• Published 12th Sep 2013
  • 3,113 Views, 536 Comments

The Diamond Exchange - angelbunny



Chaos ensues when Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon receive no punishment after a hurtful prank gets one of their classmates killed.

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Charity

“Ah, what a glorious day,” said Diamond Tiara as she closed the door to the schoolhouse behind her. “It’s such a pity that we couldn’t spend it cooped up in this musty old schoolhouse. Oh, wait... it’s not.”

“I actually like school,” said Silver Spoon as she walked down the stairs. “It’s way better than being at home when one or both of my parents are home. Speaking of which, are we going back to my place or your place?”

“Either one’s fine with me.”

“My place, then.”

“Sure. What’s there to like about school, anyway? It’s just another means for adults to tell foals what they can and can’t do.” Diamond smirked and closed her eyes as she walked. “I can read and write and do math. What more do I need to know that I can’t learn on my own?”

Diamond Tiara stopped walking. She had inadvertently planted her snout squarely into the bare plot of a gray mare standing in her path.

“How about ‘how to watch where you’re going’?” suggested Silver Spoon, feeling a twinge of jealousy toward the mare.

“BLAUGH! PTUI!” Diamond scrunched her face up as she spat and wiped her face. “WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING AROUND, YOU...”

The mare turned around to see who was yelling at her. Diamond Tiara recognized her, as did Silver Spoon. It was Derpy Hooves, Ponyville’s infamous accident prone pegasus mailmare.

“What are you looking at?” asked Diamond Tiara. “Or should that be ‘what two things are you looking at’?”

Derpy said nothing. She simply frowned at Diamond Tiara.

“If you’ve got something to say to me, spit it out,” growled Diamond Tiara. “I haven’t got all day.”

Derpy continued to stare at Diamond Tiara disapprovingly. Diamond’s eyes shifted back and forth nervously. There were very few things that unnerved Diamond Tiara. One of them was this mare’s eyes. They were crossed – that much was obvious – but she didn’t know which eye was looking at her and which wasn’t... or if both eyes were looking at her, which made guessing where she should be looking quite a chore. At the time that Iron Will coined the phrase “don’t be shy, look ‘em in the eye,” it was a safe bet that he had never met Derpy. It was disorienting as well as distracting and Diamond Tiara loathed distractions, especially when the ponies causing the distraction didn’t speak back to her. Despite the eerie silent treatment she was receiving, she stood her ground against the mare, refusing to give in by walking around her.

“What do you want, lady?” she asked.

“You want to know what I want?” asked Derpy, breaking her silence at last. “I want to help everypony...” The mare’s expression softened as she hung her head sadly. “...but I’m not very good at it.” She lifted her head and her next words were accompanied by a grin and a hoof pointed in Diamond Tiara’s direction. “You’d be great at helping everypony...” She set her hoof back down and frowned at Diamond Tiara as before. “...but you don’t want to. And you really think I’ve got something to say to you?” Derpy shook her head slowly. “No. I don’t think there’s anypony in the world that I want to talk to less than you.”

Having spoken her mind, Derpy walked away.

“Oh, yeah?” challenged Diamond Tiara. “Well... you’re... uhhh...” She turned to look at Silver Spoon. “Help me out, what do I want to say here?”

“She’s right,” muttered Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara turned to look in Derpy’s direction.

“Yeah! You’re right!” she shouted.

Diamond Tiara blushed and facehoofed as she realized what she had just said.

“Why did you feed me that line?” asked Diamond Tiara. “And how is she right?”

“You can help everypony,” said Silver Spoon, “but you have no desire to do so. Derpy looks at you and sees wasted potential. How do you think that must make her feel?”

“So you’re saying she looks up to me and down on me at the same time? Hee hee hee hee hee!”

“That’s not funny, Di. She’s not like those blank flanks who have no special talents and no clue. Her eyes are like that because she was born that way. She can’t help it. You want to be a politician so you can make yourself very happy. But you could do a lot of great things with that power that would make lots of ponies happy instead, Derpy included.”

“Silver, if being born a certain way excuses you from meeting certain expectations, then I’ve got a first class ticket to Elysium that I didn’t even know I had. I’ll always do what makes me happiest. I can’t help it. I was born that way. I do what I want for one very good reason: the common folk only care for the common folk. They have no sympathy for the wealthy – only jealousy. They’re jealous of us because you and I were born into a life of privilege and they weren’t. If I didn’t have my political career on the horizon, I’d never have to work a day in my life. I’ll never know what it’s like to worry about how I’m going to pay my rent... or if I can afford to have dinner at a nice restaurant if I feel like eating out one night... or when I’ll be able to retire. Common ponies will have to worry about making ends meet until the day that they die whereas I don’t even know what an end looks like. That breeds contempt. They don’t even know the real me and they hate me because they’re envious. They cry foul and say life isn’t fair... but how fair is it of them to judge me just by looking at my bank book? They hate me because I was given what they have to toil in order to earn. They hate me because, legally, there’s nothing else that they can do about their situation. They hate me... and the feeling is most definitely mutual.”

“Have you ever donated to a charity?”

“Ugh! Bite your tongue! It’s bad enough that poor ponies exist at all but to have organizations designed to collect money for them is ridiculous! Asking for hoofouts should be illegal and organizations that do it for them – like it’s SO hard to stand on a street corner – ought to be disbanded.”

“I’m sure that’ll be the first thing you’ll change when you’re mayor,” muttered Silver Spoon sarcastically. “You could even make it the platform for your campaign.”

“Don’t think I haven’t considered it. Why help the poor? It’s not as if they’ll ever become extinct. I’d donate money to a jackalope reservation before I’d give one cent to some pony too unruly to hold a job. Jackalopes are cute and rare, just like me. There’s never a shortage of poor ponies. The problem as I see it is that poor ponies breed regardless of their poverty. How do you bring a foal into the world in good faith when you’re unable to provide for them? Who are these dumb-as-manure mares that let broke loser stallions get them pregnant? And why can’t they accept responsibility for their own future deadbeat bundles of joy instead of making them a financial hardship for me?”

“Di, you wouldn’t know financial hardship if it came up and bit you on the plot.”

“Well, if it ever does, I hope it looks like Rumble. Purr-r-r-r-r-r...” Diamond Tiara smiled mischievously as she indulged in some naughty thoughts. “But seriously, where’s the sense in providing for the stupid? I’m smart. Anypony would agree that being smart is better than being stupid... but do you see anypony giving me food, clothing and medicine? How is asking the smart to help the stupid something that can even remotely be considered to be a step in the right direction? I’m too smart to see it any other way.”

“I think you’re mistaking being needy for being greedy. Your dad must give money away to charity.”

Diamond Tiara gasped.

You take that back,” she snarled.

“Do you know for a fact that he doesn’t donate to charity?”

“No… but my daddy’s smart.”

“So your views aren’t the same as his?”

“I don’t know. It’s never come up in a conversation.”

“Well, why don’t you ask him about it? Maybe he can explain it to you in a way that you can understand.”

“Don't patronnize me, Silver Spoon. I understand charity just fine. It’s the charities themselves that don’t understand that the work that they do isn’t serving any useful purpose. I don’t see why I should pay good money to keep stupidity alive and well when I’m forced to subject myself to it for free every time I walk out of my home. Case in point: Derpy talking smack to me like she knows me when she doesn’t.” Diamond Tiara saw somepony out of the corner of her eye. “But there’s somepony that I know.”

Silver Spoon watched Diamond Tiara trot after somepony that she also knew: Pinkie Pie. She winced, knowing that Twist was a friend of Pinkie’s. She forced herself to follow Diamond Tiara because if she didn’t, she’d most likely be ordered to follow.

“Hi, Pinkie Pie,” said Diamond Tiara.

Pinkie didn’t acknowledge her and kept on walking. Diamond Tiara’s pupils narrowed. Had she just been... ignored? She trotted after Pinkie and caught up to her.

“Hi, Pinkie Pie,” she said again. “Hey, I was wondering if you’d be available for a party that I want to throw. You did such a good job planning my cute-ceanera that I’d like to hire you again to help me celebrate beating my rap in court a few days ago.”

“I’m not speaking to you,” said Pinkie Pie.

“That is so... strange... because it sounds as though you’re speaking to me right now.”

“I’m speaking to you to let you know that I’m not speaking to you.”

“Well, that technically still counts as speaking to me.” Diamond Tiara grinned, pleased with herself. Pinkie frowned. She stopped walking and turned to face the filly.

“It technically counts as speaking to a MEAN MEANIE PANTS!” Pinkie took a look around at the other ponies. A few onlookers returned to what they were doing. “Look, kid...”

Kid?

“There are two kinds of ponies I talk to: friends – and strangers who have the potential to be new friends. You’re neither.”

“What are you talking about? We are friends.”

“Wrong. We were friends and now I’ve decided that we aren’t.”

“But you’re the Pinkie Pie! You’re friends with everypony in Ponyville! That’s your thing!”

“Then I have a new thing now. I’m friends with everypony in Ponyville... except you!

“But why?”

“You know why. You got my friend Twist killed.”

“No, that’s not true. You heard wrong. The judge ruled that it was an accident.”

Pinkie quickly covered her ears.

“Ay, chihuahua! That just about busted my eardrums! Did you have to say ‘I’m sorry!’ so loudly?”

“I didn’t say ‘I’m sorry’.”

“Yeah, I noticed. You didn’t accidentally write a note to Twist in Rumble’s name to lure her to the tracks. And you didn’t accidentally drag a garbage bag full of rotten fruit to the outskirts of town and you didn’t accidentally drop it on top of Twist. When you have an accident, you say that you’re sorry if you’re polite. You did all of those things deliberately. You used the prospect of a first love – a first love! – as bait to humiliate a pony that I loved, a pony with a heart of gold. But according to you and the judge, it was all an ‘accident’ with no malice intended. Pshyeah, right. Go peddle that horse manure to Golden Harvest because I’m not buying any of it. The only accident I see is that I accidentally mistook you for a decent kid, something that won’t happen again. So don’t speak to me because I am not interested in speaking to you. I officially wash my hooves of you.”

Diamond Tiara blinked repeatedly. She looked at the other ponies walking around and she felt very vulnerable being out in the open like this.

“You listen to me, Pinkie Pie. You’re a very prominent pony in this community. I can’t have my party planned by anypony other than the very best party planner in Ponyville. But more important than that, I am not going to sit back and allow you to break up our friendship. It’s an endorsement that carries a lot of weight. Do you know how much harm you’ll do to my image by blacklisting me?”

“Ooh, a guessing game! Ummmm, let’s see. I’m gonna sayyyyyyyy somewhere between the amount of harm you’ve already done to your own image annnnnnnnnnd the amount of harm I’d be doing to my image if I didn’t blacklist you. But I don’t like black so I think I’ll pinklist you instead. So, was I close? Offhoof, I’d say that my guess is somewhere in that ball park.”

Diamond Tiara closed her eyes, shook her head and chuckled nasally.

“Hm hm hm hm hm hm... I don’t even know why I’m standing here arguing with you over something so silly. This conversation never happened. You and I are still friends because that is what I want and in case nopony told you, I’m in the habit of getting what I want.”

“I don’t think you understand how friendship works, Diamond Tiara. Y’know, Nightmare Moon didn’t understand how friendship worked either... and my friends and I defeated her. How many millenia old alicorns have you defeated?”

Diamond Tiara sneered at Pinkie comparing her amazing accomplishments to her own.

“I’m an earth pony!” she growled.

Silver Spoon facehoofed.

“Uh, do you see any wings or horns on me? This isn’t about tribes so put it back in the deck, missy. The magic of friendship is something that everypony has within their heart if they’re open to it so don’t embarrass yourself and your tribe by using that as a crutch. Discord didn’t understand friendship, either... and my friends and I defeated him, too. He’s much better now. How many draconequui have you turned to stone?”

“So you can use some magic. That’s commendable… but it does not make you better than me.”

“Really? Then why does it bother you? Ooh, do you remember Tirek? He didn’t have a clue about the power of friendship and now he’s sitting in a cage in that T-word place after my friends and I defeated him. Do you see where I’m going with all of this? I do not want to be your friend, Diamond Tiara... and if you think you can force me to be your friend, you’re sorely mistaken. We are not friends. Push your luck and you might make an enemy out of me... and I can Pinkie promise you that you do not want to be my enemy. Because the funny thing about my enemies... is that they always lose.”

“Diamond Tiara,” said Silver Spoon, “please, let’s go home.”

“That’s only because you’ve never had me for an enemy before,” said Diamond Tiara, ignoring her friend’s request. “But why go there? If friendship is as important as you say it is, what better way to let bygones be bygones than to teach me its wonders by keeping me as a friend? We can talk all about it while we plan my party. I’d be happy to learn... and I can make it worth your while. Silver and I were just talking about charity. Why not let me be charitable? I’ll be helping my favorite cause: me.”

Pinkie held out her hoof to Diamond Tiara for a hoofbump and smiled.

“Hmm. Well, okay... but only if you’re really super duper sincere about it.”

“Oh, but I am.”

“Then why don’t we bump on it?”

“Gladly. GAAAAAAH!!” Diamond Tiara quickly withdrew her foreleg in fear.

Pinkie giggled and revealed her hoof buzzer to Diamond Tiara.

“You tricked me!” cried Diamond Tiara.

“Oh, poppycock," said Pinkie Pie. "Friends play pranks on each other all the time. It’s all in good fun.”

“Good fun, my plot! I gave you my hoof in friendship and you betrayed my trust!”

“Why so angry, little filly? Daddy didn’t buy you a puppy? Mommy didn’t give you enough hugs?”

Mommy.

Silver Spoon flinched upon hearing that word. Her eyes darted to Diamond Tiara’s face and she found that her friend seemed to have taken the word in stride. She saw a wide, confident grin on her face and came to the conclusion that it wasn’t as sore of a subject for her friend as she imagined.

“Are you reasonably aware of the laws in Ponyville?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“What?” asked Pinkie Pie, raising an eyebrow at the question out of left field.

“It’s not a difficult question. Are you reasonably aware of the laws in Ponyville?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Good. Then you know that an adult can’t hit a foal.”

Diamond Tiara swiftly lifted her left hoof and knocked Silver Spoon’s glasses from where they lay on her snout to a spot atop her head.

“What the...?” spat Silver Spoon as she suddenly found the world around her lacking its usual crispness. While Pinkie’s attention was focused on Silver Spoon, Diamond Tiara stood on her hind legs, reared her right foreleg back and swung a vicious haymaker at Pinkie with every ounce of strength she possessed. It connected with Pinkie’s cheek and the party mare saw stars as she staggered to her right, holding her left cheek. She stared at Diamond Tiara, astonished by the blow. Having grown up in a household with three sisters, Pinkie had dished out and taken her share of obligatory foalhood lumps when sibling rivalries overheated. She was a grown mare now – and that was the problem. She knew that Diamond Tiara was right. She could not hit a foal, no matter how much said foal deserved to be repaid in kind for her misbehavior. Dirty looks were fair game, however, and Pinkie gave Diamond Tiara a glare strong enough to unbrown a piece of toast at thirty paces.

“Careful with my glasses, Di!” growled Silver Spoon as she returned her glasses to her snout. Once her vision was restored, she saw Pinkie cradling her cheek with her hoof and she immediately assumed the worst. She looked at Diamond Tiara, hoping to find some evidence to debunk her assumption. The pink filly was preoccupied with breathing a huff of moisture onto her hoof and polishing it against her chest. Silver Spoon’s stomach churned as she prepared herself to discover the truth. “Di? What... just... happened?”

“What did you see happen?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“I didn’t see anything.”

“You might need a new prescription, then. When’s the last time you got your eyes checked? That frame is barely staying on your face.”

Silver Spoon groaned and facehoofed, wondering if she should start wearing horseshoes to prevent her hoof from taking on the contours of her face from the incalculable number of times she had performed this act due to Diamond Tiara’s callousness.

Oh, Di, you just hit the spirit of laughter in the face, she thought. One of these days, you’re gonna push the wrong pony too far and... actually, you did push Twist too far but if she didn’t teach you a lesson, I’d hate to see what would.

“Go ahead and pinklist me, Pinkie Pie,” said Diamond Tiara, “but I’m gonna remember this. And then someday – it might be tomorrow, next year or maybe even twenty years down the road – you’re gonna come to me and ask me for a favor... and when that day comes, I am gonna remind you of this day and laugh in your face before telling you to take a hike. You’re on my manure list now. Enjoy your stay. It’s not a safe place to be. Just ask Twist. Let me give you a little advice: try to stay near the bottom of the list. You’ll find that there are fewer trains down there.”

Pinkie cracked a smile and started to laugh.

“What are you laughing about?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I’m laughing because I’m gonna remember this day, too... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! And because you won’t be a filly forever! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Diamond turned and walked away, leaving Pinkie to her laughter.

Pinkie turned around to walk away when she felt her tail being pulled. She turned around to see that Silver Spoon was trying to get her attention. Tears streamed down the gray filly’s face and she let go of Pinkie’s tail to speak.

“Diamond Tiara might not be sorry, Pinkie Pie,” said Silver Spoon. “But I am. I really am. I wish I’d never... I mean... I regret what I did and it’s eating me up inside. Can you forgive me? Please don’t pinklist me, too. Please say that you and I can still be friends. Please?”

Pinkie shifted her jaw from side to side as she examined Silver Spoon’s face.

“Did everything happen exactly as the paper said?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“You know what, Silver Spoon? I believe you. You sound sincere. And I’ll forgive you... eventually. The wounds are still too fresh but if you just give me some time... I’ll come around.”

Silver Spoon’s face lit up.

“You will? Oh, thank you, Pinkie!” Having Pinkie’s forgiveness was such a relief that she began to bounce up and down but then quickly stopped once she realized that she should be a little less exuberant and a lot more solemn. “I mean... thank you, Pinkie.”

“Don’t thank me. Thank Twist. She would want me to give somepony who’s truly sorry a second chance. I used to think that you were just like your friend. But now I can tell that you’re very different. I believe you’ve learned a lesson... but my forgiveness alone won’t wipe your slate clean. You’ve got to know that a lot of ponies around here may never forgive you, right?”

“Yes. And I know that I’ll get a lot of spillover hatred because I’m still friends with Diamond Tiara. Oh, I know that she’s impossible to deal with most of the time... and I’m sorry for how she treated you... but she means everything to me, Pinkie. I’d move Elysium and earth for her if she asked me to.”

“Then you need to go be by her side. Run along now.”

“Really? But didn’t you just say...”

“I might not be her friend anymore but even a mean meanie pants pony like her needs at least one good friend. You might be the only one in Ponyville who wants that job. Save her from herself if you can. You may not succeed but try anyway. Your friendship is going to be tested like never before, Silver Spoon. Just do the right thing from now on and you’ll do okay for yourself.”

“Thank you, I will. And Pinkie Pie? You won’t really hurt Diamond Tiara when she gets older, will you?”

“No. But if she doesn’t clean up her act soon, somepony else won’t wait for her to get older.”