I was in shock; I couldn’t believe what I had just seen. I kept repeating it over and over again in my head. Scootaloo and Diamond got into a fight. Diamond pushes Scootaloo over a cliff.
I can still see the look on her face as she disappeared over the edge, a mix of shock and confusion. She didn’t even try to stop her fall in any way, she didn’t even scream. It was as if her mind couldn’t process what was happening to her. I felt the same way as I watched it happen. I still can’t believe what I had just seen. I just continued to stare at the spot where she once was for a while. Has it a few seconds or was it minutes, I’m not sure. Time feels like it’s standing still.
Suddenly I felt myself moving towards Diamond Tiara, and the cliff. My whole body is shaking and I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I just stared at the edge the whole time I’m walking towards it… where she disappeared.
“D-Diamond…” I forced myself to speak, “y-you… you… that…” I couldn’t think of anything to say, I tried to but it kept getting jumbled together.
Diamond doesn’t say anything. I turn to look at her, she has the same face that Scootaloo had as she fell, eyes wide open and pupils shrunk to pinpricks. Her mouth was moving as if she was trying to speak but no sounds came out.
“Diamond… Look at me Diamond!” I yelled, while grabbing her and shaking trying to snap her out of her shock. Her head snapped to look at me, the look of shock still in her eyes.
“S-Silver? I didn’t… I never meant… I… I…” she said while slowly turning her head back towards the cliff, I also turned to look.
We both made our way closer to the edge; it was like some sort of sick compulsion that I had to obey. I couldn’t stop myself no matter how much I wanted to. Neither could Diamond Tiara. Slowly we crept closer to the edge, slowly my stomach started churning at the thought of what I was going to see next as we both look over the cliff at the same time seeing what we wished we didn’t know to be true.
At the bottom of the gorge was Scootaloo, looking like a tiny doll from the height we were at… a tiny broken doll. That’s when it hit me, Diamond Tiara just killed Scootaloo and I watched it happen. I feel the tears threatening to well up in my eyes. And judging from the quivering breaths coming form Diamond, she wasn’t faring any better with what we are seeing than I was.
I looked back over at her, reaching my hoof up to her chin to turn her head to face me. Her eyes are filled with tears while she kept saying “I didn’t mean to...” under her breath over and over again.
“D-Diamond, we need to… to tell som-” I’m cut short when a noise pierces though all my thoughts like a knife. Screaming, somepony screaming. It isn’t me, and it isn’t Diamond. We both are quickly drawn back to the edge looking down at Scootaloo.
She was screaming… Scootaloo was screaming in pain. SHE WAS ALIVE! I’ve never felt so relieved and terrified before in my life. Relieved that she isn’t dead, but terrified at the noise she was making.
I’ve heard ponies scream before, in fear, in anger, but never in pain. It is the single most horrific sound I have ever heard, piercing me to my very soul. I feel sick just listening to it. The visuals accompanying it didn’t help.
Suddenly both I and Diamond are running along the edge of the cliff, completely on impulse. We came here often and we knew there was a place where the gorge got shallower making it safe to enter, that’s where we’re running towards. All I can think of is Scootaloo in pain, and that we had to help her. It didn’t matter if we didn’t like her, no that stopped mattering the moment we heard her crying in pain. It was like that screaming was compelling us to get to her as fast as possible.
As soon as we reached the safe path into the gorge, the echoes of her screaming were fading. The screaming terrified me, but the sound of it getting weaker and weaker was far worse. We ran faster, it felt like forever until we finally reached her.
When we reached her, I could see what had happened clearly. From what I could tell by looking at her, she had hit a pile of rocks and other stuff that seemed to be piled up against the wall of the gorge. I didn’t have to look at her to tell that, there were spatters of blood and some of her feathers on the pile where she hit and rolled to where she was now.
I can feel my stomach turning just by looking at her. Little orange feathers fluttered a crossed the dirt in a light breeze. Scootaloo is laying covered in dirt and blood that was seeping form several gashes and scrapes across her body. One of her wings is draped over her and the other is laying limp next to her on the ground. I see something sticking out of one of her front legs; I quickly look away from it.
She’s sobbing, with a pained look on her face, tears streaming down from her eyes mixing with blood coming from her nose. Her eyes were open but even though she is looking in our directing I’m wonder if she can even see us.
Diamond stands still, a look of worry on her face. I have to force myself just to make a move towards Scootaloo.
“H-hay…” I say as calmly as I can to her as I leaned down next to her. Being this close I can actually smell the blood; it’s making me feel even sicker then I am. “Scootaloo, c-can you hear me?”
She didn’t respond, just continued the same pained sobbing she’s been doing since we arrived. Her eyes are looking at me but they look like she’s trying to see something behind me. I gently reach out and touch her…
Her high pitched scream of pain causes me to pull back quickly and cover my ears to attempt to drown out the horrifying noise.
“SILVER WHAT DID YOU DO!?” Diamond yells at me as she quickly closes the distance between us, Scootaloo’s screaming having snapped her out of her stupor.
“I just touched her and she started to scream!” I say as she looks down at Scootaloo and held her hoof up to her mouth. I can hear her choking back the urge to throw up.
“I-I did this… I did this…” she began repeating as she stared at Scootaloo.
I shook her, looking her right in the eyes, “Listen Diamond, w-we need to help her okay?” Diamond nods to what I’m saying. “We’re going to have to carry her… H-help me okay?” Another nod from Diamond. “S-so… Help me lift her on my back… yeah, my back. Okay?”
“…okay…”
Diamond gently tried to slide her hoof under Scootaloo’s body. Immediately she began screaming in pain and Diamond quickly pulled away, squeezing her eyes shut. This isn’t going to work; we can’t even pick her up without causing her pain. We need to do something else.
“W-what are we going to do Silver?” Diamond sobbed. “What are we going to do?”
“W-we… we get help!” I don’t know why I didn’t think of that before. All of the panic must have been keeping me from thinking straight or something. “Diamond, you go tell somepony what happened a-and I’ll stay here with Scootaloo.”
“Y-yeah...” She replied before slowly backing away, turning around, and quickly sprinting away.
I watched as she got farther away and I suddenly feel something wet against my hoof. I looked down… blood. It’s blood. Scootaloo’s blood... There’s a pool of blood forming around her. I slowly back away from her, and turn away. I can’t bear to look at her anymore.
“Please… hurry.” I said before the tears started falling from my eyes. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. I can’t stop crying. All I can think of is Scootaloo right now. This shouldn’t have ever happened. Why did this have to happen?
I hear more pained moans from Scootaloo. I turn to watch her. She looks like she’s trying to move! “N-no, don’t move,” I say, though I don’t know if she can hear me. She continues to move, it looks like she’s trying to curl into a ball or something. Maybe I should stop her… no touching her only hurts her more.
Suddenly she makes a jerky movement and a retching sound… Oh Celestia, she’s throwing up. I have to look away and cover my ears, I don’t want to hear this I don’t want to hear this! It’s too horrible.
The smell… Blood and vomit. It’s too much for me to take. I can feel my stomach trying to, to… I can’t stop my self. I throw up on the ground in front of me.
Please Diamond… Please hurry…
I close my eyes; all I can do now is cry and hope.
This all seems very natural and in character to someone in shock. the only thing I don't get is why there aren't more likes.
3371806
I'm just happy of the lack of dislikes: 5 - 0
Also, thanks.
I'll give it a shot, your grammar got better in this chapter too...
Something to improve on: The plural of 'minute' is 'minutes'
I've noticed that you have a habit of spelling it minuets. The spellcheck won't catch the error, so just keep a close eye on what you're typing.
Looks interesting so far. I like the way Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are written in this story. Too many fics like to write them off as heartless.
3371806 I shalt add to the like and favorite statistics.
Anyways really good chapter. I honestly have no clue what to type so I'll just type banana.
Banana
Wow TEN favs and NO DOWNVOTES (as of now)
Hmmm... I need to find a way to up my readership.
See, this brand of narrator-swap works well. Perhaps it's best this way - we've established the victim and the guilty party, and now we've witnessed the witness. There are feelings all across the spectrum, and you've captured most of them very well. I'm also forgiving a lot of the word choices and structures that look like patois (dialect, if you prefer), since Silver Spoon is a kid thrust into a unique situation.
Not much to say in regards to the narrative, so...lots of errors found on this round. Many of them deal with tense confusion (using present-tense words following past-tense, or vice-versa), so those will be labeled with suggestions for both changes - one version and then the other. Personally, I prefer past-tense writing, but you kept the first chapter in present-tense, so the choice is yours. Just bear in mind...when you choose one tense, you should stick with it.
•Change the second "the" to "where".
•The first part of the sentence is built like a question, so it'd be better if you replaced the comma with a question mark. However, this is a personal taste, so it's up to you.
•Since Diamond Tiara is a proper noun, it's correct to leave her name capitalized regardless of a character's stutter. Change "D-diamond" to "D-Diamond".
•Tense change. "Couldn't" and "tried" apply to past-tense, but "keeps" apply to present. If you want past-tense, change "keeps" to "kept. If you want present-tense, change "couldn't" to "can't" and "tried" to "try".
•Change "shrank" to "shrunk".
•Same as earlier, Silver Spoon is a proper noun. Capitalize "S-silver" to match.
•Change "though" to "thought".
•The second half of the sentence is confusing. It's a lot of information that conveys very little. Simplify this by cutting out redundant words and those that add nothing to the sentence.
•Change "form" to "from".
•Tense change. "Wasn't" is a past-tense word, while "I am" is a present-tense phrase. If you want past-tense, change "I am" to "I was." If you want present-tense, change "wasn't" to "isn't".
•Add an ellipsis (...) after "I didn't mean to" to have the sentence make structural sense.
•Same as earlier. Capitalize "D-diamond".
•The sentence isn't wrong, but realistically, a knife doesn't pierce. It cuts. Try using different imagery, such as an arrow or a spear.
•Change "Relived" to "Relieved".
•Tense change. If you want past-tense, change "isn't" to "wasn't". If you want present-tense, change "was" to "is".
•Tense change. "Reach" is present-tense, "were fading" is past-tense. If you want past-tense, change "reach" to "reached". If you want present-tense, change "were fading" to "fade".
•Change "reach" to "reached".
•Using both "wind" and "light breeze" is redundant. Remove either "in the wind" or "in a light breeze" and let the other do the work.
•Change "directing" to "direction".
•Change "then" to "than".
•Change "she's" (contraction of she has) to "she'd" (she had).
•Tense change. "Looks" is present-tense, "held" is past-tense. If you want past-tense, change "looks" to "looked". If you want present-tense, change "held" to "holds".
•Same redundancy problem with the use of "repeating" and "over and over." Remove "over and over" but leave "repeating" alone; it's a stronger word.
•Replace the comma with a period.
•Capitalize "another" and change the comma to a period.
•Combine "with out" to make "without".
•Change the comma to a period and capitalize the "what" in the second quote set.
•Add some form of punctuation in the end of the quote set, such as an ellipsis or a comma.
•Same as above.
•Change the period in the quote set to a comma.
•Change "reaching" to "retching".
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Okay... two things.
One: Thank you for your help with pointing out these errors! Even though I never asked you. I'm totally going to list you as one of the editors of this story now for all your hard work. A lot of those errors are just silly mistakes on my part. From typing to fast or getting my words jumbled and not catching them. (Or my editors catching them)
Two: If you're going to do wall of text like this please send them by PM as to not clutter up the comments... While I love constructive criticism and thoughts about the story and maybe a few error correction, these text walls of yours a little much for a simple comment. Just my thoughts but if you could just shoot me PMs with the error corrections and leave only your thoughts of the chapter, writing and such in the comments. Up to you... I'm just asking.
Again that's just asking if you going to do a Wall o' text corrections list. One or two corrections are fine in the comments but based on the fact you're finding them left and right and creating these walls o' text it might be better to PM me that stuff.
I don't even know about the hays
this account doesn't coincide with Scootaloo's POV. By her perception both Diamond and Silver had left her. i can only guess when she turned her head to look, Silver must have blended in with the rocks since her vision was so poor. She should have heard Silver still so close buy though (especially since Silver puked right after Scoots). Would have been nice to know she wasn't abandoned.
I'm guessing the reason Scootaloo's alive at all is that enough of her flightfield kicked in to cushion the impact. Plus, she's small, and light of build.
This is so in character it's scary.
Even if they're bullies, they're still the innocent ponies we've come to know that wouldn't really want to fatally harm someone.