Everything is dark.
Where am I? Why can’t I move? Why is everything numb?
I open my eyes.
The light stings my eyes are all I see is a blur many colors.
I’m lying on a bed.
A blue blur fills my vision and I hear a muffled voice.
I blink to try to clear the blurs from my eyes.
Everything is still a bit blurred but now I can see a sky blue pegasus with a rainbow mane standing next to the bed I’m on looking down at me. Rainbow Dash? Where am I? The fog in my head starts to clear and I’m slowly able to make out what she’s saying.
“-ctor Stable, she’s waking up!” she calls to somepony I can’t see. She sounds happy and relieved at the same time. She turns back to me, “Scootaloo, you’re going to be okay.”
She reaches a hoof and gently moves some of my mane out of my face. I try to speak but she cuts me off. “Shhhh, don’t speak, okay?" You fell… You… You almost died. But you’re safe now.”
Another pony walks into my view, a stallion tan stallion with a brown mane wearing a doctor’s coat, his cutie mark one of those heart beeping things like the one I’m actually hooked up to right now.
“Scootaloo, do you understand me? Just nod if you do, you’re very weak right now,” he says.
I nod, slowly showing that I understand. It’s hard to nod; my whole body feels stiff and numb.
“Good,” he continues, “You’ve been out for about a day now.”
A day? It’s been a day since… since all of the pain? Rainbow said I fell. Where did I fall? How did I fall? I can’t remember anything.
“Ms. Dash, I think it would be for the best if we leave her to rest.”
“What? No way! She JUST woke up and I want to stay with her.”
Doctor Stable sighs, “Fine, fine… Just don’t try to move her or anything, okay?” Stable walks out of the room after that and I hear a door close.
I take a glance around my room, or at least the parts of it I can actually see. It’s mostly just a plain hospital room, except for flowers and cards sitting on the end table. A lot of get well cards and one that says ‘I’m sorry’ which I don’t understand.
Dash’s voice draws me eyes back to her, “Hay Squirt, you doing okay? You need anything?” she says, concern leaking into her normally confident voice.
For the first time since I woke up I notice how dry my throat and mouth are. I slowly try to speak but my voice is dry and raspy and hard to get out, “Th-thir-”
“You’re thirsty?” she finishes for me; all I can do is nod as she quickly disappears.
Less than ten seconds later she comes back with a paper cup full of water and carefully holds it up to my mouth to let me drink. I slowly sip the water to help my dry throat, it makes me cough once but I keep drinking, the soothing cool water helping my dry aching throat. “Th-thank you,” I manage to say in a hushed voice.
Rainbow stays with me for hours to keep me company, even reading a few chapters from a Daring Do book to me. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom stop by with their sisters to spend some time with me. I don’t talk that much, it’s still hard. Soon I’m the only one left in my room, even Dash left soon after everypony else.
Time slowly ticks by, and the only other ponies that came into my room was a few nurses to check on me and to help turn me over to face the windows. Soon I can feel myself drifting off to sleep again.
Right before I fall to sleep there’s a knock on the door and one of the nurses peeks her head in. “Scootaloo?” she says, “You have some more visitors.”
Another visitor? Who could it be? Everypony I really care about has already been here… I hear two sets of hooves walking into the room and around to the side of the bed I’m facing. Two ponies I never dreamed would be visiting me in the hospital.
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.
Took quite a turn, there. I'll be honest, I was expecting the victim to be Rainbow Dash, not Scootaloo. That was a shock! So now we have the narrator established...yet I can't help but notice a disconnect from her. In the last chapter, you went to great lengths to capture her thoughts and, indeed, her pain. Now? Her thoughts are kept comparatively short and poignant, and the passage of time allowed very little to be revealed to her. I was also kind of surprised that Stable, being the doctor on duty, didn't give her more facts after she confirmed that she could understand him. As far as we know - and, by extent, as far as Scootaloo knows - her injuries are unexplained.
By the way, let me know if I'm going too far with the errors I track down. I like helping, but if you don't like it, just say the word.
Errors found:
•The period at the end needs to be inside the closing quote marks.
•This looks odd. You can either remove "okay" from the sentence, or put a comma before it and a question mark after it (replacing the period).
•In this sentence's structure, "slowly" modifies "understand" when it should be modifying "nod." Try moving "slowly" before the comma instead.
•The comma after "continues" should be replaced with a period, OR "You've" should have a lowercase y.
•That semicolon doesn't belong. Replace it with a comma.
•Same as above, except this time you have a little more freedom. Either replace the semicolon with a comma, or add more to the end of this sentence to make it work. For example: It’s mostly just a plain hospital room; except for flowers and cards sitting on the end table, there wasn't much.
•This isn't wrong, just a personal note from me. Saying Scootaloo doesn't understand the apology card is not as effective as saying she's confused by it. I recommend replacing "I don't understand" with "confuses me" or something to that effect.
•The period in the quotation marks should be a comma.
Spotted another one! I think its *Hey squirt*
just a little minor point. As someone who has spent more time in hospitals then he cares to recall, Scootaloo's lips may be dry but she would have been fed fluids through an IV drip since she was unconscious for a full day and unable to drink it naturally. her pain killers would also be injected into the IV tube.
So Scoots would notice a tube with a bandage around her wrist/fetlock and she would be rather loopy on the drugs unless Equestria has better medicine then we do.