• Published 7th Mar 2012
  • 1,938 Views, 64 Comments

Pirates of Equestria - Lastingimage24

A battle between holy evil and blind truths takes place in the once utopian society that is Equestria. Six elements, two captains, and four Immortals struggle to clear the now blurred line between right and wrong.

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Idle Frowns

"It's impossible to have a completely unbiased opinion... Unless you live under a rock or somethin'."

Chapter 2






“You’re embarrassing m-“



“…Oooohhh….” Pinkie sighed. “You know, Flutteryell, you don’t have to be so unpleasant.”

“Pinkie, look: I have authority here. Guess what you’re doing by acting like a tool? Yep, you’re UNDERMINING MY AUTHORITY.”

“What authority? You’re just a pirate grunt.”

Before Fluttershy got the time to toss Pinkie off the boat in rage, a stallion crept up to Pinkie’s ear. “Actually, until I got on board, she has the most authority.” Pinkie jumped back, startled. Fluttershy noticed who the stallion was instantly and quickly straightened up her posture. She gave a little salute and fixed her disheveled mane.

“Welcome back, Cap’n Patch!” Fluttershy greeted. Pinkie eyed Fluttershy’s position, and copied it exactly.

“At ease, soldiers,” Patch began. He took a glance at Pinkie Pie, and corrected himself. “Er, uh, soldier and pink pony.” Fluttershy eased up her tension but Pinkie Pie remained stationary. Slowly, Patch circled around Pinkie Pie and inspected her.

Captain Peg-Patch was a handsome navy blue pony with unkempt raven-black hair. He had it cut with his scimitar about a week ago, so it wasn’t as long as it usually was, however it didn't distract from the fact that it was messy and pretty dirty. His cutie mark boasted what his name suggested: a peg leg and an eye patch. Despite the name, he didn’t really have a peg leg or an eye patch, but he did joke that he was destined to lose an eye and a leg. Fluttershy was the only one who took that seriously. “Who is this woman?” he finally inquired.

“This is Pinkamena Diane Pie. She was outside a bar where she was almost raped and killed. I was able to knock out two of her attackers but unfortunately the last was too strong for me. I stabbed him in the abdomen. There’s a small chance he could have survived, but it’s very unlikely,” Fluttershy reported.

Patch frowned and tsked at Fluttershy who looked away from his glare .in shame “Fu’Shy, you know the rules: for the amount of kills you have, you need to save the same amount of ponies plus one,” Patch scolded. “Unless the pony you’re saving is a key target, in which any method may be taken.”

“That’s the thing Cap’n, Miss Pie is a key target,” Fluttershy clarified. Pinkie beamed.

“Explain,” Patch monotoned while putting a hoof to his chin.

Aw crap, I haven’t thought this through, she thought. I guess I could say she’s the element of laughter, but I haven’t even told him that I’m kindness… Fluttershy glanced at Pinkie Pie. He would accept her if I say she’s my friend, Fluttershy deduced.

Pinkie noticed Fluttershy was eyeing her, which made her grin wildly in response. On second thought, she’s already embarrassed me enough, Fluttershy thought with malign.

Fluttersigh. “She’s… I’m personally affiliated with her.”

“Ah," The captain breathed. He raised his eyebrows in implication. "Lover?”

“C-Cap’n!” Fluttershy stammered, heat rising to her cheeks. Pinkie giggled.

“Kidding. Now who is she really?”

“She’s my… friend.” Fluttershy sighed, defeated.

“There. Now say what you really mean next time.” He patted Pinkie Pie on the head while keeping a scolding eye on Fluttershy. “You shouldn’t be ashamed of your friends.”

“Yes sir,” she replied humbly. “I was wondering, Cap’n, can Pinkie Pie come aboard the ship?”

“Mm, depends by what you mean by ‘coming’.”

Pinkie couldn’t help herself; she fell on the floor with her hooves cradling herself, laughing hysterically. Man, I like this guy, she thought between fits of laughter.

“Cap’n. CAN. SHE. JOIN. THE. CREW.” Fluttershy didn’t say it angrily, but was saying it carefully as to not introduce another innuendo.

“Mm…” Patch Mm’d. He began to inspect the bouncing pony from top to bottom. “Let’s see... physically average, minutely slender, somewhat flexible, fairly attractive…”

Pinkie noticed that Fluttershy kind of… flinched when Patch mentioned attractive.

“She has a pretty severe case of alcohol addiction.”



Man, I really want some muffins right now.

“How’d… how’d you know?” Pinkie stuttered, unable to see how it would've been plausible.

“Because you just told us Miss Pie.” Patch deadpanned.

Pinkie pie scoffed before turning to Fluttershy. “’Shy, I can-“

Fluttershy raised a hoof to interrupt her. “Later,” she said softly, whilst giving Pinkie a forgiving smile.

“Look, my point is that Miss Pie is incredibly average. I don’t see how she’ll be of any help in any way.” Patch turned to leave, but Fluttershy stopped him with her hoof. Before letting Fluttershy speak, he began to raise his voice. “Look Fu’Shy, I can’t just let anyone on this ship! This mare doesn’t even look like she takes anything seriously, let alone the fact that she does not look like to be efficient in any way.”

Instead of retaliating, Fluttershy smiled snidely. She stretched out a presenting hoof at Pinkie Pie, who beamed. Patch shook his head quizzically. Smugly, she addressed Pinkie. “Hey Pinkie, go climb that big mast over there to the tippy-top.”

“Okie doki loki!” Like a snail, Pinkie slowly trudged towards the appointed mast. Patch just turned to look at Fluttershy in absolute bewilderment.

“Look at her now,” Fluttershy said complacently. Patch rolled his eyes and faced the direction where Pinkie was standing… only to have his jaw drop at the fact that she wasn’t there anymore.

“Where’d she…?” he began to ask.

Fluttershy nudged Captain Patch and pointed up, towards the masts. Patch looked up to see a tiny pink dot at the very top of one of them. His jaw nearly fell out of his skull.

“So," Fluttershy smiled.

Patch faced Fluttershy again with a blatant look of shock on his face. He quickly contorted it into a hard scowl, which made Fluttershy grin even harder.

“She shares a room with Vex,” he proclaimed flatly, and with that, he walked off.

“Poor Vex.” Fluttershy jested.

“Sweet, I get to share a room with Vex!” Pinkie cheered in Fluttershy’s ear.

“Set sail!” Captain Pipsqueak yelled at the top of his lungs.

“SET SAIL!” Sootaloo repeated.

“Raise the anchors!”


“Man your posts!”


“Scootaloo is a hollering idiot!”

Scootaloo froze, realizing what she almost called herself. Scootaloo slammed her hoof in her friend’s chest, who just winced and laughed in response.

“C’mon, crew. To Port Corral!”

“C’mon, crew. Let’s blow Port Corral!” Patch barked enthusiastically.

Fluttershy nudged Patch and winked before saying, “Shouldn’t you buy the guy dinner first?”

“In this place? Are you kidding me? There are pink drunks, groups of rapists, and mosquitos,” Patch joked. “Let’s get the hell out here!” Fluttershy and Patch shared a hearty chuckle before quieting down in anticipation of the boat being prepared. After a bit Patch glanced towards Fluttershy to the right of him, who was staring straight ahead out to sea. How can she sit so still like that? Looks so peaceful… “Fu’Shy?"

"Yes, Sir?"

"What the hell were you doing out there anyways? What is it that you get every time we stop at a city?”

Fluttershy laughed as if he just asked her to stab herself and pour hot sauce on the wound. She didn't actually dignify the question with a response.

“Heh, thought so. I knew you couldn’t live without your porn.”

Fluttershy laughed and retorted, “Nice try, Cap’n.”

“Damn. You ever gonna tell me where you disappear to?”

“Maybe someday, Sir. Maybe someday.

Pinkie Pie walked down the crowded halls of the innards of the ship, wondering and day dreaming about her new roomie apparently named Vex. Fluttershy had explained to her that, while each room usually houses four to five crew mates, Vex was a special case and had a room all to herself. The living quarters were nicer than Pinkie had suspected, from what she had expected from a pirate ship at least. They were even numbered. She counted the rooms down the hall, looking for her bunk, room 115.

108, 109, 110… almost there… Her eyes swelled up in anticipation with each passing room, waiting for her magic room number. Right then, a terribly loud ringing noise resonated in Pinkie’s head which threw her a little off balance. It was the second time that day. She had to catch herself using a passing pony as leverage. After apologizing to the guy (who was quite flustered by the incident), Pinkie wondered what was going on her noggin that was making that ringing noise every so often.

“What the fuck!” A voice called from the room in front of her. A number of pirates ran in the opposite direction where the voice was coming from. That can’t be good.

“You know I fucking hate everypony here, if you pair me up with someone I’m gonna fucking murder them, Flutterbitch!” Fluttershy?! I have to help her!

Pinkie ran down the now empty hall to the room where the voices were coming from. To her distress, the voices came from room 115, her room. That means Vex, her new roommate, was the one yelling. Pinkie hopped and slid across the room and expertly positioned herself in front of the door. What she saw wasn't at all what she expected. Instead of two ponies, swords drawn and insults brazen, she got a pony and a small griffon with claws held at a disturbingly calm Fluttershy’s throat. As Pinkie watched the scene before her, one thing occurred to Pinkie Pie. That griffin is beautiful! The griffin had faded purple-tipped feathers that strung down in a graceful manner. Her eyes were a pleasant neon green color, and the anger in them made them even more alluring. Her chest stuck out in a most impressive display of strength and grace, and her eyelashes were long and pointed. Pinkie really couldn't stop looking at her.

Man, I really need to get laid. It didn't strike Pinkie as strange that she was attracted to a griffin, as this wasn't the first time she had looked at a griffin in that way. In fact, Pinkie found she was attracted to anything that was sentient, for whatever reason. It was just something she decided to live with, rather than try to fix.

“Look, Vex, I understand your resentment, but Miss Pie only became a pirate five minutes ago, and only because she’s my friend,” Fluttershy stated as-a-manner-of-factly. Oddly, the griffin eased up at this. “This is also a direct order from Patch himself. If he trusts her with you, he can trust you with her.” The griffin sighed in defeat.

“A’ight, A’ight… but remember: if this girl gets on my nerves…” She held up her sharp talons centimeters away from Fluttershy's eyes. “I’m an omnivore.”

“Don’t worry,” Fluttershy reassured. “I’m sure Pinkie is as well.”

Pinkie decided now was the time to speak up. “HAI GURLS!” she yelled, generating a flinch from Vex and an unperturbed Fluttershy.

“Speak of the devil…” Fluttershy remarked whilst slowly backing away from the feathered fiend.

“You must be Vex!” Pinkie shouted in glee. She tried to make it look not obvious that she was trying to break the tension. “Nice meeting you,” she added while offering her hoof. Vex answered the offer with a sarcastic presentation of her not-shakable-with-hooves talon and an annoyed glower. Pinkie smiled awkwardly and rubbed her chest with her previously offered hoof. Suddenly, Pinkie wore a grimace which legitimately made Vex feel uneasy. “I don’t appreciate you being a meanie to my friend.”

Fluttershy interjected her foreleg into the conversation, keeping Pinkie from doing anything stupid that might kill her. “It’s quite alright, Pinkie. Vex’s anger is… reasonable. In fact, she and I are generally on good terms, but on the surface my order sounds irrational after what she's been through.” Fluttershy turned to Vex sternly and said, “However, I can assure her it’s not.”

“Tch,” Vex spat before rolling her eyes and climbing back up on her bunk. Pinkie began to bounce over at the bottom bunk, but Fluttershy stepped in front of her.

“Wait, Pinkie. Come with me.” Fluttershy said grimly. Fluttershy walked out of the room and motioned Pinkie Pie to follow. Pinkie pie made a barely audible gulp of apprehension before following Fluttershy out the room.

“Why?” she asked distantly while closing the door. Pinkie cocked her head quizzically. Fluttershy elaborated. “You said you had an alcohol addiction.”

Oh. That. Pinkie Pie kicked the ground a couple of times, her face laden with shame. Suddenly, her ears started ringing violently again, but it went as quick as it came. Ignoring it, she slowly began to explain. “I… had a bakery shop in the middle of Port Corral. It was doing pretty good. I had regular customers, tons of bits, and good lawyers. It was all well and good until a bar down the street started having financial problems because the owner had died and his son was still a couple years underage. I happily offered to run the bar for him while he came of age. He and I were quite good friends, after all. I started… sampling the drinks in the slow hours. Nothing too extreme, just one or two mugs of standard ale. When the boy finally became old enough, he took over just as planned.” Pinkie pie stopped briefly and lit up a little, indicating there was a part of the story she forgot. Fluttershy leaned in curiously. “The colt’s name was Parsley Thyme, by the way.” Fluttershy deflated in aggravation. Pinkie continued. “Since I had more time because I was only taking care of one shop, my shop, I visited the bar a lot more often. It came to the point where I was too drunk too often to take care of bakery. Eventually I went bankrupt.”

Fluttershy gasped. “You mean that stupid bartender didn’t help you out?”

Pinkie Pie laughed. “Parsley? He can’t bake! And you’re wrong, he did help, but if he poured any more money into my shop than he already had, he would’ve gone out of business himself.” She waved a hoof in excuse. “But the point is, after my shop closed down, I still wanted alcohol. Guess where I went?” Pinkie Pie didn’t wait for Fluttershy to respond. “After a year of getting around fifteen free drinks a day, he finally put his hoof down. I went around town to see if anyone would buy me a drink, but to no avail. I went back to Parsley’s bar one last time, and well… here I am.”

Fluttershy sighed in sorrow. “Geez… what happened to us Pinkie Pie?”

Pinkie Pie perked up, eager to give her friend a pep talk. “Hey, I just made some stupid decisions, and you wanted to help people. No harm done, right?”

Fluttershy’s frown remained static as she shook her head. “That’s not what I meant.” Pinkie looked befuddled. “I meant us! Not just you and I, but all of our friends! Rarity, Dash, Twilight, Applejack… You… Me. When did it all fall apart?” Pinkie Pie opened her mouth to start comforting her friend, but no words came out. Pinkie Pie had wondered that herself. Suddenly an idea came to her.

“I dunno, ‘Shy, but don’t worry, we can fix it! Sure we don’t have the others anymore, and now we've changed so much... but let’s promise to never abandon each other ever again, as long as we both shall live!” Pinkie cheered. Fluttershy smiled. Not that smile that she had given Pinkie when she first saved her. Not that insinuating, malicious smile filled with sin and malevolence, but that innocent and pure smile filled with happiness that Pinkie Pie and her friends had once known before fate had taken over their lives.

A smile of hope.

“So…Uh… Can I have some rum?”

Fluttershy stared daggers into Pinkie Pie while simultaneously slapping the back of Pinkie’s head lightly.

“Hey,” Pinkie whined. “I was just kidd…” Pinkie’s expression relaxed and blanked abruptly. The life in her eye rapidly diminished as the pupils enveloped more and more of her eyes. All she could hear was that deafening ringing that kept chiming in the back of her head.

Fluttershy looked at Pinkie troublingly. Slowly, she asked, “Pinkie? Are you alright?”

“I think I have a concussion,” she deadpanned, before tilting like a tree and hitting the floor with a muffled thud.

“Pinkdnf Fie, camf yough feer mhe?” Pinkie struggled to lift her eyelids. The image her brain received was blurry and distorted, and the only thing she could hear was a muffled voice that vaguely sounded that they came from a sentient being. Slowly, her hearing cleared up, and the words were better filtered by her aching brain.

“Pinkie Pie, can you hear me? Perhaps she needs some tea.” That voice. That peculiar foreign voice, coupled by a strange rhyming pattern…

Zecora! Pinkie shot up, and met the zebra’s muzzle with her own. An action that Pinkie Pie would have loved doing any other day, but under these circumstances it was quite painful. Zecora recoiled from the shock (and pain), and Pinkie’s head snapped back to the medical cot she was lying on with a painful thwak.

“Aaaaaooooowwwwwwww…” Pinkie groaned as she cradled the back of her mane in an attempt to comfort her throbbing head. Zecora had trotted to the other side of the room, and was pinching a bleeding nose with a blue towel. However, Zecora didn’t look angry in the slightest, not even a bit annoyed, but she did have a hint of concern in her voice as she spoke to the pink pony.

“Hit your head like that again, Pinkie Pie, and you just might end up making yourself die.”

Pinkie ignored her pain for a moment and snapped her head to the left where the old Zebra was standing. “Zecora!” she exclaimed in joy. Pinkie jumped off cot she was lying on and zoomed towards the zebra with a loving embrace. “Zecora, Zecora, Zecora!”

Zecora laughed with that thick zebra accent Pinkie loved. “I’ve missed you as well. Though I wish our reunion didn’t involve seeing you after you fell.” Pinkie looked at Zecora with a puzzled stare, in which Zecora smiled and replied with a flat “Rapist-induced concussion.”

“Ah.” Pinkie ah’d.

Zecora’s expression fell into a state of concern. “I was worried a ton.”

“I don’t feel that bad,” Pinkie admitted, to which Zecora smiled.

“It’s amazing what herbs can do. They can cure sickness, infections, and concussions too!” The rhyme made Pinkie giggle as she broke the hug softly.

“What are you doing here?” Pinkie asked as she took a couple of steps back from the alchemist.

“I joined the pirates shortly before Fluttershy, the rules I found easy to abide by.”

“But… why?” Pinkie asked further.

“It is hard to find honest work for an alchemist such as myself, and pirates have anything but good health.” Zecora stepped over to some pots and pans with its contents boiling. “They are also never short of any wealth. It pays the bills. Pinkie, hoof me that sage on the shelf?

Pinkie trotted over to the appointed sage and tossed it to her favorite zebra. “Fluttershy knows you’re on the ship, right?”

“Of course I know,” Fluttershy called from the door of the sick bay. Pinkie turned to see her friend, Fluttershy, striking a pose in the frame of the door. Her hooves were crossed and her eyebrows were furrowed; she was leaning on the right side of the frame, back against it. She had this smirk that had an aura of complete badassery which would have made Buck Norris bow down in shame that he couldn’t be as completely awesome that Fluttershy was at that exact moment. “I was going to tell you before you went and passed out.”

“Hehe, whoops.”

“Captain, we’ve spotted an unmarked ship off the port bow!”

“What?! Hand me that periscope, private!” The captain of the S.S. HoofShallow snatched the looking device from the inexperienced private, who flinched in fear of being struck.The Captain saw what he feared: that infamous black flag. “Mother of Celestia… DEFENSIVE POSTS!”