• Published 7th Mar 2012
  • 1,938 Views, 64 Comments

Pirates of Equestria - Lastingimage24

A battle between holy evil and blind truths takes place in the once utopian society that is Equestria. Six elements, two captains, and four Immortals struggle to clear the now blurred line between right and wrong.

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“You can curse to reveal something about the characters and the world they’re in… or you can use profanity just because you can.” -*

Chapter 4

“Cap’n, do you want us to dump the decapitated head? Or should we treat it with respect?” asked Fluttershy after giving the ruby box a last disgusted glance.

“Neither,” Patch said. “We’re keeping it.”

“What?” Fluttershy stammered, sticking her tongue out in revulsion. “Why would we want to do that?”

“Think about it, Fu’Shy,” Patch said as if he were talking to a small foal who asked why doors open. “That chest was obviously intended for royalty, being covered in rubies and all. They were headed in the general direction of Canterlot, which means it was a package for the Princesses.”

Fluttershy blinked. “Wait. You’re trying to tell me that someone was sending the Princess a disembodied head? What, like some kind of sick joke?”

“A ruby encrusted chest for a joke?” Patch asked in sarcastic disbelief. “That seems like a pretty expensive prank, Fu’Shy.”

“What are you implying? You can’t possibly mean…”

“Exactly,” Patch said whilst flicking his hoof. “The head is part of the treasure. They were going to use it for something. I don’t know what, but I intend to find out.”

“Did you say… Dash?” Vex asked, unsure about the conclusion she had come to. Vex looked up to the Wonderbolt in extreme admiration four years ago. Yet after two short years of acting like a silly fangirl, Vex learned about the accident. Spiraled right into a mountain, the paper said.

“Yeah,” Pinkie confirmed. After a short silence she lit up like a light bulb following a sudden realization. “Do you know Dash?! Ohmygosh have you met her?!”

“You mean… Rainbow Dash?” Vex inquired, still quite unsure. Pinkie Pie nodded furiously and beamed a white toothy grin that lit up the entire room. Vex felt uneasy; it wasn’t often she met a grounded person who was a fan of the Wonderbolts. “Pinks… you don’t know? She’s de—“

“Man I can tell you so many embarrassing stories about her!” Pinkie Pie cut her off unknowingly. “Did you know that one time she flew straight into a mountain? I wonder why!”

Vex blinked, then fumed. Wait, she personally knew her?! What the hell, man! I spent so much time trying to get in to see her, what the fuck! Vex was about to yell ’SHE’S DEAD MOTHERFUCKER’ into Pinkie’s face, but Pinkie interrupted Vex before she could.

“I haven’t seen her in like… ten years, but…” Pinkie said with a wistful smile stretching across her muzzle. Vex let out a small grunt with her mouth wide open, the hurtful truth dying on her beak. “It’s still there y’know? I love her… I loved them all…” Her dull gaze swept across the floor, and her smile dimmed to small, distant smirk. Like a light bulb with a vengeance, she lit up again. “Never mind that, what were you going to say?”

“She’s dedicated,” Vex spat instinctively without hesitation. Getting her thoughts straight, she sighed. She deserves the truth, she decided. But then, she looked up and saw that bright, cheerful face… and decided against it. I’m not well known for giving people what they deserve, anyway. “I was a fan… I admired her dedication.”

“A fan?” Pinkie asked. She then wore an expression of comprehension as she said, “Oooohhh, she actually made it in the Wonderbolts, huh? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, she’s a wonderful flier.”

“Wait, you were her friend and you didn’t know?” Vex said, accidentally leaving a trace of accusation.

“Yeah, I know… Ten years ago, we kinda fell apart,” Pinkie Pie recounted, some color from her fur seeming to dim. “We didn’t bother keeping touch… look where we ended up.” Vex looked away and exhaled, the tension in the room getting thick enough for her to cut it with her talons.

“Yeah, whatever Pinks.” Vex smirked and looked at the small pony again, maliciousness showing in her eyes. “Hey, now that you’ll be taking up half of my abode, you little shit, get some grub for us. It’s in the mess hall down in the west wing of this deck.” Vex wasn’t exactly the smoothest ice-breaker, but she could shatter ice with a napalm bomb when she wanted to… by being an absolute dick. It’s possible for people to be too distracted by your vileness to be sad or worry about other things. It was a strategy Vex knew well, and used often.

“Okie Doki Loki!” Pinkie shouted, a wide grin replacing her previously frowning face. She nearly flew out of the room in a pink blur. Vex looked at the spot previously occupied by Pinkie Pie, and sighed. Weirdo. I have a feeling I’m not going to be able to get decent sleep for a while now. Vex turned and climbed onto the top bunk of a regularly half empty two bunk bed. Being a griffin she had always liked being as far away from the ground as possible. She had contemplated sleeping on a cloud once, to see if it would be better, even though she was perfectly content with a solid bed. Curiosity overpowered her and she followed through.

It… didn’t end well.

Nevertheless, sleep was coming, even if she had to kill that annoying pink pony.

Captain Patch walked in his private quarters and set the parchment he had obtained from the ruby chest down on the elegant wooden desk, which was laden with various map reading tools and other knick-knacks for the sake of either decoration or study. Among the items on his desk was a compass, a lit oil lamp, and an encyclopedia he had recently used as a reference for a music box that had a riddle on it. Patch sat and unrolled the strange piece of paper that now occupied the desk. What the parchment contained hadn’t really surprised him; rather he kind of expected it.

Absolute gibberish. Typical. He wore a dull expression that one might give after hearing a bad joke. Now I’ll have to use my brain. Damn. The scroll that was unraveled on the table had trace amounts of fluorescent yellow ink, which were arranged in nonsensical scratches across the paper that didn’t look like any perceivable language. What annoyed Patch even more was the fact the bright yellow ‘lettering’ was barely visible against the sepia colored parchment. Sighing in aggravation, he reached for his mug of rum that had been sitting on his desk along with the other items. He felt his hoof hit something pretty heavy and looked up a little too late. A crashing noise was heard as the temperature of the lower half of his body suddenly raised. He realized what had happened. Ballocks! The lamp!

Patch hopped from his seat and jumped towards the fallen oil lamp to see a small fire beginning to feed on the wooden deck of the ship. Thinking quickly, he dashed towards his cot and lifted one of the plain white sheets covering it. He dove towards the fire making sure the entire blanket smothered it as to not catch fire itself.

One muffled flough later and the room was… still surprisingly well lit, actually. It was odd; that lamp was the only source of light in the room. A soft yellow glow eradiated from what seemed like his work desk.

The scroll! Patch clambered back up to investigate the source of the strange light. Just as he suspected, the yellow scratches on the paper seemed to be shining off the page it was written on, an obvious display of some sort of magic. While Patch wasn’t a unicorn, he assumed it was an elementary spell which a foal could achieve. Still, he didn’t quite bet his life on it. Luminescent text just didn’t seem like it could possibly be an advanced magic. He walked over to the parchment and mulled it over a second time.

Still illegible, just glowing, Patch noted annoyingly. He decided to keep the lights off, it was easier to read the strange markings that way. He got out a Bible (titled The Sun, The Princess, The Mare on the Moon) and began to compare the languages from the beginning of the book with the markings found on the parchment.

“I’m back!”

Vex instantly sensed something was wrong as she woke from her brief slumber. Without a second thought she immediately shot her eyes open, and noticed there was a whole lot of pink in front of her; more than there should be. The pink in front of her eventually formed into the face of a pony. She was finally able to identify it as Pinkie, wearing the same stupid grin only this time even more so impossibly wide. Vex wondered why she couldn’t move and why she felt so heavy, until she came to the daunting realization that Pinks was laying on fucking top of her.

“WHAT THE FUCK, PINKS! GET THE SHIT OFF OF ME!” Vex screamed in flustered confusion. Pinkie Pie, totally unaware why Vex lashed out, just sat there dumbfounded by the angry griffin’s reaction. Vex was finally able to gather enough of her bearings to wrap her talons around the pink menace’s throat and hurl her off of the bunk. To Pinkie’s dismay, she landed on her head on the way down, but luckily her cotton candy-esque hair provided ample cushioning. However, her hair sproinged back into its original state, launching the party pony towards the wall at an alarming rate. A fatal sounding crash resonated through what seemed like the entire ship. Vex just stared, speechless.

“I brought… the food… hehehehe,” Pinkie said, her eyes twirling and her head throbbing.

“Uhh… thanks.”

Patch’s head shot up at the sound of a hoof knocking on his door. Without hesitation he waved them in and said, “You’re welcome.”

Fluttershy shoved the door open and slowly walked towards the Captain’s desk, contemplating Patch’s odd phrase for allowing somebody in. As she got closer, Patch voiced an ah of satisfaction.

“Fu’Shy, just the one I wanted to see. Do you think you can make any sense of these markings? I’ve been comparing it to other languages for half an hour with little success. I thought I was getting close to Prussian, but if it was the parchment would only say one phrase, ‘root beer float’ , which I thought wasn’t very likely.”

Fluttershy gave a small chuckle as she stepped up to the Captain’s desk, and showed a nod of confirmation. Reaching out one of her hooves, she picked up the pap—


A huge shockwave of pure yellow energy shot forth from the scroll, knocking literally everything from Patch’s desk and flung everything that wasn’t nailed down to the walls, including Patch and Fluttershy. Fluttershy was thrown so violently that the door she made contact with splintered without any resistance what so ever. She went through three layers of fortified interior walls before slowing down to complete stop. Patch, on the other hand, was slammed right into the exterior wall behind him. It was designed to withstand cannon fire, so thankfully he didn’t go through it or else he would have been swallowing a whole lot more than air at the moment. Heads of the crew poked out of the sides of the holes in the wall to see just what the hell just happened. Fluttershy, groaning, slowly got up, and began to painfully trot towards Patch’s lifeless body.

“Captain… Aoooowwwwww…”

At Fluttershy’s voice, Patch flinched, and then slowly lifted himself off the ground. “Well,” he uttered, disgruntled. “I honestly should have expected that.”

“What I don’t get is why the motherfuckers even do that. I mean, it doesn’t really help them out, so what the shit?” Vex continued as she expressed her underlying hatred for politicians. Pinkie nodded, her mouth full of the baked beans that the cooks had provided her.

“I know what you mean, but I never really got into politics. Too grey and cynical.”

“Hehe, it certainly wouldn’t suit you.”

There was a few more seconds of silent chewing that began to make Pinkie feel uncomfortable. Eventually, Pinkie decided to ask the question that had been spinning in her head for the past hour. “Vex?” Pinkie asked, giving time for Vex to respond. Pinkie felt Vex nod in response.

“Have you ever considered getting—“ Pinkie was interrupted by the entire ship suddenly getting jerked to the right, followed by the sound of an explosion. Pinkie’s food flew off her chest and landed with a pathetic thud on the ground. Vex jumped at the sudden movement, her reflexes more acutely honed than Pinkie’s, and was able to catch her plate of beans before they flung off towards the ground. Pinkie stared at her fallen food with a dulled expression before deciding maybe asking Vex that question might be a bad idea. With a sigh, she added, “Nevermind.”

“What the hell just happened, Captain?!” Demanded Fluttershy as Patch propped a long piece of wood against the doorway in hopes of achieving privacy.

“You’re askin’ me like I should know,” Patch defended flatly. He stepped over to the paper that now glowed like a firefly orgy. It provided more than enough light for the entire room. “This is most interesting.”

“If it weren’t for the blunt force trauma, I gotta admit I’d be pretty interested too.”

Patch looked at the glowing parchment with caution, as to avoid another explosion, yet all uncertainty vanished immediately after discovering that much of the parchment was covered in even more fluorescent yellow writing—all in English. “What?! HOW?”

Fluttershy trotted over to where patch was standing and examined it herself. “Wow, that’s some tiny text.”

“But it was complete, absolute bullshit before that explosion!” He looked at Fluttershy with an expression one child might look at another child with if he stole his candy. Fluttershy gave a vigorous laugh before patting her hoof on him.

“Guess I have the magic touch, hehe.” Fluttershy bellowed with a smirk. Patch shot her a look of indignation before returning to the scroll.

This is just odd, he thought, carefully lifting the parchment. Never encountered anything like this before… and what made Fluttershy be able to reveal it. What is she, which I am not? Strange…

With that, he began to read aloud.

“If you’re reading this, it means that the elements have been found, and for that, we can rejoice, for our Princess of the Night is back.” Fluttershy’s face paled. Clearly, this was something of weight, and she had never told Patch of her title. She was afraid that she may now have to. “I am the Warrior of Light, handpicked by Celestia herself, but I’m afraid I’m not going to live up to my duties. So, I humbly task you six with one last assignment in order to…”

Patch swallowed. “…Save Equestria.” Patch gave Fluttershy a grim glance, who remained stern in response.

He continued. “We will be attacked at some point in the future, and this time will remain undisclosed until you gather all the scrolls and elements for the unlikely situation someone would use the situation to their advantage. But the storm is coming, and you must stop it. Look, I cannot tell you any more until you gather more of the elements. This information isn’t exactly meant for all eyes. Also, I know it is tempting, but do not seek aid from Celestia. I have lost her faith long ago, and I’m afraid she won’t take my word for it if you show her this letter. This is something that must be done by the elements themselves. Good luck, element. On the back you will find a map to a certain location; do everyone a favor and don’t go there yet, all you will find will be open water. However, below the map is a clue to the location of the next scroll. Decipher it to find my second message. I… no, Equestria is counting on you six.”

Patch and Fluttershy remained quiet, and just stood, soaking up the information. Patch was the first to speak. “HHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA!!!”

Fluttershy’s jaw hit the floor.

“Hehehe, man that is RICH!” Patch hooted in between fits of laughter. He crossed his eyes and made his voice three tones lower. “’Hurry elements, you’re my only hope!’” He mocked, having trouble breathing between all the giggling.

“Cap’n, this is serious!” Fluttershy hissed. Patch waved a dismissive hoof at her, his smile never fading.

“Yeah? We don’t even know what he meant by elements, and there’s no way we can trust some random dude that decided to write in yellow glowing magic marker.”

“He means the elements of harmony, dipshit,” Fluttershy deadpanned with malign. Patch recoiled, speechless. Fluttershy had never gotten that blatantly disrespectful in their entire time working together. Although it wasn’t as if he never heard of the elements of harmony, but he always assumed that they were all dead considering the world hadn’t been in any mortal danger in quite a while. “Look Patch,” And she just called Patch by his first name for the first time in years. Always she had called him Cap’n, except for a few short circumstances. “This is real trouble… I can feel it… We have to do something!”

“Look Fu’Shy, I can take in your friend, and I can take you breaking my rule considering your rank, but I can’t go on a fucking magic school bus adventure for something that might not be true and is an impossible feat!”

“Cap’n, you know in the back of your head that this is all true… stop denying the possibility.”

“Know your place, Fluttershy!” Patch yelled in retaliation. Fluttershy reeled back. It was pretty hard to get Patch angry, and even harder to make him say Fluttershy’s name properly. “We don’t even know where one element is, let alone six. Actually, we don’t even know who they are!”

“I do!” Fluttershy blurted out. Patch’s expression of anger instantly melted away. Fluttershy’s face became stern and determined. “I do. I am. Pinkie is.”


Fluttershy sighed. “Captain… I’m the element of kindness…”

The Captain’s eyes widened in bewilderment. “…Y-you?” Never had Patch described Fluttershy as kind. She was certainly in the best moral standing than the entire crew, but kindness wasn’t exactly the first word to come to mind. Maybe… merciful. Still…

Fluttershy nodded before adding, “And Pinkie is the element of laughter.”

“Your pink friend?” Patch asked. Fluttershy nodded once again.

Patch groaned and slammed his head into his desk. Fluttershy gave him an uneasy look at the odd behavior. He was still standing so it was a slightly uncomfortable looking position.

“I don’t know Fu’Shy…”

“Cap’n… You said that it’s our mission to oppress the opressers so that the victims may stand. We are gonna get a whole lot more victims if we don’t do this.”

“Fu’Shy… The letter hinted that it ain’t gonna happen for a while… it’s not our responsibility.”

“Neither was donating half of our loot. Or killing those slavers. Or keeping Vex.”

Patch shot up and stared at his yellow friend. She was caught in a smile she couldn’t wipe off. “It’s not our responsibility. It’s our duty.”

There was a long, thought filled silence, which led Patch to sigh. “Okay, fine, you win. We’ll ‘save the world’. But if something else arises this is not a priority. Understood?”

“Understood.” Fluttershy responded with a smile.

“Now, to find out where the second scroll is…” Patch said, newfound objective within him.

“Actually sir, it may be a better idea to find my friends first. That way we can fill them in while looking for the letters.”

“Well, do you know where they are?” Patch asked, stuffing the glowing parchment inside his desk. Conspicuously inconspicuous. No one would look in there for anything of value.

“Not really… Finding Pinkie Pie was actually a bit of a surprise… though the last I heard of Rarity was in Canterlot. I bet she knows where the others are.”

“To Canterlot we go then,” Patch said in stride as he walked out of the used-to-be-door, a smile on his face.

“So… You’re the new recruit?”

“Yes, sir, mistah!” The small mare saluted enthusiastically. Pipsqueak looked down at the personelle files between his hooves. Slowly, he read the description. Age: 20. Occupation prior to enlisting: Carpenter.

Pipsqueak snuck a glance towards the red-head’s cutie mark. A hammer and three nails. Hometown: Ponyville. Residence: Sweet Apple Acres.

Name: Applebloom

“You’re part of the Apple family, correct?” Pipsqueak asked, mulling over the yellow earth pony with a pink bow in her mane.

“Uh, yeah. How did ya know, mistah?” she asked, giving him an aside glance.

“Your sister has made quite a name for herself in the military. That’s why you joined, is it not?”

“Mhmm,” Applebloom confirmed, giving a nod.

“Also, Scootaloo has told me quite a bit of your adventures as fillies.”

“No way, Scootaloo’s ahn this ship?” Applebloom asked in utter disbelief. She was new on this ship, but she would have noticed Scootaloo from a mile away.

“Yea, and she’s my first mate as well,” Pipsqueak added.

“Really?” Applebloom aasked, confused. “I thought she didn’t swing that way…”

Pipsqueak had to really try to contain his laughter to a small chuckle. “No, lass, that means she’s second in command.”

“Oh,” Applebloom squeaked as her face started to burn red.

“So, tell me about your skills, lass. What could you do on this ship of mine?”

Applebloom put a proud hoof to her chest as she recounted what she had said to a million other customers before. “Ah’m an Equestrian renowned and skilled carpenter that has had tuhns o’ experience with the handling an’ planning of houses, boats, forts, an’ castles. If this ship evah got intuh bad shape, you can expect me t’ fix it right up as long as Ah got a small able-bodied crew and enough supplies.”

Pipsqueak put a hoof to his chin and examined the yellow pony once more. Resolutely, he smiled and said, “Alright, then, welcome to the crew. You’ll find your room in the private quarters in Deck two; Room one-seventy.”

Applebloom looked unsure. “That easy?”

“Well we’re about to battle a small group of pirates just outside of Port Corral. We might need someone like you. Plus, your Scoot’s friend; no way I’m gonna turn down a friend by association, lass.”

Applebloom turned pale and made an audible gulp. “P-pirates?”

Pipsqueak scoffed and put his hooves behind his head. “Ah, don’t worry lass. It’s only one ship. We should be able to handle it no problem. No go on, I’ll tell Scoots where you are, I’m sure she’d love to see you.”

“Aye-aye, sir!” Applebloom yelled, then ran off.

“So, there any other griffins other than you?” Pinkie asked, staring at the bunk above heer blankly as she covered herself in the sheets. Vex and Pinkie Pie had just been talking for the past hour or so, eating up as much time as they could.

“On this ship? Not really. Unless ya count Klepto. Though he rarely comes out of the lower docks; he’s on stowaway duty.”

“Have you ever thought of… you know, egg making?” Pinkie Pie said suggestively as she raised her eyebrows (even though Vex couldn’t see her.)

“…No, I haven’t,” Vex said after a long pause. “Not that he’s ugly, it’s just… well it’s complicated.”

“Are you…?” Pinkie Pie asked, unsure of the delicacy of the situation.

“Sorta,” Vex cut her off, getting the implied question. “I enjoy both the barrel and the musket of the gun, if you know what I mean.” Pinkie Pie blinked. That was a strange euphemism. Still, she was glad she wasn’t the only bisexual on the ship. “But that’s not why… I’m just not interested.”

“You mean, like in relationships?” Pinkie asked, baffled. That seemed to fit Vex’s personality, but…

“Well, no. I’m a virgin and sex doesn’t seem like such a bad thing,” Vex put bluntly. Pinkie Pie nearly choked on the air she was breathing. “But for me, it’s not that simple.” Pinkie Pie took a few deep breaths.

“Then what do you mean?” She finally found the nerve to ask.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” And with that, the two resolved to sleep.

*Quotes are usually taken from my friends in real life, but this one was taken from a prereader who rejected my story. I ain’t sore, it was just too hilarious not to put up. Don’t worry, this story will stay as deliciously vulgar as I want it to be.