want to relax a little while longer?”

Both sisters shared a look before shaking their heads. “Sorry, Twilight. Could you handle this one without us?”

Twilight sighed and nodded. “Alright, but you owe me one, Celestia. You know what that means.” With that, Twilight hopped out of her seat, and strode off.

The fur on Celestia’s face lost what little color it held, as Luna spoke up, “What did she mean by that?” A hoof found it’s way to Celestia’s face.

“That I’m going to regret that decision later.” The hoof waved in the air a few times before she continued, “We came up with an agreement awhile back. When I need a break and she wants to go in my stead, the agreement applies. Suffice to say… that there’s going to be a–” Celestia’s wingtips performed air quotes “–‘fun’ night.”

Luna hopped down next to her sister. “What? Does she torture you or something? Sister, if she’s hurti—” Luna was cut off prematurely.

“It’s nothing of the sort, sister. She’s merely… enthusiastic about several subjects that are restricted for a reason,” Celestia replied, wrapping a wing about Luna. “Anyways, let’s go. If we’re going to relax, we’re going to–”

“They’re back! That means it’s time for a party!” A voice cried from the other end of the hall. Both sisters turned to see a three ponies just entering the dining hall.

“Aww yeah. Time to break out the good stuff, Pinkie!” another voice cried as they ran across the room.

“What is that dreadful thing? Oh my, look at that how ugly that otherone is!” The ponies made their way over to Celestia and Luna, who untangled themselves from each other.

“Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity! How good to see you! From what Twilight’s said, you’ve helped Equestria immensely while we were forcibly indisposed.” Celestia spoke earnestly. Luna just watched the exchange quietly.

Pinkie giggled. “You weren’t disposed, Princess! You were gone!”

Rarity piped up, “That’s one definition of what ‘indisposed’ means, darling.”

Pinkie let out a soft ‘Oh’ in understanding.

Rainbow shot into the air, suddenly mad. “Wait, ‘forcibly’? Discord did this on purpose? Wait ‘till I get my hooves–”

A pink blur hopped on her back, nearly forcing her to the ground. “No it wasn’t, Dashie. He made a mistake, and helped fix it! He even said he’d submit to any punishment deemed necessary, or something like that.” Luna’s eyes shot wide at Pinkie’s words as she hopped off Rainbow’s back and strode over to the Avenger. “What’s this thing do?”

“It could do with a bit of sprucing up, boorish as it is,” Rarity commented.

Celestia coughed, bringing the attention back to herself. “That, along with the other object, is something we obtained from the other world, Pinkie Pie. Think of them like trophies.”

“You mean you won these while you were over there?” Pinkie gasped, bounding over to the turret. “Ohmygosh, what contest did you win to get such a large trophy?”

Luna spoke up this time, her face a formal mask, “They are like trophies, but they are actually weapons.”

Rainbow exclaimed, “Awesome!” as she floated over to the Avenger, trying to figure it out.

Her head inclined to Rarity. “They may not be pretty, but they kept us alive. That is what matters most to us. Without them, we might not have made it back at all.”

Pinkie and Rarity gasped in horror. Rarity spoke dramatically, “But you two are like the strongest ponies I know! Princess, you even taught Twilight yourself. The other world can’t have had that many meanie-heads!”

Celestia held up a hoof. “We might want to save that whole discussion for when we’re all together. How about we go round up the others, and then we tell you about it.”

“I’m on it, Princess.” Dash saluted and shot from the room.

^<v>^<v>^<v>^

A short while later, the missing ponies, and dragon and draconequus, were found and coaxed to Celestia’s chambers. Luna dropped the Avenger off just outside her own room, while their party of ten sat on top of or around the turret currently.

The sisters regaled the others with their misbegotten adventure, trading off speakers every so often to add details or when a perspective changed. Some moments moved their audience to tears while others they laughed along.

“And then we fell asleep in the gardens, on this turret.”

Discord raised a paw. “For the record, I’m sorry. I thought my power was inhibited like yours looked to be, Celestia.”

Celestia looked to Luna. “I want to dismiss this all like it was nothing, but that’s something we can’t do, can we sister?” Luna shook her head. “I don’t want to impose too harsh a punishment either, as this was an accident and aside from some scrapes, but we returned alive and whole.”

Luna’s eyes lit up. “I have it, ‘Tia!” She quickly whispered into Celestia’s ear, noting how the Draconequus suddenly had a fearful expression on his face.

Celestia smirked. “That’s perfect.” She cleared her throat. “Discord, I propose that as your punishment, you shall spend one agreed upon evening talking to Twilight Sparkle about any topic she wishes. You may not refuse to answer any question, unless you honestly do not know the answer to it. Each answer must be the whole, unfiltered truth.” Her posture relaxed slightly, as Discord seemed to shake fearfully. “Is this a suitable punishment?” Celestia swept her gaze among the others in the room.

Twilight’s expression matched his as the others murmured their agreement. Twilight spoke up, “Not happening, Celestia. You’re not worming your way out of that discussion. He can have his own evening, but he’s not replacing you.”

Almost got away with it, too.’ Celestia looked to Luna. “Fine. If I’m going, then Luna is too. She knows some of those topics better than I ever will.” Luna shrieked and tried to run, only to be held down by Celestia’s magic for a moment. “You can run all you want, Lulu, but she’ll find you. And she will interrogate you. There’s no escape from the Purple Knowledge-Eater.” Luna seemed to shrink and cowered for a minute.

Pinkie giggled at Luna’s actions. The others joined Pinkie nervously, sensing the irony. Twilight sulked. ‘I do not interrogate ponies. I just enthusiastically ask them question after question.

Luna whispered to Celestia as she calmed down. “‘Tia? Can we go back to the other world? I’d rather fight them than be subject to interrogation by your former student. She frightens me more than they ever did.”

“No, we can’t, Lulu. You don’t really have to come, but I would like you there.” Celestia nuzzled her sister slightly before pulling back. Looking to Twi, she raised her voice slightly, “Twilight? How about Discord joins us on that evenin–”

Twilight headed her off, “Nope. Two separate evenings, one for Discord, one for yourself and Luna.” Both ponies started to debate.

After several moments, Celestia was defeated, completely and utterly. Twilight was just too smart. The once naïve little pony had dissected the solar diarch’s diversions with all the efficiency of a brain surgeon. Her longest tangents were exhausted. Her most confusing riddles solved. Her former most faithful student had an insatiable hunger for knowledge and learning that would not be stopped. ‘If she were a black hole, and knowledge was light, she would have devoured the universe already,’ Celestia shivered at the thought.

Luna was in awe. “You may have a place in politics yet, Twilight. I have never seen my sister so soundly defeated with words.”

Twilight beamed from Luna’s compliment, a wide smile adorning her face. “Thank you, Luna.” She looked to her friends, and noticed their shocked expressions. “What? She did teach me pretty much everything, you know.”

Revelling only slightly in the friendship, even with an ‘interrogation’ for rare knowledge looming on the horizon, Discord leaned back and started dozing in contentment. ‘I’m glad that Sunbutt and Moonbutt came out alright in the end. They’re actually kind of fun to be around, every once in a while. Just need to get a large pair of pliers to remove that stick from their backsides to get them to unwind,’ he thought. “How about another drinking contest sometime? No new-fangled super-magical alcohol this time, though.”

Applejack froze. Celestia and Luna looked at her shocked expression as it turned immediately to pure fear. They simultaneously thought, ‘Was… was Twilight not informed of how this all happened?

“Another?” Twilight yelled, looking between her mentor, her mentor’s sister, the draconequus, and her friend. Her eyes finally settled on Applejack. “You know, I never did ask you what that contest was, exactly.” While her expression was neutral, her tone betrayed her seething rage, “Applejack, my dear friend, would you mind explaining what that contest was?” Twilight’s expression soon matched her tone. “If you lie, we’ll know.”

Applejack gulped.

Author's Note:

Yep. This whole story was totally a thing. That I wrote. All because I got the mental image of Celestia surfing on a tank like it was a surfboard, being towed by Luna piloting a plane. Honestly, I’ve already got a sequel lined up and it might or might not already be in the works by the time this gets published.

There’s one specific paragraph here that wasn’t written by myself. I showed CDR what I had, and he came up with something much more awesome than I had. He was awesome enough to let me straight up use it, too.

And I’ve got a question for ya’ll. Would you be willing to read a ‘much’ (to me, your own experience may vary) darker version of this tale? I’ve got one partially written, but that’s mostly the much darker turn (only slightly crossovered with like three or four games), but what’s written is more combat than anything else. It’s also something to note that those few games I’d be referencing I’ve clocked hundreds, if not thousands of hours in. Each. Still in a similar-ish setting, though.