Are psychopaths born or made? When the CMC discovers one among themselves, they are forced to choose between turning the killer in, or going to jail as accomplices. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Interesting seeing the influences the Secret Life of Rarity had on this. Might as well replace the name Silver Spoon with the name Annie, yes?
At any rate, loving it so far. Can't wait to see how this all plays out overall now that all of them know. How long do you think this one is going to be?
Yes! This chapter struck at just the right time; when everyone was pissed at DT and Silver for their actions in the last episode.
-Seriously? People were complaining about them being OOC? Did they not read the description? I do agree with your explanations for their actions and could see it happening, but seriously, they were complaining about it?
Great work, Kaidan, and don't let the dissenters piss you off too much. Wait, but angry Kaidan is best Kaidan, so... Still,keep up the good work.
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were quite easy convinced to participate seems a little bit off to walk on a crime scene and do not show barely any emotions
She glanced at the apple juice soaking into her clean wood floor. If she didn’t clean it up soon, there’d be a large stain in the wood. She took pride in how well-maintained her small school house was.
"First weed to get rid off..." she noted. Really, life will never be the same again after "Cheerilee's Garden"...
You’re not a doormat; you’re an Apple.
Seems that somepony attended Iron Will's seminars...
This is getting more Interesting, will scootaloo confess to rainbow dash and scootaloo will have to kill her? We'll find out next time on dragon ball Z! Also I agree with your blog, it kinda fits well to the cannon stuff, other then that I'm looking foreword to the next chapter! -Brony4life14
3633226 She was buried alive with a little bit of air... part of me wants her to be alive for a day or two, maybe get dug up and eaten by a timberwolf... oh sweet unbiased cruelty.
Well, she was paralyzed from the waist down and apparently can't remember what happened... it would make a very cruel plot point if she crawled away and lived, only to be tortured by her inability to remember how Tiara died and an irrational sense of guilt over it, as well as a lot of torment from the Crusaders (mostly AB and maybe Sweetie, with Babs instigating and Scootaloo joining in where she's told to). I mean, Silver would have to use a wheelchair, maybe wear diapers for the rest of her life because she can't control anything below the waist anymore...
I think this is one of your best stories, Kaidan. It's a pity it hasn't received more recognition.
3636319 It would be fun. But if she will crawl out, the grave will be discovered and within it Diamond's body with Scootaloo and Sweetie's stuff, so they will go to jail for something they didn't do... Well, even more fun...
3632840 Scootaloo is more believable to me. She definitely has self esteem problems so I can see how Babs put her in line so fast. But as for Sweetie Belle, she kinda already showed emotions when she decided to check on Apple Bloom after school and when she tries to save Silver. Babs is a psychopath and don't give a fuck, Apple Bloom likes killing, Scootaloo will apparently do whatever they tell her to do, but I think after Sweetie's backstory in the hospital I kinda expected her to be more passionate about this, and not so composed. Anyway good chapter, and I can't wait for more. I would like to ask though if you are planning to focus more on killing in this story or how it affects CMC?
Wow. This is... this is dark. Bravo. Sweetie seems a bit odd to me. Scoots, no self-confidence, will do anything to keep her friends and family, makes sense. Apple Bloom, needs a tad bit more guilt, otherwise good. Sweetie Belle needs something more to make her believable. Easiest approach, canonize Secret Life of Rarity. Harder Approach, put her in a situation where her Passive Aggression kills/harms someone. Perhaps harms seriously, maybe in a coma, with the victim having seen Sweetie. When he/she/it wakes up, boom, reason to go finish the job to protect herself and her friends, with logical background. And Babs, good job, perfect serial killer, but her background chapter made her seem more of a behind-the-scenes string-puller. Would love to see that. Anyways, disclaimer, this is all an opinion, feel free to respond. I give you full legal rights to steal this as your own. (Or, more likely, ignore it and do it the way you wanted to. Whatever.)
Am I a horrible and morbid person because I like this so much and I want to be a part of the serial killer group? I would kill whit a bow and arrow while stalking people and scaring the shit out of them over the phone. Or an ax. My first victim would be nurse Redheart. Am I evil? Please answer meeeee!!
.......... sole problem with this story. herbivores. its less that a pony could never kill. horses are capable and even willing to kill, and herbivore species have been known for violence. no the problem ehre is that they could not derive and JOY from killing another. an equine that fucked up would be as rare as a stallion in a mlp scene. here is why. we can find joy in killing because it relates to the more predatory side of our omnivorous nature. it kinda tickles a darker side of us that remembers that killing something is of benefit. kill a rabbit, you get to eat for example. of course those who kill their own kind are still psychotic deviants as it is less human nature to kill other humans to enjoyment.
however when a rhinoceros or elephant kills something, it does not benefit. at most it benefits from eliminating a perceived threat, but the corpse is of no use to it. it does not consume meat, so it will not feed on it. all it is is a lump of matter that it believed was trying to harm it. no more no less.
so by that theory. ponies can kill and are willing to kill......... they just have a far lesser likelyhood of becoming psychopaths because of their herbivore pasty. and cupcakes shall never be canon.
You are crazy and so am I just saying but don't judge but I get the feeling scoots and sweetie bell are gonna kill as well I mean technically sweetie already has with the
Well, I very much enjoyed this story so far. I absolutely adore well-written and believable CMC stories, and I likewise enjoy dark, fucked up ones. So, this is perfectly to my tastes! Often times when I find dark stories with a good concept, the first chapter is exceptional, but as the story progresses it rapidly loses believability and quality until it's just a pointless, weightless wreck- and it's really such a shame. I'm very glad to find that your story is not like that.
Thus far, given the Crusader's troubled lives and emotional problems, I can see how all the events in this story could have reasonably happened. I particularly enjoy how each one has a different disorder- ones which, given how the ponies act in the show, are believable for them. Babs isn't too interesting to me as she's just a typical psychopath, but her motivation to live through Apple Bloom certainly is interesting- I guess it balances out! But as for the other crusaders:
I especially liked Apple Bloom's scenes in the first chapter. She lost her innocence in such a sudden and harsh way, and I can see how killing a beloved pet would mess any child up- especially if they felt obligated to do it and as if they had no choice. The scenes were all beautifully written, and were a lovely introduction to your story and set the tone perfectly.
I'm quite interested to see what becomes of Scootaloo And Sweetie Belle now that they're about to become involved in Apple Bloom and Bab's rotten behavior. Of course, I figure Scootaloo will blindly follow for fear of being abandoned. I'm not sure about Sweetie Belle, though; I suspect she may see becoming a killer as a way to feel special and be recognized.
While I did see various grammar mistakes and occasional typos throughout the five chapters I read, they weren't too immersion-breaking and are easy enough to look past: Regardless of any mistakes, you're a fantastic writer! If you'd like, I can re-read it all sometime and PM you the errors I found.
Mental illness is a terrible thing, but there's something interesting about it, and it's such a joy to read about my favorite characters descending into a very dark, dreadful place. If you do continue this story sometime in the future, I'd very much like to read it.
Yay!
This one was good...
Interesting seeing the influences the Secret Life of Rarity had on this. Might as well replace the name Silver Spoon with the name Annie, yes?
At any rate, loving it so far. Can't wait to see how this all plays out overall now that all of them know. How long do you think this one is going to be?
Yes! This chapter struck at just the right time; when everyone was pissed at DT and Silver for their actions in the last episode.
-Seriously? People were complaining about them being OOC? Did they not read the description? I do agree with your explanations for their actions and could see it happening, but seriously, they were complaining about it?
Great work, Kaidan, and don't let the dissenters piss you off too much.
Wait, but angry Kaidan is best Kaidan, so...
Still,keep up the good work.
About time... not that I had anything to do with editing/pre-reading or anything.
3631285
I can't beat burying a pony alive and laughing while they do it.
Uh, 20 chapters or 90k words which ever comes first. So far, no story of mine has surpassed 100k words! it's a curse!
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were quite easy convinced to participate seems a little bit off to walk on a crime scene and do not show barely any emotions
"First weed to get rid off..." she noted. Really, life will never be the same again after "Cheerilee's Garden"...
Seems that somepony attended Iron Will's seminars...
I have the weirdest wingboner right now...
3631990
I suppose bumping Scootaloo's meltdown to the next chapter for length wasn't the best idea? As for Sweetie-bot, she has no emotion.
You should have Silver crawl out and become a flesh-eating zombie.
I have a feeling Scootaloo will spill the beans. She seems tl have a heart-enough to feel utter guilt like that. I'm sure she'll be the meltdown one.
This is getting more Interesting, will scootaloo confess to rainbow dash and scootaloo will have to kill her? We'll find out next time on dragon ball Z! Also I agree with your blog, it kinda fits well to the cannon stuff, other then that I'm looking foreword to the next chapter!
-Brony4life14
3633484
Babs will definitely be keeping a shot leash on Scootaloo.
3633986
Murder Rainbow Dash? I couldn't possibly!
3634507
3633226
She was buried alive with a little bit of air... part of me wants her to be alive for a day or two, maybe get dug up and eaten by a timberwolf... oh sweet unbiased cruelty.
3635783
Well, she was paralyzed from the waist down and apparently can't remember what happened... it would make a very cruel plot point if she crawled away and lived, only to be tortured by her inability to remember how Tiara died and an irrational sense of guilt over it, as well as a lot of torment from the Crusaders (mostly AB and maybe Sweetie, with Babs instigating and Scootaloo joining in where she's told to). I mean, Silver would have to use a wheelchair, maybe wear diapers for the rest of her life because she can't control anything below the waist anymore...
I think this is one of your best stories, Kaidan. It's a pity it hasn't received more recognition.
3636319
It would be fun. But if she will crawl out, the grave will be discovered and within it Diamond's body with Scootaloo and Sweetie's stuff, so they will go to jail for something they didn't do... Well, even more fun...
3632840
Scootaloo is more believable to me. She definitely has self esteem problems so I can see how Babs put her in line so fast. But as for Sweetie Belle, she kinda already showed emotions when she decided to check on Apple Bloom after school and when she tries to save Silver. Babs is a psychopath and don't give a fuck, Apple Bloom likes killing, Scootaloo will apparently do whatever they tell her to do, but I think after Sweetie's backstory in the hospital I kinda expected her to be more passionate about this, and not so composed. Anyway good chapter, and I can't wait for more. I would like to ask though if you are planning to focus more on killing in this story or how it affects CMC?
3636615
I'll focus more on how it affects the CMC. The killing is just icing on the delicious chocolate cake.
3636880
Wow. This is... this is dark. Bravo. Sweetie seems a bit odd to me. Scoots, no self-confidence, will do anything to keep her friends and family, makes sense. Apple Bloom, needs a tad bit more guilt, otherwise good. Sweetie Belle needs something more to make her believable. Easiest approach, canonize Secret Life of Rarity. Harder Approach, put her in a situation where her Passive Aggression kills/harms someone. Perhaps harms seriously, maybe in a coma, with the victim having seen Sweetie. When he/she/it wakes up, boom, reason to go finish the job to protect herself and her friends, with logical background. And Babs, good job, perfect serial killer, but her background chapter made her seem more of a behind-the-scenes string-puller. Would love to see that. Anyways, disclaimer, this is all an opinion, feel free to respond. I give you full legal rights to steal this as your own. (Or, more likely, ignore it and do it the way you wanted to. Whatever.)
Wow. Babs. WHAT A BITCH!
Am I a horrible and morbid person because I like this so much and I want to be a part of the serial killer group? I would kill whit a bow and arrow while stalking people and scaring the shit out of them over the phone. Or an ax. My first victim would be nurse Redheart. Am I evil? Please answer meeeee!!
is it just me, or does this remind anyone else of the secret life of rarity somewhat?
.......... sole problem with this story.
herbivores.
its less that a pony could never kill. horses are capable and even willing to kill, and herbivore species have been known for violence. no the problem ehre is that they could not derive and JOY from killing another. an equine that fucked up would be as rare as a stallion in a mlp scene.
here is why. we can find joy in killing because it relates to the more predatory side of our omnivorous nature. it kinda tickles a darker side of us that remembers that killing something is of benefit. kill a rabbit, you get to eat for example. of course those who kill their own kind are still psychotic deviants as it is less human nature to kill other humans to enjoyment.
however when a rhinoceros or elephant kills something, it does not benefit. at most it benefits from eliminating a perceived threat, but the corpse is of no use to it. it does not consume meat, so it will not feed on it. all it is is a lump of matter that it believed was trying to harm it. no more no less.
so by that theory. ponies can kill and are willing to kill......... they just have a far lesser likelyhood of becoming psychopaths because of their herbivore pasty. and cupcakes shall never be canon.
Loving this fic so far!
4127221
Perhaps a situation where she felt her only option was to kill, or let her friends get caught
4479237 lol
This just got hilarious, I like.
Cept for the burying alive part, really awful way to go.
Great story so far.
You are crazy and so am I just saying but don't judge but I get the feeling scoots and sweetie bell are gonna kill as well I mean technically sweetie already has with the
Well, I very much enjoyed this story so far. I absolutely adore well-written and believable CMC stories, and I likewise enjoy dark, fucked up ones. So, this is perfectly to my tastes! Often times when I find dark stories with a good concept, the first chapter is exceptional, but as the story progresses it rapidly loses believability and quality until it's just a pointless, weightless wreck- and it's really such a shame. I'm very glad to find that your story is not like that.
Thus far, given the Crusader's troubled lives and emotional problems, I can see how all the events in this story could have reasonably happened. I particularly enjoy how each one has a different disorder- ones which, given how the ponies act in the show, are believable for them. Babs isn't too interesting to me as she's just a typical psychopath, but her motivation to live through Apple Bloom certainly is interesting- I guess it balances out! But as for the other crusaders:
I especially liked Apple Bloom's scenes in the first chapter. She lost her innocence in such a sudden and harsh way, and I can see how killing a beloved pet would mess any child up- especially if they felt obligated to do it and as if they had no choice. The scenes were all beautifully written, and were a lovely introduction to your story and set the tone perfectly.
I'm quite interested to see what becomes of Scootaloo And Sweetie Belle now that they're about to become involved in Apple Bloom and Bab's rotten behavior. Of course, I figure Scootaloo will blindly follow for fear of being abandoned. I'm not sure about Sweetie Belle, though; I suspect she may see becoming a killer as a way to feel special and be recognized.
While I did see various grammar mistakes and occasional typos throughout the five chapters I read, they weren't too immersion-breaking and are easy enough to look past: Regardless of any mistakes, you're a fantastic writer! If you'd like, I can re-read it all sometime and PM you the errors I found.
Mental illness is a terrible thing, but there's something interesting about it, and it's such a joy to read about my favorite characters descending into a very dark, dreadful place. If you do continue this story sometime in the future, I'd very much like to read it.
This is going to continue any day?
6430973 Hopefully...