• Published 7th Mar 2012
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Pirates of Equestria - Lastingimage24



A battle between holy evil and blind truths takes place in the once utopian society that is Equestria. Six elements, two captains, and four Immortals struggle to clear the now blurred line between right and wrong.

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Interlude 1: Shattered Days and Broken Nights

“THE BRITISH ARE COMING, THE BRITISH ARE COMING… well, they at least have the souls of the British.”

Interlude 1

Hoofinghamm stood absolutely still. Celestia had requested audience of him, which was something that happened regularly. And every time he would stand directly in front of the door for a good minute or so, reach his hoof up, and give three vigorous taps on the door, taps which could be heard throughout the entire castle. It was pretty routine, given his status. Yes, he was the Day Watch Captain.

Even though his occupation had the title “Day Watch”, it was a twenty-four hour guard service for Princess Celestia, as the Night Watch was a twenty-four hour guard service for Princess Luna. The two factions never got along very well, even though the sister Princesses did. It was almost second nature for the protectors of the Night to be very… rambunctious and loud, as it was second nature for the guards of the Sun to be incredibly uptight and somewhat boring. The only thing that Hoofinghamm hated more than the Night Watch was the Night Watch Captain himself. Well, he had never met him, but the way that the Night Watch acted clearly showed negligence of their leader, and that disgusted Captain Hoofinghamm.

Tap, tap, tap

“You may enter,” he heard the regal voice of Princess Celestia say on the other side. Hoofinghamm straightened his wings, and with his golden horseshoes and helmet, he walked inside.

“Good afternoon, Your Highness.”

“Watch Captain Hoofinghamm, nice to see you,” the Princess replied with a smile.

Hoofinghamm kept a straight face as he said, “Likewise.”

“Gjero,” the Princess began. The mention of his first name made the Day Watch Captain shift uncomfortably; he always did whenever anyone tried to maintain a level of formality with him, especially somebody of importance. Plus, his name sounded so cliché, as it was pronounced as ‘Hero’. “I have a very special assignment for you,” She said. At that, his face somehow became even sterner as he leaned in closer to the Princess’ throne. Of all his years serving, she had never started a conversation like this.

“I need you to take a vacation.”

Hoofinghamm exhaled an incredibly deep, exasperated breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. He immediately straightened himself out as he realized how rude it looked to the Princess. She began to chuckle. “Don’t worry, there’s a point to this.” Suddenly, her face darkened, and her voice became grim. “I need you protect a very valuable parchment, a letter written by a very important pony.”

Gjero gave a fierce nod. “Do not be fooled by its simplicity,” the Princess ordered and pulled out what looked like a simple parchment. “Go ahead and look at it.”

“It’s blank,” Gjero stated as he unrolled the scroll.

The Princess nodded sincerely. “Yes, as it appears that way, but it is actually written with invisible letters that only few can see. It contains incredibly valuable information that cannot be known by the public.”

“If that’s the case, why don’t you just burn it?” Hoofinghamm asked, although it was toned in such a way that gave the utmost respect for the Princess of the Sun.

“I said valuable, not dangerous or evil.”

Gjero gave the Princess an odd look. She explained, “I would trust a group of foals with this information, but some ponies might feel threatened by it, and some would even go so far as to destroy it.”

“Forgive me Princess, I still don’t understand. You do know what’s written in here… don’t you?”

The Princess hung her head. Gjero apologized. “Unfortunately, I am not one of those select few who can see the content of these scrolls. The author of these letters feels that I cannot trust him… and I fear he may be right.” The Princess’ face became slightly aggressive, something that happened often when she spoke about something of weight, which in turn didn’t happen very often. “Still the threat is undeniable, and something must be done.”

“If this scroll is so valuable, why am I the only one guarding it?” Gjero asked, genuinely confused. “Not to question your judgment, but wouldn’t a group of heavily armed men be more fitting?”

“Not quite,” the Princess admitted. “Not many people know about this scroll, and if I built a fortress with a plethora of guards around it, somebody might take that as a little conspicuous. The people that do know about this would instantly see where it was being defended, and would somehow find a way to slip through their defenses.”

Okay, Hoofinghamm saw the logic in that. “However, no one would expect me to give the duty to only two ponies, and it would hardly be possible to be obtained via an espionage mission considering it’s going to be on your person at all times. It’s strategically better this way,” the Princess clarified. Hoofinghamm had only heard one group of words in all of that exposition.

“Two ponies?” he voiced his concern. The Princess chuckled.

“Yes, you will be receiving some help on this task. She will be the decoy on this mission. It will be slightly more obvious she has the scroll, when in reality you do.”

“She?” He asked again, even more baffled than before. Celestia only smiled in response.

“Here she is now.”

On cue, a dark grey pony with dull purple hair and fluorescent yellow eyes trotted with a saucy sway into the room. Gjero noticed that her pupil was like a snake’s, long and vertical, a side effect of Luna’s guard spell which are given to all of the Night watch ponies. Luna also gives them bat wings which are stronger but less aerodynamic than pegasus wings, but only the pegasi received those. A horn protruded out of her dark helmet, and her breastplate- with a dark purple reptilian eye symbol in the center- clacked with every step. Her appearance was simply… sloppy. Clearly she must be some sort of rook recruit, Gjero thought with a sigh.

“Loony filled me in, so who’s this sexy girl I’m workin’ with, P.C.?”

WHAT! What did she just say to the Princess!? Gjero was about to tackle this girl and shove her face the floor before he came to a depressing realization. This is the mare I’m working with!

“Good evening, Captain Datzkowitz. He is standing right there,” Celestia said as she pointed to a bewildered Hoofinghamm

Did Celestia just call her captain? Why would she do that, she’s just- Gjero’s thoughts frozed as his brain clicked in a daunting realization. “You’re the Night Watch Captain?!” Gjero blurted out without thinking. Datzkowitz frowned at the offensive comment before turning to Celestia.

“Wait, I didn’t agree to no co-ed! My boat sails on calm seas, P.C., an’ this gonna get real awkward real fast,” Datzkowitz complained. Celestia just laughed.

“I assure you, Gjero Hoofinghamm here is the most respectful pony I know; he’ll be an absolute gentlecolt. He will not try anything dirty or dishonest, or my name is not Celestia,” the Princess reassured. Datzkowitz didn’t seem very convinced. “Please, Vera, I’m asking for your cooperation here; this is really important.”

Gjero blinked. He glanced at his new partner. Vera...

Vera stuck out her tongue and sighed. “Okay…”

Celestia smiled once more and handed Hoofinghamm some papers with her magic. “Here,” she said. “This is paperwork for a small building located at the outskirts of Canterlot, expenses such as lodging will be provided free of charge. Remember, you will still be technically on duty, so no fooling around during work hours. The building itself will have another decoy inside it just in case. I’m counting on you two.”

Hoofinghamm gave a stiff, stern salute, shouting “Yes, ma’am.”

Datzkowitz, however, gave two loose to beats to her chest with her hoof, kissed it, and stuck it out in a friendly point. She could almost hear her new partner roll his eyes.

Both Watch Captains trotted outside, ready for their new mission. As they left, Luna came from behind one of the hallways, shaking her head disapprovingly. “Really?” she asked. “’No fooling around’? That doesn’t sound like the Tia I know.” Her expression bore accusation. “This is just a vacation for the boy, isn’t it?”

Celestia chuckled sheepishly as she rubbed the back of her mane. “While the assignment I gave them is really important, I’m not really too worried about it. No one knows where they are, and only a very select few would actually desire it, and even less would want to destroy it. So yes, I have decided long ago that Hoofinghamm is much too stuck up for his age. He’s only thirty-three. Until now, I did not know how to go about it, or if I should even meddle at all.” Celestia looked at her golden-covered hooves. “But he really needs to live his life… and I hope Vera can teach him that, if the vacation fails.”

Luna gave a hearty, regal-sounding (even when compared to Celestia’s) laugh. “Thou meanest ‘when’ the vacation fails, Sister. Funny thing is, I suggested thy give Vera as Gjero’s partner because she really needs to learn how to take responsibility for her duties. She slacks off way too much. Not that I care, really, but I’m worried her personal life beyond duties may suffer because of this.”

“I understand, Little Luna,” Celestia assured. She raised a brow at her sister. “Your speech is getting better.”

“Thanks.”

“…Sooo,” Celestia so’d suggestively. Luna’s face instantly dulled at the snarky implications.

What?” Luna spat.

“How’s Captain Pipsqueak?”

Luna had prepared herself for the worst, yet the mention of the young captain’s name made her face flush in involuntary and unexplainable embarrassment. “He’s good,” She said, looking in another direction. Celestia had to hold back falling on her back in laughter. “They still haven’t found those rogues you mentioned, sister, but the nearing Port Corral. It’s possible they’ve missed each other.” Luna really wanted to change the subject, her mind got so inexplicably foggy and flustered whenever mention of Captain Squeak came up, and she absolutely hated it. Unless she was alone, then it offered peace in stressful times, for some odd reason that the princess couldn’t pinpoint. In an attempt to get out of the current situation, she said something that she immediately regretted. “Thanks for showing me that spell for instant communication. Squeak’s hawk friend is a perfect inbox.”

“Hehe,” Celestia chortled lewdly. “Have some late night sessions with Squeak, now?

“Blfeouw!” Luna shouted in defence... or she tried to shout in defence, but that mess of a word came out instead

“Your words say all,” Celestia said satirically. Luna face hoofed. Luna then tried to retaliate, but was interrupted by the door being flung open.

“Princess, the S.S. HoofShallow has been pillaged! They lost the cargo to pirates!” A guard pony yelled as he raced into the room.

Celestia instantly got on all four hooves at this, shocked to hear. “What? Impossible!”

“I’m afraid it’s true your highness, everything has been taken!”

“Damn!” Celestia cursed as she threw a hoof down. The Day Watch guard jumped back nearly a foot, terrified to see the princess use such language. “I want that chest found, that cargo is worth more than this entire kingdom! Kill whoever took it, and then bring it to me!”

“Y-yes ma’am!” the guard replied with a salute.

“I’m going to look as well,” Celestia said while taking two steps towards the door. Suddenly, she winced in pain and grabbed her chest with a hoof, and let out a strenuous groan. Luna lifted her hoof in her sister’s path.

“No, Tia. You’re still hurt. That blow would’ve normally killed anypony, even an alicorn. You’re lucky to be alive.”

Celestia scoffed, her frustration growing. “This is ridiculous, this wound happened eight years ago, I should be healed by now.”

“You’re lucky you can still speak; that stab took out your left lung,” Luna said with a wag of her hoof. Luna had to admit she kinda had fun with this, Celestia was always the one to give her motherly lectures.

“Whatever... I hope that whoever these pirates are, they don’t destroy that scroll...” Celestia looked out to her sun that was still high in the sky and sighed. “For all our sakes.”


Hoofinghamm walked next to his reluctant new partner with careful and orderly strides, careful to keep his demeanor acceptable for even a princess. Captain Datzkowitz, however, took lazy and sloppy strides; her legs flailed in the air as she walked, and her relaxed shoulders barely held the cuirass she was wearing. It was altogether exasperating for the Day Watch Captain.

"Whattya think the princesses set us up with, man?" Vera asked as she put a lesiurely hoof on her partners shoulder. Hoofinghamm felt a sudden urge to grab that hoof and toss the pony attached to it into the nearest trash bin.

When Gjero didn't answer, Vera followed up her question awkwardly. "Like, ya think it's gonna have a pool?" she asked. "Maybe a mini fridge in the bedrooms?" Vera paused to allow Gjero to answer, but he never did. She waved a hoof in front of his face. "Bro, you all there? Hello?"

Gjero continued his slow but consistant pace, staring straight ahead, completely ignoring the spastic pony in front of him. She finally gave up with an annoyed scoff and uttered one last word. "Dick."

Gjero nearly tripped up at the sudden insulting sentiment, and thought over his actions. after a few moments of thinking, he decided to be the bigger person and tell her why he had completely ignored her. "You are not supposed to speak while on duty unless giving an order, informing a citizen of a crisis, or disciplining a recruit. We are in no such scenario."

"Doesn't stop you from being a dick," Vera said whilst sticking her tongue at him. Gjero had to really try to hold in that sigh. He didn't think he'd be able to stand being next to this girl for another second, let alone...

Wait a second! Celestia never told me how long this is going to last! It could be months, even years... Gjero began to feel faint. Surly the princess couldn't be that cruel, she was a reasonable pony, it was probably going to last just a couple of weeks, maybe even days.

As if she were personally trying to thwart his hopes, Vera began whistling incredibly loudly, enough to drive a bird to suicide. Gjero's straight face contradicted the burning turmoil he felt inside. Even if it was just a couple of days, she's going to drive me mad before then.


"You've got to be joking."

Gjero, unfortunately, had to express his disapproval at the small complex in front of him. He had expected nothing less than two small shacks with uncomfortable beds and dirty night stands, but the building before him was a polar opposite of that. Although it wasn't very large, only big enough to house two adult ponies, it was as extravagant as Canterlot's castles. There was gilded windows and a polished wood doorway with freshly added white paint over the exterior walls. It wasn't royalty, but it was definitely high class.

"Ooh, pretty," Vera said in awe. she quickly changed demeanor once she realized a fatal flaw. "But... it's a little small, don't you think?"

That one complaint triggered some sort of reflex within Gjero, and he instantly jumped on The slight chance that Vera couldn't handle it. A sort of payback, in a way. "It'll manage," he grumbled then raced to the small house. Vera quickly followed.

As the two ponies opened the door to the building, one thing became blatantly clear. It was small. The main room they had walked into contained a small bookcase in the right of them, and perpindicular to that was a kitchen holding a microwave, a stove, and an oven. it took a couple seconds for Gjero to realized that the Microwave was sitting on the stove, which only contained one heater. There were two large chairs next to the 'library', presumably for adding comfort while reading. A small decorative desk occupied the left side of the room along with a few parchments and a quill, along with the ink. An expensive looking coffee table also sat I between the two chairs. That was about it. It was nice, but small. It looked like a home for a stallion that lived by himself and was seldom ever home, except to sleep.

Vera gave the room an incredulous stare. "Cozy," she said, sarcasm seeping from her voice.

"This is way over the top."

Vera choked on nothing in particular and gave Gjero a skeptic look. "Ya serious dude? This is like the forever alone cabin, and in case you hadn't noticed there's two of us."

"Oh no..." Gjero said while looking at something at the other side of the shack.

"See? We can't live here, it's totally cramped."

"No, that's not it. Captain Datzkowitz, there is only one other room."

"And?" Vera asked, confused. She didn't know why that would be of any import--

...oh, shit. Vera had finally gotten what Hoofinghamm had implied. One other room meant only one other bedroom. And there was two of them. And they were the opposite sex. And Vera hadn't gotten laid in at least five months. And she was pretty sure her new partner (okay don't call him that anymore) was a virgin. She started to slowly back out of the room when Hofinghamm made a b-line straight towards the bedroom. Okay, he can't possibly be that horny. Or stupid to think I'm that easy, Vera thought as she paused her retreat.

"Oh thank Celestia, there's two beds in here."

Vera blinked, frowned, then sighed in relief. She trotted towards the door with new found confidence.


“Hey, this isn’t related to the main plot...” Pinkie said while putting her hooves together and looking through them like a camera. Vex looked at Pinkie, baffled.

“What the hell are you talking about, Pinks?” Vex looked into Pinkie’s eyes and followed the trail to whatever she was looking at. She nearly jumped off the ship over what she saw.

“Pinkie!” she yelled. “Are you staring at Fluttershy’s ass?!”

Pinkie looked away, shot out her hoof, and yelled, “NO!”


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