Everything Hurts

by Phenoix12

Pain

Everything is dark.
Where am I? Am I in my bed? No… My bed isn’t hard…
I open my eyes
The light stings my eyes and all I see is a blurred mesh of gray and brown.
I blink and everything slowly gets a little clearer. I blink again and I see rocks and dirt. Beyond that is all a blur of colors and shapes.
I’m lying on the ground? Why am I lying on the ground? Where am I?
I slowly try to move…
IT HURTS
…It hurts… my entire body hurts!
Why do I hurt so much?
I stare at the rocks and dirt in front of me as they quickly fade back into the blur, now feeling only the pain, everything hurts.

I hear something, a pony? Somepony screaming? Who’s screaming and why does it hurt so much!?

It’s me… I’m screaming. I’m screaming from the pain. I can’t stop, it just keeps coming and it just keeps hurting. It hurts so much my eyes are burning… I’m crying… I can feel the tears streaming down my face.

I just keep screaming and screaming. I don't know how long I scream but soon my lungs ache and my throat feels like it's on fire.

Another noise, it's somepony sobbing? It’s me again. I’m crying to myself, it hurts. I can’t stop even though every sob and moan of pain hurts me even more then the last. I can’t stop and it hurts. I wish I could stop... I wish the pain would just stop...

I see something moving, it’s hard to see anything though the tears so I try to blink them away; it’s still hard to see. But I can tell it’s a hoof… a pony. Somepony came to help me. Please… help me…

I watch the hoof as it reaches out and touches me…
IT HURTS
I cry out in pain and the hoof quickly pulls away.

I hear noises… voices? They’re saying something. Are they talking to me? I can hear them but I can’t understand them… It sounds like they’re talking though a wall, everything is muffled.

I try to say something but it hurts too much so all I can manage is a moan.

Another hoof reaches out to me and tries to slide under me.
IT HURTS
They’re trying to help me and IT HURTS
More talking, can’t understand them… ears ringing.

Another blur gets close to me, it’s a face, and I can almost make it out.
A voice says something then the blur starts to move away...
No... Please don't go. I don't want to be alone.
Gone... The blurred pony is gone...

Silence, pain, and rocks are my entire world once more. How long have I been here? The pain makes it hard to think.
I see something red in the corner of my vision.
I slowly -IT HURTS- turn my -IT HURTS- head to try to see.
I see the red… It’s… it’s my blood? It’s creeping away from me slowly.
I see something floating in it… A feather; it’s floating on the blood, stained red. It’s mine.
I keep -IT HURTS- turning my -IT HURTS- head slowly towards my body.
I see my legs and one of my wings.

One of my wings hangs limply over my body, several broken feathers sticking out at random angles. It hurts; I don’t dare try to move it. I don't think I even can.

My front left leg is the only one I can really make out right now... It’s stained with blood. There are several cuts that are still bleeding. Something is sticking out. It looks white and it’s covered in blood and some other stuff. It’s a bone… my bone is broken and it’s sticking out of me. I can see parts of myself that I shouldn’t be able to see. I feel sick.

I feel sick, the pain is making me sick, the sight of my leg is making me sick.
I can’t stop my self from vomiting.
It hurts so much.

My body keeps heaving as it tries to throw up whatever was in my stomach.Nothing else is coming up after the first time and each attempt hurts more and more.
Eventually I stop. But the pain doesn’t go away.
I feel strange… Colors are starting to meld together and everything feels so light. How long have I been here? I feel tired. I want to sleep but everything hurts so much.

Suddenly I hear the muffled voices again and I see the colored blurs moving in front of me. Another pony?

One of the blurs gets close to me and says something… The voice sounds soothing… I feel sleepy… I close… my…
IT HURTS
My body is being moved.
IT HURTS SO MUCH
I’m being lifted up by the blurred pony.
IT HURTS PLEASE PUT ME BACK DOWN IT HURTS
I’m crying in pain but they’re still lifting me up.
MAKE IT STOP
I feel myself press against something tightly as a hoof holds me in place. I’m crying in pain. I wish I could tell them to stop but all I can do is cry and scream.

It feels like we’re flying now, each beat of the pony’s wing hurts me. I’ve stopped screaming now… It still hurts but I don’t have the strength to cry anymore. I feel so weak... So sleepy... Everything is getting darker...

...I close my eyes...

The pain finally stops.

Author's Note:

Well here’s the first chapter of my first story on fimfiction.

Hopefully I did a good self editor job on this. If not then I hope any mistakes aren’t horribly glaring. If you see any, please let me know and I’ll see about fixing them.

Entire story completely revised as of 12/01/2014

It took longer than I'd thought it would but I've done it! (With the help of my ever helpful editors) The story has been gone over, revised, and edited to be (hopefully) better! I hope you enjoy this, my first ever story on fimfiction, now completely revised for your reading pleasure!

Once more, criticism welcomed as long as it isn’t flaming. Constructive criticism is especially welcomed. Thank you for takeing your time to read this.

Comments

[Admari]

Hm. Interesting.

Liked and favorited. Looking forward to see exactly where this goes.

You're grammar is also pretty good. I saw missing or incorrect punctuation in a few places and one spelling mistake, but as far as Fimfiction goes that's actually very good.

[Xarsor]

Interesting story. One grammar problem I found: while Rainbow Dash are two words, Fluttershy is one not two

[NecroLeprechaun]

Good job! I really like this and will be watching for more to come. There was a bit of grammatical error but more than most fanfics (reading it aloud helps with the editing process). It's an intriguing story that had me guessing one thing until the last line, then only more questions come bubbling up after that answer.

[Hydran]

Its nice. But yeah, you get used to the 1000 word mark eventually. It can be tough at times.

[Phenoix12]

3277019

I blame the fact that I Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom are two word names and my brain decided that Fluttershy was also two seperate words when I was writing it. But Fixed.

[Phenoix12]

3283134

Would you believe that mixing up sight and site is something I do all the time.

You gotta love homophones!

[Leoshi]

I'm following-through on what I said! Here I am to ruin your day.

So far, I'm intrigued. With so little action taking place, you've got me wondering about the state of the narrator, the situation that caused the pain, and where it all will go from such a wild start. Pain can be a distracting thing, and you've captured that well!

Errors found:

I'm body is being moved.

*My body is being moved.

[Boop-Happy Lass]

It sounds like they’re talking though a wall, everything is muffled.

whats that though is it through?

Also this:

My body keeps heaving

its *having*

[ServingSpoon]

6345117 no you are wrong. heaving is right. Dry heaving is when the body runs out of contents to vomit up but keeps going through the motions.

[ServingSpoon]

it would have been nice if we got a better description of the blob ponies since Scoots says she can almost make them out. Coat and mane color would have been much more helpful in guessing whom was trying to help.

[Jordan179]

Is the lack of most paragraph breaks in parts of this chapter a deliberate stylistic choice?

Good description though.

[NoBodIsHere]

Who is telling this story tho..? Could I make a reading on it on Youtube? You'd get credited of course! I think it's great! Even though its complete, keep up your great work!